Saturday, March 31, 2007

Flashback Songs

Those songs that you hear that instantly throw you back to another time and place in your life.

Christmas 1989. Europe backpacking tour. Paris hostel. Hammering down the drinks with an assortment of beautiful Aussies, Poms, Canucks, and Scots. Some form of European MTV on in the background. Suddenly every one of them (re: guys) stops to stare at the screen. A incredibly beautiful woman is singing an incredibly beautiful song that I have never heard. Even I stop dead in my tracks. Who is this band? Why don't I know them?

"Texas," one of the Aussies groaned, "and that is Sharleen Spiteri. And she's got it ALL !" Indeed.

For the rest of our time in Paris, "She's got it ALL!" was one of our (many) catch phrases. I still say it now, but of course nobody knows what I am talking about.

Enjoy. Cause seriously, she's got it ALL!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Top 5 (Current) Reasons that Florida Sucks Ass

How Angry is Your City?
According to this article in Men's Health, four of the top ten 'angriest cities' in America are in the Sunshine State.

Pembroke Pines, Florida, has the most dangerous intersection in the United States
Because nobody in this friggin' state can drive. No wonder everyone is so angry.

Broward judge in Anna Nicole Smith case accused of smoking pot in Hollywood park
"They said they smelled a very strong odor of what they found to be marijuana," Rode said. "They followed the smell to a gentleman sitting under a tree. He was actively smoking the marijuana cigarette as they approached him."

How proud we are of our judicial system. Way to set an example dude.

Education commissioner: State school enrollment down 3,500
It's a matter of fewer children than expected entering school and more leaving, mainly going out of state and a lesser extent to private schools, DuBard said.
She said researchers, though, don't know why students are leaving Florida.

You don't? Then you're dumber than a bag of hammers. Let me fill you in. Nobody can afford to live down here on your crappy Sunshine dollars
anymore. And since all the land developers made a killing by razing the low-income homes that were destroyed in the hurricanes and building million dollar condos - these families had to move to other states to find affordable housing and competitive wages. And there go all your students. Buh-bye.

Budget crunch, new requirements could mean misery for Florida's teachers
Last year, Broward lost 532 teachers because they could no longer afford to live in South Florida, according to the district's exit interviews. State officials recorded a similar pattern: 81 percent of departing teachers surveyed in 2005 said they were leaving because of poor pay and benefits.

Florida's average teacher salary of $41,590 ranks 32nd in the country, and more than $6,000 below the national norm.

"I have great confidence in the teachers in Florida," said Chancellor Cheri Pierson Yecke, who oversees state K-through-12 education policy. "What I've seen are people that embrace reform."

If by reform you mean putting up with shitty pay, constant budget cuts, and outlandish expectations from moronic bureaucrats, then yes - Florida teachers not only embrace reform - they make out with it on a daily basis.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Ask Brookelina

It's official. I am obsessed with the keyword searches that lead to my blog. I find them fascinating - a real insight into the fucked up human condition. It's like communing with the inner freak inside each and every person on the internets - only from a relatively safe distance. I mean really, why are so many people around the world - literally - so rabidly curious about Spartans and their sexually deviant behavior, their homoerotic tendencies, and most of all - their underpants? While at least a dozen others a day are anxious to find out about accidental flashing, bad bad girls, and who Viggo's girlfriend is. Still others just want to know what "Brooke needs" - and I would just like to say thank you to all of them for being so concerned for my needs.

However, lately I'm getting questions. Full-on real questions asking for advice. It started with that poor little 11 year old from this post, but now it's becoming a daily thing. Just how many people out there are turning to Google for advice? Don't these people have friends? Reference books? Therapists? Clearly the answer is no. And so I feel it is my duty* to answer the questions that have led them here to The Babbling Brooke. I should add that I have copied and pasted them exactly - so if there are misspellings or poor grammar - don't blame me. Blame the underfunded education system that brought them to this point.

1. why are the pancakes in the closet
Is this a metaphor for closeted homoerotic behavior? Is the word pancakes a euphemism for something more perverse or even - sinister? Is this an eating disorder issue? Or does this person truly have pancakes in the closet? So many possibilities. It's truly dizzying. I'm going to go with my initial response and say, "Get a maid, you fucking slob."

2. why can't I look like gerard butler
Because all men are not - in fact - created equal.

3. how do you get abs like leonidas
Well the first thing you'll want to do is get off the computer. Next, start doing sit-ups. You can stop some time in October.

4. what does it mean what a girl only calls you by your last mane
I'm concerned about this whole mane thing. Do you have a mane? Is it like a horsey? Or do you just have a long mane of hair, cause most girls like tha....Oh hang on. Name. You meant name. Ok then.
She wants to to date your sister, dude.

Monkey and I both turned up on the first page for this search. I find this odd. Seriously, shouldn't there be more food-related things coming up on this search? But I digress. What is like Calzone? If you are asking about the food, then imagine a rolled-up pizza. If you are asking about the drug-selling, shoe-sniffing, dickless, poor excuse for a dragon - then imagine a drug-selling, shoe-sniffing, dickless, poor excuse for a dragon.

I'm going to have to go with yes on this one. But you could always ask Calzone.

7. where i come from we swim naked and i dont want to embarass nobody
Relax, you won't embarrass anyone. It happens to all men. When the water is cold, the shrinkage is inevitable. No need to worry.

8. does gerard butler have an enormous penis
I can't answer this question for sure. But in the interest of research, I'll do my best to find out for you.
Hey Gerard! Call me. It's important.

9. how to give self wedgies
You might want to ask Calzone about this one too. He does this when he's high on glue.

10.why am i jealous of my boyfriend's celebrity crush
Because he's going to cheat on you.

*The answers to these questions are strictly for entertainment purposes only. The author is not a therapist nor does she claim to be one. If you find that these answers are not helping you with your issues, then seek professional help. If you simply don't like the answers provided, then go fuck yourself.

Thank you.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

And Don't Forget the Cake

I want someone to laugh with me
Someone to be grave with me
Someone to please me and help my discrimination with his or her own remark
And at times, no doubt, to admire my acuteness and penetration

Robert Burns

Monday, March 19, 2007

Brooke TV - March Lineup

This month's list of keyword and phrase searches that landed people here at the Babbling Brooke Network.

Food Network
  • Coffee And Cigarettes Breakfast
  • red rose earl grey
  • help shaping cakes
  • a good weekend plan

The Learning Channel

  • slutty summer clothes
  • speedo
  • uk wollaby
  • moment of apostrophe
  • sweep my house of bad karma
  • teach my ass Brooke
  • "my fairy tale" + gay

Discovery Channel

  • hanky panky tattoo
  • quotes "but enough about you, let's talk about me"
  • sandcastle sucks
  • receding hairline panic middle
  • reasons why living alone sucks


  • lineup penis
  • why do people walk around naked at night with their blinds open?
  • hot juicey stories
  • the Behind brooke Bedroom door Movies

FOX - also known as the network that will put anything on TV if it will make money

  • kinky snowball hetero guy girl
  • sympathy barfer
  • the boob deck
  • slut wife nutsack
  • ive been a bad girl send me to your room
  • to my future husband

The 300/Gerard Butler Channel

  • 300 greece innacuracies
  • sparta 300 boobs
  • gerard butler 300 steroid
  • gerard butler steroids
  • 300 sex movies
  • "300 movie" sex scene
  • sex slave of the spartans
  • sparta underwear
  • 300 movie abs
  • leonidas 300 first movie
  • spartan sex - I'm getting about a dozen hits a day from this one, at least. Yes people, they did have sex back then.
  • 300 this is madness sparta line
  • 300 movie abs fake
  • gerard butler age difference
  • 300 movie review sex
  • i'm sick of gerard butler - I did not say this. It wasn't me. I just want to make that clear. Cause you know, Gerard could be reading this.

There were more, but it's gotten to the point that almost every search on the internet lands here. It's getting a little scary.

Friday, March 16, 2007

I'm Sorry I Couldn't Help You

Recently someone came upon my blog using the following search term:

how to ask someone to a dance if your 11 and the person who you want to dance with is with someone you hate and everyone hates you in school

At first I cracked up. Brilliant, I thought. That's the best search term ever. I have to post this and share the laugh. I even searched high and low for a funny picture of a nerd trying to get a date.

But then I started remembering what it was like to be that age. Kids can be so cruel. One day you have lots of friends, the next they turn on you for someone with a cooler pair of sneakers. I wondered what it would be like to be an 11 year old so desperate for help that I would turn to Google for answers. How sad that my blog came up in the search - I'm sure I was absolutely no help at all.

And so my 11 year old friend, I apologize that my blog couldn't give you the answers you were looking for. But know this, you aren't alone. That feeling that everyone hates you - we all feel that way sometimes - even adults. Just remember to stay true to yourself, to treat people the way you want to be treated - and things will get better.You will find friends who do the same. And soon those haters won't matter to you at all anymore.

I hope you go to the dance. And I hope you get to dance with the one you "hate."

Sunday, March 11, 2007

My First Movie Review - 300

After having just returned from the spectacle that is 300, I feel compelled to write my first movie review. I am still unable to shake the feeling of the sepia-toned world that is Sparta. My apartment looks too colorful, and it seems way too quiet in here. This is definitely a movie that stays with you.

I've been looking forward to this film for a long time. Not because I'm a Frank Miller fan - (though I think I may be one now) and not because of Gerard Butler (who is Oh.My.Fucking.God. gorgeous in this) - but because I long for movies that have their own look, their own feel, their own style. This is a film that has a beautiful story to tell and that tells it beautifully. And believe me when I tell you, it is visually stunning. It's like walking into a painting that has suddenly come to life all around you. There is no other way to describe it.

Yes, it has elements of other movies in it. I admit I was not as emotionally invested in 300 as I was in Gladiator, a movie that still makes me cry every time I watch it. And some of the warriors for the Persians looked remarkably like the Orcs from The Lord of the Rings, not to mention the Gollum like character that betrays the Spartans. But it does have other elements that these movies lack. The incredibly strong female lead in the form of the kick-ass Queen Gorgo, who could easily rule today. The real love story between the King and Queen depicting two people who genuinely respect each other - and have some serious sex as well. The moment where Leonidas looks back at his wife for her approval before shouting the famous, "This is Sparta!" line to the Persian messenger may be my favorite in this whole film. Second only to the scene where Leonidas snacks on an apple while walking through the litter of hundreds of dead Persians. And let's not forget the 300 perfect specimens of man-flesh.

As for the gore and violence that has been noted in virtually every review on the internets - at no time did I feel the need to shield my eyes. And let me tell you, I am a totally pussy when it comes to violence on film. The battle scenes are filmed as if they are perfectly choreographed ballets. The blood spatters are like falling rose petals blowing in the wind - never once staining the ground below them. Even the flying heads are artful - like a Dali painting come to life. And did I mention the 300 men with 6-pack abs - topped off by Leonidas and his 8-pack? If there is anything more beautiful than that, I have yet to see it. It should be noted that I left this film with the need for a cigarette. I am smoking one as I write this. I blame Gerard Butler for making me pick up this filthy habit again.

Go see this movie. Now. Get off your ass and go. Just don't blame me if you start smoking again.


Added note: My recent post about this movie has brought in a whole new category of searches to my blog that I feel compelled to add. I'll call them The Sparta Searches. I'm sure more are on the way after this one. But here is just a sampling of the hits I've gotten so far.

this is sparta
"this is sparta" mom porn
what is sparta
porn sparta
sparta gay
300 sparta are they on steroids?
sparta abs
sparta homoerotic
sexual connotations of the spartan 300
spartan sex slave
abs like a spartan
"300" movie abs
gay porn ancient greece
ancient slave sex
300 sparta underwear

Madness? This is Sparta!

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Under The Milky Way Tonight

1991. Sydney, Australia. Drinking a VB with my best friend just before a night out on the town. It doesn't get any better than that.
Time. Of. My. Life.

**Editor's Note: That's me on the right for those of you who don't know. Is it any surprise that I'm the one with the beer in my hand? I mean come on. And yeah, you can say it. My best friend is way hotter than I am. That's a fact.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

K is for Kinky

Your Girl Parts Are Named:

Breakfast of Champions

Your Boobies' Names Are...

Dessert and Dinner

What Brooke Means

B is for Bubbly

R is for Refreshing

O is for Outrageous

O is for Optimistic

K is for Kinky

E is for Enchanting

I love that not only are my girlie bits named for food - appropriate since I used to be a professional chef - but I once wrote a post called "Breakfast of Champions" as well (see sidebar). Ok fine, it's a Kurt Vonnegut novel, but I still come up on page three of Google searches for that phrase. Suck it Kurt!

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Silly Sunday Meme

Once again I found an irresistible meme on some random blog. However some of the questions were quite boring, so I changed them. You probably won't be able to tell which ones I changed.


1. Were you named after anyone?
Yes. My Uncle Morty.

2. When was the last time you cried? Last night watching Gladiator. Why does he have to die? Why??

3. Why are you so fickle when it comes to men? I am not! Who said that!

4. What is your favorite lunchmeat? Ham twat! Turkey twat! Lunchmeat twat!

5. Do you have kids? I have 20 kids every day. Isn't that enough for you people?

6. If you were another person would you be friends with you? Yes, I’m a delightful person to be around.

7. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Of course not. That would sully my delightfulness.

8. Do you still have your tonsils? I do. I am trying very hard to keep all my innards where they belong.

9. Would you bungee jump? Would I like to jump off the top of a bridge with a rope tied around my ankles? Sure. Afterwards I could roll around on some broken glass and then sit in a tub of vodka.

10. What is your favorite cereal? Captain Crunch! No, Lucky Charms! No, Apple Jacks! Actually, I have Grape Nuts and oatmeal in my cabinet. I hate being a grown up.

11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I have people to do that for me.

12. Do you think you are strong? Yes. Me strong.

13. What is your favorite ice cream? Hazelnut gelato. Preferably from Florence, Italy. So if you want to take me out for ice cream, it's going to cost you a bit more than you expected.

14. What is the first thing you notice about people? Their smile. And their teeth. Then if it's a guy I check the abs. Usually with my hands. I really shouldn't be allowed out without supervision.

15. Red or pink? Depends on what we are talking about. Red can have scary connotations if it's something that is supposed to be pink.

16. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? That I torment my blogfriends with these incessant memes.

17. Who do you miss the most? Her.

18. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? White holey sweatpants and pink Ugg slippers. It's a fashion statement. It says, "It's Sunday and I’m a lazy slob."

19. What was the last thing you ate? Rye toast with slabs of butter. *Note to self: start diet tomorrow.

20. What are you listening to right now? Yellow Ledbetter by Pearl Jam. The most incoherent song ever performed. Fabulouslessness.

21. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Red Rose, of course.

22. Favorite smells? The beach, hot coffee, freesia, citrus, fresh baked bread, him right out of the shower.

23. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? I just got off the phone with my friend who invited me for sushi tonight. How considerate of her to call so I could have a ready answer for this question. I'll have to buy her some shrimp.

24. Hair color? Medium Auburn by L’Oreal.

25. Eye color? Medium Brown by Mom and Dad. (Oh and I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my Dad for not sharing the green-eyed gene with his only daughter - and while we're at it a special shout out to Mom for hogging the blond-haired gene as well)

27. Why aren't you married? Shut up! I'm so sick of people asking me this question. I'll get married when I'm damn good and ready!

28. Favorite food? You don't want to go there. It could take all day.

29. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings. Always always always go for the happy ending.
Interpret that as you will.

30. Last movie you watched? Babel - and if you want to know what i thought of it, look up "suckfest" in the dictionary. Just get Crash if you want to see a good movie about intertwining lives.

31. What did you dream about last night? Something about being a Spartan sex's still all very hazy...

32. What book are you reading? The complete works of Shakespeare.
Seriously, I am. Shut up.

33. Summer or winter? In Florida there is no winter, and I'm sick of it. So I'm going with winter. Yeah, you can remind me of this next year when I'm freezing my ass off in Jersey.

34. Hugs or kisses? I refuse to give up either one.

35. Favorite dessert? Sticky toffee pudding.

36. Do you have any special talents? Oh I do. I do I do.

37. What are they? If I wanted to answer that question, I'd have done so in number 36.

38. What color shirt are you wearing? Pink, to match my slippers. I may be a lazy slob, but that doesn't mean I can't be color coordinated.

39. When are you going to start preparing for your move back home? Shut up.

40. What did you watch on TV last? HGTV.

41. What is your favorite sound? The ocean.

42. Rolling Stones or The Beatles? People are still asking this question? Seriously, get a life.

43. What is the farthest you have been from home? Sydney, Australia. Or Hong Kong. Whichever is farther. Look it up.

44. Most likely to respond to this meme? Nobody.

45. Least likely to respond? Viggo. He's still not taking my calls. I think he's upset about the whole Spartan thing.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Bond...Brooke Bond

As a child, my mother only bought one kind of tea for our house - Red Rose Tea. This was for obvious reasons, for those in the know. It was actually called Brooke Bond Red Rose Tea. Brooke Bond was a company from England, and the name delighted my mother to no end. My paternal grandparents were right off the boat from the motherland, and I still remember my father teaching me the proper way to drink tea. Milk and sugar. Never ever use cream. I still drink it that way. Only with fake sugar now. Sorry dad.

I remember my mother trying to get me to pose with a rose between my teeth so she could send the photo to the makers of Red Rose Tea. She was convinced they'd want me to be their spokesmodel. At that point in my life, I was what you might call "awkward." I wore extraordinarily powerful glasses, I had a space between my front teeth you could drive a lorry through, and with my short hair and lack of general femininity - I was quite often mistaken for an unfortunate looking boy. It is highly unlikely that the makers of Red Rose Tea would have been interested.

I bring all this up because I recently found a link to my blog that has me listed as "Brooke...Bond?" Seeing that made bells go off in my mind. Not the ones I usually hear. These were different. It reminded me of my childhood, of my love for all things British - especially my lust for British secret agents. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I had a sudden urge to drink tea and drive on the wrong side of the road.

In my last post, Leezer asked me what genre of film I would be making when I became the newest tabloid darling. I responded that I would be starting a new genre - Soft Core/Action. I now have my character. By day I will be Red Rose - tea-swilling, Spotted Dick eating, lady of leisure. By night, Brooke Bond, international slutty superspy. It's going to be so great. Nobody's ever done anything like this before.