Years ago I ran into a girl I hadn't seen in a very long time. She was a typical blonde surf bunny who I used to hang out with at the local surfer keg parties, and so I was quite surprised to see her at the ritzy party that I was catering. I was even more surprised when she told me she was there with her husband. I was then floored when she introduced me to her husband - the doctor. Sorry - the brain surgeon. No wait, the gorgeous brain surgeon*. She met him on a blind date.
I have been on three blind dates. Did I meet the man of my dreams? Were they gorgeous? Were they brain surgeons? Were they even worth shaving my legs for? The last one was 15 years ago. Since I am still single, that should tell you something. It should also be noted that although all three were dinner dates, I did not manage to have dinner on any of them.
Blind Date #1 - The Hobbit
I am set up by my aunt, who is well on her way to becoming the gambling addict that she is now. She is a high roller in Atlantic City and he is one of her gambling buddies. She begs me to go out with him as he is a very successful something or other. I actually have a boyfriend, but it is one of those undercover relationships, so I agree to go out with him for the sake of my aunt and keeping up appearances. Besides, it's a free meal and a show.
The first thing I notice about him was that he is shorter than I am. Now, I'm 5'3, so to be shorter than I am means he is about the size of a hobbit. He is shaped like a pear. He is also bald, sporting enormous glasses, and has enormous spaces between his teeth. I am 21 and very much entrenched in my beautiful boy stage. I pray he has the proverbial "good personality."
He (and my aunt, who is there to introduce us and gamble away my college tuition - but that's another story) refuse to leave the blackjack table for the meal portion of our evening. Apparently I am good luck and they are on a winning streak. Exactly two minutes before the show is to begin he begrudgingly brings me to the theatre - where he promptly falls asleep. I wake him up at the end of the show, and he drags me back to the tables. He gives me $500 to gamble with. I wander around the floor for 20 minutes and then tell him I lost it at the roulette wheel. I feign exhaustion and make my escape.
Amazingly, the hobbit calls me several times for more dates that I actually go on - and yes, I realize this means I am his paid escort. My boyfriend finally puts his foot down when the hobbit tries to arrange to take me to New York for a picnic and hot air balloon ride in Central Park.
Blind Date #2 - The Jewish Boy
Same year. Boyfriend is starting to become annoyed by all the blind dates. I reassure him that I am only going to keep my mother off my back. She has found me a nice Jewish boy and there is no getting out of this one. I've never gone out with a Jewish boy so this was going to be a new experience for me.
We meet at a local restaurant and have a drink at the bar. He is dressed in a suit and is quite good looking. Hmmmm....there must be something wrong with him besides having the unfortunate name of Ira. He is funny, smart, and successful. Something is bothering me about him. I can't quite put my finger on it. Something familiar about him. I know him from somewhere. He tells me a joke and laughs before he gets to the punchline. I laugh, thinking he is just like my brother.
Just. Like. My. Brother.
I leave before dinner.
Blind Date #3 - The Troll
I'm just home from Australia and pining to go back so I can win back the one who got away. Mom decides to take me to see a local psychic woman whom she has befriended. I think she is hoping that the pychic will tell me not to go back to Australia.
The psychic tells me not to go back to Australia. My life is here, she says. She also tells me I was a Vaudevillian actor in a previous life and that all my old Vaudeville friends are surrounding me, watching over me. I feel creepy and am now afraid to be naked in the shower.
The next day said psychic calls me and tells me she wants to set me up on a date with her son. Now, think about this - a psychic wants to set me up on a date. Does she know our future? Is this the one? She tells me he is a very handsome surgical intern! How can I refuse?
We decide to meet at the Outback. If the date sucks at least I can enjoy a good beer and pretend I'm back in Australia. I flirt with the bartender while I wait. My date shows up and introduces himself. The bartender can barely contain his laughter. My date looks like a troll.
We sit down for dinner and I order the swordfish. He tells me about his day. He observed open heart surgery. He describes it to me in vivid detail as I stare at my dinner, fighting back the urge to puke all over his Bloomin' Onion. I tell him I am not feeling well and leave him to finish the date with my plate of swordfish.
As I make my escape, the bartender calls me over and slips me his number. When I call him, he asks me to dinner.
I tell him that I would prefer to just meet for coffee.
*Surf bunny and gorgeous surgeon are now divorced. HA!