Friday, December 30, 2005

Thoughts on 2006

Scroll down for Thoughts on 2005

I don't like resolutions. I think they are set-ups for failure and disappointment. If I want that I'll go out on yet another blind date. But I will say this, every goal I set for myself in 2005 - I achieved. And I discovered something about myself that I had not realized before. When I truly set my mind to something - it's mine. That is a powerful piece of information to posess, and it took me 40 years to get it.

And so, this year I am setting my mind to a new goal. And that is to find Mr. Right. He's out there. I know he is. And though I have managed to avoid him for all of these years by only spending time with various versions of Mr. Right Now, those days are over. My last heartbreak taught me that I am, even with my many flaws, a desirable person. That someone can fall in love with me despite all of my imperfections and idiosyncracies. And even though it didn't work out, it made me see that not only can someone fall for me, but that I want someone to. I want to be in a relationship again. I want what I see so many others have. I want that feeling of euphoria when I hear his voice. I want that ridiculous permanent smile that everyone asks about. I want to wake up and go to bed not just thinking of him - but with him.

This is a huge admission for me. Anyone who knows me in real life would fall on their ass if they read this (good thing hardly any of my real life friends do). But I am putting myself out there as of now. And I am going to find the one that I know is out there wondering where the fuck I've been all his life. Well, I'm right here babe. And now it looks like I'm going to have go out on those dreaded blind dates after all. Hey, ya never know.

Merry New Year!

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Thoughts on 2005

On graduating from college at 39 (with honors): my mother still can't believe that the same girl who used to blow off high school to hang out on the beach with the surfers became the woman who would call her and bitch about getting an A- instead of an A. "Who are you and what have you done with my daughter," she would say to me. It wasn't easy going back to school after so many years, but I did it in three - including my semester of student teaching. Thank you to my mother and stepfather for providing the emotional and financial support I needed to achieve this dream. I only wish my stepfather could have seen me graduate.

On changing careers (yet again): yes, this is career number three. My third- and final career - is teacher. The pay sucks. The politics frustrating. The paperwork mountainous. And I will retire in 25 years with a pension and a million lovely memories of actually making a difference in this world. Beat that.

On getting my first teaching job: I went to a job fair in Fort Lauderdale for teachers, though I was still mulling over the idea of moving back to Jersey. I decided that if I got a job at the fair, I would stay. If not, I would pack up and move home. I am a strong believer in Fate. So I arrived at the fair at 8:30 am. I was signing a contract at 9:45 am. Thank you Fate.

On starting my starting teaching job: holy crap. The beginning of the year started out fine. I was team teaching with an experienced teacher. We had 30 kids - 15 mine, 15 hers - we would teach the whole class but ultimately we were responsible for our own 15 kids. This went like gangbusters for about two months. Then it turned out that we had too many teachers at our school, so one of our team was let go. So let's throw the new teacher into that room with her 15 kids - and 8 of the other teacher's kids - and let's give her saaaaaaay...a day's notice. It was a bit of an adjustment I must say - especially for an anal retentive freak like me. I spent weeks redecorating and reorganizing her room. Oy! But it's worked out well, I got rave reviews on my principal's observation, and I now have 8 more kids to adore. Yay for me.

On the hurricanes: Yes I lost power. And cable. And water. But I didn't lose anything of value. My home was safe. My family was safe. My students were safe. And for that I am grateful, grateful, grateful. I'm even more grateful to be moving back to Jersey before the next hurricane season hits.

On discovering the blog world: who knew that a random google search for an old flame would lead to this whole new world? I never imagined when I started this that it would become such a huge part of my life. I feel so lucky to have not only found a creative outlet, but to have been embraced by so many intelligent and wonderful people. And I don't mean embraced in the sexual sense, so some of you get your minds out of the gutter.

On turning 40: not nearly as horrible as I thought - even if I didn't get what I wanted. I have had the good fortune to inherit my mother's fabulous genes- she is 75 and doesn't look a day over 60. It's actually quite fun to tell people I am 40 when they are convinced that I am about 28. Yes, I'm immature, which I believe keeps me looking young. And I'm single with no kids, which I'm convinced also keeps my face dewy and youthful. Whatever, 40 is turning out to be pretty damn cool.

On being single: Ok, so not so good. I admit that I have spent the last 10 years avoiding relationships like the plague. I have hidden behind work, behind family, behind school, and behind my big fat behind in order to make sure that no man will fall for me and get in the way of my goals. This past year in particular I barely made eye contact with a man unless I was convinced he found me repulsive. But then a funny thing happened. I met someone. And we fell for each other. I did my best not to, but it was beyond my control. For a while there we were each other's worlds. I have never written about this because as fast as the relationship started, that's how fast it ended. It was strong, it was intense, it was amazing, and it hurt like hell when it was over. It still hurts like hell. Getting your heart broken sucks. But life goes on, and I learned a very valuable lesson from it. And that brings me to:

Thoughts on 2006
to be continued

Monday, December 26, 2005

20 Questions for Egan

Not long ago, in a fit of absolute boredom, Egan decided to ask me 20 questions in an epic session of IM. I was stuck inside due to the weather, Egan was stuck inside due to that nasty thing called work. When I was finished, I then turned the tables on him and forced him to answer his own inane questions - with a few minor changes. Here is the result of Egan's interview. To read mine, go to Egan's Monkeyboy Blog.

1) Brooke: Have you seen a grown man naked?
Egan: Yes, I see lots of grown men naked at the gym. Now stop calling me Shirley.
Brooke: Ok, I’ll call you Ethel.

2) Brooke: Do you like movies about gladiators?
Egan: I love the one movie about gladiators I can think of. I think it’s because I have a chubby for Joaquin Phoenix though.

3) Brooke: What was your first car?
Egan: The first car I owned was a 1986 Honda Accord LX. I bought it in 1993. The first car I ever drove regularly was an Oldsmobile Vista Cruiser station wagon complete with wood paneling and a very pungent mold smell. We called it the Moldsmobile.

4) Brooke: Tell me something unique about yourself.
Egan: I sleep with a teddy bear. It’s the long arms folks.

5) Brooke: Who was your first crush?
Egan: My first crush was in first grade. Her name was Shannon Brown. She also happened to be my first kiss.
Brooke: I’m going to assume there was no tongue.

6) Brooke: Where is your most sensitive spot on your body? (excluding private areas)
Egan: Neck/ear region. I squirm like an 8 year-old boy when appropriately touched there.
Brooke: That’s quite the mental image. Thank you.

7) Brooke: What was your favorite Halloween costume?
Egan: A couple years ago my wife and I dressed up as Siegfried & Roy. I was Roy Horn with gashes on the neck and all. Very inappropriate, since The Accident happened about three weeks earlier. Oh well.
Brooke: Classy.

8) Brooke: Do you think it's bad to eat a whole pizza by yourself?
Egan: I do think it’s bad, but I do it way too often and justify by saying I will go for a run or workout. Or that I just deserved it.
Brooke: Being that you are an Ironman, I think we can excuse you.

9) Brooke: If you could work any job you've worked before, which job would it be and why? Was it the pay or the job duties that would keep you at that job?
Egan: I would work my college job again at Simply Desserts. I ran the show by myself and loved it. Met tons of people (dated some) and the tips were pretty damn good.

10) Brooke: Do you regret dating anyone in your past?
Egan: Zero regrets about people I dated in the past. I chalk it all up to a learning experience.
Brooke: Wow, you’re so balanced.

11) Brooke: Do you keep in touch with your exes?
Egan: This may sound strange, but I really have only one serious ex-girlfriend. I dated quite bit before I got married, but only had one serious girlfriend before I met my wife. But yes, I do keep in touch with her. We just exchanged email last week. based on you posting this on Monday Brooke
Brooke: It doesn’t sound strange since I am convinced you are a closet homosexual.

12) Brooke: Is Patrick Swayze gay? Do you want him to be?
Egan: I hope he’s gay so I can nail him. Sadly I don’t think he’s gay even though he was in Dirty Dancing and that To Wong Fu and Damn this a Long Movie Title Julie Newmar movie. His best movie was clearly Red Dawn. “Wolverines!”
Brooke: See? Gay.

13) Brooke: Do clothes complete a man or mask who they really are?
Egan: Who created this question?
Brooke: You did, Ethel.
Egan: I want to say mask, but a well-dressed confident man can really push me over the edge.
Brooke: Again, my point is made.

14) Brooke: Three goals you have for next year?
Egan: 1. Complete the Ironman Canada in August.
Egan: 2. Find a real job/start my own company; blogging doesn’t count as a job does it?
Brooke: Unfortunately not.
Egan: 3. Read more books.

15) Brooke: Would you consider yourself to be a romantic?
Egan: Damn this is a loaded question. I guess the honest answer is no. There’s a lot more I could do to surprise my wife, but I am too lazy to think that far ahead.
Egan: Does watching 90210 with my wife count as romantic?
Brooke: No.

16) Brooke: What was the first thing you noticed about your wife when you met her?
Egan: Her eyes and then her intellect. But damn those eyes of hers sucked me in.

17) Brooke: What two shows on TV do you have to see?
Egan: 24 and The Amazing Race
Brooke: You answered that in a much more timely manner than I did. Thank you.

18) Brooke: If you were to meet a blogger in person, what do you think their biggest surprise would be about you?
Egan: I have to go with height here. I think my broad shoulders make me look bigger than I am.
Brooke: Hear that girls? Tall. With broad shoulders. And when I say girls, I mean boys.

19) Brooke: What got you started on the road to blogdom?
Egan: My former co-worker Sprizee showed me her blog and eventually wore me down enough where I started blogging my experiences. The rest is history.

20) Brooke: Finally, how has blogging changed your life?
Egan: Blogging has opened my eyes to many different things I may not have experienced on my own. I have met so many wonderful people via blogging, it’s ridiculous. The biggest change blogging has provided me, not sure I should admit this, is how to shuffle my work day around blogging. It has given me a wonderful outlet to share my experiences and opinions with others. Beats the hell out of emailing your friends some impersonal email about my happenings.
Egan: Thanks Brooke for the opportunity to share.
Egan: Great questions by the way.
Brooke: Egan, you rock.

Now go read my interview!!!

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Merry Christmas!

Sticky Toffee Pudding

Otherwise known as orgasm on a plate - this is a classic English dessert. I discovered it when I lived in Australia as it is served in just about every restaurant in the country. When the cake lady would drop this off to the cafe where I worked in Manly Beach, we would attack this stuff like rabid dogs. I've often said you could pour the sauce over an old shoe and you would eat it with glee.

Took me long enough to post a recipe on here. Being a former chef and all, I expected more from me. I should have posted this in time for Christmas. Oh well, try it for New Year's! Pictures are included!

The Pudding
1 cup dates, pitted and chopped
1 cup boiling water
1 stick butter
1 cup brown sugar
4 large eggs

1 and 1/2 cups self rising flour
1 and 1/2 cups flour and 1 teaspoon baking soda

The Toffee Sauce
1 cup brown sugar
3/4 cup cream
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 tablespoons butter

Preheat oven to 350°. Pour the water over dates in a saucepan and let stand. Cream butter and sugar in a mixing bowl until light and fluffy. Add the eggs one at a time. Gently fold in the flour. Add the dates (water included).

Lick me!

Pour the mixture into a lightly greased 7" square or round cake pan. Bake in oven for 35 minutes.

How cute are these
Admire new UGGs while pudding is in the oven.

Remove pudding from oven and set aside. Puddin!!!

To make toffee sauce, combine remaining ingredients in a saucepan. Bring to a boil and then simmer for 5 minutes, stirring all the time. Remove from heat.

Mmmmmmm good

Cut pudding into squares and place each square in the center of a warm plate. Pour hot toffee sauce over each serving and serve with ice cream or whipped cream.

Orgasm on a plate

Enjoy your orgasm puddin'!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Subject: Drunk Email

brandon wrote:

well, i'm technically not 'drunk'. i'm probably .19 at the most. although legally, i suppose that IS drunk. but emotionally, i'm as sober as i've been in ages. and i love you. i know that you expect a drunk guy to say something like that to an internet acquaintance whom he's never seen or can verify is actually a woman. but i love you. no, not like THAT, silly! no, i mean i love you in a filthy, emotionally, likable way. and i'm kind of dizzy. i thought you should know that, too, since we're being honest with each other (honesty rules!).

oh, and i'm happy about ANWR. but i'm a total wuss when it comes to entering comment food fights. and i've gotten beaten up a lot this past week in other peoples' comment boxes so i'm afraid of being hurt again. i just want you to hold me.

this drunken email was brought to you by Miller.




I am both thrilled and honored to be getting a drunken email spouting your love for me. Being loved in a filthy way is very hot. Despite the fact that I have no doubt you have written this sort of email to at least half the women on your blogroll - I will still hold you close and press you against my boobies. Believe it or not, you aren't the first drunken married internet blogger to profess his undying love for me.

I only wish you had put this on my blog. It's so good! Dammit. But I'll respect your right to privacy and simply torment you endlessly on both of our blogs from here on in.

Happy hangover. Brooke


brandon wrote:

privacy? pfft. by all means, post it on your blog. it's the best thing i've written all week.

for the record, only 2 other women received drunken emails from me. if i don't have my chivalry, i don't have anything.


Thanks Brando! You are so very chivalrous. As long as you don't love those other two women in the filthy way that you love me we are all good. Not only do I feel like a pretty pretty (blog ho) princess, but you supplied me with a fabulous post as well. You rock baby. Come here and let Brookie hold you close.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


While I'm not one to usually have news stories on my blog, these two items made me do the happy dance today. Is there some common sense left in our society after all? Please let it be so.

Senate Blocks Alaska Refuge Drilling
Shame on these filthy politicians for trying to use the Arctic Wildlife to finance their "war on terror." Shame on them! Scumbags!

Judge Rules Against Pa. Biology Curriculum
Ha! Using the term "Intelligent Design" did not hide the fact that these school board members - who have since been fired - were trying to get around the Constitutional separation of church and state. Not to mention trying to set education back at least 80 years. Thank you, God!

happy dance happy dance happy dance happy dance happy dance happy dance

In blogging news, Kris of Mama Likey has posted a Best of 2005 list in which people submitted their best works for her to showcase. I am on there, as well as Todd, Egan, Spinning Girl, and many others that we all now have the opportunity to discover thanks to Kris. Well done woman! Excellent idea!

Finally, since I am doing my first "round-up" of sorts, I am posting this comic from the brilliant Berkeley Breathed. If anyone has ever tried to teach their mother how to use a computer, as I am doing for the 12th time (literally) then this comic will truly resonate with them. If you hear about a matricide in Jersey, please submit this to my defense lawyer.

Click picture to enlarge.

**Editor's note: the use of the term "round-up" was allegedly coined by the Needle-dicked bugfucker over at Sacrelicious. Happy now, sweetness? You got your props.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Atlantic City

Well now, everything dies, baby, that’s a fact
But maybe everything that dies someday comes back
Put your makeup on, fix your hair up pretty
And meet me tonight in Atlantic City

I'm home for the holidays! I'm actually in Ventnor, a little town just outside of Atlantic City. But the only way that people know Ventnor is from the Monopoly board. Speaking of which, at one time I lived in the famous Marven Gardens. Yes, there really is such a place.

I do have some pictures that I plan to post showing the spectacular view from mom's place. I would have done that tonight, but I slipped on some ice today and I am hurtin' for certain. My left foot is horribly bruised up, my right knee is skinned and banged up, and my right arm is so sore I'm having trouble typing - though I have no idea why. My right arm had absolutely nothing to do with my fall. I think it's just having sympathy pains. Or looking for sympathy. Whichever. Either way, I could use some good painkillers. I don't think Aleve is going to cut it.

At least I am gimping around in my new cute slippers. Pink UGGs.
I love that they are called "Coquette." I feel so girly, even with all my bruises.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

5 Weird Habits

Lo Lo Lova tagged me for this one. I have to name five weird habits that I have. Only five? Thank goodness. Here goes:

1. I cast the characters of the books I read with actors - as if for a movie. If the book is then made into a movie, and my actors are not in the roles, it pisses me off. Case in point: Interview With The Vampire. Don't even get me started!

2. I crack every part of my body that is possible to crack. Back, knees, hips, neck, fingers, wrists, ankles, toes. Name it, I crack it. Except for my nose. Ok, that's an inside joke with an ex-boyfriend. Never mind.

3. I have to clean my apartment in a certain order. And I have to do it all at one time. If I am out of one of my cleaning supplies, I will wait until I have them all before I clean.

4. I can't fall asleep without clothes on, but I can't sleep with clothes on. So, I go to bed every night wearing pajamas, and then I undress during the night - in my sleep. Yes, you read that right. I take off my clothes in my sleep. Hence the need to refuse all invitations of the "it's ok, stay the night, I won't try anything" sort.

5. When I can't say "I love you" to someone, I say "I hate you" instead. I'm kind of a dumbass that way. Is it any wonder I'm still single?

While there are several bloggers I would love to tag for this, most of them have already described their weird habits in great detail - especially those habits of a sexual nature. I don't think it's necessary to swim in those dark waters again. If you are reading this, please feel free to tag yourself.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I'm So Excited!

The Grinch is on!!!! The Grinch is on!!! I love the Grinch. Now I know it's Christmas. I'm so excited I could squirt.

And Monkey loves The Grinch too! You simply must go watch Monkey watch The Grinch. I don't think that Monkey squirts though.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Friday, December 09, 2005

Acute Nasopharyngitis

The common cold. I can feel it coming. Scratchy throat. Achey muscles. Stuffy head. I'm a miserable brat when I'm sick. All I want is chicken soup, saltines, apple juice, Nyquil, and someone to take care of me. I have four out of five of those things.


Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Teachers Don't Make Shit

So today after school I made a CVS run as my new do requires more hair products to keep it bouncy. As I'm getting out of my car, I notice a very thin homeless man sitting outside the store. He smiled at me and said hello, but he didn't ask for any money. Being the sucker that I am, I reached into my pocket for a five dollar bill, and handed it to him with a smile.

"You're a teacher?" he asked, noticing the school emblem on my shirt.

"Yes I am," I replied.

"I can't take your money, teachers don't make shit," and he handed my money back to me.

**Edit 8:15 pm: it should be noted that I spent that five dollars on the first pack of cigarettes that I have bought in over two years. I've been dying for a smoke and now I have one. I blame the homeless.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Reason I Teach #1

This will be the first in what I am sure will be a long series of mini-posts about why teaching is so cool. Trust me when I tell you that salary, paperwork, respect, parents, and boogers will not ever be a part of these posts.

After we returned to the classroom from lunch today, Tuffy* raised his hand and made the following announcement:

"Ms. Wose, we took a vote during lunch and we said you have to ask the principal if you can teach 2nd grade next year. Cause we want you to be our teacher next year too."

And then they all screamed YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

And I did all I could not to cry.

*I plan on writing a post with descriptions and nicknames for all my little monsters.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Mary Had a Little Meme

I got tagged by Mary Worth to do this meme. I'm afraid to not do it. She's really such a twat when she doesn't get her way.

3 names I go by:
Ms. Wose

3 screen names I have:
Smart Cookie
Chicky Babe

3 physical things I like about myself:
My eyes
My smile
My teeth

3 physical things I don't like about myself:
My misshapen head
My missing neck
My lack of fingers and toes

3 parts of my heritage:

3 things that scare me:
Florida drivers
The opposite sex

3 of my everyday essentials:
Diet Coke

3 of my favorite musicians:
Don Henley
Bruce Springsteen
Van Morrison

3 of my favorite songs:
The Boys of Summer (Don)
Thunder Road (Bruce)
Into The Mystic (Van)

3 things I want in a relationship:

3 lies I tell:
Oh, I must have been vacuuming when you called.
I'm fine, really.
Next time you'll just spend the day in the principal's office.

3 physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to me:
Comfortable in his skin

3 of my hobbies right now:

3 things I want to do really badly now (with a special someone):
Have sex
Wake up next to him

3 careers I've considered doing:
Massage Therapist to the Stars
Phone Sex Operator
International Superspy

3 places I would like to go on vacation to:
Bora Bora
Key West

3 kid's names I like:

3 things I want to do before I die:
Fall wildly in love
Buy a house
Live happily ever after

3 ways that I'm a stereotypical guy:
I love football
I curse like a sailor
I fall asleep after sex

3 ways that I'm a stereotypical girl:
I love me some good gossip
I have used the boobage to get what I want
I like to smell pretty

3 people I would like to see take this quiz:
Lou Reed
Cactus Prick

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Don't You Put Me on the Back Burner

Hellooooooo! I'm back! I had a very nice - and short - blog break among the three dimensional people. I quite enjoyed them, though you guys smell better than they do. Although I had truly meant to take more time off, I missed my blog family. But that's not the only thing that brought me back in such a timely fashion.

Ubermilf wrote a very interesting post about wanting to start all over after making mistakes. Sadly for us grown-ups, we don't have "do overs" like we did when we were kids. One of the reasons I took time off from blogging was because I felt like I had allowed my life to get out of control. Things weren't perfect, so something had to give. I needed a "do-over." But guess what? Nothing is ever perfect. Not blogging is not going to make my problems go away. If anything, blogging is a way for me to sort through my problems. And so I return, no doubt to the delight of those anxious to abuse me for being such a drama queen.

But first things first. I would like to respond to the lovely comments I got on my previous post. Instead of doing it in the comments section, however, I have decided to do it here. Shut up. It's my blog and I'll do what I want. You're all just pissed that you never thought to do this.

sunshine said...
You go, girl...I'm sure a lot of us will miss your frequent, funny comments and observations. But we'd rather that you be happy than to keep us entertained!This post hits a bit of a raw nerve with me because I am struggling to find balance in my life right now too. Good luck to both of us!: )
11/27/2005 4:44 PM
Sunshine, thank you too. I hope you have found some balance. If you have, let me know. I didn't, I just missed blogging so I'm back. Pathetic? Yes.

Cactus Prick said...
Dammit, woman. Hurry back.
11/27/2005 4:49 PM
I'm back ya prick! Did ya miss me? Get that web cam yet?

Tomlawyer said...
Hey, wish you the best. Bye for now....
11/27/2005 4:59 PM
Thanks Tom! I'm so lucky to have you around. You do know that I consider you my lawyer, right? How much are restraining orders going for these days?

Calzone said...
will miss you dumbass, hopefully we can talk soon.
11/27/2005 5:05 PM
Thanks dumbass. Catch the clap from one of your bimbos yet?

Knitty Kitty said...
tis the season to scale back, a lot of us are doing it. I think i realized I needed to step back a little when my family got sick and tired of me starting to say something "i read in a blog today..."g'luck
11/27/2005 5:56 PM
At least you can say that to your family! My blog is my dirty little secret. And so are all of you.

Egan said...
Good for you Brooke. I mean, I feel like I should do the same thing, but don't have the heart to step away from the computer. It will happen sometime in the future though since I need to shift my priortities and the end of the year is fast approaching. Thanks for keeping the masses entertained.
11/27/2005 6:09 PM
Stop being a such a drama queen. You sound like me. It's not like you and I don't IM every day anyway.

darth said...
are you back yet? :(
11/27/2005 7:06 PM
Yes! Here I am!!!

The real me said...
I will miss trading quips with you, dear. And you'll always be near the top of my blogroll!xo
11/27/2005 7:40 PM
Thank you TRM. You better not have written any dirty stories about me while I was gone.

yournamehere said...
I would never delete you from my blogroll...uh...what was your name again?
11/27/2005 8:20 PM
You are such a twat.

yournamehere said...
Love ya, Brooke. How do you think I feel? The quality of my personal life and the quality of my blog have both reached all time lows.Take care of business, babe.
11/27/2005 8:21 PM
We need to get out drinking together one of these days, my friend.

Dan-E said...
dammit brooke, i was just starting to like you. at least i got to see your ta-tas. but seriously, it's cool you're forcing yourself to go live life among the three-dimensional people. bloggers are fun but if you go outside once in a while, it's nice. and it ups your chances of meeting viggo.if you're ever down in sobe, well, god help you.
11/27/2005 8:28 PM
You saw my ta-tas!?! Was that you on the boat outside my window!? If you come back I'll paint my phone number across them for you. My ta-tas I mean, not my windows.

kris said...
Murr. But I understand. Good for you, young lovah.But I'll miss you.
11/27/2005 8:36 PM
Lovah! I am so using that word from now on!

Browneyedgirlie said...
I can relate completely.You have to take care of yourself first and foremost.I hope you're able to find that balance and join us again soon :)
11/27/2005 9:05 PM
Thanks girlie! How goes the relationship? I should probably mention that I hate anyone in a solid relationship right now, so you may not want to answer.

Jill said...
I am happy to keep you on my blogroll, and I am sure you make a great three-dimension-human not-just-virtual-reality kinda gal pal. Find your balance but don't forget me either!
11/27/2005 9:35 PM
I am still completely unbalanced, so nothing to worry about there. And I've been reading your blog all week. Your stuff is too good to miss.

Neil said...
At first I thought this was just another stunt to get a whole lot of "I love you, Brooke" comments without doing any work. But now I see you were being real.Brooke, you know hard it is for me to hear this. I will now shave my head and walk through Tibet until you return.Honestly, we all spend too much time online, and it is important to remember that this isn't REAL LIFE. We'll miss your wit and kind words terribly, Brooke. So, don't take too long getting your life together... and enjoy all those shiny red apples that your students will give you for Christmas.
11/27/2005 10:32 PM
Neil, you know I've been reading your stuff too. I wouldn't miss my daily dose of Neil for anything. Oh, and thanks so much for writing about me on Blogebrity. Do you know how many hits I got from that? About four. Blogebrity sucks. For those of you who want to read his article abusing me, click here. I'm waiting for the next article to skewer me for coming back after a week.

Dating Dummy said...
Hey Brooke, I can relate completely. I'm in the same boat, and am trying hard to strike that balance. But tipping it back to the balancing point with ICG pretty much means spending less time on my blog. Take your time, then come back to us when you can!
11/28/2005 12:05 AM
DD, you and ICG are very lucky to have found each other. I'm guessing we will be seeing less and less of both of you as you begin your new life together. By the way, I hate you both.

MoDigli said...
I would never ever ever delete your name from my blogroll, Brooke! And don't feel badly about taking needed time for YOU! Honestly, I know I spend too much online, too. Why is it so addictive? I think it's just that I found such a community of support and like-minded ppl who are just like all of the descriptions you offered in your post. I know that with the re-balancing of your life, you will find and create a community of supportive and like-minded 3-D ppl, too! You're the best, and you deserve all the happiness and balance you can handle! Love ya!
11/28/2005 12:23 AM
It's way too addictive! Every now and then I just cut myself off from my computer. It's kind of like a relationship - one of those on-again off-again love/hate things. I really really need to find a man. Does your new man have any hot friends?

Spirit Of Owl said...
All the best to you Brooke. I'll be watching for your return, but if you find that you like the real world too much to come back, I wish you a wonderful life. :) X
11/28/2005 4:16 AM
Owl, you are so sweet. I hope I have a wonderful life even with the computer.

JJ said...
Bye, SMG. Come back soon.
11/28/2005 7:55 AM
WOW SMB, your heartfelt good-bye really has me all choked up.

boo said...
enjoy your break. come back soon brookester. miss u.
11/28/2005 8:22 AM
Boo! I used to have a boyfriend who called me Brookester. Crap, now I'm thinking about him.

cannot be trusted said...
Me, my wife, my Girlzilla, and my poochie will miss you, but we understand your decision. My Blogroll never gets updated, so consider yourself a mainstay!
11/28/2005 9:29 AM
Jacob, you guys totally make me feel like part of the family. What time is dinner?

Evil Petting Zoo said...
You have a permanent spot on my blogroll. Yours is one that I read on a regular basis. Yours is one of the first blogs I've ever read and commented on. I even think you were one of my first commenters. Great blogging aside, for that you will always have a place on my blog. Now go find that cop!
11/28/2005 12:49 PM
PEZ! One of my firsts! How are things with the girl who owns your smile? Oh, and I hate you too.

officer krupke said...
Brooke my darling, do what you have to. We will all be here waiting for you....or I will arrest everyone.
11/28/2005 12:51 PM
Damn you, couldn't you have dropped me off at my neighbor's house? They were loaded and had no kids.

Jo said...
But I just STARTED reading you! How not fair :-( Ah, well... I suppose you're worth waiting for! Hurry back!
11/28/2005 1:24 PM
Thanks Jo! I look forward to checking out your blog! And yes, I'm worth waiting for. At least that's what the boys have said.

thephoenixnyc said...
See you in a few hours. ; 0
11/28/2005 1:54 PM
You little shit. You buying the drinks when I come to NY?

Ubermilf said...
Sorry to see you go, but I am glad to be the hottest girl on blogger now.
11/28/2005 4:47 PM
Like you weren't before.

Brooke said...
You guys are wonderful. I'm not leaving forever! Honest! Not even close! I'll probably be back before the holidays. And I'm already making my little commments here and there. I just didn't want people to give me shit for not writing. Love you all! See you soon!
11/28/2005 4:52 PM
Shut up dumbass. They are all saying really nice things. Don't interrupt.

Tumbleweed said...
Damn it, I am new and you are truly an interesting person! I hope you come back so I can get to know you better!! Take care.
11/28/2005 5:01 PM
I love your name! And thank you for the nice things you said! I truly hope I can keep on being interesting - for both of our sakes.

Egan said...
Gosh, I was wondering if you would ever comment again. I mean you have some nerve to just stop blogging when you feel like it.
11/28/2005 5:33 PM
You really do miss me huh. Loser.

Kallun said...
"Whimsical fun"... I like to pretend you were talking about me then.Good luck.
11/28/2005 9:27 PM
You are definitely whimsical fun for me Kallun. And hopefully you will continue to be so when we finally have that torrid affair. Just remember lovah, I'm only going to use you for sex.

Monkey said...
It seems we were separated at birth? We both wrote similar posts in the same weekend? Amazing. I relate to your post completely. Balance. It's all about balance. Easier said than done. I too wanted to warn people that I will be around less on other blogs due to "real life". I've grown so fond of people here I couldn't just disappear without explanation. You are stuck on my blogroll under "Daily Fecal Samples" until the end of time. No worries there. We love you.
11/28/2005 9:35 PM
We do seem to be very similar in a lot of ways. Between our lack of fingers, our time living in Australia, and our bad taste in men, I'm thinking I finally found who Officer Krupke took me away from when I was a baby. If your family is rich, I'm going to be really pissed.

Menar Piggs said...
Brooke - Your stories are a book waiting to happen. Submit your stories to a magazine...perhaps you are on your way to a 4th career? I want your autograph.
11/28/2005 10:18 PM
You wouldn't happen to be a publisher would you? Cause that would be way cool.

LeMorse said...
Please...come over to my BLOG and read today's post. It means the world to me.
11/28/2005 10:48 PM
LeMorse, you come back after all this time to ask me for money? Bastard!

Evil Petting Zoo said...
Yay for Officer Krupke!
11/29/2005 12:48 AM
He may have a lot of 'xplaining to do.

Bill said...
Perhaps you should wean yourself off … You know, keep posting but stop making comments. Hmm? Just a thought! What do I know?Or maybe just start a new blog under another name and create a personality that only posts every four or five days and never comments? You know, someone stand-offish but groin numbingly sexy? Now that might be a plan!
11/29/2005 1:56 AM
All I got off from that comment was "groin numbingly sexy." Yes please, I'll take some of that.

cannot be trusted said...
I have some shit to give you. Here, SHIT!
See, you truly are like family.

WhiteBoyBob said...
I'll be checking up periodically to make sure we don't miss your grand return
11/29/2005 2:22 PM
I'm here! Where is the brass band? And the cake? I thought for sure there would be cake.

Calzone said...
Your blog sucks
11/29/2005 7:24 PM
Nobody knows more about sucking than you.

BamaGirl said...
Good luck! It will be hard to tear yourself away from your computer, I'm sure! Let us know how it goes!
11/30/2005 12:45 AM
It went great! I discovered that balance is highly overrated.

Mary Worth said...
Young lady, you have done a wise thing. The more I learn of this blogging business, the less I like it. It seems to be polluted with unemployable layabouts and sexual deviants. I'm old, and haven't had a solid bowel movement in months.
11/30/2005 1:33 PM
Do you think you could introduce me to some of the sexual deviants? Preferably the ones with six-pack abs and really low IQ's, please.

cannot be trusted said...
Someone is giving you shit over at Blogebrity, too. Neil.
11/30/2005 2:40 PM
Neil actually emailed me the link. Because of Neil, I am a blogebrity for not blogging. How cool is that?!

sandra said...
we all go through phases/stages like this. i'm sure you'll get it all figured out. you'll be missed, but not forgotten.
11/30/2005 7:12 PM
Thank you Sandra. I'm not sure I was missed since I was only gone for a few days, and it's very likely I was completely forgotten since I was only gone for a few days. But it's the thought that counts.

charming, but single said...
You'll be back in a week. I know it.
12/01/2005 12:33 AM
Even less. Dammit, I am so transparent.

Lord Duke Nick Seaman said...
It is I, Advocatus Diaboli. You may know me as Lord Duke Nick Seaman of Queue and Eh? fame.I come bearing news of a brand-shitting-new interview!Curse my unfortunate rhyme!Little Miss Knit gives good interview, come and check it out! Right Now!If you harbor any desire to ever be interviewed you will come and check this out!
12/01/2005 2:22 AM
I harbor no desire to be interviewed, but I will go read it anyway because I love Knitty and I want to show your blog support. By the way, you are such a whore.

Jaxe said...
Just the ebb & flow of life, babe ;-) We'll be here for you if you need us (assuming we're not also on sabattical, hehe) *hugs* I hope you are well!j
12/01/2005 3:34 AM
You wrote this on a Thursday. Were you half naked when you hugged me?

Lo Lo Lova said...
Miss you Brooke! Good luck finding the perfect balance :)
12/01/2005 9:31 AM
Oh Lo Lo, being that we are both so anal retentive, what do you think the chances are of ever finding perfect balance?

Anonymous said...
I love you Brooke!
12/01/2005 1:38 PM
I'm just going to assume you are the man of my dreams. I love you too, Viggo!

To those of you who came by but didn't leave a comment, thanks for dropping by and come back soon. For those of you who didn't even notice I was gone, go fuck yourselves.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

I'll Be Back

Dear Blogger Buddies,

In the last few days I've come to realize that I need to take a break from blogging. I have been spending entirely too much time in front of the computer, and I have come to rely on my fellow bloggers for friendship more than I should. I started out blogging to write and express myself, having no idea about "comments" or "communities" here in blogland. I have been fortunate to find myself surrounded by a fantastic mixed bag of people. Some are truly talented writers, some are incredible humorists, some are heart felt journal writers, and some are just whimsical fun. I appreciate every one of you.

Today it became clear to me how much I am neglecting other aspects of my life. I have not been working out or taking care of myself. I have been staying up too late and waking up too early in order to spend more time on my computer. I have ignored phone calls from friends to write comments or posts, or even just to IM. But most of all, I have personal aspects of my life that need to be dealt with, and unfortunately I can't deal with them here.

This is not the end of my blog. I have worked too hard to create this damn thing and to make these fantastic friendships to give it up for good. I need to find some balance in my life, and until I am able to do this, I am going to limit my daily computer time. I'm sure many of you will still find me lurking about now and then and maybe even making the occasional comment. But for now, I won't be posting anything new or sharing anything personal about my life.

I love you all. Please don't delete me from your blogrolls. Like The Terminator, "I'll be back."

Much love,


The Ring

An elderly, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check and I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account!"

"I know." said the old man, "But can you imagine the weekend I had?"

And just in case my future husband is out there....this is the ring that will get me tremblin'

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Memories of Thanksgiving

Age 13: Mom and I were on our own and living in a tiny rowhouse in Philly. Brothers were scattered around the country. Parents had just split up but were still - sort of - friends. Dad, who had been away and was not expected back in time, suddenly came home the day before Thanksgiving. Everyone made frantic arrangements to get together and somehow we pulled it off. We spent Thanksgiving night at a restaurant eating lobster tail and toasting our last Thanksgiving as a family.

Age 21: Playing house with the boyfriend, who stole all of the food from the casino kitchen he was working in, including the turkey. I cooked and watched football while he primped in the bathroom. (he was a metrosexual before anyone knew what a metrosexual was) We had all of our friends over for dinner and then he and I went upstairs to have sex while they cleaned up.

Age 22: Being that the night before Thanksgiving is traditionally the best night to go out all winter and I am freshly single from boyfriend, friends and I dress up and hit the pub. In retrospect, knowing that I had to drive four hours the next day for dinner, going out was probably not the best idea. Things got slightly out of control, so I'm told. I have little memory of that night. However, when we walked into the pub that Friday evening, we got a standing ovation.

Age 24: Italy. I called home to find out that it was snowing. Snowing on Thanksgiving! We were devastated to be missing that. Our friends invited us to a charity tennis match in Florence where we got to flirt with tennis stars and drink red wine at an after party. Ok, not missing Jersey so much after all.

Age 26: Australia. Try finding a turkey in Australia.

Age 28-35: As a working chef, Thanksgiving was spent cooking for half the town, and then for all of the family. In other words, Thanksgiving sucked.

Age 40: cooking for two friends and one brother. Everyone is bringing something. I will spend the day toasting family not being there, watching football, drinking red wine, and not working. Almost perfect. If only the man of my dreams could be there to have sex with while everyone else cleans up, then it would be perfect.

Maybe next year.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Attention Parents!

Your kids tell their teachers everything. Everything. Do not attempt to hide things from them or expect them to lie for you. It will not work. Kids are inherently honest - at least until middle school. Each day I learn a little bit more about each of you from my 23 little darlings.

Here are some examples. I will be wearing red. Children will be wearing blue.

Why were you late this morning?
My mama tell me to tell you we got car trouble.
Ok, but I thought you walked to school.
I do, but dat's what she tell me to tell you.

Ms. Wose! My daddy tinks you nice!
He does? I've never even met your daddy.
He say so. He saw you dis mornin and he say "She fine!"

Ms. Wose! Look! Dat's my daddy!
Daddy waves and smiles at me in his car as he drops my student off.
I saw him naked in the shower this morning!
Daddy buries his head in his hands and let outs a soft sob.

I'm tired Ms. Wose.
Did you go to bed late last night?
Yeah, police keep comin to get my uncle but he won't go. So we's up all night.

My mama says I give her white hairs.
I'm not surprised sweepea, not surprised at all.
How'd I do dat?
It's a gift honey.
Ms. Wose, you got a white hair on you head too.
Yes I do. Thank you for pointing it out.
Did I do dat too?
Yes, you did.

My mama tell me to tell you she got to work today. Dat's why she didn't come to see you this morning.
I am now aggravated because I came in early for this conference that his mama requested.
Where does your mama work? I'll give her a call to "reschedule."
Ok call her at home cause she sleeping now. So she might not answer.

And my all-time favorite - even if it has nothing to do with parents.
Ms. Wose, how old are you?
Oh I'm old sweepea. Real old. How old do you think I am?
You got it sweepea! I'm 25.
Another teacher, younger than I am, then asks student how old he thinks she is.

hehehe ..what did you say you wanted for Christmas

More to doubt...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

I Heard The News Today...

*Warning: this is not a happy feel-good post. If you came for a laugh, scroll down my blogroll and click a link. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Today I got the call that I have been dreading for five years. A friend of mine passed away. She was 36 years old. And right now I am so angry at the universe that I don't know what to do with myself.

Her name is Tracy. And though I never actually met her, I considered her my friend. She was actually the best friend of one my best friends here in Florida. Ever since I have known him, C has talked about Tracy. He has told me how wonderful and warm and funny she is - was, I can't even get used to saying was about her - and how she was the first person to reach out to him here in South Florida. They would walk their dogs together and help each other through the poor Ramen Noodle times.

And then she started coughing. And wheezing. And constantly feeling sick. She went from doctor to doctor, until finally she was diagnosed with Alpha-1, a rare genetic lung disease. She was told she would need a lung transplant, an oxygen machine, that she may never be able to work again. She was 30 years old.

Over the next six years this girl was rejected by her own mother and siblings as being "too much work", was released from her job, had to give up her dog, and was forced to go on Social Security. Her step-father, a prince among men, stepped in and began taking care of her. She spent her time in and out of hospitals, dragging her oxygen around, and going to group counseling. The others in the group were elderly, crying about not being able to see their grandchildren grow up. Tracy would scream, What about me!!! I won't even have children! I won't ever even have another date again! What about ME!!!! But it was a silent scream. Tracy would never say these things for fear of hurting their feelings. She was dying, and worrying about people's feelings.

Last year she finally got her lung transplant. Even with it the doctors only gave her six-eight years to live. The day she got her transplant, 15 other people got lung transplants as well. All went well. Except for Tracy's.

The lung tore in her chest. The pain from the surgery as well as the tear, from what the doctors said, was beyond anything we could imagine. Tracy was in the hospital for six months after the surgery. She was going to need a new transplant.

In a decision I can't even fathom at any age, Tracy decided she could not go through it again. Her pain was so great that she chose to die at 36 rather than live this way.

For the last few weeks Tracy has been comforting her stepfather and preparing her funeral. She told the doctors to stop giving her the medications necessary to keep her alive. C has been frantic, unable to spend as much time with her as he has wanted. He went to see her this past weekend. Tuesday night she died.

I have been crying for the last hour. Non-stop. And I think I'm about to throw up.

Why? Why does a beautiful young woman who never hurt a soul die in such agony? Why was so much of her life taken from her? Why are there so many bastards in the world living to a ripe old age?

What the fuck is wrong with the universe?

Edit* 8:00 pm - I just found out that Tracy died very peacefully in her sleep. At least there was one tiny mercy in the end.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Bumping Uglies: Part Deux

This is for Kris, who has just celebrated her birthday and is hiding from the world to recover. Not long ago she posted a meme about shamefully shaggable men. In other words, celebrities you would shag even though you are too embarassed to admit it in public. I have admitted to being shamelessly shallow when it comes to fantasizing about celebrities. Name a celebrity, if he's hot, I probably want to do him. So I did the meme, but I did not follow the rules, which is very typical of me. Instead, I did the I don't care how rich, famous, or powerful you are, I wouldn't do you unless there was a gun pointed at my dog meme.

But today I was watching football, as I always do on Sundays, and I found my shamefully shaggable man. I don't know what it is about him. He has freckles. He has a perpetually bad haircut. He wears a thick gold chain and a visor. He makes facial expressions that only a mother could love. But still, he makes me hot. So Kris, this one's for you. I present you with:

Jon Gruden
Head Coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
and dead ringer for:

Psychopathic Synthetic Serial Killer

I'm so ashamed. Happy belated birthday, Kris.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Three Blind Dates

Years ago I ran into a girl I hadn't seen in a very long time. She was a typical blonde surf bunny who I used to hang out with at the local surfer keg parties, and so I was quite surprised to see her at the ritzy party that I was catering. I was even more surprised when she told me she was there with her husband. I was then floored when she introduced me to her husband - the doctor. Sorry - the brain surgeon. No wait, the gorgeous brain surgeon*. She met him on a blind date.

I have been on three blind dates. Did I meet the man of my dreams? Were they gorgeous? Were they brain surgeons? Were they even worth shaving my legs for? The last one was 15 years ago. Since I am still single, that should tell you something. It should also be noted that although all three were dinner dates, I did not manage to have dinner on any of them.

Blind Date #1 - The Hobbit
I am set up by my aunt, who is well on her way to becoming the gambling addict that she is now. She is a high roller in Atlantic City and he is one of her gambling buddies. She begs me to go out with him as he is a very successful something or other. I actually have a boyfriend, but it is one of those undercover relationships, so I agree to go out with him for the sake of my aunt and keeping up appearances. Besides, it's a free meal and a show.

The first thing I notice about him was that he is shorter than I am. Now, I'm 5'3, so to be shorter than I am means he is about the size of a hobbit. He is shaped like a pear. He is also bald, sporting enormous glasses, and has enormous spaces between his teeth. I am 21 and very much entrenched in my beautiful boy stage. I pray he has the proverbial "good personality."

He (and my aunt, who is there to introduce us and gamble away my college tuition - but that's another story) refuse to leave the blackjack table for the meal portion of our evening. Apparently I am good luck and they are on a winning streak. Exactly two minutes before the show is to begin he begrudgingly brings me to the theatre - where he promptly falls asleep. I wake him up at the end of the show, and he drags me back to the tables. He gives me $500 to gamble with. I wander around the floor for 20 minutes and then tell him I lost it at the roulette wheel. I feign exhaustion and make my escape.

Amazingly, the hobbit calls me several times for more dates that I actually go on - and yes, I realize this means I am his paid escort. My boyfriend finally puts his foot down when the hobbit tries to arrange to take me to New York for a picnic and hot air balloon ride in Central Park.

Blind Date #2 - The Jewish Boy
Same year. Boyfriend is starting to become annoyed by all the blind dates. I reassure him that I am only going to keep my mother off my back. She has found me a nice Jewish boy and there is no getting out of this one. I've never gone out with a Jewish boy so this was going to be a new experience for me.

We meet at a local restaurant and have a drink at the bar. He is dressed in a suit and is quite good looking. Hmmmm....there must be something wrong with him besides having the unfortunate name of Ira. He is funny, smart, and successful. Something is bothering me about him. I can't quite put my finger on it. Something familiar about him. I know him from somewhere. He tells me a joke and laughs before he gets to the punchline. I laugh, thinking he is just like my brother.

Just. Like. My. Brother.

I leave before dinner.

Blind Date #3 - The Troll
I'm just home from Australia and pining to go back so I can win back the one who got away. Mom decides to take me to see a local psychic woman whom she has befriended. I think she is hoping that the pychic will tell me not to go back to Australia.

The psychic tells me not to go back to Australia. My life is here, she says. She also tells me I was a Vaudevillian actor in a previous life and that all my old Vaudeville friends are surrounding me, watching over me. I feel creepy and am now afraid to be naked in the shower.

The next day said psychic calls me and tells me she wants to set me up on a date with her son. Now, think about this - a psychic wants to set me up on a date. Does she know our future? Is this the one? She tells me he is a very handsome surgical intern! How can I refuse?

We decide to meet at the Outback. If the date sucks at least I can enjoy a good beer and pretend I'm back in Australia. I flirt with the bartender while I wait. My date shows up and introduces himself. The bartender can barely contain his laughter. My date looks like a troll.

We sit down for dinner and I order the swordfish. He tells me about his day. He observed open heart surgery. He describes it to me in vivid detail as I stare at my dinner, fighting back the urge to puke all over his Bloomin' Onion. I tell him I am not feeling well and leave him to finish the date with my plate of swordfish.

As I make my escape, the bartender calls me over and slips me his number. When I call him, he asks me to dinner.

I tell him that I would prefer to just meet for coffee.

*Surf bunny and gorgeous surgeon are now divorced. HA!

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

A Meme For The Ages

Anthony, of Tranglin' to the Oldies, is now not just famous for grabbing his bits and pieces. He has written this incredibly creative new meme. A meme for the ages. I suspect Anthony may have been dropped on his head when he was a toddler.

What is the best part about not being French? (If you are French, what is the best part about not being German?)

Not having to remember which words are masculine and which are feminine.

If Lou Reed called you an "uglybutt" how would you respond?

I would kick him in the balls.

Which Canadian Conservative is funnier looking, the squirrel-headed Stephen Harper, or the muppet-faced Peter McKay?

I admit I had to google these two Canadians. Americans do not generally pay attention to anyone else on the planet unless they are attacking us. I'm going to have to go with McKay. He looks like he got his head caught in a vise.

Have you ever been called a communist or a nazi?

No, but if somebody did, I would kick him in the balls.

Have you ever watched The Antiques Roadshow?

Of course! I'm a geek and proud of it. The best was the one where the guy had a little box from Russia that his grandmother had left him. They told him it was priceless. Everyone was gasping, oohing and aaaahing. The guy said, "What's that mean? I can't sell it then?"

Create an original three step plan to solve the impending oil crisis.

1. Put me in charge of the world.

2. I will then turn garbage into fuel.

3. Problem solved.

Feel free to tag yourselves. Or not.

**Please go visit Monkey's blog. He made a special video just for me and it is fabulous. Fabulous I tell you! Don't miss it. And please send bananas. To Monkey, not me. Thank you.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Hot Blooded and Boiling Mad

So I'm driving home after a very long day at school. I'm tired from a bad night's sleep and not quite back to my normal routine yet after the Wilma madness. The day was rough, the kids catatonic one minute and hyperactive the next. One student withdrew and came to say goodbye - setting off tears and sadness (from my students as well as me). The air conditioning wasn't working quite right, so I found myself becoming more and more "fragrant" as the day wore on. I'm hot, I'm sticky, I'm cranky. And I feel the migraine cometh.

After fighting through traffic and numerous traffic lights being out, (took me 40 minutes to go five miles), I am finally on my street and I can practically see my building up ahead. My street is very thin, and people tend to drive down it like it's the Grand Prix. Add to that it ends on the intracoastal, so half of the race car drivers are towing their giant gas guzzling speedboats behind them in their mad dash to get on the water. I'm comfortably driving along when I notice that the UPS truck on the opposite side of the road has stopped to make a delivery. I'm about 50 feet from it when the driver of the pick-up truck behind it decides to pull into my lane of traffic - completely cutting me off - and leaving me with three choices: speed up and slam into him and sue him for millions, veer into the side of the road and hope that nobody from that parking lot pulls out and slams into me, or slam on my brakes and let him pass. I opted for number three. As he drove by me - in my lane - he gave me a look like I was the one that was crazy - never once putting his cell phone down. I responded the way anybody else on the planet would have done. I flipped him the bird and called him an asshole (windows closed).

I proceeded down my street, and as I'm turning into my parking lot, I see that my cell phone buddy has turned around and is now following me back to my building. I am now out of my car and walking around to get my things out of the passenger side. I don't know why I wasn't afraid - must be the Jersey in me. He gets out of his truck and walks towards me, asking me if I live in this building. I told him yes as I reached for my pepper spray. And then I notice his dorky outfit. Blue shorts, white shirt, sunglasses....super short hair...writing on the shirt....hmmm...what's that say..

...Fort Lauderdale Marine Police.

I flipped off a cop.


He proceeds to ask me for my license and registration, and we get into a vehement argument about this. Before I go on, let me make something clear. I have nothing but respect for cops. I am always outrageously polite to them, and I have never in my life talked back to one before. But I did nothing wrong! Yes, I flipped him off, but that is not illegal and he was driving his own car - not a police car. He is the one that pulled into oncoming traffic instead of yielding - while talking on his cell phone - oh that pisses me off more than just about anything else. He tells me that it is not illegal to drive with a cell phone (well it should be!) and he can ask anyone for their license that he wants. He then says that if I don't show it to him we are going to have a problem. I honestly thought the top of my head was going to explode off. I showed him my license, all the while seething and glaring and snarling like a wild boar. And then of course, one of his buddies pulls up. I looked at him with a sugary smile and said "Need help?" He quickly waved him off.

We then argued for the next ten minutes. Him telling me that I have to be more careful, that there are crazies out there and that people have been killed for random stupid things like this. (ok ok, he has a point there) He said that is the only reason he turned around, so he could warn me to be more careful. Oh yeah? Then why do you need my license? I continued my argument that no matter what I had done, he was still the one in the wrong. He was on the wrong side of the road, and if we had been in an accident, there wasn't a cop or insurance company who would side with him.

We bickered back and forth for a bit longer, until we were both tired and actually starting to laugh. I apologized for the manual fuck you, and he of course would not admit to doing anything wrong. His repeated excuse, "I saw a pretty girl driving, I assumed she would move over, there was plenty of room." I told him to never assume anything about a girl he doesn't know.

And then we had one of those awkward moments. Do we just say good bye and let that be that? Or do we admit that we are now actually checking each other out? Cause when my breathing went back to normal and my blood stopped boiling, I suddenly realized that this guy was hot. And the fact that he pissed me off so much was ...well...kind of hot too.

But - nothing happened. We said goodbye. I walked away thinking that this would have been a great story to tell our grandkids. He said something about this being an interesting way to meet. As I entered the building, I turned and saw that he was just standing by his truck, watching the door shut behind me.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Today's Horoscope

As I was reading my daily Yahoo! horoscope today, I noticed that it seemed to be very centered on the subject of love - a subject that is severely lacking in my life. Usually my horoscope says that I should focus on my career, or to try to stop procrastinating, or that I should try to stay out of other people's problems, so I was more than a little surprised when every astrology site I checked out assured me that I was about to fall wildly in love. Apparently, love is in the air!

Your Daily Virgo Forecast
Quickie: Your latest crush likes you too -- strike while the iron is hot and go for romance.
I would be really excited about this if I weren't thousands of miles away from my latest crush.

Overview: An ordinary attraction will probably turn into a passionate affair within a matter of seconds. If you're available, there's no time like the present to put an end to your single status.
Wow. I better go shave my legs.

Daily extended (by
Whoever you see on a daily basis will suddenly seem much closer to you than just a casual acquaintance now. In fact, you'll be amazed at the amount of flirting you can fit into a casual conversation -- and at how quickly it can happen. So when someone who's really not much more than a stranger starts getting close to you, enjoy it -- but if you're attached, don't let it get too far.
Define the phrase "see on a daily basis" please. I don't get out much.

Singles Love Astrology: You know what they say: You can't win if you don't play. Now's the time to get wholeheartedly in on the game of love. If this were Bingo, you'd want to get as many cards going as humanly possible.
Shuffle up boys! Brookester's in the game!

So I guess this means I actually have to leave the house. Crap.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Howdja get here?

I am continually fascinated with how people come upon my blog through web searches. Back in July I posted Finding Brooke, and now I am at it again, using my Site Meter to entertain others - and myself. But it's not just fun to see how they found my blog, it's also quite a hoot to see where these people come from. Since my NeoCounter refuses to show me the various countries of origin of my readers anymore (unless I pay them - damn extortionists!) I now completely rely on my Site Meter for this information.

Here are some of the interesting places that have shown up on my meter:

  • Mississippi State University
  • Clover Park Technical College
  • Penn State University

Clearly I am a big hit with the college crowd!

  • Sunnyvale California - isn't that where Buffy is from?
  • Unknown Country - what the hell is that? Or rather, where the hell is that?
  • Canberra Australia - John Howard, is that you again!
  • Brunei - oh where oh where has my sultan gone?
  • Saudi Arabia - they were searching for big tits, how disappointing for them
  • Mexico - hmmmm *

And here are some of the interesting searches that have brought people here:

  • Large FFF tits - clearly not mine.
  • Toni needs - from comments.
  • Todd needs - again from comments.
  • Accidental flash - yeah, I remember that one.
  • Wonker - wonder if they expected to read about an Amsterdamn hooker?
  • Are Brooke Burke's tits - are they what? Alive? Kosher? Available for parties?

The top three searches that seem to bring my blog up the most often are:

  • Brooke
  • Maloney's of Margate
  • Loser

Those three bullets pretty much say it all. How sad for me.

And last, my absolute favorite search that has led to my blog so far is:

  • Who is Viggo's girlfriend? - woohoo!!!!!

* Hey, searcher from Mexico who used my whole name to find his way here! Yes, you! If you are who I think you are, please leave a comment with an email address.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Portrait of a Hurricane

Pictures of the Fort Lauderdale area after Wilma. Mouseover for description. Click for larger picture.

Line for gas

Overturned cars - probably from tornados

Oops, another tree gone down

Yes, that's an upside down limo

So much for the Financial Center

This is one of the major intersections I cross to go to work

Yet another tree goes down

Tree completely torn UP - literally

And yes, another tree gone down

Look! Cars do grow on trees!

The Crystal Palace aka the Board of Education Building

Transformer blowing

Top of a condo building - mercifully not the one I live in

Wilma is not very good at parking cars

Friday, October 28, 2005

Hello Kitty!

I'm alive! Alive and well and in New Jersey, luckily able to get out of the Wilma recovery process on the first plane that was available. I will go back when power is restored or when school reopens, whichever comes first. So it could be Sunday, or it could be November 15th - the date that Florida Power and Light claims that 95% of Floridians will have power restored.

Here is a brief account of my week. This is going to be a bit long. If you don't feel like reading, that's fine. Right now I'm so happy to have had a hot shower this morning and WaWa coffee in front of me that I don't care about much else.

Sunday: Day before storm.
Being the good girl that I am, I wake up bright and early and go out to do the errands that officials told me to do. I fill my gas tank, I go to the grocery store, and I do not pass GO! until I get my $2o0 (from the ATM). P.S. - the ATM, grocery store, and the gas station are completely deserted. It seems that I am one of only about three people in South Fort Lauderdale who thought to prepare for the storm.

I then come home and make sure my hurricane kit is prepared.

Brooke's Hurricane Kit
1. Bottled water
2. Batteries
3. 20 year old Duracell flashlight
4. Blue Princess corded telephone
5. Hello Kitty radio

All set. I then sit in front of the tv to watch the latest episode of "Watching Wilma". By noon I am looking up the numbers of the networks, preparing to threaten all kinds of bodily harm to the various newscasters if they block out football for more images of newscasters standing on the beach saying "Wilma's not here yet!" Fortunately they must have sensed my displeasure and football comes on at the designated time. Unfortunately the Packers lost in the last 2 seconds of the game. Crap.

Sunday Night
It is becoming apparent that the storm is not only beginning early, but is not going to decrease in power. It is going to whomp us as a Category 3. Rain and wind are already lashing at the windows. Not a lot of sleep is happening that night, especially since I am woken up several times by the toot-toot of various appliances being turned on and off as power comes and goes.

Monday Morning
Wake up at 6:00 am to howling wind and pounding rain. The storm is coming from the south at over 100 mph. Guess which direction all of my windows face? I turn on the news to see that one of the networks has already lost its broadcast video and is only showing satellite pictures of a growing Wilma with echoing voices in the background. 20 minutes later the cable goes out. Half an hour later the power goes for good.
It is now 7:00 am.
I bury myself under the covers and try to block out the sound of my windows in their valiant fight against Wilma the Twat-Whore - my new nickname for her.

Late Monday Morning
People in my building are going from condo to condo to check on each other and see the storm from various angles. Several are huddled, terrified, in the stairwells. I go across the hall to look after my neighbor who has emphysema. She is beyond petrified. We watch as tree limbs, signs, and awnings fly through the air and down the street to parts unknown. We go to my condo to watch the normally calm and glassy canal turn into white water rapids. Unidentified flying objects land in the water and are carried out to sea.
The storms subsides for a bit, but it's clear that this is the eye coming over us. I can actually feel the storm shift to the west. We are now on the dirty side of the storm. It is called this for a reason - it fights dirty. The canal now looks like a surfer's paradise - there are actual waves breaking. The wind is literally rocking the building. My neighbor, who had gone back to her place during the calm, bursts through my door in tears. It dawns on me that I need to add alcohol to my hurricane kit.

Monday Afternoon
As scary as the storm was, we are fortunate in two ways. One - it was short. I am here to tell you that if it had lasted all day and into the night they would have found me in the fetal position in my bathtub. Two - the cold front that pushed Wilma towards us settled into South Florida. It was a cool 75 degrees. After Katrina, it was approximately 95 degrees, and I had no power for five days. That pretty much sucked.
We are unfortunate in that not only is there no cable or power - but no water either. I feel positively decadent brushing my teeth and washing my face with bottled water. I then realize that my personal hygiene is not the only issue - there is the matter of the toilet. As soon as it is deemed safe to go outside, I find myself a big bucket (previously used for kitty food - kitties seem to be a recurring theme here) and scamper down to the pool. I will use pool water to fill my tank and flush! I am so clever!!! I arrive at the pool to see nine other residents who are just as clever - and clearly quicker - than I. I spend the rest of Monday staring out the window and talking on the phone. I then go to bed at 8:00 pm. Between hauling water and going to bed the minute it gets dark, I feel like Laura Ingalls.

"The Recovery"
Tuesday - was spent talking on the phone, listening to Hello Kitty, eating junk food, and going up and down the four floors of my building with toilet water. I also rearranged my cupboards.
6 million people are out of power in Florida. People are fighting in the streets over gas, ice, and water. My street has utility poles at 45 degree angles. A palm tree is lying on top of a car. Tree limbs are - literally - everywhere. It is announced that most people will not have power until mid-November. I attempt to book my flight out of hurricane hell.

Wednesday - water returned in the morning at a trickle. It was at once the best and the worst shower of my life. My flight, which had been booked for that night, was cancelled. Of the one million people in Broward county that lost power, 12,000 have had their power restored. I was rearranging my closets when a neighbor poked his head in and invited me to a barbecue for that evening. I emptied my freezer and joined my neighbors - many of whom I had never met. Everyone contributed their thawing perishables and favorite alcohol. We even had music and a lamp thanks to one neighbor's generator. It was truly a bright spot in an otherwise dark time.

Thursday - I actually get in my car and drive the five miles to a friend's house, cursing myself all the way for not bringing my camera. Only one traffic light in the five mile journey is working, and many are simply gone. Trees have uprooted sidewalks. Lines are six blocks long at gas stations. There is a Starbucks that has no windows left, and the glass is sprinkled like glitter on the street. I am ecstatic when the reports from the radio state that the airport is open.

And so here I am, in mom's den drinking coffee and looking out over the beautiful view of the beach. I am home. Truly. Yes, I will go back to Florida and work the rest of the school year - I could not possibly think of leaving my kids now. But yes, I will be moving back to Jersey when the school year is over. I will not go through another hurricane season like this. I will not go through another hurricane like Wilma. She made up my mind for me. So I guess I have her to thank for helping me decide my future.

Thanks Wilma - you twat-whore.