Friday, July 01, 2005

I've Been a Bad Bad Girl

So I'm like nine years old. And I want some candy. Bad. Real bad. The problem is, I have no money. That's bad too. Real bad.

All I need is a quarter. With a quarter I can get three candy bars and four Bazookas. (Yes, I'm that old.) So all I need is a quarter. But I don't have a quarter. So I do what so many of us have done but won't admit.

I go into mom's money drawer.

But there are no quarters. There are no ones. Not even any fives.

So I take a ten.

That's reeeeeeeally bad.

Ten dollars is a lot of candy. But I only plan on getting a quarter's worth of candy. I will then hide the rest of the money and use it to buy candy until I'm 12.

I slip the ten in my shorts' pocket, run out to the garage, and take off on my bike like a little girl terrified of getting busted for stealing ten dollars from her mom's money drawer. I arrive panting and wheezing at Bowen's Candy Store five minutes later.

I reach into my pocket.

The money is gone.

It fell out of my pocket.

Crap.

I spend the next three hours retracing the five minute bike ride to the candy store. I look under every rock, in every gutter, on every porch.

It's gone.

I'm being punished for stealing. I just know it.

I go home with the guilt of a little girl who just stole ten dollars from her mom's money drawer and then let it fall out of her pocket. I hide in my room for a while wallowing in my shame. Then mom calls me downstairs to feed the dogs and set the table.

I bring the dogs' bowls of food to the back porch. Sweetums runs up the steps and starts inhaling her dinner. Sundance stays in the yard, barking. He's dug a hole, and he is standing there barking at it.

This is odd. Our dogs don't dig holes - or bark at them - and they never allow their dinner to sit for one second longer than necessary. I wonder if he has tried to bury a bone, or if he just wants to prove to me that he knows how to dig a hole.

I go down the stairs. I look in the hole; hoping there is nothing disgusting in there like a dead bird or one of my brother's socks.

It's not a bird or a sock.

Lying in the bottom of the hole is a ten dollar bill.



True story.

And yes, I put it in mom's money drawer.

And I never stole again.

54 comments:

Marel Lecone said...

It was so not meant to be. I guess all of nature was working against you spending that $10. Great way to learn a lesson!

Ayn Marie said...

What a great moral to the end of your story...

yournamehere said...

Brooke, you disappoint me. That was obviously God's way of telling you it's okay to steal; that you will always get away with it and there are never any consequences to your actions.

Ms. Charisma said...

Wow! What a lesson!

Cincysundevil said...

That is almost as bad as Catholic guilt!!

Kid Sis said...

Even the dogs are in cahoots with God...you better watch yourself, girlie! What did the dog think of your accidental flash?

Mister Underhill said...

This is the sexiest blog entry I have ever read.

WhiteBoyBob said...

I agree with yournamehere, God was telling you it's OK to steal.

Personally, I hung out with a bad crowd at middle school and my parents didn't let me have sweets (candy), so when that sugar monkey was on my back and I needed a hit it was down to the 7 Eleven with my overcoat on. One of our friends would try and distract the lady behind the till while I jammed my pockets full of pink shrimps, cola bottles and parma violets. I didn't feel too bad, and at least I wasn't taking money off my family to feed my dirty habit! ;O)

Ah, the joys of a mispent youth.

Lo Lo Lova said...

Maybe your mom dug the whole and put the money in there and your dog was letting you know where it was.

gone said...

Never stole again? Not even clothes from a friend's closet or someone's boyfriend or anything? I am amazed by your moral fortitude.

A. Estella Sassypants said...

My dog buries my panties and bras. I just wish I could find a ten-spot he'd gotten ahold of.

JJ said...

At least once a week I look into my wallet and wonder where the other twenty went. There are too many people in my house that depend on my bad memory.

One day, though, I'm going to start writing notes to myself a la memento on my arms and legs about how much money is supposed to be in my wallet. That'll show 'em.

WhiteBoyBob said...

Cash is dead. Just do everything electronically people. I very, very rarely pay cash. Usually down the rub-a-dub wiv me chinas - but now even most bozzer take plastic.

Brookelina said...

Marel, Ayn, and August - the moral of the story is - stay out of your mom's money drawer! Now I just demand the money directly from her.

Brookelina said...

YNH and WBB - I am sooooooo telling your mothers on you!!!!! You are bad, bad I tell you! Bad!

Brookelina said...

Cincy and Kid Sis - I do think that God had something to do with this! Or maybe my grandmom did it from heaven. I have always thought that she did it to teach me a lesson and give me the chance to redeem myself.

Brookelina said...

Mr. Underhill - I am so turned on right now.

Brookelina said...

Lo Lo - interesting theory. Problem is I can't ask my mom cause she still doesn't know I stole the ten dollars.

Jacob - I am a highly moral person!!! I do not steal boyfriends as I've had them stolen from me - and as for clothes.....ok never mind.

Andi - your dog sounds a lot like Mr. Underhill.

JJ - you must take pictures of your naked note covered body and put them on your blog.....just so we can help you with your bad memory of course....

gone said...

brooke, you are hillarious. these last two have made me laugh out loud, i think because they brought a couple momories to mind. first one,jacob and i were..."fighting crime", if you will, i had nothing on top and i stood up right in front of the window in his basement. at that very moment a truck was driving by, slammed on his brakes and reversed back to get a better view. we got a good laugh out of it. i also had a period where i stole things-stupid things like key chains, hacky sacs, even boxer briefs.stupid

Ruben said...

Wow! A life lesson via a dog burrying the stolen goods.

gone said...

Watch out because I've been known to steal a few!

gone said...

D'oh! Nevermind.

Brookelina said...

Sweet - LOL that is great! You actually stopped traffic! You and the twins must be very proud.

Fighting crime?

Brookelina said...

Ruben - you never know where the lesson will come from.

Honestly, this has always haunted me in a way. It's all completely true. My dogs never dug holes. That money didn't fall out of my pocket until I was halfway to the candy store - I remember feeling in my pocket for it. That's probably when it fell out. How could it have traveled so far - veered direction - and then found its way to our backyard and into a hole that is normally never there?

I sometimes even wonder if it was the same 10 dollar bill. The one in my pocket was crumpled and folded. The one in the hole was flat and just lying there. Maybe that moment saved me from a life of crime.

Or not. Maybe just a life of dishonesty and deceit.

Brookelina said...

Jacob - steal clothes? Or boyfriends??? I smell a new blog for you!!

Melanie was here said...

That is an awesome story. YOu learned a lesson, and didn't get busted!

joanne said...

Brooke! Do you know how entertaining your blog is? You are so good at this! I love it!!

You are also good as gold. I wasn't like that. I stole so much money from my Dad. I don't know how he still loves me (maybe he never really knew). He used to hide money in his apartment (this was after my parents split up) and my sister and I would go visit him. As soon as he would leave for work, we'd be scrambling all over the apartment to find his stash! We'd steal more than 10 bucks though. We'd leave his place with as much at 80 dollars sometimes. I know, very evil.

Brookelina said...

Mel - that wasn't the moral! Actually, yes it was.

Jo - you have now made me feel much better. In fact, I'm feeling morally superior to most of you thieving delinquents!

gone said...

OK, Babble. "Fighting crime" comes from Douglas Coupland's book Shampoo Planet. It is code for sex, putting it as bluntly as I can.

Übermilf said...

I guess it's good I don't have a money drawer.

Or a dog.

Brookelina said...

Jacob - I knew that. I just wanted to make you say it.

Uber - so where DO you keep your money. Just wondering of course. No real reason for asking...

Spirit Of Owl said...

I think it was a different $10 bill, and so in fact in fact you stole $20 that day.

Brookelina said...

Well how am I going to figure out who to return the other 10 dollars to?? Dammit owl!

That's the second time today you have made me burst out laughing.

MoDigli said...

Now, you did say mom called you down to feed the dogs, right? Maybe she DID know all about it!?!!

Brookelina said...

Mo - good thought. Except everyday mom called me down to feed the dogs and set the table. I just left the table setting part out. It interrupted the flow of the story.

LOL

Brookelina said...

Actually she may not have called me down at all. That might be just part of childhood memory.

Crap.

Major7 said...

I became the pinball wizard of the 'hood with all the lunch-money quarters I stole. But then, I got rightly busted!! It was not pretty.

joanne said...

major - OMG, you are one of those kids who stole people's lunch money?? I had my lunch money stolen too, and that totally sucks to be hungry and have your money stolen! Grrrr.

Major7 said...

Jo-anne

Sorry about your lunch money. It wasn't me!!

Actually, the lunch money I took was in the kitchen cabinet where my Mom kept it to dole out to us 5 kids each morning. In addition to swiping the quarters from the cabinet, I would also skip luch, which would give me two more quarters to play pinball with.

Brookelina said...

Interesting that I'm relieved that Major stole from his mom and not other kids.

Major7 said...

Come on, ladies....

I listed The Sound of Music as one of my favorite movies! You didn't really think that I was the lunch-money bully of Eastwood High, did you? If so. You rock!! I finally have perfected the bad boy image I so desperately wanted to have but could never quite achieve due to my Boy Scout upbringing (trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent).

So, a few misplaced quarters got sidetracked from me being the perfect boy.

Damien said...

I've only ever stolen money once from my parents, hey it was for a transformer toy way way back in the day, hmmm such memories.

JJ said...

Unfortunately, I can't put pictures of my naked note covered body on my blog because it's against my modeling contract and my supermodel girlfriend would get jealous.

Yeah, that's the ticket.

Brookelina said...

Damien - again I am so please to find that my momentary lapse of reason was apparently shared by everyone else on the planet.

JJ - I promise not to get jealous, don't worry!

Anthony said...

I could probably pay for my post-secondary education with all the money I stole from my parents for Candy...

Brookelina said...

Did you steal it for candy? Or Candy? Cause one is sweet treat you eat, and the other is a sweet treat you eat...with breasts.

JJ said...

I'm going to have to start calling you SMG (SuperModel Girlfriend) from now on then.

Brookelina said...

I have no problem with that.

The Dummy said...

Ahh.. the days of guilt knowing you did something bad that your parents wouldn't approve of...

That's why we move away! ;)

But what a well-told story. Glad I found you through MoDigli.

R. U. Serious said...

So your dog picked your pocket!

Serious

Brookelina said...

Dating Dummy - thank you! I look forward to checking out your blog.

RUS - My dog did not pick my pocket! He was way too short.

Brookelina said...

I am actually so anal that I added the "set the table" part. I need help.

Neil said...

Shouldn't the moral of the story be "dogs are devious creatures"? I think he was trying to cut a deal with you.

"I won't tell Mom if we split it fifty-fifty, candy for you and dog bisquits for me."

Mike said...

That reminds of the time when I was like 10 and I tried to train our dog to fetch money so I could take him to the beach and have him steal for me. Didn't quite work.