Friday, August 31, 2007

Finish It Meme

I found this "Finish It Meme" on my new blog discovery- I Read Banned Books by Cajunvegan. Not only is she a fellow educator and football fan, but she loves red wine, sushi, and procrastination. It's like we were separated at birth. Please visit her blog.

On with the meme:

My ex is still:
a dick.
I'm listening to: the soundtrack from The Mission.
Maybe I should: read a book instead of playing online.
I love: the feel of the sun on my skin.
My best friends: are smarter, prettier, cooler, and funnier than I am.
I don't understand: why Ryan Seacrest is allowed to live.
I lost respect for: republicans.
The meaning of my screen name is: the pomaceous fruit of the wild rose plant.
Love is: thicker than water.
Somewhere someone is: having sex on the beach.
I will always: wonder if my students will remember me.
Forever seems like: a really long time.
I never ever want to lose: my sense of humor.
Your mobile phone is: not to be dialed or answered while in heavy traffic.
When I wake up in the morning: I am grouchy.
I get annoyed at: shoobies.
Parties are: those things I never go to anymore.
My pet: peeves are bad drivers and bad grammar.
Kisses are: better than almost anything in the world.
Today I: had cramps.
I really want: to own my own home.
I live: on an island.
I work: in education.
I think: fairly often.
I smell: the ocean.
I listen: to old Bill Cosby albums when I am down.
I see: with the help of contact lenses or glasses.
I sing: really really poorly.
I can: play the flute.
I daydream: about buying the house I grew up in and restoring it to its former glory.
I fall: for accents and dimples.
I want: world peace. No seriously, I do.
I cry: at the drop of a hat.
I love: dark chocolate.
I sometimes: like to spend an entire day in bed with a book.
I fear: not living up to my potential.
I hope: I get the job that I interviewed for yesterday.
I eat: cake!
I drink: gin and tonics with extra lime.
I miss: being in love.
I forgive: Viggo for never calling me.
I drive: a nine year old car that I plan on keeping for another nine years.
I dream: of Jeannie used to be the ringtone on my cell phone.
I kiss: on the first date.
I hug: my students constantly.
I have: a tattoo on my ass.
I remember: the dress I wore to the first day of kindergarten.
I don't: have much tolerance for bullshit.
I believe: that everything happens for a reason.
I know: how to ask where the bathroom is in five different languages.
I hate: when people complain that they are bored.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Tuesday Ten #3

Ten of My Favorite Quotes
  1. I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet cushion. -Henry David Thoreau

  2. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. -Homer (Simpson)

  3. History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it. -Winston Churchill

  4. Needs should definitely be met, as long as it doesn't require ointments the next day. -Xander Harris

  5. Why slap them on the wrist with feather when you can belt them over the head with a sledgehammer. -Katherine Hepburn

  6. No man is totally useless, he can always serve as a bad example. -Apocrypha

  7. Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. -Mark Twain

  8. Life itself is the proper binge. -Julia Child

  9. I don't believe in accidents. There are only encounters in history. There are no accidents. -Pablo Picasso

  10. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. -Unknown 7 year old

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Intellectual Property

So it seems my Brooke Bond concept is not mine alone. An anonymous reader of my blog sent me this video of Gerard Butler on the Craig Ferguson show discussing my international superslut superspy idea together*! Apparently they didn't know about me, or clearly I would have been mentioned. An oversight on their part, no doubt.

OK, actually this show was from a couple of years ago, so technically they came up with it first. But since I didn't know about his until recently, whose intellectual property is it**? I say mine, being that I have the name and Butler didn't get the Bond gig. I'll have to call my agent to deal with this.

*The Bond talk is at the end of the video, but the two of them are quite entertaining together, so if you have the time, watch the whole thing.

**Actually I couldn't care less. I can't even tell you how hot it was to hear Butler say my name.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Return of the Fire Drill

This was originally posted two years ago. Why am I reposting it? Because it is happening again at this very moment. Please, allow me to share my pain.

Spine-chilling ear-piercing siren, Spine-chilling ear-piercing siren, Spine-chilling ear-piercing siren


Spine-chilling ear-piercing siren, Spine-chilling ear-piercing siren, Spine-chilling ear-piercing siren

repeat chorus

This has been going on for the last half an hour, piped in through the sound system at a decibel level equivalent to an air raid warning. It would be an excellent torture device for the criminally insane. I know this is true as I am on the verge of a homicidal rampage.

And even though it was announced 112 times that this was just a drill and not to leave your apartment, I guarantee several of mom's neighbors are downstairs asking where the fire is. No doubt they took the elevator.

Originally posted: June 20th, 2005

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Tuesday Ten #2

Ten Reasons I Will Not Get a Cat

1-10. I'm a single schoolteacher living at home with my mother.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Cable Lineup July/August

Recent search words and phrases that landed unwitting freaks to my blog/cable network.

  • bullet tits
  • big bums
  • titless fat ass
  • guy's nutsack
  • live flasher
  • ogle tits stars
  • stages of undress
  • titless blog
  • slutty stories
  • there are two ropes? flash

E! Entertainment News
  • john candy look-alikes
  • jesse mccartney look-alikes
  • kate and kelly look alike
  • scarlett big butt
  • big ass scarlett
  • Gerard butler july 2007
  • gerard butler
  • gerard buttler
  • gerard butler paparazzi photos
  • gerard butler penis blogspot
  • gerard butler secretly married
  • i bagged gerard butler
  • gerard butler brazilian
  • is gerard butler gay
  • blogs on gerard butler's penis
  • gerard butler in love with brooke - ok fine, I made that one up.

The Food Network
  • coffee and cigarettes for breakfast
  • smoking basil leaves
  • coffee shop flash boobs
  • picture of wild rose hip
  • wild rosehip
  • ynh yummy
  • brooke bond 3 roses
  • babbling brooke store
  • vegemite in fridge

  • living alone sucks
  • how to get your husband in a maid's outfit
  • why can't you flirt with someone else's husband
  • loyal sociopath
  • how to make my hips look bigger
  • cinderella long stories
  • random questions to ask a boy you like
  • places to be kissed
  • recreational lesbian - New!

  • Why MCI went bankrupt
  • teacher shitty salary
  • illegal to flip off off duty cop
  • lil obama
  • is sociopathy a bad thing?
  • nancy pelosi's boobs

Sci-Fi - New!
  • ...and no your back from outer space
  • plan 9 stayed chucky dolls - my personal favorite

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Tuesday Ten #1

I recently saw this blog that hosts a weekly meme called the Thursday Thirteen. Each week people create a list of thirteen things of any topic they can think of, and then they all tell each other about them and read each other's lists. It's all very organized and social. I like the idea very much, but I don't want to do it. For one thing, I'm very superstitious, and 13 is an unlucky number*. For another, I'm usually kind of busy on Thursdays**. But most importantly, I just can't ever seem to make myself follow the crowd. I have an innate predilection to defy the norm. To fight the power. To march to the beat of my own drummer. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel.

But I do love the idea of making lists. I'm a Virgo, we are natural born list makers. It suits our anal retentive sensibilities. And so I have decided that every Tuesday I will make my own list of ten things. I will call it the Tuesday Ten - for obvious reasons. See how I did that? I picked a day that I'm not nearly as busy. Then I whittled down the list to only ten, a nice round even number that still allows for a nice alliteration. And I'm doing it all by myself with no judgments from the establishment. I am a clever girl.

Since I already exposed my silly superstitious nature, my first Tuesday Ten will be my about that topic.

My Top Ten Superstitions
  1. I'm afraid to point out fortunate things - or ways I've been lucky - about myself, as this can bring on the evil eye. For example, I won't ever say something like, "I can't believe I've never fallen off the top of a mountain and broken every bone in my body," or "Thank goodness I haven't gotten that flesh eating disease that everyone else has," or "Boy am I lucky that Viggo is so warm for my form***." These are the kinds of statements that invite the evil eye to come a knockin'. If I do inadvertently blurt out something stupid like this, I immediately shout, "Kin ahora kin ahora, pooh pooh pooh!" which is basically a Yiddish expression meaning "No evil eye here! Knock on wood!" Well, actually the kin ahora part wards off the evil eye. I add the pooh pooh pooh part. It's my verbal knock on wood.

  2. I also won't say anything that could bring on any type of bad karma to myself or the people around me, nor will I allow others do so. For instance, recently a friend was commenting that I could still get hired before the school year because some teacher could possibly fall off a mountain and break every bone in her body, or maybe could contract some sort of flesh eating disease. Despite the fact that I am desperate for a teaching position, I do not want it to be based on the misfortune of someone else - that's bad karma. Unless that person got what was coming to them for having their own bad karma. Like for being mean to the elderly. Or mistreating small animals. Or voting republican. That's different. Kin ahoras cover that no problem.

  3. Besides my verbal knocks on wood, I'm a big believer in the physical knock on wood as well. What's important to note here is that I don't just knock three times after making a seemingly innocent comment that could potentially cause the end of the world as we know it. I knock the entire time I'm making the statement. This allows me to speak freely while warding off the evil eye. It's a little known fact that the evil eye can't hear anything over the sounds of rhythmic knocking.

  4. On the first day of each month, the first thing I say upon waking up is "Rabbit rabbit rabbit." It's meant to bring good luck. Some people say "Bunny bunny bunny." I used to say that, but now that I'm a grown up it sounds silly.

  5. I'm very superstitious about New Year's Day. Anything that can be gotten rid of to make a fresh start for the new year must be done. My house has to be spotless. All trash must be removed. The fridge and cupboards must be stocked. All bills must be paid and filed. I even clear off all the dirty pictures junk files on my computer. Everything must be in its place. It's one big beautiful freak show of a clean slate. I'm all aflutter just thinking about it.

  6. I won't ever sit in a wheelchair. My mom has one here since she broke her hip, and the other day my brother sat in it and started rolling around. I screamed, "Get out of the chair get out get out get out that's bad luck!!!" I almost set off his defibrillator, which proves that it is indeed bad luck to sit in a wheelchair.

  7. Purse on the floor - you will be poor. I never put my handbag on the ground. Apparently the money oozes out the bottom and hides in the floorboards. I must have put many handbags on the floor in a previous life to be as economically challenged as I am today.

  8. I never put shoes on the bed or a table. I don't know why. This might just be a neat freak thing, but I have heard it's bad luck. Shoes on the table - bad. Shoes on the floor - good. Purse on the floor - bad. Purse on the table - good. I hope you are all taking notes.

  9. I will only pick up found pennies that are heads up. They say you are supposed to turn a tails-up penny to heads-up to bring good luck to the next person, but I'm not falling for that one. If that tails-up penny is bad luck, I'm not touching it. You can't fool me three times.

  10. I never light three cigarettes on the same match - that's very bad luck. Smoking three cigarettes at once is really disgusting anyway.
So that is the first edition of the Tuesday Ten. Feel free to come up with your own list. If you do, let me know in the comments section. You can be a follower and do the same topic that I chose, or you can be a rebel and come up with your own - which I can then steal for next week's installment.

*The number 13 is only acceptable when referring to a baker's dozen. An extra doughnut is always a good thing.
**Thursday is laundry day.
***Shut up.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Hide in Plain Site

No, I haven't had a hit called on me. And no, I'm not hiding out from the authorities ... uh, no. But lately I have been wanting a little bit more anonymity on my blog, and having my name plastered on the URL, the title, and the profile name did not offer much in the way of privacy. Maybe it's the whole moving back to the tiny hometown thing - I feel much more exposed - and not in the good way. And so I realized it was time to change. I had several choices on how to make this change which entailed hours of soul searching and ice cream consumption. I hope you can appreciate my agony.

Choice 1: Delete my blog and start all over.
This choice sucked. I like my blog. I like most of my posts. Deleting seemed too much like killing a small child to me - something I would never do unless there were copious amounts of whining involved. Which of course there was. My blog was a bitch. But killing her seemed slightly excessive.

Choice 2: Go private.
This would put an end to my Keywords and Asshats posts. Never.

Choice 3: Stop blogging completely.
Too much like Choice 1. Maybe not killing, but definitely abandoning. Not an option.

Choice 4: Stop obsessing over minor things. Leave things as they are.
Stop. Obsessing.
I'm laughing so hard at this one I've got a cramp.

Choice 5: Move blog to a new URL.
Done. I realize that my name is still all over this blog, but nobody reads archives anyway. Well, except for the perverts looking for accidental flashing. Even with that, changing the name and address will afford me a bit more privacy from local eyes, and that's all I'm really looking for.

I'll leave a link for a while on my old blog so that my few readers will be able to find me - and so the porn spammers don't infiltrate my old beloved URL. Eventually I'll just leave it be, an empty shell on the broken highway of blogging dreams. Now all I can ask is that the people who have been reading will migrate on over here with me, change my name/URL on their blogrolls, and send large amounts of money to a numbered account in the Caymans.

It was worth a shot.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Funeral for a Fish

Spike the Calico (age unknown) - of South Jersey, suddenly and unexpectedly departed this life and went home to his Creator on this Thursday afternoon. During his short life, he was an active and fun loving fish. He could often be found swimming round and round his bowl, hiding behind his favorite plastic plants, and schmoozing for food at the waterline.

Cause of death is unknown at this time, but his bowlmate - Louie the Gold - is currently being questioned by authorities regarding what looked like some torn fins and a very large bruise near Spike's mouth. When his owner was asked if another fish will be brought in to keep Louie company, she replied, "I think it might be best for Louie - and any other potential bowlmates - if he were to be kept confined from the general population for the rest of his life a while."

Besides his psychotic bowlmate Louie, Spike is survived by his doting owner and author of this blog, and an unknown number of brothers and sisters who live in fishbowls throughout the Northeast. We will all miss him dearly. A ceremony will be held in the bathroom down the hall this evening. In lieu of flowers, please offer an honorary flush of your toilet in his honor.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

And so you're back, from outer space

I've had two lists of questions sitting around in the "Posts" section of the dashboard just waiting to be answered. The first five are from Todd, who according to a recent fuckwit source is my hero. Clearly I must answer these immediately lest I upset the object of my worship. The second set are from someone I can't remember else.

Todd's Questions

1. What is the one thing, besides family and friends, that you'll miss about South Florida?
I will miss wearing nothing but a t-shirt and jeans to go out in the middle of January. As much as I look forward to the change of seasons, I know I'll be bitching and moaning come the dead of winter here in the northeast.

2. Describe in brief detail the worst date you've ever been on.
This is easy. Click here.

3. If you could meet one celebrity for a non-sexual encounter, who would it be?
Gerard Butler.
Shut up. I'm sure we'd have a lot to talk about.

4. Better Daren: Dick York or Dick Sargent?
Dick York for sure. He was always so frantic. He could make a cup of coffee nervous. It was fun to watch him melt down week after week. Dick Sargent always seemed so annoyed. I think Endora should have magically removed the stick from his ass.

5. Where is your favorite pizza place? Why is it your favorite?
My favorite pizza place in the world is Pizza Fantasy in Rome. It's down the street from the central Termini, right next to the Sexy Theatre. I don't know which was there first, the pizza or the porn, but the pizza is by far the best I've ever had in my life. I haven't been there in years, so it's possible that they have cleaned up that area and changed the name. I just hope they haven't changed the recipe.

Someone Else's Questions

1. If money were no object, what would you be doing with your life?
I'd buy homes in all my favorite cities, and spend my days searching each city for beautiful things to fill them with. I'd go to art museums, fine restaurants, and Broadway shows. I'd hire a sexy trainer to get my body back in shape and then of course, I'd fuck him.

2. Money is just that - an object, so why aren’t you doing it?
Because if I tried to do these things with the money available to me, I'd go to jail for check fraud.

3. What’s better: horses or cows?
Horses are cool because you can ride them and they are pretty.
Cows moo and make steak.
It's a tough call.

4. What do you think the secret to happiness is?
See number 1.

5. When was the last time you had a dream that you either remember well or did not want to awake from? Can you share a bit?
This is a family site, I can't share.
Oh wait, no it's not.

6. When you were a little kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
I wanted to be the first female coach in the NFL.

7. Complete this statement: Love is...
higher than a mountain! Love is thicker than water!

8. Can you tell a good story?
I can tell a fabulous story. Haven't you been reading my blog?

9. Can you remember your last daydream? What was it about?
I remember it well. It was about sex. And real estate. Sex and real estate. Mmmmmm.

10. If you were to thank someone today, who would you thank?
My mom, for making it possible for me to finish school. And for putting up with me when I was a teenager. And for letting me live with her so that I can save up for my dream of sex and real estate.