Let's Talk About Sex

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umm...

OK you first.

Tuesday Ten #4

Ten Movie Heroes I Would Have Sex With

1. Aragorn of Lord of the Rings - So what if he's dirty and hasn't bathed in months. And who cares if he's 88 in Middle Earth years. He's a king dammit. And a smokin' hot one at that.


2. Maximus Decimus Meridius of Gladiator - Tortured, wounded, a true lost puppy. Plus he's got that whole leader of his men thing going on, and he looks good in a skirt.


3. King Leonidas of 300 - Hello abs of steel! Who could resist having sex with the original Chippendale?
   


4. Han Solo of Star Wars - My very first bad boy crush. While all the other little girls were swooning over the wet-behind-the-ears Luke Skywalker, Han Solo was the one who truly saved my day.
   


5. James Bond of Casino Royale - No other Bond will do. The previous Bonds may be handsome and debonair, but I'll take the buff brute who comes out of the water looking sexier than Ursula Andress in Dr. No.


6. Captain Jack Sparrow of Pirates of the Caribbean- He makes Aragorn look freshly scrubbed and Richard Simmons seem masculine, but there is something about Jack Sparrow that makes you want to do bootyful things to him.
   


7. Bruce Wayne/Batman of Batman Begins - Yet another tortured soul, and a billionaire to boot. And he's got that rough gravelly voice. Of course he'd have to wear the suit - and bring the gadgets.
   


8. Hicks of Aliens/Reese of The Terminator- both characters were played by the same actor in James Cameron action movies - so essentially they are the same person. Both are soldiers. Both risk their lives for the girl while at the same time stepping back to let the girl kick some ass along with him. What's not to love?


9. Tyler Durden of Fight Club - Fine, he's a sociopathic freak. But he's a hero to other sociopathic freaks, so he counts. And everyone should get a little freaky at least once. Besides, he is ripped to shreds.
   


10. Neo of The Matrix - Just. Don't. Talk.

So Many Choices...

Why I Should be the Next Tabloid Darling

With Britney bald and in rehab and our beloved Anna Nicole lost forever, I think it's important that we find a new tabloid queen immediately. Yes, there are a few others, but they make me so nauseated that I refuse to even put their names on my blog. I'm a very sensitive woman, and it just breaks my heart that there are paparazzi out there with nobody to stalk. There are good American people out there with nothing to gossip about. Let's face it, the Britney stuff is just getting pathetic, and soon enough people will be saying "Anna Who?" And then where will we be? Talking about...war? Too depressing. Politics? Yawn. Global Warming? Heard it all before. We need someone new to gossip about right away! And being the good American that I am, I am willing to step up to the plate and sacrifice myself for the good of the many.

As your new Tabloid Darling, I promise to:

• Be famous for doing a whole lot of nothing. Cause like, I'm good at that.

• Make every effort to keep my underwear on in public. But not at home of course. Hello zoom lens!

• Lounge around my pool all day. I do this for the paparazzi, not for myself. I'm selfless like that. And of course there will always be an insanely hot man in the next lounge chair.

• Be outrageously promiscuous. Just don't be expecting any K-Feds or Birkheads on my resumé, I have higher standards than my predecessors when it comes to men.


• Say what I think without putting a whole lot of thought into the consequences. I know what you are all thinking. Shut up.


• Continue to allow my weight to fluctuate wildly on a daily basis. Yes, it's possible that the Oscar dress that the famous designer loaned me only days ago will be popping at the seams come the big night.


• Create controversy and set trends wherever I go. Looks like another trip to the Hanky Panky for me. I really hope that hooker has retired by now.
  


• Jetset around the world just for the hell of it. Oh the sacrifices I make!
  


• Have sex with lots of hot men. Did I say that already? Cause that's an important one.
  

Suggestions welcome. Thank you for your support.

You Can Take It With You

Telephone conversation with a friend while watching The Mummy on television for the 112th time.

Friend: Damn, Brendan Fraser has never looked so good.

Me: I know, he's usually so pasty.

Friend: I think The Mummy is hot, too. I'd do him.

Me: I think mummification should come back in style.

Friend: Did you hear how they removed your brains? No thank you.

Me: Yes, but you're already dead anyway, and with mummification you can take your stuff with you.

Friend: That is a bonus. Ok, works for me.

Me: So what would you take?

Friend: My jewelry for sure. And probably my breadmaker. I love my breadmaker. And I'm sure they like bread in heaven.

Me: You're so sure you're going to heaven?

Friend: Fuck you. What would you take?

Me: George Clooney.

Friend: You are such a freak.

Me: Fuck you, you're the one who wants to do a mummy. You're just pissed you didn't think of him first.

Friend: Do you always think of sex?

Me: Do you always think of food?

Friend: Like you don't.

Me: You can make us toast in the mornings after all the sex.

Friend: You're so sure you're going to heaven?

Me: Oh I'm going to hell. Actually no, I teach in the ghetto! I have a free pass to heaven. And I'll be banging George Clooney for eternity while you serve us fresh toast every morning.

Friend: Fuck you.

Me: Don't forget the butter.

**edited slightly after morning phone call from Friend stating that I didn't get all the dialogue correct. Well excuse the hell out of me. Artistic license or failing memory, you decide.

I Love Spam

Although I normally don't open email in my spam folder, this subject line was just too irresistable. I'm so glad I did, as Branden is either psychic, or he knows me from somewhere.

The message read: YOU NEED TO GET LAID!!!!!!!!!!!

Well no shit, Branden. Thanks for the heads up.

I wonder what Branden looks like.

I'll Be on the Couch

Don't cook.
Don't clean.
No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
"My God, the floor's immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch."
~Joan Rivers

To My Future Husband

Ten Things You Should Know Right Now About Your Future Bride

1. I can be a tad inflexible at times. For instance, this is the engagement ring I want. Make no mistake about it, it will be this ring. Am I making myself clear on this? Yes, I am bossy. And demanding. And stubborn. Learn all this now. I am giving you every chance to run screaming into the night.



2. I am very set in my ways. I enjoy my solitary existence. I'm not one of those women that sits home on a Saturday night weeping about where her Prince Charming is. I really really like my alone time. So if you have one of those fabulous work from home jobs that everyone is so desperate to have, you are going to have to go out and get a real fucking job. I don't want you hanging around the house like a frigging spider all day. And please, feel free to go out with your friends once in a while for a beer or two. You think I want you around every night too? No. Just make sure you are home in time to service me before I fall asleep.



3. I am extremely anal when it comes to my home. I like things neat and tidy. No smelly socks on the floor, dirty dishes in the sink, or hair in the tub. You will be expected to clean up after yourself. I am not interested in being your maid. *This does not include the times I dress up in the French Maid's outfit and we play Master of the Castle.



4. I am a hopeless flirt. I enjoy playful banter and ogling the abs of hot young men. This will not stop when we get married. Don't get me wrong - I don't expect you to stop flirting either. I like the idea that other women are attracted to you and that you can appreciate attractive women. Just keep it in your pants sweetie. If you do decide to park the car in someone else's garage, please remember that I am a professional chef and have been trained in the butchering process. In other words, if you cheat on me you will be the main course at your memorial service.



5. Cuddling - not interested. I'll tap you if I want you again. Otherwise, get back over to your side of the bed.



6. There are two ways to start my day off right. Good coffee. And good sex. You will be required to provide at least one of these on a daily basis. Both would be preferable.



7. Every Sunday from September-January there will be football on the television. Deal with it. Yes, we can fool around during halftime. I have no problem with that. Just don't bother me during time of play. And feel free to bring me a beer and some chicken wings while you're up.



8. You won't win an argument with me. You can try, but you won't. Every man I've ever known has said that I should have been a trial lawyer. If you do walk away thinking you won an argument, it's only because I am allowing you to think that and have my reasons for doing so. Oh, and I know when you are lying. Don't do it.



9. We are getting a dog. This is non-negotiable. I will feed him and train him and love him. You will pick up his poop.



10. You know how people always say that it's so important for their significant other to have a sense of humor? Bullshit. Everyone has a sense of humor and most of them stink. There is a big difference between someone with a sense of humor and someone who can make you laugh. I want someone who can make me laugh. Your ability to crack me up is crucial - and believe me it will be reciprocated. If you can't make me laugh so hard that I am afraid I will wet myself, then you better be the best fuck on the planet. And even then if that is all you've got, this won't last very long.

My ring size is 7. If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.

Greasy Pancakes

On my last trip home from NJ, I purchased a light and brainless paperback book for the plane ride. It was obviously Chick Lit from the title, but I was in the mood for a little romance. The book was about a woman who is dumped by her live-in boyfriend for his college sweatheart, and her response to this trauma to her life (hey, I told you it was Chick Lit). The book was so-so, but there was one passage that had me howling right there in seat 6A. I have decided it is worth typing out and sharing it with my fellow Chicks - and the boys as well.

Our heroine, Alison (my middle name by the way) has had her first sexual fling since her break up with Tom. Her fling has the unfortunate name of Henry. She is wondering if this fling is going to turn into a real relationship, and of course - as in all Chick Lit - she is discussing this possibility with her friend, Cordelia.

"This guy is not that guy," Cordelia said. "Trust me."

"I know."

"It would take a lot to turn this guy into that guy," she said. "But maybe he is your greasy pancake."

"My what?" I said.

"When you're having pancakes, the first one soaks up all the grease on the griddle, so you have to throw it away," said Cordelia. "Henry can soak up all the grease left over from Tom. Then your griddle will be ready to go."

"I don't think that's a very good metaphor," I said, "but I like it."

"It's my mom's. Only she married her greasy pancake. 'Don't make the same mistake I made,' she says whenever they have a fight.' Throw away your greasy pancakes.'"

"So what am I supposed to do?" I said.

"That's easy," said Cordelia, "Enjoy your greasy pancake. And then throw him away."

Sarah Dunn, The Big Love

Songs in the Key of Sex

Him: I like to make love listening to the soundtrack from Officer and Gentleman

Me: I like to fuck listening to Nine Inch Nails

Him: Boy... we are wrong...

Ironically, the result of my "What's Your Stripper Song" quiz is:

Your Stripper Song Is

Closer by Nine Inch Nails "You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you Help me I broke apart my insides Help me I've got no soul to tell" When you dance, it's a little scary - and a lot sexy. What Song Should You Strip To?

Monkey, thanks for showing me this.

Him, boy were you right.

Sticky Toffee Pudding

Otherwise known as orgasm on a plate - this is a classic English dessert. I discovered it when I lived in Australia as it is served in just about every restaurant in the country. When the cake lady would drop this off to the cafe where I worked in Manly Beach, we would attack this stuff like rabid dogs. I've often said you could pour the sauce over an old shoe and you would eat it with glee.

Took me long enough to post a recipe on here. Being a former chef and all, I expected more from me. I should have posted this in time for Christmas. Oh well, try it for New Year's! Pictures are included!

The Pudding
1 cup dates, pitted and chopped
1 cup boiling water
1 stick butter
1 cup brown sugar
4 large eggs

1 and 1/2 cups self rising flour
or
1 and 1/2 cups flour and 1 teaspoon baking soda

The Toffee Sauce
1 cup brown sugar
3/4 cup cream
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 tablespoons butter

Method
Preheat oven to 350°. Pour the water over dates in a saucepan and let stand. Cream butter and sugar in a mixing bowl until light and fluffy. Add the eggs one at a time. Gently fold in the flour. Add the dates (water included).

Pour the mixture into a lightly greased 7" square or round cake pan. Bake in oven for 35 minutes.

Admire new UGGs while pudding is in the oven.

Remove pudding from oven and set aside.






To make toffee sauce, combine remaining ingredients in a saucepan. Bring to a boil and then simmer for 5 minutes, stirring all the time. Remove from heat.













Cut pudding into squares and place each square in the center of a warm plate. Pour hot toffee sauce over each serving and serve with ice cream or whipped cream.

Enjoy your orgasm puddin'!

Memories of Thanksgiving

Age 13: Mom and I were on our own and living in a tiny rowhouse in Philly. Brothers were scattered around the country. Parents had just split up but were still - sort of - friends. Dad, who had been away and was not expected back in time, suddenly came home the day before Thanksgiving. Everyone made frantic arrangements to get together and somehow we pulled it off. We spent Thanksgiving night at a restaurant eating lobster tail and toasting our last Thanksgiving as a family.

Age 21: Playing house with the boyfriend, who stole all of the food from the casino kitchen he was working in, including the turkey. I cooked and watched football while he primped in the bathroom. (he was a metrosexual before anyone knew what a metrosexual was) We had all of our friends over for dinner and then he and I went upstairs to have sex while they cleaned up.

Age 22: Being that the night before Thanksgiving is traditionally the best night to go out all winter and I am freshly single from boyfriend, friends and I dress up and hit the pub. In retrospect, knowing that I had to drive four hours the next day for dinner, going out was probably not the best idea. Things got slightly out of control, so I'm told. I have little memory of that night. However, when we walked into the pub that Friday evening, we got a standing ovation.

Age 24: Italy. I called home to find out that it was snowing. Snowing on Thanksgiving! We were devastated to be missing that. Our friends invited us to a charity tennis match in Florence where we got to flirt with tennis stars and drink red wine at an after party. Ok, not missing Jersey so much after all.

Age 26: Australia. Try finding a turkey in Australia.

Age 28-35: As a working chef, Thanksgiving was spent cooking for half the town, and then for all of the family. In other words, Thanksgiving sucked.

Age 40: cooking for two friends and one brother. Everyone is bringing something. I will spend the day toasting family not being there, watching football, drinking red wine, and not working. Almost perfect. If only the man of my dreams could be there to have sex with while everyone else cleans up, then it would be perfect.

Maybe next year.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Bumping Uglies

Kris tagged me for the bumping uglies meme. In this meme, you are supposed to admit which less-than-attractive celebrities you would shag - making the term bumping uglies extremely literal. The problem, as I have explained to Kris, is that I am shamelessly shallow when it comes to the idea of star fucking. If the man is beautiful and famous, I pretty much want to do him. And though I made a concerted effort to think of ugly men I would do, I came up empty.

So instead, I decided to change this to the I don't care how rich, famous, or powerful you are, I wouldn't do you unless there was a gun pointed at my dog meme. It was painful for me to even download these pictures to my computer, let alone add them to my blog. I hope you all can appreciate my sacrifice.

First on my hit parade:

Andy Dick. His name says it all. He is my premiere nominee for Todd's Shovel Justice - people who deserve to be hit in the face with a shovel. And then hopefully buried using that same shovel. I think if I saw him naked I'd gouge my eyes out with a spoon.

David Spade. Don't you just want to smack the grin off of that face? Again, the idea of that "man" - and I use that term loosely - in any type of sexual situation is enough to make me consider celibacy for life.

The Donald. They say that power is an aphrodisiac. In this case it brings on the bulimia. Besides the fact that he is an incomparable ass, that hair should be ripped right out of his big ugly head. And don't get me started on those eyebrows.

The Bush Administration. The true axis of evil. Just thinking about them makes me want to loofah my skin off.

Tom Cruise. Freak.

Feel free to tag yourself. I'm off to fantasize about Viggo in an effort to stave off the nightmares this post will no doubt bring on.