Friday, November 11, 2005

Three Blind Dates

Years ago I ran into a girl I hadn't seen in a very long time. She was a typical blonde surf bunny who I used to hang out with at the local surfer keg parties, and so I was quite surprised to see her at the ritzy party that I was catering. I was even more surprised when she told me she was there with her husband. I was then floored when she introduced me to her husband - the doctor. Sorry - the brain surgeon. No wait, the gorgeous brain surgeon*. She met him on a blind date.

I have been on three blind dates. Did I meet the man of my dreams? Were they gorgeous? Were they brain surgeons? Were they even worth shaving my legs for? The last one was 15 years ago. Since I am still single, that should tell you something. It should also be noted that although all three were dinner dates, I did not manage to have dinner on any of them.

Blind Date #1 - The Hobbit
I am set up by my aunt, who is well on her way to becoming the gambling addict that she is now. She is a high roller in Atlantic City and he is one of her gambling buddies. She begs me to go out with him as he is a very successful something or other. I actually have a boyfriend, but it is one of those undercover relationships, so I agree to go out with him for the sake of my aunt and keeping up appearances. Besides, it's a free meal and a show.

The first thing I notice about him was that he is shorter than I am. Now, I'm 5'3, so to be shorter than I am means he is about the size of a hobbit. He is shaped like a pear. He is also bald, sporting enormous glasses, and has enormous spaces between his teeth. I am 21 and very much entrenched in my beautiful boy stage. I pray he has the proverbial "good personality."

He (and my aunt, who is there to introduce us and gamble away my college tuition - but that's another story) refuse to leave the blackjack table for the meal portion of our evening. Apparently I am good luck and they are on a winning streak. Exactly two minutes before the show is to begin he begrudgingly brings me to the theatre - where he promptly falls asleep. I wake him up at the end of the show, and he drags me back to the tables. He gives me $500 to gamble with. I wander around the floor for 20 minutes and then tell him I lost it at the roulette wheel. I feign exhaustion and make my escape.

Amazingly, the hobbit calls me several times for more dates that I actually go on - and yes, I realize this means I am his paid escort. My boyfriend finally puts his foot down when the hobbit tries to arrange to take me to New York for a picnic and hot air balloon ride in Central Park.

Blind Date #2 - The Jewish Boy
Same year. Boyfriend is starting to become annoyed by all the blind dates. I reassure him that I am only going to keep my mother off my back. She has found me a nice Jewish boy and there is no getting out of this one. I've never gone out with a Jewish boy so this was going to be a new experience for me.

We meet at a local restaurant and have a drink at the bar. He is dressed in a suit and is quite good looking. Hmmmm....there must be something wrong with him besides having the unfortunate name of Ira. He is funny, smart, and successful. Something is bothering me about him. I can't quite put my finger on it. Something familiar about him. I know him from somewhere. He tells me a joke and laughs before he gets to the punchline. I laugh, thinking he is just like my brother.

Just. Like. My. Brother.

I leave before dinner.

Blind Date #3 - The Troll
I'm just home from Australia and pining to go back so I can win back the one who got away. Mom decides to take me to see a local psychic woman whom she has befriended. I think she is hoping that the pychic will tell me not to go back to Australia.

The psychic tells me not to go back to Australia. My life is here, she says. She also tells me I was a Vaudevillian actor in a previous life and that all my old Vaudeville friends are surrounding me, watching over me. I feel creepy and am now afraid to be naked in the shower.

The next day said psychic calls me and tells me she wants to set me up on a date with her son. Now, think about this - a psychic wants to set me up on a date. Does she know our future? Is this the one? She tells me he is a very handsome surgical intern! How can I refuse?

We decide to meet at the Outback. If the date sucks at least I can enjoy a good beer and pretend I'm back in Australia. I flirt with the bartender while I wait. My date shows up and introduces himself. The bartender can barely contain his laughter. My date looks like a troll.

We sit down for dinner and I order the swordfish. He tells me about his day. He observed open heart surgery. He describes it to me in vivid detail as I stare at my dinner, fighting back the urge to puke all over his Bloomin' Onion. I tell him I am not feeling well and leave him to finish the date with my plate of swordfish.

As I make my escape, the bartender calls me over and slips me his number. When I call him, he asks me to dinner.

I tell him that I would prefer to just meet for coffee.

*Surf bunny and gorgeous surgeon are now divorced. HA!

68 comments:

The real me said...

Brooke, you slut!

Oh what am I saying? Free food has its allure...

Still no call from the cop?

JJ said...

I wanna hear the one about the college tuition.

Egan said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Egan said...

Free authentic food from the Outback Steakhouse, how could you go wrong? Let's hope the authentic cop does call because it sounds like the blind dates weren't all that fruitful. Hobbit, Jewish Boy, and Troll.... looks like Catholic Boy is up next.

Brookelina said...

TRM - you say slut like it's a bad thing. And no call from the cop, which is no doubt a good thing. It occurred to me that he is probably at least 10 years younger than I am.

JJ - not worth a blog. In a nutshell - when I was accepted into culinary school I planned to take a year off to work for the $10,000 tuition and other money needed for books, supplies, etc. Auntie called all excited and said not to wait, start school right away, she was paying! I was overjoyed. She sent me a check for $1000 to cover the deposit and then every check after that bounced. I wound up working full time while going to school full time to cover the $9000 plus books, supplies, etc.
Not such a great story huh?

Egan - I've done the catholic boy thing. Uhh....hang on...let me rephrase.
Naaa...leave it as is.

Lo Lo Lova said...

Man, blind dates are the WORST

My friend set me up with his buddy. He showed up at my house DIRECTLY after his job washing dishes. He reeked of bleach and was filthy. (At least the bleach covered up the BO). We had absolutely nothing in common and he was a total chauvenist pig. I was so miserable that during the movie we were seeing, I told him I didn't feel well, went to a payphone, and called my mom to come pick me up.

But not all blind dates are bad. I introdued my best friend from college to my best friend from high school, and they are happily married with 2 kids.

Maybe I can fix you up, Brooke!

gone said...

Can I state the obvious? Avoid blind dates. There, I said it. Whew! That felt good.

After 15 years off I was afraid you'd forget what you learned so i figured I'd reiterate for you.

Avoid. Blind. Dates.

Melliferous Pants said...

I heard that hobbit's are good in bed.

Brookelina said...

Lo Lo - thanks. But I would rather shave my hoo hah and sit in a bowl of vodka than go on another blind date.

CBT - I am taking your advice. See response to Lo Lo.

MP - want to meet him? He's a doctor! And no doubt still single.

Egan said...

You said Brazilian. Wicked.

Bill said...

I've found blind dates to be exercises in self doubt. I always think, "What must my friends think of me to set me up with this person?" If the dates are any indication, I'm bookish, nerdish, and riddled with anxieties. Or perhaps I'm a good therapist. Hard to say.

I remember one where the woman spent the first hour of the date detailing all the things she would never do with or for a man again. On the other hand, I suppose it was good to know. She was quite attractive, had a nice, hefty bosom and rollicking bum ... all of which I would not have access to till sometime in the second half of this century. (I kept think, “Why is she telling me this? Is my fly open? Is spittle dripping from my lips?”)

Generally, I think blind dates are like enemas with ice water. Best avoided.

Egan said...

...or was it Hoo Hah?

mamalujo1 said...

I've had good ones and bad ones. The bad ones make great material, as you so aptly demonstrate. I married a good one. Still going strong after 16 years. But then, I'll try anything.

Calzone said...

When you said blind dates I thought you meant you snuck up behind someone and put an ether soaked rag over their mouth.

I've never had your kind of blind date.

Brookelina said...

Egan - I did not say Brazilian. Pervert.

Bill - you are a brilliant man.

Tom - you met your wife on a blind date? Do tell.

Calzone - how sweet of you to remember our first date. Every time I smell chloroform I think of you.

Übermilf said...

Did the hobbit wear shoes? Did he have hairy toes? Did he call you "my precious?"

I've never had a blind date. I've had a "this guy who works with me saw your picture on my desk and wants to meet you" drink at a bar once.

If you want to try Irish guys, I know where you can meet some. Can you be "Bridget" instead of "Brooke" for one night?

Knitty Kitty said...

Three blind dates.
Three blind dates..
see how they run..

sorry, couldn't help it.

I've been been on a blind date but I've dated those same types.

They all had one thing in common though, they thought they could spend the rest of their lives with me, if I could just convert to their religion..ick

MoDigli said...

This was cute, but hey, what'd you do with that $500 you scored from the hobbit?!!!

TrueJerseyGirl said...

My only blind date was with my ex - and we dated for five years before I dumped his ass.

Tat said...

Got me thinking...I too had a blind date: disastrous.

I'm 16 and spending summer break at my grandma's at the sea resort. She's annoyed seeing me every day seating under the cherry tree with a book and sets me up with "a very nice intelligent guy, a local journalist and a college student at nights". The guy was A POET. Whole 45 minutes I spent in his company he was reading me products of his inspiration, with dramatic gestures and trembling voice, referring to the "past lovers". I ran home. But that wasn't the end of it: 2 days later I was at the beach flirting with a very handsome guy when the Poet suddenly appeared accompanied by his mother, who looked me over and asked if I have strong hands: she's arthritus and can't mop the floors herself. Alas, I said, I understand your suffering perfectly: I'm here at the seaside for cure of tuberculosis. Haven't heard from them since.

Tatyana

Brookelina said...

Ubie - I like Irish guys. They get so drunk they pass out and you don't have to worry about them trying to sleep with you on the first date.

Knitty - I was long gone from these dates before lifetime plans could be formulated.

MoMo - the hobbit dates covered several months of rent, utilities and cleared my credit card bill. My mama didn't raise no fool.

TJ - I keep hearing about long term relationships coming from blind dates but I don't believe them!

Tatyanna - awesome story. I love the TB reference. I wish I had thought of that on my dates.

Johnny Damned said...

What?

Brookelina said...

You heard me.

Calzone said...

meet me in our clubhouse

Brookelina said...

We have a clubhouse?

Dan-E said...

you go to a steakhouse and order swordfish? that's too funny.

"...shave my hoo hah and sit in a bowl of vodka..." thanks for the image.

actually, i once wrote "...I'd rather dry-shave my nutsack and then dunk them in rubbing alcohol..." but your is funnier. and coming from a girl it's kinda sexy.

ok, not really.

Bill said...

Brilliant. Irish (mostly). Passed out. Maybe this explains my blind dates.

(Brilliant maybe not so much ... one day soon, as I've threatened, I'll post about the day I spent walking through a hospital trying to find someone who would accept my stool sample.)

darth said...

:lol: did you check the hobbits feet? :scared:

Egan said...

Okay you busted me Brooke. I will keep it clean only if that dragon does. Forgot that proposal because our lives would be miserable with a virginal dragon.

Lushy said...

Blind dates are the universe's way of letting you know how normal you really are.

Brookelina said...

Dan - I like that you find humor in my meal choice. I was in my non-red-meat-eating stage, which was a good thing considering the dinner conversation.
And it is too sexy. Just ask Egan.

Bill - if that's not your next post I'm taking you off my bloglist!

Darth - I didn't, no. I tried not to look at him too closely.

Egan - I repeat - pervert. And I think the "virginal dragon" ship has sailed.

Lushy - you always make me feel sane. Thank you.

Evil Petting Zoo said...

Hahaha! Oh I got a good laugh from this. On my many blind dates I've only seen one person a second time. We ended up dating for almost a year.

Why are you still single? I kid. I kid.

Brookelina said...

PEZ - you are so handsome.

Lushy said...

Since we are twins separated at birth, I had to do something to not make us feel like crazies! ;)

Willie Jeff Clinton said...

I never buy a woman dinner until she puts out, and then it's pizza and cans of beer. That's how Willie Jeff rolls.

Brookelina said...

Lushy - I hear ya sistah!

Willie Jeff - you are so hot.

Ruben said...

A hobit and a troll? Now see that's the kind of stuff that will make you give up on dating and go into hiding into the mountains and live with squirrels and moose.

Brookelina said...

That sounds like a good idea Ruben. Will you come visit me and bring me bagels and cream cheese?

Calzone said...

Is that a flower or are you eating a popsicle? It means a lot as far as how you are conveying yourself to us, your public. Oh and I don't think that's really Clinton, he'd never let no trick get any of his beer yo.

Brookelina said...

It's a rose you freak. It matches the tattoo on my ass.

I bet this is the first time you've even noticed it. Typical man, so busy looking at my bosoms you don't even take time to stop and smell the flowers.

Calzone said...

Oh no I noticed it. I always thought you were eating something.

Brookelina said...

Ok you caught me. It's a rose popsicle.

Calzone said...

I thought it was a polish sausage on a stick.

The real me said...

10 years younger... well that makes ALL the difference!

You should call him.
Younger men are the best!

The real me said...

PS I hope you don't mind, but I used your name in FFF this week...

Marel Lecone said...

You are amazing. I don't think that I would have been able to walk out on any of them. Even though I would have stories to tell, I would have been the nice schmuck who stayed to endure. You're the coolest! :)

Yeah, what about that cop? :)

Loz said...

the outback??? oh brooke. this is terrible. they left me no choice but to tear them to shreds.

WhiteBoyBob said...

Fantastic story(s) as usual. I like the gambler one the best - all I can think of is Hans Moleman from the Simpsons. Priceless!

Monkey said...

Impressive resumé indeed!

The Hobbit date sounds like one of those nightmares you keep pinching yourself through to make yourself wake up. Pear shaped I can forgive, clinging to the black jack table I cannot forgive. Your auntie sounds slightly... deluded?

Brookelina said...

Calzone - sausage on a stick is your fantasy, not mine baby.

TRM - 10 years younger is a bit much, I've dated two different guys that were 7 years younger. That's my limit. Lucky 7. hehehe I'll go check out your FFF, no doubt I'm a drunken slut in the story.

Marel - I think I stayed longer than most would have. Especially for the troll - at least I made money off that one.

Loz - I have been waiting for you to comment. It was my first time there so I was really excited to have a little Aussie time. There was nothing Aussie about it. The only beer they sold was Foster's. It was even more disappointing that the doctor.

WBB - blind dates + Brooke = classic Simpsons scenario.

Monkey - my auntie is now a full fledged gambling addict. She once actually asked her ex-husband for money so she could pay for my mother's chemo treatments - only my mom didn't have cancer. She made the whole thing up. Sick I tell you, sick!!

Neil said...

These three tales reall broke my heart. It makes me realized that it is going to take someone really special to win over our Brooke's heart, someone who understands her unique qualities, someone who knows how to give her the pleasure and joy that she richly deserves.

(English translation: What a high-maintenance and choosy broad!)

Brookelina said...

Neil - this was such an opportunity for you to win me over. I guess your crush on me is over now. Oh the humanity.

Brookelina said...

Word verification is on my nerves. I'm turning it off for the time being. Let's see if the spammers attack. Bastards.

Sizzle said...

i disagree with neil. i don't find you to be high maintenance at all. why is that men seem to say that sort of thing about women who have a brain and go after what they want? hmmm. curious! and thank god you are choosy. imagine what we would end up with if we weren't? no, don't imagine- it is too awful.

i think leaving those guys was the best thing you coulda done. i mean, hello! a troll, a hobbit and a substitute brother? next! i do find it highly amusing that you were actually dating someone while you went on these dates. he must have been one helluva understanding fella?

;) sizz

Neil said...

M. Sizzle says: "I disagree with neil. i don't find you to be high maintenance at all. why is that men seem to say that sort of thing about women who have a brain and go after what they want?"

Brooke, not high maintenace? Hah! I've been coming here for six months thowing myself at her every day, and she still hasn't taken me up on that offer to meet at the Daytona Beach Hilton, Room 203, on November 18th at 8PM wearing nothing but high heels --

That's what I call high maintenance.

And when have I ever dissed Brooke's brain? No way! Her brain is hot!

Brookelina said...

Sizz - we had a very bizarre relationship. We actually lived together but we sometimes dated others. What can I say, we were 21. We were the classic can't live with you but can't live without you couple. We had two other roommates, poor things, who never knew what was going on between us from one day to the next. Neither did we.
Is it any wonder I'm still single?

Neil - I have yet to receive that invitation. I think you have me mixed up with one of your other Florida blogbabes. Daytona is quite a long drive and I would no doubt get a ticket if I drove all the way there in nothing but heels.

And it's true. My brain is hot. It's at least 98 degrees at all times. I checked.

Neil said...

Jeez, how can you not love someone so funny?

Calzone said...

Brooke,
You and your loose morals disgust me. I've tried to overlook them because I know having a mishapen head and a slit for a mouth can't do much for your self image.

Please though, there are children that read these blogs. Now why don't you slap your ass for daddy.

Brookelina said...

Neil - stop trying to butter me up. I'm still peeved at your manly man post.

Calzone - I'm surprised you can even spell the word morals, let alone use it properly in a sentence. And what is that smell! You didn't even take a bath before coming over here did you?

Calzone said...

I can't stop thinking about you

Brookelina said...

You think flattery will get you out of taking a bath? I'm not falling for that again.

Tat said...

Brooke, I think you misunderstood. It's Neil who'd be driving from LA wearing nothing but high heels, speeding up for a randevue (sp?) @ Daytona.

Would they show it on cable?

Monkey said...

My human married four men. I'm just sayin'.

Brookelina said...

Tat - I don't know if they would show it on cable, but I'd pay to see Neil in heels and nothing else.

Monkey - FOUR MEN! Is she from Utah?

RicknCalif said...

I'm the hobbit........and I want my freakin' money back Brookie.

Brookelina said...

Oh crap.

roberta said...

you have to tell me who surf bunny is!!!!

Brookelina said...

I'll get ya on IM.