Thursday, June 09, 2005

If I Were in Charge of the World: Part One

If I were in charge of the world, weight gain would no longer be determined by how much you ate. Yes, you read that right. Food - and drink of course - would be for nutrition and enjoyment, but would have absolutely no effect on what you weigh. Now don't get me wrong, copious consumption of alcohol will still have the power to turn you into a legless sot in the evening and a human vomit machine in the morning, so no need to fret about missing out on these necessary rites of passage. And if you want to go the Super Size Me route for the rest of your life, don't forget to leave room for the Krispy Kremes.

But this does not mean the end of obesity. Oh no, no, no. I do, after all, have a depraved and shameless sense of humor. There will be fat people, in fact there will be hordes of corpulent butterballs everywhere you look. But these people will not be overeaters.

They will be assholes.

You see, in my world, being an asshole would make you fat. Weight gain would directly correlate with ignorance, bigotry, homophobia, rudeness, intolerance, racism, vindictiveness, chauvinism, narrow and/or small mindedness - there are a lot more adjectives I could add here, but I think you get the general idea. Even just general boorish behavior will pack on the poundage. Oh, and this will also include hate-mongers disguised as the religious right, liars, and people who talk incessantly on their cell phones when driving. Yes, I'm afraid my plan will not wipe out obesity and the many problems related to it, but it will direct it to the proper recipients.

And this way, you will always be able to see the assholes coming.

20 comments:

Shan'Chelle said...

I love it! There would be nowhere for the hypocrites to hide!

Brookelina said...

Thank you! And I voted for your photo...gave it a ten of course!

Jeff F. Haines said...

You are an excellent writer. Something rarely found on a blog.

And I agree with you. I'm now going to read more of your blog to see just how much.

Brian said...

Brooke For President!!!

yournamehere said...

I love this. We hate the same things. I've written of my disdain for cell phone drivers on my blog. I'm a regular reader now.

Amber said...

If I were to change the world, there'd be no ignorant Republicans

Anonymous said...

Wonderful! Great writing! Great stories! Oh, and I had a great time at lunch. Being that I am in the situation with bloggers that I'm in right now, I'll just be "anonymous", but you know who I am.

LeMorse said...

This is just plain amazing! Now I feel really honored you said you liked my little blog. (:{=

Anonymous said...

How can it be so late and I'm still reading : )

Brooke, you're turning me into an addict!

Anonymous said...

I agree.....not that I have anything else to do during my paid 9-5 adventure than to IM you. But now I am reading yours and everyone else's blog...could this be a new addicition!!!!
Help!!
smiles, me

Brookelina said...

Wow..what nice comments to wake up to! I recognize at least two of the anonymous ones as friends...one is Bert and one is ...hmmm....I'll call him Mr. X...hehehe. Thanks all!

Brookelina said...

and brian, I prefer benevelont world ruler to president...president has such a political ring to it....

Major7 said...

Mr. X can come out of the closet as major 7 if he could figure out to make his blog work.

Brookelina said...

It takes time and patience...and a little bit of HTML knowledge is handy as well. I knew you would be here soon!

Merovingienne said...

Please take over the world. Please?

Major7 said...

I hope that everyone is jealous... Brooke was my first.

Loz said...

interesting - obesity as punishment. some might say that's already the case. i figure i'm being punished for being to weak to make things change.
very nicely written, fun to read :D

MoDigli said...

I love it! What a great idea! They would actually kill themselves off with diabetes and heart disease by being assholes! What a perfect plan.

Brookelina said...

Wait til you see part two!

Kid Sis said...

Where can I vote for this????? Please God, listen to Brooke!!