Holidays getting you down?

Family driving you crazy this Thanksgiving? Is the pressure getting to you? Take it out on someone who really deserves it. Beat the hell out of your Bush Bopper!

Why I Should be the Next Tabloid Darling

With Britney bald and in rehab and our beloved Anna Nicole lost forever, I think it's important that we find a new tabloid queen immediately. Yes, there are a few others, but they make me so nauseated that I refuse to even put their names on my blog. I'm a very sensitive woman, and it just breaks my heart that there are paparazzi out there with nobody to stalk. There are good American people out there with nothing to gossip about. Let's face it, the Britney stuff is just getting pathetic, and soon enough people will be saying "Anna Who?" And then where will we be? Talking about...war? Too depressing. Politics? Yawn. Global Warming? Heard it all before. We need someone new to gossip about right away! And being the good American that I am, I am willing to step up to the plate and sacrifice myself for the good of the many.

As your new Tabloid Darling, I promise to:

• Be famous for doing a whole lot of nothing. Cause like, I'm good at that.

• Make every effort to keep my underwear on in public. But not at home of course. Hello zoom lens!

• Lounge around my pool all day. I do this for the paparazzi, not for myself. I'm selfless like that. And of course there will always be an insanely hot man in the next lounge chair.

• Be outrageously promiscuous. Just don't be expecting any K-Feds or Birkheads on my resumé, I have higher standards than my predecessors when it comes to men.


• Say what I think without putting a whole lot of thought into the consequences. I know what you are all thinking. Shut up.


• Continue to allow my weight to fluctuate wildly on a daily basis. Yes, it's possible that the Oscar dress that the famous designer loaned me only days ago will be popping at the seams come the big night.


• Create controversy and set trends wherever I go. Looks like another trip to the Hanky Panky for me. I really hope that hooker has retired by now.
  


• Jetset around the world just for the hell of it. Oh the sacrifices I make!
  


• Have sex with lots of hot men. Did I say that already? Cause that's an important one.
  

Suggestions welcome. Thank you for your support.

Things I Have Learned From Relationships with Men

1. How to drive on the left side of the road.
2. How to drink Jack Daniels without making a face.
3. Liking football does not make me less feminine.
4. Tequila. Bad.
5. Strawberry Body Butter. Good.
6. Dimples make me weak.
7. I am worth fighting for.
   
8. If a man tells you he is not good enough for you, believe him.
9. Men can't read minds.
10. He either loves you or he doesn't. He's not "afraid" or "freaked out" or "going through a bad time."
    
11. Stay away from bartenders and musicians.
    
12. Being vulnerable will not kill you.
13. How he looks is not as important as how he treats you.
    
14. It's ok that I'm not perfect. So I have a bit of a potty mouth, deal with it.
15. Always fight fair.
16. After a break-up, do not leave the house unless you look fabulous.
    
17. A king sized bed is an absolute necessity.
18. Humor is hot.
    
19. Smart is sexy.
20. Sex is fun. Laugh. Enjoy. Don't hold back.
21. Morning sex is better than coffee to get you going.
22. It's ok to let him take care of you.
23. Being alone is better than being in a bad relationship.
24. Being alone is not the same as being lonely.
25. Settling is not an option.

Inspired by This Fish. She did ten things, but I'm older, so I figure I should have learned more by now.

Ceiling Cat Says...

If I Were in Charge of the World: Part One

If I were in charge of the world, weight gain would no longer be determined by how much you ate. Yes, you read that right. Food - and drink of course - would be for nutrition and enjoyment, but would have absolutely no effect on what you weigh. Now don't get me wrong, copious consumption of alcohol will still have the power to turn you into a legless sot in the evening and a human vomit machine in the morning, so no need to fret about missing out on these necessary rites of passage. And if you want to go the Super Size Me route for the rest of your life, don't forget to leave room for the Krispy Kremes.

But this does not mean the end of obesity. Oh no, no, no. I do, after all, have a depraved and shameless sense of humor. There will be fat people, in fact there will be hordes of corpulent butterballs everywhere you look. But these people will not be overeaters.

They will be assholes.

You see, in my world, being an asshole would make you fat. Weight gain would directly correlate with ignorance, bigotry, homophobia, rudeness, intolerance, racism, vindictiveness, chauvinism, narrow and/or small mindedness - there are a lot more adjectives I could add here, but I think you get the general idea. Even just general boorish behavior will pack on the poundage. Oh, and this will also include hate-mongers disguised as the religious right, liars, and people who talk incessantly on their cell phones when driving. Yes, I'm afraid my plan will not wipe out obesity and the many problems related to it, but it will direct it to the proper recipients.

And this way, you will always be able to see the assholes coming.