Monday, November 07, 2005

Hot Blooded and Boiling Mad

So I'm driving home after a very long day at school. I'm tired from a bad night's sleep and not quite back to my normal routine yet after the Wilma madness. The day was rough, the kids catatonic one minute and hyperactive the next. One student withdrew and came to say goodbye - setting off tears and sadness (from my students as well as me). The air conditioning wasn't working quite right, so I found myself becoming more and more "fragrant" as the day wore on. I'm hot, I'm sticky, I'm cranky. And I feel the migraine cometh.

After fighting through traffic and numerous traffic lights being out, (took me 40 minutes to go five miles), I am finally on my street and I can practically see my building up ahead. My street is very thin, and people tend to drive down it like it's the Grand Prix. Add to that it ends on the intracoastal, so half of the race car drivers are towing their giant gas guzzling speedboats behind them in their mad dash to get on the water. I'm comfortably driving along when I notice that the UPS truck on the opposite side of the road has stopped to make a delivery. I'm about 50 feet from it when the driver of the pick-up truck behind it decides to pull into my lane of traffic - completely cutting me off - and leaving me with three choices: speed up and slam into him and sue him for millions, veer into the side of the road and hope that nobody from that parking lot pulls out and slams into me, or slam on my brakes and let him pass. I opted for number three. As he drove by me - in my lane - he gave me a look like I was the one that was crazy - never once putting his cell phone down. I responded the way anybody else on the planet would have done. I flipped him the bird and called him an asshole (windows closed).

I proceeded down my street, and as I'm turning into my parking lot, I see that my cell phone buddy has turned around and is now following me back to my building. I am now out of my car and walking around to get my things out of the passenger side. I don't know why I wasn't afraid - must be the Jersey in me. He gets out of his truck and walks towards me, asking me if I live in this building. I told him yes as I reached for my pepper spray. And then I notice his dorky outfit. Blue shorts, white shirt, sunglasses....super short hair...writing on the shirt....hmmm...what's that say..

...Fort Lauderdale Marine Police.

I flipped off a cop.

Crap.

He proceeds to ask me for my license and registration, and we get into a vehement argument about this. Before I go on, let me make something clear. I have nothing but respect for cops. I am always outrageously polite to them, and I have never in my life talked back to one before. But I did nothing wrong! Yes, I flipped him off, but that is not illegal and he was driving his own car - not a police car. He is the one that pulled into oncoming traffic instead of yielding - while talking on his cell phone - oh that pisses me off more than just about anything else. He tells me that it is not illegal to drive with a cell phone (well it should be!) and he can ask anyone for their license that he wants. He then says that if I don't show it to him we are going to have a problem. I honestly thought the top of my head was going to explode off. I showed him my license, all the while seething and glaring and snarling like a wild boar. And then of course, one of his buddies pulls up. I looked at him with a sugary smile and said "Need help?" He quickly waved him off.

We then argued for the next ten minutes. Him telling me that I have to be more careful, that there are crazies out there and that people have been killed for random stupid things like this. (ok ok, he has a point there) He said that is the only reason he turned around, so he could warn me to be more careful. Oh yeah? Then why do you need my license? I continued my argument that no matter what I had done, he was still the one in the wrong. He was on the wrong side of the road, and if we had been in an accident, there wasn't a cop or insurance company who would side with him.

We bickered back and forth for a bit longer, until we were both tired and actually starting to laugh. I apologized for the manual fuck you, and he of course would not admit to doing anything wrong. His repeated excuse, "I saw a pretty girl driving, I assumed she would move over, there was plenty of room." I told him to never assume anything about a girl he doesn't know.

And then we had one of those awkward moments. Do we just say good bye and let that be that? Or do we admit that we are now actually checking each other out? Cause when my breathing went back to normal and my blood stopped boiling, I suddenly realized that this guy was hot. And the fact that he pissed me off so much was ...well...kind of hot too.

But - nothing happened. We said goodbye. I walked away thinking that this would have been a great story to tell our grandkids. He said something about this being an interesting way to meet. As I entered the building, I turned and saw that he was just standing by his truck, watching the door shut behind me.

83 comments:

Melliferous Pants said...

Jesus Christ, Brooke! You had me on the edge of my crappy office chair with that one. I'm still not convinced he isn't just a creepy cop who lacks self esteem so he throws his nuts around to make him feel better...but I'm glad you're okay.

kate said...

Honestly, one day you should compile these posts- it would make for a great movie!

Calzone said...

Cool story.

I used to direct a prison law project protecting the civil rights of prisoners. I used to LOVE getting in fights with Prison officials and correctional officers that mistreated prisoners. Just letting my rage get all righteous, letting it wash over me.

I never wanted to screw any of them though.

Übermilf said...

I suspect that isn't Calzone speaking, but the man who sticks his hand up his ass. Sticks his hand up Calzone's ass. Never mind.

I wonder if there will be a sequel to this story... he knows where you live. He knows how to get you hot and bothered. Hmmm? Do I hear chirping birds?

Brookelina said...

Pants - I'm not completely convinced either. And I'm still so mad I could spit.

Kate - did you go back to my previous posts and read about the homicidal hooker?

Calzone - there are few things better than righteous indignation! Except for righteous sex.

Ubie - love that hand up the ass imagery, thanks. As for chirping birds, naaaa. He pissed me off too much, and I will not be swayed by a pretty face! Not again!

The real me said...

OH BROOKE!

I just want to call you on the phone and giggle about this like 2 school girls. Impossible of course because I don't have your phone number, but OMFG!!

That is one cool story.
And you know, if he was checking you out, he'll be calling in a few days.

You know what they say... when you get THAT passionately angry at someone... well, you're a smart girl, fill in the blanks.

darth said...

holy crap brooke! be careful out there!

MoDigli said...

This is definitely the beginning of a romantic comedy! If something doesn't happen with you and this cop, then you, or KidSis, or Neil better write a screenplay for a movie where it does happen!

Evil Petting Zoo said...

Please tell me you at least got his name if he was hot. That was a funny story. I almost snorted my Tampico Juice.

The Dummy said...

Oh he's onto you! No wonder he asked for your license! That's a great story - but it'd be even better if something came of it! C'mon Mr. Cop - have some balls and ask Brooke out! She doesn't just let *anybody* take her out!

Melliferous Pants said...

Neil is going to be very jealous.

Neil said...

Damn right I'm jealous, but I also want Brooke to be happy, so I'm gonna scold her for not getting his name and badge number. First of all, you should have gotten it in case you wanted to fight the ticket. Second, you might want to call him for some other reason.

That story was so leading up to a date. What a bummer ending. So, what would you do if he called? He totally had the hots for you if he followed you back!

And can I also scold you for giving the finger to strange men while you're driving. Are you crazy? People get shot over that here in LA.

But I got to admit, you doing that to him really turned me on. You're like a wild stallion that needs taming, aren't you?

Marel Lecone said...

This guy could definitely be the one! Doesn't admit when he's wrong . . . he's perfect! :) Really a great story to tell the grandkids.

Ms Meh said...

Okay, so now he knows your name and where you live. Let us know when the roses arrive ;)

Found your blog from... Amy, maybe? I think? :) Anyway, love it. Save that Florida welcome mat - I'll be a "born again Floridian" in one month!

Calzone said...

yeah so now he knows your name and where you live. Let us know when you have to move in the middle of the night.

gone said...

You are a strong willed stubbern woman, Brooke.

I love it!

gone said...

What I find absolutely amazing is that this happened a couple days after your previous post.
Your horoscope. That's crazy!

thephoenixnyc said...

Great story. Of course had you been male...

Egan said...

Wicked good story Brooke. Maybe showing The Bird is a good way to meet your future husband. If you get a date out of this guy I would be amazed. I think this guy's ego would take a huge hit if he asked you out.

gone said...

Yeah, file a complaint and start an internal affairs investigation. He'll be running into your arms in no time.

JJ said...

This actually happened to my sister and the cop showed up at her door at midnight wanting to "apologize". Creep.

Nick said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Cactus Prick said...

You should never give your i.d. to an off duty cop. Tell him to contact your attorney Mr. Prick, Esq. And for what it's worth, I dislike and disparage the police enough for the both of us, so you're okay.

Of course, he probably has handcuffs ;-)

Brookelina said...

TRM - I had just gotten off the phone with a friend when I read your comment. She had to hang up because she was afraid she was going to wet herself.

Darth - yes dad.

MoMo - I love the idea of writing a better ending for this story!

PEZ - I was too pissed to think of asking for his name. Now I'm pissed about that too.

DD - I imagine if we went out we would spend the evening arguing over the whole thing all over again.

MP - rut roh.

Neil - stallions are boys!

Marel - I know! I haven't fought that much with a guy since my last great love.

Loz - it should be illegal here too dammit! The main reason I flipped him the bird was because of the cell phone.

Ms Meh - don't do it!!! Don't move to Hurricane Hell! Save yourself! So what part are you moving to?

Brookelina said...

Cal - my thoughts exactly. Do me a favor and rent me a U-Haul.

Sarah - I know! How bizarre. And yes, I'm a stubborn bitch. My brothers have always said that I am the most stubborn person on the planet.

Phoenix - no kidding!

Egan - I seriously doubt he'll ask me out. I'm sure he drove away thinking "what a bitch!"

JJ - ewwwwwww. Good thing I live in a secure building.

Nick - huh? Details please.

Prick - I was driving home today and suddenly realized that! He was off duty! Bastard!!! You are now my lawyer. Get licensed in Florida. And New Jersey.

ginonymous said...

oh brooke. two things.

can i just go ahead and apologize on behalf of The Company? i'll send you some UPS swag. the oven mitts are actually pretty good quality.

and then, i'm tired, but i'm thinking to myself as i'm reading the end of the story, "..all pain in the ass, and yet, no ass.."

my condolences. glad you're alright.

Übermilf said...

'Cause I'm...
Hot Blooded! Check it and see...
Got a fever of a 103
Come on, baby,
do you do more than dance
I'm hot blooded
Hot Blooded!
Woooo!

Egan said...

Milf - you didn't just quote a Loverboy song did you? Shit, I'm going to have that stuck in my head all day.

WhiteBoyBob said...

It was probably a rental costume and he's been stalking you.

A ex-friend of mine years ago joined the police and after he'd finished training he pulled over loads of people just because they slightly annoyed him. I Wonder how long this guy had been on the force?

Seriously though that was a great post.

Brookelina said...

AA - I love oven mitts. They will go great with my "Kiss the Cook" apron. "..all pain in the ass, and yet, no ass.." Brilliant! The whole situation in a nutshell!

Ubie - I just knew you'd sing for me.

Egan - that's Foreigner dammit! Get your bad 80's bands in order!

Bob - I didn't even think of that! Probably a rookie who didn't expect a loudmouthed Jersey girl to turn around and attack. Foolish little boy.

yournamehere said...

I was going to tour the country dressed as a cop, just so I could pull over and "frisk" my favorite female bloggers. But not after this story. Way to take a big steaming shit on my dreams, Brooke.

Jill said...

Wow, and I thought random crazy stuff only happened to me.

Lo Lo Lova said...

I am so disappointed with the ending! I totally pictured you guys making out and ripping each other's clothes off as the rain poured down on top of your hot, thriving bodies... I guess I've been watching too much GH :)

Amanda said...

great story. what i would be thinking now is "he knows where i live, maybe he will send me flowers or a cookie bouquet" (haha)

it must be the jersey in you. i also have no fear and often don't abide by basic rules of person safety. i am from northern jersey, though. :)

Calzone said...

How's your "job"?? Loser.

Brookelina said...

Todd - it's always about you. YOU YOU YOU.

Jill - nope, read some of my archives and you'll see this sort of thing happens to me all the time.

LoLo - if he had looked like Jason Norgan, that would have happened, whether he wanted it to or not.

Amanda - Welcome! No flowers or anything else. But I admit that I take my hair down when I drive down my street now.

Brookelina said...

Hey Calzone - I'm glad you stopped by. I've been meaning to ask you something.

Where's your penis?

Loser.

Calzone said...

Baby You would know where my penis was if I took it and placed it between your breasts...oh..wait..forget it.

Brookelina said...

Dickless blog squater.

Calzone said...

titless blog prattler.

Brookelina said...

Kiss me you fool!

Calzone said...

I'm mad for you

Brookelina said...

You hot scaly beast you!

Calzone said...

I want to lick your body all over, from your mishaped feet to your fingerless hands. I want to kiss you where your shoulders meet your chin and shake your nipples around.

Brookelina said...

Holy crap! What happened to my fingers???

Calzone said...

Its just me and you in here now baby. No one else to know what our dreams and desires are.

I can't think of a fucking thing to say. You been checking out Americas top model?

Brookelina said...

Oooooh....I'm like your dirty little secret.

No, I don't watch that crap. And don't tell me that you do or I'll tell the woman you live with that you do.

Calzone said...

No that was just my attempt at small talk.

Baby you've been my dirty little secret ever since I met you.

Brookelina said...

Oh you say that to all your dirty little secrets!

I just took a bath. I smell like papaya.

Calzone said...

I just stole some shoes, I had to run. I smell like dried semen, sweat and Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Brookelina said...

dNow I smell like papaya but my breath smells like vomit.

Calzone said...

Oh yeah I forgot about that, me too. I always puke when I run. So you gonna drink like 4 bottles of wine and leave your door unlocked for me?

Brookelina said...

I think you are making these offers to all of the women of blogdom. I will not have sloppy seconds. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Calzone said...

This may be true, but I actually like you, which confuses me greatly.

God I hope Nick doesn't see this

Brookelina said...

He would be insanely jealous. He wants you for himself ya know.

Calzone said...

What about if all three of us hung out? You and I could lounge around in bed making love and feeding each other grapes, playing like a couple of dolphins. When we couldn't stand another orgasm we could call Nick in and have him stand at the foot of the bed naked while we throw shit at his face.

Brookelina said...

Oooooh...we could make him strip down and bend over and then we could throw baloney at his ass like they do on Howard Stern!

Calzone said...

dude...yes!! Then he'll be all like "hey can i get in bed with you guys"? And we will be like "only after you finish your chores" and we can like make love like crazed weasels while he vacuums and shit.

Set it up with Nick will you? I;m into it.

Brookelina said...

This has gone in a very disturbing direction.

Calzone said...

What would you rather do it with Whitey boy bob?? I'm cool, just set it up

Brookelina said...

I'll sleep on it. I will now go to bed imagining your dickless body and your foul stench. Sweet dreams.

Calzone said...

You are very patient with me. talk to you later.

Brookelina said...

Oh my God....Johnny Damned???? Really????

Calzone said...

That guy is so fucking lame.

Brookelina said...

And he has no penis.

Calzone said...

He has wicked game though, he doesn't even need one.

Calzone said...

so..are you drunk?

Brookelina said...

This must be the clubhouse.

Pervert.

Calzone said...

Hey...you are the one pursuing me here. I'm just a simple dragon.

Brookelina said...

Oh please, you've left your scales behind at half the clubhouses in blogland.

Calzone said...

But you are different. You seem..I don't know..gullible. And you are incredibly beutiful depsite your lack of a neck, the fact that one eye is much bigger than the other, and that you can't hold a knife and fork.

Brookelina said...

I love it when you get mushy. You completely lose your ability to spell. It's so hot.

Silverware is overrated. And so is having a neck.

Calzone said...

In reality I spell quite well. it's you I hate to say, that is drunk off your ass.

Brookelina said...

I am not drunk. Am I? What did I have to drink today? Did you slip something in my Parmalat?

Calzone said...

I have to hit the sack. I mean my sack , I'm not talking about going to bed.

I expect to see a photo of you in Micky mouse ears soon.

you are very patient with me.

Brookelina said...

I am patient with you because you entertain me. Go hit the sack.

But be gentle.

Calzone said...

you entertain me too. man..Nick can not find out about this.

Shawn said...

I was going to comment, but now I feel a little dirty...I swear the video wasn't on...

Brookelina said...

I know Shawn, it's all very tawdry and pathetic.

Calzone said...

Is Shawn going to be our third?

Brookelina said...

Shouldn't you be writing a new post? I mean really, you are so single minded.

Calzone said...

I can't stop thinking about you.

Calzone said...

I'm self employed and I work from home so I post and comment when I'm bored or slacking, don't do it so much when I'm busy. I've been busy the last few days. kind of

I feel violated by that Shawn guy. It feels like he was sitting at the foot of our bed eating a cheeseburger while he watched me make love to you while I had you tied up or something.

I'm hitting your archives.