If I Were in Charge of the NFL

Ever since I was a little girl with four big brothers in the house, I have been a football fan. It's not like I had much choice. If you weren't watching football on Sundays in the fall at my house, you were persona non grata. My father, who worked six and a half days a week at his store, was always home in time for kick-off. My mother could, and still can, tell you the name and history of almost every coach in the league. We weren't one of those families that was obsessed with a certain team, or with the stats of the players, we simply enjoyed the game.

The game has changed over the years. Much more money is attached to it now, and the players (as a whole) seem more interested in calling attention to themselves than being part of a team. This is why I need to take over. Much like my "If I Were in Charge of the World" posts one and two, where I proclaim how I will clean up the world, it is now time for me to clean up the NFL. So here is a list of things that would change if I had Roger Goodell's job. Which I should.

1. This battle between the NFL and Time Warner - over. Grow up assholes. Everything you both have is because of the fans. It is time to start catering to them and not to your own tremendous greed and massive egos. I don't care who is right, who is wrong, or who wants to be the first to bend over and take it like the men you claim to be. Let it go.


2. The NFL and the team owners will cover the cost of their own stadiums - not the taxpayers. How the hell you have managed to convince cities to cover your costs is beyond me, but the buck stops here. Billionaires should pay their own bills.
   


3. Players, I have a little reminder for you. Playing in the NFL is a privilege, not a right. You are an employee just like the majority of the population. You play for your team, the owner, your coach, your fans, and the NFL. You are answerable to others. The team, the owner, your coach, your fans, the NFL - they all have the right to question your actions - on and off the field. You are lucky to be getting paid to do the job you do. You are role models to children. You need to start stepping up and acting like it. If you would like an example of how to be a class act on and off the field, then study this man carefully. If you do not like the fact that people have expectations of your behavior, then get another job. You have college degrees, finding another job should be a piece of cake.
   


4. In continuing with the concept discussed above, players will sign a very stringent "Code of Conduct" clause attached to their contracts for behavior on and off the field. Oh I know there is one now, but it doesn't seem to be working very well. So here is the deal. If you do not follow the Code of Conduct, you are fired. Period. No review. No fine. No long tedious examining process. Breaking the Code is like breaking your contract. You break it, you buy it.
   


5. You cheat - you're fired. Period. Bye bye Belichick. Enjoy life in the private sector.

That's all for now. I'm sure I'll think of more as the season continues.

My House

Opinions are like assholes, everyone's got one. - Some unknown asshole

Once upon a time, young girls wrote down their personal thoughts in private books and hid them away under their mattresses so nobody could know what they were thinking. These surreptitious journals were known as diaries, and woah to the parent who happened upon the delicate reflections of the adolescent female.

Today, the diary has morphed from a juvenile source of confidential expression to an online world - 50 million strong - of HTML, images, and trackbacks - otherwise known as the blog. Young and old alike not only share their secrets with the world, but invite others in to comment about their daily shenanigans, private thoughts, and personal beliefs.

When I first started blogging, I was shocked that people would comment on my posts. They liked me! They really liked me! This is so cool! Now I should really head over to their blogs and see what they wrote and comment to them too! I hadn't realized that this sort of interaction was part of the blogging process. But hey, this was fun stuff!

I soon discovered that it wasn't always fun. Why? Because not everyone is nice. I know, this comes as quite a shock, but it's true. In fact, some people actually spend a good portion of their time attacking others. Others find themselves becoming too familiar too fast, making comments that are inappropriate and uncomfortable for the recipient. And thus began my love-hate relationship with the comment portion of our blogs.

The argument goes, that if you put something out there, you have to be expected to take the good with the bad. Is that true? Just because a person writes something on the internet, does that give people the right to vehemently attack that person for no real reason? Is it expressing yourself when your whole agenda is to hurt others when you comment? Just because you have the right to do it, does it make it right to do it?

I look at my blog as an extension of myself. Actually, no - I look at my blog as an extension of my home. Our websites are our internet real estate. In an increasingly crowded world, this is the one place where there is always room. We move in to our spaces. We decorate. We make it homey and comfortable. And we hope people will enjoy themselves when we choose to entertain. The thing is, in the real world, our front doors are locked and secure. People can walk by, but legally, they can't come in without an invitation. Not so on the internet, where our web doors are always open. Anyone can come in - anytime, and from anywhere. And because the rules are different, people seem to think that they can behave accordingly.

Would you walk into someone's home with a mask on, verbally abuse the occupants, and then trash the house? No? Then guess what - don't do it on the internet either. Going to someone's blog under an anonymous moniker and battering the blogger with insults and relentless tirades is no different. It's rude. It's inappropriate. And it's extremely bad karma. Don't believe in karma? Then good luck to you.

I find it sad that the rules of common courtesy don't apply on the internet. We are supposed to be a civilized society. I do my best to treat people with respect because that is how I want to be treated - both in person and on the internet. I thank my parents for having this sensitivity, for being able to distinguish between right and wrong. Unfortunately, not everyone was raised with a moral compass.

I can't control other people's opinions, but I can control what goes on in my blog. I know many people who don't delete ugly comments on their blogs because they feel that other people's opinions are valid and should be left for all to see. I disagree. This is my blog, it's my home, and I make the rules. If someone comes in and makes a mess, I have no problem cleaning it up. If that means eliminating obnoxious behavior to get that bad smell out of the air, then that's what I am going to do. I do not allow garbage to stink up my house. You don't like it? No problem. There are 50 million other houses out there. Go to one of them.

Sofa King Tired

Last night, between the hours of 1:00-2:00 am, two beer-swilling-belly-scratching-fuck-witted yabos in their little redneck putt-putt shitboat were trolling up and down the canal outside my window. Their mission - to scream unintelligible nonsense and blast Seals and Crofts at ear-piercing decibels. Yes, Seals and Crofts. Who the fuck listens to that shit anymore? And where was my Marine Policeman when I really needed him?

See, this is why I am for gun control. If I had had a gun, as is my right as an American citizen, those dipshits would be at the bottom of the canal right now, and I'd be desperately trying to avoid relations with Sweaty Betty in the Broward County Jail. Better to be tired and cranky and taking it out on our future generation.

It's only 7:30 and I need a nap. It's going to be a long day - and I'm already late for work.

If I Were in Charge of the World: Part Two

This a continuing series on how I would make the world a better place if I were in charge. Ok, it's part two of two. So it's not really a series yet. If you would like to read Part One, click here.

If I were in charge of the world, lying would be a thing of the past. Sorry, that's a lie (Is there any doubt that I am a humorous and benevolent ruler). There would still be lying, but the consequences for liars would be very different. You see, in my world, lying would be handled by ME - with very strict rules. I have made things simple by classifying lies - and the consequences - into three simple categories.

Let's go over these together -

1. Lies on the Small Scale - LOSS.
These are the small lies, the inconsequential lies, often referred to as little white lies. The I don't want to hurt *name of recipient's* feelings types of lies. Examples of LOSS:

"Oh honey, I'm so glad your mother is coming to visit. I've missed her."
"Of course you dont look fat in those."
"You are soooo funny!"
"How did you know I wanted a vacuum cleaner for my birthday?"
"You were wonderful."

Clearly these are lies that only serve to please the other person. There will be no consequences for these - as long as your heart is in the right place(remember, I'm in charge, so I'll know if your heart is indeed in the right place). If your heart is not in the right place, the lie is moved to the next level.

Meet the next level -

2. Lies of the Medium Scale - LOMS.
These are more serious. Often people think they are using LOMS to keep from hurting someone else, but really they are using them to help themselves. Examples:

"Stop being so paranoid! She/he is just a friend. There is nothing going on!"
"Honey, they made me go to the strip club, and it would have been rude to not let her give me that lap dance."
"Oh you should definitely get your hair cut before your big date. Really short, guys like that. And don't shave your armpits, guys like that too."
"I don't know how my credit card got charged for all that internet porn! How do I know it wasn't YOU!"

These are self-serving, manipulative lies. They not only hurt others, but they are used to make others feel bad while the liar gets his/her way. These lies will result in consequences. As stated in Part One, liars will be subject to weight gain. Massive, instantaneous weight gain. Depending on the seriousness of the lie, a person could go from a size 4 to a size 24 in a matter of minutes. So if you are the type that sticks to a lie no matter what, be prepared to buy a second home for all your clothing.

And last we come to -

Lies on the Grand Scale - LOGS: These are the serious lies. The real whoppers. The ones that cause death and destruction and general mayhem. Examples of these would include:

"I don't recall selling weapons to Iran."
"Iraq poses an imminent threat."
"I never said Iraq posed an imminent threat."
"I don't see what's wrong with sleeping in a bed with little boys."

These lies go beyond weight gain. In my twisted sense of humor and logic, I have decided to employ one of the world's oldest expressions regarding lying in a literal fashion. I like to call it the liar liar pants on fire punishment. Yes that's right, when LOGS are uttered - the liar's pants will catch on fire. I know that doesn't sound like a major punishment, but once the pants go ablaze, the rest of the body will light up as well, ultimately resulting in spontaneous human combustion. In other words - *POOF* - liar no more. I originally wanted these liars to explode - but I thought that would be too violent for children to witness. Spontaneous combustion is quicker and neater and kind of cool to watch - and the small pile of ashes left over can be taken care of quickly with a Dustbuster.

This should pretty much wipe out the current administration in Washington. Actually, it will most likely wipe out politicians in general without regard for political affiliation. It will also take care of the majority of news reporters, many gossip magazine employees, various entertainers, and most of the CEO's and CFO's of the world's major corporations.

So if I were you, I would invest in stores that carry plus size clothing and cordless vacuum cleaners.

If I Were in Charge of the World: Part One

If I were in charge of the world, weight gain would no longer be determined by how much you ate. Yes, you read that right. Food - and drink of course - would be for nutrition and enjoyment, but would have absolutely no effect on what you weigh. Now don't get me wrong, copious consumption of alcohol will still have the power to turn you into a legless sot in the evening and a human vomit machine in the morning, so no need to fret about missing out on these necessary rites of passage. And if you want to go the Super Size Me route for the rest of your life, don't forget to leave room for the Krispy Kremes.

But this does not mean the end of obesity. Oh no, no, no. I do, after all, have a depraved and shameless sense of humor. There will be fat people, in fact there will be hordes of corpulent butterballs everywhere you look. But these people will not be overeaters.

They will be assholes.

You see, in my world, being an asshole would make you fat. Weight gain would directly correlate with ignorance, bigotry, homophobia, rudeness, intolerance, racism, vindictiveness, chauvinism, narrow and/or small mindedness - there are a lot more adjectives I could add here, but I think you get the general idea. Even just general boorish behavior will pack on the poundage. Oh, and this will also include hate-mongers disguised as the religious right, liars, and people who talk incessantly on their cell phones when driving. Yes, I'm afraid my plan will not wipe out obesity and the many problems related to it, but it will direct it to the proper recipients.

And this way, you will always be able to see the assholes coming.