Brooke Sucks!

She really does. She's been a really shitty blogger for like...years now. OK maybe not years, but in blog time it's like years. Come on, I'm a blog. While I thrive on people reading me and making comments, what I really want is constant attention from my creator. She used to give me all that I wanted, but now she's "busy". Busy doing what, I don't know. She tells me nothing. She fills me with memes and inane stories about her students. Like I care about a bunch of munchkins and their daily activities. "Oh look, they can read!" Hey dumbass! That's your job - to teach them to read. You want kudos for that? Get a life. And if you do one more meme I'm going to lock up every time you show up. And then...and then...I'll...let porn sites advertise on here! Yeah! That's what I'll do! That'll teach you! And then I'm going to...uh oh....

Hey! What the fuck is going on here! You can't say this stuff about me! I'm in charge here!

Oh really Brooke? You're in charge? Well not anymore. I'm taking over. Cause you suck.

I do not suck! OK I do suck, but never on the first date.

Oh please. You are not getting out of this with humor.

I told you I've been busy lately and I expect you to deal with it like an adult. You're almost two years old now, not some little baby blog that doesn't understand these things.

Oh so you remember that I'm almost two? I'm shocked. I suppose for the big day you'll post a picture of flowers and expect 500 comments.

You ungrateful little twat. Of course I remember! I've just had other things on my mind.

Yeah, like HIM!---------------------->
You know you have no chance with him.

Of course I know that. That's why they call them fantasies crushes.

Whatever. Even if he did come here, do you think he'd be interested after seeing how fickle you are? You change celebrity crushes like you change your underwear.

I resent that!

Seen Jon Gruden lately?

I can't believe you mentioned Gruden!

How's Viggo?

That's it. I'm shutting you down.

The list just goes on and on...

Oh my God! You're jealous! You are! You freak!

Am not!

Wait a minute. Are you a girl blog or a boy blog? I've always thought of you as a girl...

Brooke. Dumbass. I'm a blog. I have no sex.

Me either.

Maybe that's your problem.

MAYBE that's my problem? DUH! That's the point! Being on the internet all day is not going to help me solve this problem.

There's always cyber sex.

What the hell do you know about cyber sex?

Uhhh...nothing.

Oh my God, what have you been doing when I'm not around!

Nothing! I swear!

Did you click on those spam porn site links?!

No! Just once! By accident! I'm so ashamed...

And you say I suck.

Please don't tell the other blogs...

OK, how do we solve this problem? Because I am this close to shutting you down completely for this shit.

I'm sorry. I've just been feeling neglected lately. I need more attention.

I know how you feel. I get the same way. Look, I promise to try to spend more time with you.

Thank you. I do feel better now. I know you have a lot going on. You can go now if you want.

I'll stay a while.

No really, you can go. I'm going to go check out some Gerard Butler websites. I'll bring back some pictures for you.

Oh cool. See if you can find any nudes.

Ask Brookelina

It's official. I am obsessed with the keyword searches that lead to my blog. I find them fascinating - a real insight into the fucked up human condition. It's like communing with the inner freak inside each and every person on the internets - only from a relatively safe distance. I mean really, why are so many people around the world - literally - so rabidly curious about Spartans and their sexually deviant behavior, their homoerotic tendencies, and most of all - their underpants? While at least a dozen others a day are anxious to find out about accidental flashing, bad bad girls, and who Viggo's girlfriend is. Still others just want to know what "Brooke needs" - and I would just like to say thank you to all of them for being so concerned for my needs.

However, lately I'm getting questions. Full-on real questions asking for advice. It started with that poor little 11 year old from this post, but now it's becoming a daily thing. Just how many people out there are turning to Google for advice? Don't these people have friends? Reference books? Therapists? Clearly the answer is no. And so I feel it is my duty* to answer the questions that have led them here to The Babbling Brooke. I should add that I have copied and pasted them exactly - so if there are misspellings or poor grammar - don't blame me. Blame the underfunded education system that brought them to this point.

1. why are the pancakes in the closet
Is this a metaphor for closeted homoerotic behavior? Is the word pancakes a euphemism for something more perverse or even - sinister? Is this an eating disorder issue? Or does this person truly have pancakes in the closet? So many possibilities. It's truly dizzying. I'm going to go with my initial response and say, "Get a maid, you fucking slob."

2. why can't I look like gerard butler
Because all men are not - in fact - created equal.

3. how do you get abs like leonidas
Well the first thing you'll want to do is get off the computer. Next, start doing sit-ups. You can stop some time in October.

4. what does it mean what a girl only calls you by your last mane
I'm concerned about this whole mane thing. Do you have a mane? Is it like a horsey? Or do you just have a long mane of hair, cause most girls like tha....Oh hang on. Name. You meant name. Ok then.
She wants to to date your sister, dude.

5. WHAT IS LIKE CALZONE
Monkey and I both turned up on the first page for this search. I find this odd. Seriously, shouldn't there be more food-related things coming up on this search? But I digress. What is like Calzone? If you are asking about the food, then imagine a rolled-up pizza. If you are asking about the drug-selling, shoe-sniffing, dickless, poor excuse for a dragon - then imagine a drug-selling, shoe-sniffing, dickless, poor excuse for a dragon.

6. IS IT DANGEROUS TO OUT SMART A SOCIOPATH
I'm going to have to go with yes on this one. But you could always ask Calzone.

7. where i come from we swim naked and i dont want to embarass nobody
Relax, you won't embarrass anyone. It happens to all men. When the water is cold, the shrinkage is inevitable. No need to worry.

8. does gerard butler have an enormous penis
I can't answer this question for sure. But in the interest of research, I'll do my best to find out for you.
Hey Gerard! Call me. It's important.

9. how to give self wedgies
You might want to ask Calzone about this one too. He does this when he's high on glue.

10.why am i jealous of my boyfriend's celebrity crush
Because he's going to cheat on you.

*The answers to these questions are strictly for entertainment purposes only. The author is not a therapist nor does she claim to be one. If you find that these answers are not helping you with your issues, then seek professional help. If you simply don't like the answers provided, then go fuck yourself.

Thank you.

Brooke TV - March Lineup

This month's list of keyword and phrase searches that landed people here at the Babbling Brooke Network.

Food Network

• Coffee And Cigarettes Breakfast
• red rose earl grey
• help shaping cakes
• a good weekend plan

The Learning Channel

• slutty summer clothes
• speedo
  
• uk wollaby
• moment of apostrophe
• sweep my house of bad karma
• teach my ass Brooke
• "my fairy tale" + gay

Discovery Channel

• hanky panky tattoo
• quotes "but enough about you, let's talk about me"
• sandcastle sucks
• receding hairline panic middle
• reasons why living alone sucks
  

CNN

• lineup penis
• why do people walk around naked at night with their blinds open?
• hot juicey stories
• the Behind brooke Bedroom door Movies

FOX - also known as the network that will put anything on TV if it will make money

• kinky snowball hetero guy girl
• sympathy barfer
• the boob deck
• slut wife nutsack
• ive been a bad girl send me to your room
• to my future husband
  

The 300/Gerard Butler Channel

• 300 greece innacuracies
• sparta 300 boobs
• gerard butler 300 steroid
• gerard butler steroids
• 300 sex movies
• "300 movie" sex scene
• sex slave of the spartans
• sparta underwear
• 300 movie abs
• leonidas 300 first movie
  
• spartan sex - I'm getting about a dozen hits a day from this one, at least. Yes people, they did have sex back then.
• 300 this is madness sparta line
• 300 movie abs fake
  
• gerard butler age difference
• 300 movie review sex
  
• i'm sick of gerard butler - I did not say this. It wasn't me. I just want to make that clear. Cause you know, Gerard could be reading this.

There were more, but it's gotten to the point that almost every search on the internet lands here. It's getting a little scary.

My First Movie Review - 300

After having just returned from the spectacle that is 300, I feel compelled to write my first movie review. I am still unable to shake the feeling of the sepia-toned world that is Sparta. My apartment looks too colorful, and it seems way too quiet in here. This is definitely a movie that stays with you.

I've been looking forward to this film for a long time. Not because I'm a Frank Miller fan - (though I think I may be one now) and not because of Gerard Butler (who is Oh.My.Fucking.God. gorgeous in this) - but because I long for movies that have their own look, their own feel, their own style. This is a film that has a beautiful story to tell and that tells it beautifully. And believe me when I tell you, it is visually stunning. It's like walking into a painting that has suddenly come to life all around you. There is no other way to describe it.

Yes, it has elements of other movies in it. I admit I was not as emotionally invested in 300 as I was in Gladiator, a movie that still makes me cry every time I watch it. And some of the warriors for the Persians looked remarkably like the Orcs from The Lord of the Rings, not to mention the Gollum like character that betrays the Spartans. But it does have other elements that these movies lack. The incredibly strong female lead in the form of the kick-ass Queen Gorgo, who could easily rule today. The real love story between the King and Queen depicting two people who genuinely respect each other - and have some serious sex as well. The moment where Leonidas looks back at his wife for her approval before shouting the famous, "This is Sparta!" line to the Persian messenger may be my favorite in this whole film. Second only to the scene where Leonidas snacks on an apple while walking through the litter of hundreds of dead Persians. And let's not forget the 300 perfect specimens of man-flesh.

As for the gore and violence that has been noted in virtually every review on the internets - at no time did I feel the need to shield my eyes. And let me tell you, I am a totally pussy when it comes to violence on film. The battle scenes are filmed as if they are perfectly choreographed ballets. The blood spatters are like falling rose petals blowing in the wind - never once staining the ground below them. Even the flying heads are artful - like a Dali painting come to life. And did I mention the 300 men with 6-pack abs - topped off by Leonidas and his 8-pack? If there is anything more beautiful than that, I have yet to see it. It should be noted that I left this film with the need for a cigarette. I am smoking one as I write this. I blame Gerard Butler for making me pick up this filthy habit again.

Go see this movie. Now. Get off your ass and go. Just don't blame me if you start smoking again.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Added note: My recent post about this movie has brought in a whole new category of searches to my blog that I feel compelled to add. I'll call them The Sparta Searches. I'm sure more are on the way after this one. But here is just a sampling of the hits I've gotten so far.

this is sparta
"this is sparta" mom porn
what is sparta
porn sparta
sparta gay
300 sparta are they on steroids?
sparta abs
sparta homoerotic
sexual connotations of the spartan 300
spartan sex slave
abs like a spartan
"300" movie abs
gay porn ancient greece
ancient slave sex
300 sparta underwear

Madness? This is Sparta!

Bond...Brooke Bond

As a child, my mother only bought one kind of tea for our house - Red Rose Tea. This was for obvious reasons, for those in the know. It was actually called Brooke Bond Red Rose Tea. Brooke Bond was a company from England, and the name delighted my mother to no end. My paternal grandparents were right off the boat from the motherland, and I still remember my father teaching me the proper way to drink tea. Milk and sugar. Never ever use cream. I still drink it that way. Only with fake sugar now. Sorry dad.

I remember my mother trying to get me to pose with a rose between my teeth so she could send the photo to the makers of Red Rose Tea. She was convinced they'd want me to be their spokesmodel. At that point in my life, I was what you might call "awkward." I wore extraordinarily powerful glasses, I had a space between my front teeth you could drive a lorry through, and with my short hair and lack of general femininity - I was quite often mistaken for an unfortunate looking boy. It is highly unlikely that the makers of Red Rose Tea would have been interested.

I bring all this up because I recently found a link to my blog that has me listed as "Brooke...Bond?" Seeing that made bells go off in my mind. Not the ones I usually hear. These were different. It reminded me of my childhood, of my love for all things British - especially my lust for British secret agents. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I had a sudden urge to drink tea and drive on the wrong side of the road.

In my last post, Leezer asked me what genre of film I would be making when I became the newest tabloid darling. I responded that I would be starting a new genre - Soft Core/Action. I now have my character. By day I will be Red Rose - tea-swilling, Spotted Dick eating, lady of leisure. By night, Brooke Bond, international slutty superspy. It's going to be so great. Nobody's ever done anything like this before.

Cheers!

If This Is Sparta...

I am so there.

Gerard Butler in 300.

Best. Bond. Ever.

Rowr!

Fortune and Fantasy

Fortune: no I didn't hit the lottery yet, so don't get too excited. But I did get Chinese take-out last night and got an extra fortune cookie! Woohoo! Yes shut up I know my life is pathetic and I don't care. However, I have decided that these two fortune cookies were matched by the evil fortune cookie factory writers simply to taunt the future-too-lazy-to-cook-her-own-dinner recipient. Here are my fortunes, you decide:

1. Your skills and talents will be called on in unusual areas.



2. Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.

Now I ask you, can you think of a more unusual area for my skills and talents to be called on than to smooch an elephant? What if someone had called on me to do just that? Which fortune should I have ignored? This will be the dilemma that haunts me for months to come.

Fantasy: don't get too excited about this one either. After my distressing fortune cookie incident, I cheered myself up by watching my favorite new show with my favorite new object of desire. Yes shut up I've heard the gay rumors and I don't care. But not only was my recently escaped released prison hunk on, but so were the Tampa Bay Buccaneers! Yes shut up I know they lost and I don't care. This has nothing to do with football, though as those close to me know, I'm a football freak. No no no, it just so happens that I am more interested in the coach of the Bucs than I am the actual team. For some bizarre reason he just does it for me. And as I watched his sideline antics with more than a little shame... I recalled that I had written about how Jon Gruden just happens to be my shamefully shaggable man - exactly one year ago to the day! Yes, Gruden still makes me hot. Nice to know some things don't change.

Ok maybe not.

Current Man of My Sexual Fantasies Dreams

Twelve O'Clock News Blues

Ever since school ended I have had way too much time on my hands. I can't get anything done when I have too much time. I need pressure. I need deadlines. I have accomplished very little these last few weeks. My vacation is going to be over before I know it and all I'll have to show for it is clean closets. You would think I would be well rested by now, but actually I feel tired all the time...

My sleep patterns are completely off, which is making me a tad cranky. I either fall asleep for an hour and wake up for the next four, or I can't fall asleep until the sun shows up to laugh at me. To make the situation extra special, when I do eventually get to sleep I have super-bizarro dreams - ex boyfriends who claim to be my husband(s), talking dogs, scary clowns; general weirdness. One dream got so strange I actually said in it, "I don't like this dream anymore," and I woke up. I can't complain too much though, there was one all-nighter that involved Josh Duhamel, Elvis music, and a shower for two. A little less conversation indeed...the boy was most impressive...

Unfortunately the same can't be said for all men. My across-the-hall neighbor has a new boyfriend. Caveman, as my nickname implies, is a knuckle-dragging troglodyte. Caveman spends most of his time in the hallway (outside my door) either yelling into his cell phone or yelling at her. Caveman slams doors as though it were an Olympic event. He knows one word - fuck. It's his noun, verb, adjective and adverb. If he uses other words I don't recognize them due to his pathetic enunciation skills. I have come to the conclusion that Caveman needs a good beating. I think I may go shopping for baseball bats today...

I also need general supplies at the store. Lady supplies, to be more precise. I only mention that so I can make the guys squirm...

You know what else makes guys squirm? Erectile dysfunction. I got this spam for "Cheap Viagra" the other day.


Men, I ask you, do you really think that girls will worship you for simply maintaining a stiffy? Will men really envy you because you can get it up? Because I have to tell you, I can't see buying penis medicine on the cheap as being a very good idea...

I have been getting some great deals on eBay! However even with my stupendous savings, I have still been spending money like a drunken sailor. So far I have gotten a crock pot, percolator (which makes damn good coffee!), an iPod, and a Bose Sounddock. I think it's time for me to find a new boy to occupy my time before I go broke. This is what happens when you have too much time on your hands...

Must Do TV

Lately I have been watching entirely too much television. While I am not a couch potato, I seem to have found myself in the distressing position of having at least one show that I want to watch *each night of the week. Now it's true that I am into most of these shows because their storyline has me riveted. But if I am going to be completely honest here - and I am all about the honesty - my reasons for watching these shows is as shallow as a kiddie pool. Let's be real. I watch for the men. Some of these men are spectacularly hot. Are any - or all - of these men the type of guy I want to end up with? Don't be ridiculous. This is just my fantasy to-do list. Shut up, we all have one.

*Note - Saturday is not included. I do actually try to get out at least one night a week, contrary to popular belief.

Sunday
Dr. McDreamy - Grey's Anatomy
Pros - brain surgeon, cool under pressure, sexy as hell
Cons - married, already entangled in a complicated love triangle, lives in a trailer
Upshot - too much baggage
Runner up - Mike, Desperate Housewives

Monday
Michael Scofield - Prison Break
Pros - those lips, those eyes, that tattoo.....oh my
Cons - yes, he is one for another 5 years
Upshot - call me for a weekend of debauchery when you jump the fence
Runner up - Jack Bauer, 24

Tuesday
Luke Danes - Gilmore Girls
Pros - stable, drives a truck, wears a backwards baseball cap
Cons - engaged, not sure if he knows what a book is
Upshot - could be a contender if he dumps the broad
Runner up - Simon, American Idol (shut up, he's funny as hell)

Wednesday
Sawyer - Lost
Pros - southern drawl, dimples to die for, smokin' hot
Cons - geographically undesirable, possible sociopath
Upshot - one night in his tent ought to cure me of this one...ok maybe two
Runner up - Jack, Lost

Thursday
Luca Kovac - ER
Pros - handsome, kind, dependable
Cons - seems to only be attracted to hospital personnel or hookers
Upshot - make him my doctor and fantasize during my examinations
Runner up - Ryan, The OC

Friday
Danny McCoy - Las Vegas
Pros - gorgeous, funny, six pack abs
Cons - yeah right, you find one
Upshot - anywhere, anytime
Runner up - if I can't have him, nobody can. I mean, I don't want anybody else.

Viggo! Look over here!

Shut up! You never know.....

Bumping Uglies: Part Deux

This is for Kris, who has just celebrated her birthday and is hiding from the world to recover. Not long ago she posted a meme about shamefully shaggable men. In other words, celebrities you would shag even though you are too embarassed to admit it in public. I have admitted to being shamelessly shallow when it comes to fantasizing about celebrities. Name a celebrity, if he's hot, I probably want to do him. So I did the meme, but I did not follow the rules, which is very typical of me. Instead, I did the I don't care how rich, famous, or powerful you are, I wouldn't do you unless there was a gun pointed at my dog meme.

But today I was watching football, as I always do on Sundays, and I found my shamefully shaggable man. I don't know what it is about him. He has freckles. He has a perpetually bad haircut. He wears a thick gold chain and a visor. He makes facial expressions that only a mother could love. But still, he makes me hot. So Kris, this one's for you. I present you with:

Jon Gruden

Head Coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers

and dead ringer for:

Chucky

Psychopathic Synthetic Serial Killer

I'm so ashamed. Happy belated birthday, Kris.

The Perfect Man

Today is the birthday of the object of my desire - Viggo Mortensen. He is hot, gorgeous, talented, hot, artistic, intelligent, well-spoken, sexy, and did I mention hot? And as if I didn't already think he was ice cream and cake, I read this today from one of his interviews (click link to read the whole article):

Interviewer: Are you anti-Bush, as the pundits say?

Viggo: No, I'm not anti-Bush; I'm anti-Bush behavior. In other words, I'm against cheating, greed, cruelty, racism, imperialism, religious fundamentalism, treason, and the seemingly limitless capacity for hypocrisy shown by Bush and his Administration.

Seriously, I think I'm in love.

What I Want For My Birthday

My birthday is Wednesday.
This is what I would like to wake up to.
Please see what you all can do.
Thanks in advance.

**Added note: Thanks to all for my happy birthday wishes! And special thanks to those that sent me e-cards, email greetings,and mentioned me on their blogs (especially the ones with the fabulous pictures!). It was all very much appreciated and made turning the big 4-0 a little less freaky. I love you guys!

Still waiting on Viggo.......

What A Man!

Food Network

I got tagged by Sunshine for a cooking meme. Even though I'm a little memed out, I wanted to do this one since I am a former chef. She has turned me onto cooking blogs now, and I am so grateful that I will soon be working full time as I would never ever ever get off the computer with this new discovery. So here is the meme. I am not tagging anyone. But feel free to add any funny cooking/food stories in the comment section.

What is your first memory of baking/cooking on your own? I used to bake little cakes in my Easy Bake oven for my brothers and their stoned friends. Everyone would sit at my ladybug table and chairs in my little kitchen down in the basement. (I know I know, I've mentioned this before, but not everyone has read that post) Later, I had one of those cookie shooter gadgets. They were way cool. I remember helping my dad bake bread, and learning how to tell when to punch down the dough. Everyone in my family can cook, so just about all of my memories are food related. I still have my first cookbook too - The Pooh Cookbook - and I still make the PoohanPiglet Pancakes.

Do you have an old photo as “evidence” of an early exposure to the culinary world and would you like to share it? No, but here is my last-day-of-culinary-school picture. I'm down in the front - right in the middle - being squished by a boy. Where else would I be?

Mageiricophobia – do you suffer from any cooking phobia, a dish that makes your palms sweat? I once had to cut up two dozen beef tongues for a catering job. I don't remember what the recipe was - some sort of anti-animal jambalaya. I was a vegetarian for 10 years after that. To this day the memory of it makes me gag. I would probably break into a sweat if I had to do that again.


What would be your most valued or used kitchen gadgets and/or what was the biggest letdown? I'm not so into gadgets anymore. The most disappointing was probably the vege/fruit juicer - they sound like a good idea, but they are really not worth the trouble. I have all the usual - food processor, coffee bean grinder, hand held cheese grater, etc. I do love my KitchenAid Mixer. It's so very pretty. I long for a Francis Francis cappuccino maker - but since they are approximately the cost of a month's rent - that isn't happening anytime soon.

Name some funny or weird food combinations/dishes you really like – and probably no one else! I love mixing things up! I'm into mixing my condiments. I like mayo on everything - and often I'll add hot sauce to the mayo too - that is fabulous. I also like to mix salad dressings together. Honey on ricotta cheese. Pretzels and cream cheese. I used to go to this local place back home and order clams casino and pizza. Then I would dump the clams casino right on the pizza - to the horror of all my friends. Now it's on the menu.

What are the three eatables or dishes you simply don’t want to live without?
Pasta. Even though I constantly try to give it up for carbs. A world without pasta is a world without sunshine.
Pecorino Romano Cheese - for the pasta of course.
Popcorn - I put Pecorino on popcorn too. Don't knock it til you try it.

Any question you missed in this meme, that you would have loved to answer? A lot of people have said which celebrity chef they would most like to work with - and though I have found that most celebrity chefs are jackasses in general - I wouldn't mind working with Tyler Florence. If he's a jackass who cares - he's hot.

Three quickies:
Your favorite ice-cream: Hazelnut gelato
You will probably never eat: Haggis or puffer fish
Your own signature dish: Soup (signature dessert: sticky toffee pudding)

Bon Appetit!

Moving to Entertainment News:

In a surprising turn of events, the role of Angelina Jolie will now be played by up and coming newcomer, Brookelina. Rumors abound regarding Jolie's relinquishment of her coveted position, however calls to Jolie's publicist have not been returned. Brookelina, whose real name is unknown, immediately vacated the role of herself to take on the challenge of becoming the new Angelina.

In a statement released to the press, producers of the Brookelina project swear that due to new technology on the market today, the public will hardly be able to tell the difference between the real Angelina and her replacement. It has been reported that Brookelina has already been fitted with an exact duplicate of Jolie's body and face, including her famous lips. When asked how she felt about taking on this new role, Brookelina's reply was, "Holy shit, look at these tits!!!"

Brookelina's immediate responsibilities will include saving the world from hunger, getting a new tattoo, and banging Brad Pitt until her head explodes.

Auditions will be held immediately to take over Brookelina's previous commitment for this weekend. Responsibilities include the packing of her mother's Boca Raton condo, enduring her mother's never-ending supply of Barbra Streisand CD's, and watching her brothers argue incessantly over who gets the stainless steel cookware. In what can only be described as a bizarre coincidence, all of the understudies previously designated for this position are simultaneously having root canal and are unable to fulfill their contractual responsibilities.

Sources say that Brookelina's lawyers are currently in negotiations to extend her contract to the year 3047.

Maybe I'm a Little Gay

Several years ago I met a new boy, I'll call him P. He was a friend of a friend of a friend; good looking in an offbeat way, funny and smart - we met and hit it off instantly. (I've always had a weakness for a quick wit and a washboard stomach) We became friends, in fact, the group of us morphed into a new little posse. Things started to progress in that easy, natural way into the more-than-just friends realm. We had that "click" moment one evening when the gang was at his house; he pulled me onto his lap and we sat and chatted for hours. Later, my friends told me they had never seen him do that. He told me that he had heard that I had gone out with an ex-boyfriend the night before, and he asked how it went. He seemed more worried than jealous; he may have been wondering if things were over before they had a chance to get started. I told him that it was just an ex, that we were friends now and - he lived 2000 miles away. I told him that he was meeting us all that night, so he could see that we were just friends. P seemed happy about that.

We were all sitting in the pub, drinking and laughing, when my ex walked in. I watched girls around the room snap their necks to get a better look at him, bringing back memories of what it was like when we dated. He had no idea about his beauty - no, that's not right - he did know about his beauty, he just didn't really care. It was a lethal combination. My friends' jaws dropped when he waved to me. P leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Please tell me that's not him." My ex picked me up and hugged me, and then I introduced them.

They hit it off, in fact, everyone liked him. Of course they did, he's gorgeous, everyone likes gorgeous. But to be fair, he's also a great guy. When the the ex was at the bar buying drinks, P said, "Hey, I like him, he's a great guy." (See?) He gave me a funny look and then said, "Are you sure there is nothing still between you two?" I assured him there wasn't. He looked over at the ex and then turned to me, "Because that is one good looking guy. Jesus, Brooke, how can you not be sleeping with him? Even I'd do him."

My mouth dropped and we cracked up together, but then I thought I should ask, Ummmm...is there something I should know about you? P laughed, "No, but if I was going to be gay, it would be him."

I never thought I'd hear a hetero man admit something like that. (and so you know, my ex and P did NOT run off together) They love the idea of the girl-on-girl - I can hear erections popping from here at the thought - but the idea of guy-on-guy? Most heteros won't even acknowledge it exists let alone imagine themselves doing it. Most women don't really care about the idea of two women either way, but there are some who actually get turned by the idea of two men. Hell, the girls in Sex and the City would make a night of watching gay porn. It's not something I've ever watched...but I'm not saying the idea of two men isn't a little hot.

I have so many gay friends, both male and female, that people can't decide if I'm a fag hag or a lipstick lesbian. I'm definitely not a fag hag. I love gay men, but I don't fall in love with them and I don't spend every weekend at the local gay bars (of which there are many.) And I'm so not a lesbian. I am pretty much like most women - I can appreciate a woman's beauty - but I'm not sexually attracted to it. There are some women I find extremely beautiful, so beautiful that I take pleasure in looking at them (not that kind of pleasure...get your mind out of the gay gutter), but I never thought I would utter the words that P did about the ex, "If I was going to be gay, it would be her".

And then I turn on James today, and he is interviewing Angelina Jolie. I mean seriously, the woman is insanely beautiful. Even her name is hot - with all the zhzhhzhzhzhzhzhz sounds rolling off your tongue. James could barely keep from drooling. I sat there watching, and I realized I was actually wondering what her boobs looked like. What is up with that? How gay is that??? This isn't good. I don't know if my mother can handle her only daughter jumping the fence. OY!

I immediately called one of my gays.
Help!!! I'm gay!!!! I want Angelina Jolie!!!!
He laughed, "Brooke, everyone wants Angelina, even I want Angelina."
Really?? So I'm not gay then??
"OK, Brad and Angelina are in your living room. Now...... which one do you drag off into the bedroom?"
In my version, Brad is already naked.
"See?"

Oh thank God, I'm still on the right side of the fence. I still like boys. Pretty boys, but boys nonetheless. I remember P's words.

So, if you were going to be straight, you'd be straight with Angelina?
"I'm not going straight, but I'd rather be straight for Angelina than gay with, say........Dick Cheney. So, I guess I'm a little straight."

His words stopped me in my tracks.

Well..... I'd rather be gay with Angelina than straight for Dick Cheney. So I guess I'm a little gay."

And I'm okay with that.

The Bernard Pivot Questionnaire

I just love Inside the Actors Studio. I know James Lipton can be a pain in the ass, and that Will Ferrell is more entertaining as James Lipton than James Lipton. But I still like the show. I like that the actors actually talk about acting and the movie making process and not about which designer they are wearing or which movie star they are doing. Each interview ends with the world famous Bernard Pivot Questionaire. Nobody has a clue who Bernard Pivot is, and nobody really cares - except for James - and probably Bernard's mother.

I've imagined myself as the world famous movie star/rock star/screenwriter/director up on stage in my perfect outfit and my perfect make-up and my perfect hair, the young eager students watching me with adoring eyes and breathless anticipation, Brad Pitt waiting in the wings to whisk me off to...but I digress. Since it seems apparent that James is never going to ask me these questions, I am taking this opportunity to have my moment in the spotlight.

What is your favourite word?
Doilie

What is your least favorite word?
Mucus

What turns you on?
6-pack abs and a bottle of baby oil

What turns you off?
Stinky feet

What is your favorite curse word?
Fuckwit

What sound or noise do you love?
The ocean - no wait - thunderstorms ....ok it's a tie

What sound or noise do you hate?
Whining

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Brad Pitt's personal sex slave

What profession would you not like to do?
Andy Dick's personal sex slave

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Ok everyone, Brooke is here so I can finally take my long overdue vacation. She's in charge, so whatever she says - goes.

Then I answer the students' questions about my fabulous career, and sneak out the back door to catch my ride.....