Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Must Do TV

Lately I have been watching entirely too much television. While I am not a couch potato, I seem to have found myself in the distressing position of having at least one show that I want to watch *each night of the week. Now it's true that I am into most of these shows because their storyline has me riveted. But if I am going to be completely honest here - and I am all about the honesty - my reasons for watching these shows is as shallow as a kiddie pool. Let's be real. I watch for the men. Some of these men are spectacularly hot. Are any - or all - of these men the type of guy I want to end up with? Don't be ridiculous. This is just my fantasy to-do list. Shut up, we all have one.

*Note - Saturday is not included. I do actually try to get out at least one night a week, contrary to popular belief.

Dr. McDreamy - Grey's Anatomy
Pros - brain surgeon, cool under pressure, sexy as hell
Cons - married, already entangled in a complicated love triangle, lives in a trailer
Upshot - too much baggage
Runner up - Mike, Desperate Housewives

Michael Scofield - Prison Break
Pros - those lips, those eyes, that tattoo.....oh my
Cons - yes, he is one for another 5 years
Upshot - call me for a weekend of debauchery when you jump the fence
Runner up - Jack Bauer, 24

Luke Danes - Gilmore Girls
Pros - stable, drives a truck, wears a backwards baseball cap
Cons - engaged, not sure if he knows what a book is
Upshot - could be a contender if he dumps the broad
Runner up - Simon, American Idol (shut up, he's funny as hell)

Sawyer - Lost
Pros - southern drawl, dimples to die for, smokin' hot
Cons - geographically undesirable, possible sociopath
Upshot - one night in his tent ought to cure me of this one...ok maybe two
Runner up - Jack, Lost

Luca Kovac - ER
Pros - handsome, kind, dependable
Cons - seems to only be attracted to hospital personnel or hookers
Upshot - make him my doctor and fantasize during my examinations
Runner up - Ryan, The OC

Danny McCoy - Las Vegas
Pros - gorgeous, funny, six pack abs
Cons - yeah right, you find one
Upshot - anywhere, anytime
Runner up - if I can't have him, nobody can. I mean, I don't want anybody else.

Desperately Missing Monkey

"I am a Monkey." - from Monkey's Deep Thoughts

It's Monkey Day! You are looking at a photo of my all-time favorite blogger and hapless plush toy, Monkey. This post is devoted to him, his blog, and his enormous hoo hah (more on that later). Monkey has been on haitus as of late, and those of us that know and love him, and his warm and wonderful human, are heartbroken.

I first met Monkey back in the fall. I saw his hilariously polite comments on many blogs that I frequent, and I was intrigued, if not a little attracted. He is a devilishly handsome little beast, as I'm sure you can see. Is it any wonder that I soon found myself on his blog, gobbling up every carefully crafted word, hoping against hope that this little simian would take notice of me?

His human helps him with his writings, as like me, he is fingerless. I knew right then that we had a certain kindship. I found myself reading each and every one of his posts. At first his writings made me chuckle. Then they made me giggle. And finally, they made me laugh out loud. I was hooked. I was a Monkey Groupie. Yes, it's true!


And then, the incredible happened. Monkey mentioned me in one of his posts! His concern for me during my "tango with Wilma" was both touching and sincere. And this wasn't the only time, because we became friends - and Monkey always mentioned his friends in his posts! But wait, there's more! He then made a video for me! Monkey, who is well known for his esoteric filmmaking and velvety speaking voice, read the post that made me laugh out loud more than any other post in the whole wide blogworld - and introduced us all to his enormous hoo hah. We loved him all the more for it.

During this time, I came to know Monkey's Human, truly one of the sweetest and funniest humans this side of Sydney. We found that we had much in common - including a healthy enjoyment of red wine, prolonged stays in Australia in the 90's - and an eternal love for that country and the boys that live there. We had great fun running around the blogworld together and leaving inane and insane comments on each other's and our friends' blogs. We made up ridiculous nicknames for each other. We repeatedly cracked each other up to the point of convulsions. Oh I miss you so, Turkey Twat. I do, I do!

I truly hope that Monkey and his Human come back to the blogging world. You are both sadly missed and greatly loved. Readers, if you have not been to Monkey's blog, you are missing out on something special. Click any link above and enjoy his wonderfully wordy witticisms. Watch his fabulously funny films. Comment on his most recent post and let him and his Human know that the blogworld needs them back. And don't be afraid of the flying feces - it's only poo after all.

In the immortal words of Monkey - Thank you. Please send bananas.

If you would like to read more marvelous Monkey memories, head over to Jiggsblog where there are links to other Monkey friends. Thank you Jiggs, for coming up with this incredible idea. I am just full of alliteration today! Full I tell you!

Monday, March 27, 2006

What Do You Make?

This is in response to Neil's most recent post on the famous Citizen of the Month bolo. Yes, I said bolo. You can ask Neil about that when you go to his place to give him a good smackdown. Neil is quite the comedian and gifted writer, so I am going to forgive his abuse of teachers as I know he is only looking to entertain his many readers. However, I am still not going to sleep with him, even though I did miss his birthday. Let that be a lesson to you, Neil.

I received this in an email not long ago. I was hoping for a good time to post it. So thank you for that, Neilochka!.


The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"

He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers -
"Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach."

To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a teacher, Susan. Be honest. What do you make?"

Susan, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, "You want to know what I make? I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall in absolute silence. I make a C+ feel like the winner of the Congressional Medal of Honor."

"You want to know what I make? I make kids wonder. I make them question. I make them criticize. I make them apologize and mean it. I make them write. I make them read, read, read. I make them show all their work in math and perfect their final drafts in English. I make them understand that if you have the brains, and follow your heart, and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you must pay no attention because they just didn't learn."

Susan paused and then continued. "You want to know what I make? 'I MAKE A DIFFERENCE.' What do you make?"

Teachers make every other profession possible.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

The Scorpion and The Frog

A frog and a scorpion met on the bank of a stream. The scorpion asked the frog to take him across on his back. The frog, being good natured but well acquainted with the hazards of scorpions, felt compelled to refuse.

"I would like to help, but I know what you are. You are a scorpion, and if I let you on my back you will sting me and I will die."

The scorpion pleaded with the frog, using a mix of logic and emotion. "I really have to get across, and if I were to sting you, we would both drown. You have nothing to fear and you would be doing a good deed."

The frog gave in and the scorpion climbed upon his slippery green back. The frog leaped into the water and began swimming. Just as they were about halfway across the stream, the scorpion raised his tail and stung the frog on the back.

"Why did you do that?" the frog asked as they both started to slip beneath the water. "You will die too!"

The scorpion replied, "I am a scorpion. It is my nature."

For Jane

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

April Horoscope

Horoscope courtesy of Vanity Fair - Picture courtesy of Natalie Dee
Commentary courtesy of The Babbling Brooke
If you like the idea of being driven out of your mind actually no, I really don't, just become emotionally involved with someone you can't count on. Yes, thank you for telling me that now, where were you when I was getting emotionally involved? If, however, you have self-knowledge I'm working on it, or have spent a fortune on therapy not just yet, you won't permit yourself to be victimized by Uranus in your 7th house. You can keep Uranus out of all of my houses, thank you very much. Those who can't resist such relationships screw you, if I had known he was such a fucking psycho I wouldn't have gotten involved in the first place shouldn't expect their glamorous and unreliable partners to show up on time - or at all. Not at all would be preferable. Fortunately, there is a middle ground between masochistically enabling someone clearly sadists love masochists and cutting her or him off. Can I actually cut something of his off? It's called maturity. Maturity? I prefer to think of it as dodging a bullet.

Thank you very little.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Death Becomes Me

You Are Death

You symbolize the end, which can be frightening.
But you also symbolize the immortality of the soul.
You represent transformation, rebirth of a new life.
Sweeping away the past is part of this card, as painful as it may be.

Your fortune:

Don't worry, this card does not predict death itself.
Instead it foreshadows the ending of an era of your life, one that is hard to let go of.
But with the future great new things will come, and it's time to embrace them.
Mourn for a while, but then face the future with humility and courage.

What Tarot Card Are You?


This is true on so many levels that it's not even funny. But then again, death is no laughing matter. So remember boys and girls, I am death. Fear me.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

A Mosquito, My Libido

I drove home from the hospital Thursday night thinking about the one thing that has been sorely lacking in my life of late - a good night's sleep. Spending so much time at the hospital (mom is doing much better thanks) has completely sucked the life out of me. I was so tired, so utterly exhausted, that I was actually having fantasies about sleeping. I could hear the bow-chick-a-bow-wow music in my head as my mind ran away with me...oooooh...the soft sheets that I just washed this morning...aaaaah....bed by 10:00 o'clock after a hot luxurious bubble bath....uuuuhhhh....yessss....yes...yes.....

At exactly 10:00 pm I slipped between the sheets, skin scented with milk and honey and tired muscles totally relaxed. I actually felt myself sinking into the bed, that wonderful drowsy state totally taking over my body. It wasn't long before I was drifting off into a well-deserved and blissful sleep...

Load up on guns...bring your friends...it’s fun to lose...and to pretend

What the hell is that. Do not tell me that is Nirvana. Do not tell me that one of my fucking neighbors chooses this night of all nights to blast their fucking stereo. Please no. Ok..give them a minute to realize that this is a school night and that it's a bit too loud...they'll turn it down...

Hello, hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, how low?

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck. I stood up and threw my window open, ready to unleash my inner Jersey girl. It was obvious that the music was coming from one of the boats docked outside the building, and I realized it was not really that loud after all. It was just loud enough to be like an insistent mosquito buzzing around my ears. And there was this other sound too - running water. So one of these fucking boat people was washing down their boat and blasting Nirvana at 10:00 at night. Sonofafuckingbitch.

With the Lights out...it's less dangerous...here we are now...entertain us...

I followed the sound to the sloop just outside my window. It wasn't someone washing their boat. It was someone washing himself. A man. A real live honest to goodness, hard-bodied, tanned and perfect male specimen - taking a shower on the dock - with a hose.

Thank you God.

I stared open-mouthed as he washed his hair, the lather running down his chest. I strained to see in the darkness if he actually had any clothes on or if God was indeed being really really good to me. No, I see Speedo. Black Speedo.

God is mean.

Sleep forgotten, I leaned on my arms and settled in comfortably against my windowsill for a good old fashioned perv session. I couldn't see his face, but I couldn't have cared less. His body was like a sculpture. A wet, almost naked, soapy sculpture. My inner Jersey girl was now shouting, "Take it off!!!" in my head, and I practically bit my tongue to keep it from popping out of my mouth.

I found it hard... it's hard to find ...oh well whatever nevermind...

He took it off. I saw butt.

God is good.

It struck me that sleep was not the only thing that I have been sorely lacking in my life. My mind was moving a mile a minute. I wonder if he's single... I really need a boyfriend...screw getting a boyfriend...too much work...can't we just make love like crazed weasels...which boat is that...is that one of the guys that I accidently flashed back in June...

I was so lost in my little reverie that I almost didn't realize that he had turned the water off and was drying off. Bummer, the show was almost over. I smiled, thinking what a nice and unexpected distraction this had been. And that's when he looked up and locked eyes with me.

For a second I froze, mortified that I had been caught so obviously perving on him. And then he smiled, a really big, really happy smile. I smiled back, laughing and embarassed, and pulled my window shut. I could hear him saying, "Oh come on...don't go!" as the window slammed closed.

I jumped back in bed, giggling to myself. I could still hear him trying to get me to come back to the window. I couldn't help but wonder what he had in mind. Was he going to try to convince me to come down and bang him on his boat? Did he want to flash me some more? Hmmmm....I was just curious of course...really curious. I got up from the bed and was just about to open my window again when I looked down and realized why I could still hear him begging me to come back.

I was stark naked.

God is mean.

I feel stupid...and contagious...here we are now...entertain us...

Friday, March 17, 2006

Green Day

You Are Teal Green

You are a one of a kind, original person. There's no one even close to being like you.
Expressive and creative, you have a knack for making the impossible possible.
While you are a bit offbeat, you don't scare people away with your quirks.
Your warm personality nicely counteracts and strange habits you may have.


Today is not only St. Patrick's Day, but also the fifth anniversary of my father's death. Typical Englishman, had to go and spoil the only Irish holiday we celebrate here in the States. And a fun one at that. Here's to you, dad.


Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Searching for Intelligent ...Never Mind

The following are some of the recent search phrases that have led to my blog. I seriously doubt that any of them expected to land here and read the random nonsense of a fucked up chick from Jersey who clearly needs to get laid. It is for these searches alone that I will never rid myself of my Site Meter- it's just too entertaining.

You looking for me?

Viggo's girlfriend - yeah baby!

babbling brooke - yes that's me.

Brooke - I actually come up number one on MSN!

Brooke Rose - this is slightly disturbing as there were several of these. There were also a number of image searches as well. Freaks? Ex-boyfriends? I guess we'll never know.

the babbling brook poem - yes, they write poems about my incessant babbling. And spell my name wrong.
It has occurred to me... it is possible ...that they weren't looking for me...

brooke is a jerk - well that's just rude.

brooke flavor of love pumpkin - clearly I have been missing out on some classic television viewing.

brooke pool - most of these were searches for images. I come up first - no doubt disappointing to the those who were obviously looking for pictures of Brooke Burke naked by a pool.

fuck brooke - yes, thank you.


maloney's margate - yes people, the bar is now closed. Get over it.

don't you put me on the back burner - The Killers rule!

best tattoo parlour, amsterdam - it's the Hanky Panky, for those not in the know.

very funny pranks to do on your younger brother for kids - I have absolutely no idea what this means or how it landed on my blog.

"henk schiffmacher" hells angels - again, the Hanky Panky. I think I should get a cut of any business I'm directing their way. Hear that Henk?

pussycat dolls keyring - what the fuck?

how did cinderella get her name - the cinders around the fireplace that her stepsisters made her sit by all the time. Don't you people read???

"sweet and sour" tattoo - Henk, seriously, we need to talk.

tattoo molly - Molly, if you are still out there, we need to talk too. It's not the first time people found you through my blog.


"make love like crazed weasels" - found in my comments. And apparently a favorite expression of both #7 and #9 on the list of the nine types of boyfriends.

"naked dad in the shower" - sadly, this phrase comes from a post I wrote about my students.

Dirty Poems "There once was a man from Nantucket" - again, found in comments. Do you really think I would write this? Ironically, I come up as number eight for this one on google.

accidental flash - I'm #1 baby!

"tickled me until I cried" - I can't help but think that this is the search of a fetishist.

story: accidentally flashing my boobs - clearly it happens to the best of us, and clearly it turns the pervs on.

hot sloppy seconds - this does not refer to me, thank you very much.

playing with twat - I'd like to thank all of my fellow twats for helping this search land here at The Babbling Brooke.

And My Personal Favorite

SHOW ME YOUR BEAVER - this is exactly how it was typed in, it doesn't get much better than this. I picture a pasty white lardass with excessive back hair screaming wildly at his spit spattered monitor in a torn wife beater and permanently stained tighty whiteys.

Isn't that what blogging is all about?

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Welcome To My Meltdown

I have no idea what to write. My head is swimming in a pool of fog. I don't remember ever being this tired before...like if I went to bed and didn't set my alarm I might not wake up until next week. Seeing straight is a concept, not a reality. My feet are numb. The fear gripping my chest is like a vise. Is this what it is like to have a complete and total meltdown?

The last couple of weeks I have spent a great deal of my former blogging time with my mother. She has numerous health issues at the moment, the worst of which is a disc pressing down on the nerves of her spine. It's difficult for her to do the simplest of things without mind blowing pain. I try to do as much as possible for her, but it never seems to be enough - especially to my brothers. But I digress - and they can fuck themselves.

Yesterday she had surgery to help fix her back problem. I spent 12 hours at the hospital. Have you ever noticed that it is far more exhausting to sit in a hospital for 12 hours than to say....bike for 100 miles? It's true. I've done both. I looked like hell when I was there due to stress and lack of sleep, which sucked since the doctor was kind of hot. Not that I care about meeting a doctor when my mom is in pain. I don't. If I did I'd have made an effort. He barely looked at my face anyway - he kept staring at my feet. Maybe he liked my toe ring and French pedicure. I'm making no sense. I know this. Dr. Hot said he was pleased with the results. She was fine after the surgery, more lucid than I am right now. Everything seemed great.

Last night she spiked a fever of 102.

Today she barely knew I was there.

I'm afraid to go to sleep tonight. If I go to sleep tonight something will happen to her. I just know it. If I stay up, she'll be ok. So I just need to stay awake. Even if I am so tired I can't see straight. I need to make coffee. Coffee will get us through this.

I'm making no sense. I know this.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

The Face of Vegemite

Brooke: circa 1992
Little Miss Knit, let this be a lesson to you. Back away from the Vegemite. You don't want anyone to see you making this face. Ever.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Catching Up

So I have to catch up on all the fun stuff I missed out on the last two weeks. Shut up, I'm too lazy to write a real post. However, before I go on - I want to thank everyone for their kind words and messages while I was gone. And I would especially like to thank the many people that sent me such lovely emails and Instant Messages - I won't name you all because:

1. I'm lazy.
B. I don't want to embarass you all.

Just know that I truly appreciate all of you who showed me the love.

On to the nonsense.

Judge me, please.....

Please visit my Johari Window. Even while I was gone I did all of yours. Your turn!

Been there, done that......

You Should Date An Australian!

You're a down to earth, outdoorsy kind of girl
And you need a guy who can keep up with your adventures
A rugged Austrailian guy is just your style
Better start learning how to surf!

Which Foreign Guy Should You Date?
Say it ain't so!

You'll Find Love Online

Dating in meatspace is way too complicated and time consuming for you
You rather find a ton of guys at the click of a button
So go on, and have some fun in your online dating adventure
Just make sure perfectguy@mrright.com is who he says he is

I feel much better now.