Friday, July 01, 2005

Moving to Entertainment News:

BrookelinaIn a surprising turn of events, the role of Angelina Jolie will now be played by up and coming newcomer, Brookelina. Rumors abound regarding Jolie's relinquishment of her coveted position, however calls to Jolie's publicist have not been returned. Brookelina, whose real name is unknown, immediately vacated the role of herself to take on the challenge of becoming the new Angelina.

In a statement released to the press, producers of the Brookelina project swear that due to new technology on the market today, the public will hardly be able to tell the difference between the real Angelina and her replacement. It has been reported that Brookelina has already been fitted with an exact duplicate of Jolie's body and face, including her famous lips. When asked how she felt about taking on this new role, Brookelina's reply was, "Holy shit, look at these tits!!!"

Brad Pitt, Brookelina's BangBrookelina's immediate responsibilities will include saving the world from hunger, getting a new tattoo, and banging Brad Pitt until her head explodes.

Auditions will be held immediately to take over Brookelina's previous commitment for this weekend. Responsibilities include the packing of her mother's Boca Raton condo, enduring her mother's never-ending supply of Barbra Streisand CD's, and watching her brothers argue incessantly over who gets the stainless steel cookware. In what can only be described as a bizarre coincidence, all of the understudies previously designated for this position are simultaneously having root canal and are unable to fulfill their contractual responsibilities.

Sources say that Brookelina's lawyers are currently in negotiations to extend her contract to the year 3047.

52 comments:

yournamehere said...

Brooke, this was great, but I'm sending you a cleaning bill from earlier today. I was reading your comment on LA's blog and when I saw the word "twat" I spat Coke all over myself.

The Moviequill said...

Brookalina, just a note to file away for future extort, I mean blackmail I mean usage...you wear shoes like that and I will paint your house, mow your lawn, perform hours of mundane chores, kill several of your known enemies....) (smiles)

Brookelina said...

YNH - it seems to be day for spitting. I spit coffee out on my screen at one point as well.

twat

Brian said...

Brooke...

If you need a leading man, just let me know.I'm free for the next, well...year!

Brookelina said...

Moviequill - I am pretty much unable to walk in shoes that are any higher than the average tennis sneaker.
Brookalina however, always wears shoes like this. She can sleep in them, kick ass in them, even shower in them. She is so cool.

Major7 said...

Is the position filled yet? I love Barbra!!! Plus, will all 4 brothers be there?

im here somewhere said...

OH BROOKE...YOUR LESBIANISM IS SHOWING AGAIN.....

Marel Lecone said...

OMG! I love this. Where do you come up with this stuff?!?! Very funny. Just don't take Angelina's rear--I've never been too impressed with it. Not that I am in the habit of checking out women's rears. It is just that I crack up how many times they fly by her rear in the Tombraider movies because she has no shape back there.

Anthony said...

Can I have the stainless steal cookwear? I can't cook but it's fun to bag on 'em with wooden spoons and pretend you're a drummer. If you tie one arm behind your back you can even be Rick Allen!

Anthony said...

Make that cookware. I should know better, I worked at Walmart for a year.

Nick said...

Actually, I insist that you take Angelina from the rear. I mean, take her rear...

Nevermind.

Brookelina said...

Major - the position is yours! Permanently! Only three brothers will be there and one of them is of the brethren. You and he should have no problem kicking the asses of the other two.

Lilred - I feel this solves my lesbian issue. If I AM the person I want to be a lesbian with, than I'm only a lesbian during masturbation.

Marel - contractually, I think I have to take her rear. But if not, is there someone else's rear I should request? And don't say J-Lo, I hate her.

Brookelina said...

Anthony - you can have the cookware as long as you promise to bang it as loudly as possible when in the vicinity of my brothers.

And making fun of an amputee is just wrong! But alas...it was funny.

Nick - I'm taking her rear. Or rather, I'm keeping her rear. Whatever.

JJ said...

Well, it's a good news/bad news situation for me. You're off banging Brad Pitt but then I never liked Angelina Jolie. I'll just have to wait to see who fills the Brooke position and hope she's as good at it as you are... were.

Brookelina said...

JJ - this may be the only time in history that a man prefers me to Angelina. I'm just going to bask in this for a while.

YNH - I actually used the word "twat" twice yesterday. I also used it in Mel's Friday Friday post. I must have really had twat on the brain.

Ew.

The Moviequill said...

Brooke, take out 'shoes like thar' and insert 'tennis sneakers' and my feelings still remain intact (smirks) hey, have a great holiday weekend and thanks for making me chuckle, giggle and guffaw

yournamehere said...

When I was a kid someone would say something and the other party would cup their hand to their ear and say "Twat? Cunt here ya. Got an ear infucktion." Pure hilarity.

Brookelina said...

MQ - coming from a writer like yourself, I most graciously thank you for the compliments.

YNH - I see you subscribe to the same "never too late to have a happy childhood" theory that I do. No wonder we get along! My favorite is one my brother used to to. He worked in a deli at the shore in the summer - total nightmare. Everytime he finished waiting on someone he would say "Fuck you very much". Nobody ever noticed.

Ruben said...

I think I'm old enough to be reading bad words like Twat. lol

MoDigli said...

brookalina....
where do you come up with this stuff????

Are you this funny while teaching the little ones? I bet it would be fun to be in your class!

im here somewhere said...

whenever i dont hear someone correctly i sat "twat" some people get it, but the old people think i just said "what" try it, its fun

Brookelina said...

Ruben - good, cause I used several other bad words in my post as well.

Mo - I don't know where this stuff comes from. Maybe I'm half out of my mind. Only half, mind you.
I do like to inject a lot of humor in my classroom. People are always saying you can't be humorous with little ones, but they are so wrong! They love it!

Lilred - it's good to see you back. I am defintely going to use that one.
Fuck you very much.

MoDigli said...

Schools no fun without some good clean kid-humor! It's fun to see the kiddies laugh and have a good time while they learn.

Back to Brookalina, though....
Man, your legs are HOT!!! I wish I had those long lanky legs of yours. I know everyone talks about your lips, but I think I'd rather have your legs!

Brookelina said...

I know! How about these legs! Perfect for wrapping around Brad.

im here somewhere said...

twat was that? oh i got it..fuck you too brooke..

come shit on my lap and ill tell you a secret...

emajames said...

i agree, her legs far outweigh her lips!

Anthony said...

Normally I'd agree that it is wrong to make fun of amputees, but really, how many one armed drummers are in rock bands?

Brookelina said...

Lilred - ok I'm out.

Emajames - I totally agree.

Anthony - and since he is more famous than ever and is laughing all the way to the bank, I'm sure he doesn't give a rat's behind what riff raff like us think anyway.

Anthony said...

Very true.

Harley Quinn said...

HAHAHHA...fuck you very much.... I remember that!!! Oh the memories!

joanne said...

Brooke, that is hysterical! I haven't heard the word twat used in so long! Is that an east coast thing?

sunshine said...

Oh my God, girl! You are so funny!

After seeing "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," I want to be Brook-alina too. Or Sunny-lina. Whatever!

im here somewhere said...

ok maybe that was the wrong phrase sorry..we can still say "twat was that"

and for the record, i prefer to make out with "real" women, not angelina types..

Brookelina said...

Anthony - I've been meaning to tell you how much I love your new pic. Very Neo.

LA - I actually said that one today to the security guard at mom's gated community. I know he's just doing his job but he's still a pain in the ass.

Jo-Anne - I don't know about that. They don't have twats on the west coast?

Brookelina said...

Sunny - I'm going to see that tomorrow. Can't wait!

Lilred - noooo!!! I meant I'm out of phrases! Fuck you very much is all I've got. lol

sunshine said...

You are going to love it. Brad is very bang-able.

im here somewhere said...

whore-y up will ya.

Harley Quinn said...

Happy 4th of July :)

Brookelina said...

Sunny - I just saw it and OH --- MY---GOD. Bangable?? I would say HIGHLY bangable.

lilred - you crack me up.

LA - you too!

darth said...

her legs, definitely..her tattoos..hmmm...and that vial of billy bobs blood? ewwww!

TrueJerseyGirl said...

Ha ha ha....good stuff!!!

Thanks for re-blogrolling me and if you aren't on mine, I'll blogroll you right now!

Brookelina said...

Brookalina will not be wearing vials of blood around her neck. She thinks it's ewwwwwwwww too!

Jersey - Thank you! :)

sunshine said...

Holy cow. 42 freakin' babblers? You should charge admission and make a bundle. You're the "it" girl of the blogging world!

Happy 4th, brook-alina!

Brookelina said...

Oh please Sunny, most of the comments are from me anyway. See? I just made it 44.

Happy 4th!

Loz said...

i heard a rumour that angelina is pregnant - is brookalina obligated to now carry brad's baby?

Brookelina said...

Brookalina does not have a problem with having Brad's babies.

im here somewhere said...

twat was that? your carrying brad pitts baby?ass a member of your blogging buddies, I would like to congratulate you.

Gordy said...

Difficult to judge from this phot, but I suspect you could give Angelina a run for her money.

Tell you what though, you grab Brad and get him out of the way, leaving Angelina free for me.

Lo Lo Lova said...

If he left Jen for Angelina, and is leaving Angelina for you, are you prepared to have a second-runner up when he decides to bail? Pick someone now, and then just before you think he's going to start cheating, dump his ass!

Brookelina said...

Gordy - you are on!

Lo Lo - Brookalina hadn't thought of that. But her legs are freakishly long and powerful, so she could just keep him in a leglock until she is through with him.

Melanie was here said...

Brookalina sounds like one tough cookie. Brad won't know what hit him!

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