Saturday, January 28, 2006

To My Future Husband



Ten Things You Should Know Right Now About Your Future Bride

  1. I can be a tad inflexible at times. For instance, this is the engagement ring I want. Make no mistake about it, it will be this ring. Am I making myself clear on this? Yes, I am bossy. And demanding. And stubborn. Learn all this now. I am giving you every chance to run screaming into the night.


  2. I am very set in my ways. I enjoy my solitary existence. I'm not one of those women that sits home on a Saturday night weeping about where her Prince Charming is. I really really like my alone time. So if you have one of those fabulous work from home jobs that everyone is so desperate to have, you are going to have to go out and get a real fucking job. I don't want you hanging around the house like a frigging spider all day. And please, feel free to go out with your friends once in a while for a beer or two. You think I want you around every night too? No. Just make sure you are home in time to service me before I fall asleep.


  3. I am extremely anal when it comes to my home. I like things neat and tidy. No smelly socks on the floor, dirty dishes in the sink, or hair in the tub. You will be expected to clean up after yourself. I am not interested in being your maid. *This does not include the times I dress up in the French Maid's outfit and we play Master of the Castle.


  4. I am a hopeless flirt. I enjoy playful banter and ogling the abs of hot young men. This will not stop when we get married. Don't get me wrong - I don't expect you to stop flirting either. I like the idea that other women are attracted to you and that you can appreciate attractive women. Just keep it in your pants sweetie. If you do decide to park the car in someone else's garage, please remember that I am a professional chef and have been trained in the butchering process. In other words, if you cheat on me you will be the main course at your memorial service.


  5. Cuddling - not interested. I'll tap you if I want you again. Otherwise, get back over to your side of the bed.


  6. There are two ways to start my day off right. Good coffee. And good sex. You will be required to provide at least one of these on a daily basis. Both would be preferable.


  7. Every Sunday from September-January there will be football on the television. Deal with it. Yes, we can fool around during halftime. I have no problem with that. Just don't bother me during time of play. And feel free to bring me a beer and some chicken wings while you're up.


  8. You won't win an argument with me. You can try, but you won't. Every man I've ever known has said that I should have been a trial lawyer. If you do walk away thinking you won an argument, it's only because I am allowing you to think that and have my reasons for doing so. Oh, and I know when you are lying. Don't do it.


  9. We are getting a dog. This is non-negotiable. I will feed him and train him and love him. You will pick up his poop.


  10. You know how people always say that it's so important for their significant other to have a sense of humor? Bullshit. Everyone has a sense of humor and most of them stink. There is a big difference between someone with a sense of humor and someone who can make you laugh. I want someone who can make me laugh. Your ability to crack me up is crucial - and believe me it will be reciprocated. If you can't make me laugh so hard that I am afraid I will wet myself, then you better be the best fuck on the planet. And even then if that is all you've got, this won't last very long.

My ring size is 7. If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.

80 comments:

Calzone said...

You forgot to mention he has to have a big ass

Brookelina said...

He has to have a big ass? Or he has to be a big ass?

I bet you didn't even read this dumbass.

ChickyBabe said...

Good list, Brooke. I could have written 4 and 6 myslef! I better go and get my own coffee now...

Nick said...

three days off and this is what we get?

Brookelina said...

Chicky - well we are very much alike, we already know that.

Nick - next time I'll just get Mike to write me a post.

J to the fucking C said...

Why do I feel like that was for me and shit? I think it over. Let me know when you're ready for my demands.

Steelers fan?

You're probably a Patriots fan.

That's a fucking bummer about the cuddling.

Debby said...

You forgot one - You know nothing. What you do know is what I let you know.

LMAO

Squid Vicious said...

Good luck...

Brookelina said...

Jesus - I would love to see your demands. And I'm a Green Bay fan - couldn't you have helped Favre out a little this year? I mean come on, the guy had no team around him

Debby - that is my mom's name. Is that you mom? When did you learn how to use the computer?

Squidly! Thanks!

J to the fucking C said...

Well my steelers are going to the Superbowl... what are you Packers doing that Sunday?

Gorgs said...

Oh Snap.

Brookelina said...

JC - I don't know what they will be doing. I know what I'll be doing. And it won't be you.

Slim - what are you snapping at? You and your savior are on different sides.

Gorgs said...

Too bad my Seahawks are gonna fuck everyone up.

J to the fucking C said...

Yeah, we'll see about that.
the Seahawks rock and shit... it's gonna be a good game.

(but they're no Steelers)

J to the fucking C said...

Can the dog be a golden?

Brookelina said...

German Shepherd. But we can have two, so the Golden can be the second.

Gorgs said...

Only if you pee on it, Dude.

Tits McGee said...

Jesus is a cuddler? I'll be damned.

J to the fucking C said...

"I know what I'll be doing, and it won't be you"

Sounds like someone needs a nap.

jiggs said...

Are you sure you're not a boy trapped in a woman's body?

at the Lake said...

I was in until #3.

darth said...

"a friggin spider" :lol:

and agreed on the coffee every morning.

Marel Lecone said...

Dear Brooke. I can completely appreciate your list. And, I even admire it. But, I have a feeling when this man for true love and marriage comes along . . . and, he's the one that you are meant to be with . . . you might just have to say "fuck the list!" :)

J to the fucking C said...

Yeah, what marel said. You should always compromise youself for a man.

Bill said...

Well darling, I think we’ll have a Liz Taylor-Richard Burton kind of marriage:

1. Agreed. Cut me a check and I’ll pick it up.

2. I work from home. Do we have a problem?

3. Neat and tidy had better mean all DVDs and CDs and books are treated with delicacy and care and put back EXACTLY where they go in the shelves.

4. Flirt all you want. Just don’t expect me to engage in conversation with them. If history is any judge, women have terrible taste in men.

5. The cuddling question … Fine. But you better not have cold feet. And who gets what side of the bed? Hmm?

6. Good coffee & good sex – agreed. You’ll be providing these, I assume?

7. And October through June there will be hockey. Deal.

8. I don’t argue. I just nod agreeably then do what I want.

9. The dog’s name will be Molly Bloom.

10. If you don’t laugh at my jokes (usually quite dry) you’re going home to Ma.

It sounds like a marriage made in Sarajevo. But I think we can make it work! :-)

Bill said...

Gee ... that all sounds kinda cantankerous. In reality I'm more amenable. But I do have worries about who gets what side of the bed.

Melliferous Pants said...

Did you write this for Neil?

Spirit Of Owl said...

You know, things change. I remember not long ago you were all moping and stuff that you couldn't find a man. Now it's like you're lining up a parade and standing us motley lot to attention.

Thing is, I think I like it.

Brookelina said...

Slim - you are so getting spanked for that one.

Tits - only over here. On his own blog it's all "oh I can have anyone I want...I don't need you."

JC - I do actually, I really do.

Jiggs - would you like to be the boy trapped....ok..I can't finish this sentence...

Lake - so you have a problem with swallowers? No worries.

Darth - coffee...I so need to go make some right now....

Brookelina said...

Marel - it's an iron-clad contract.

JC - if I compromised myself for a man, I'd be married by now. And divorced. And probably married again.

Bill - the great thing about this list is that it weeds out all the rotten apples.

Pants - I would so love to see Neil's take on this list.

Owl - standing at a attention? This was written to scare you all off.

J to the fucking C said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
J to the fucking C said...

My response to Marel was total sarcasm.

However, I do think it's possible to meet someone whose company you enjoy enough that you don't mind making some minor changes. For example, well I guess I can't actually think of anything that I'd be willing to change about myself. I like to drink beer pretty much all of time and I spend most of my life in my own world... take it or leave it. I just like it better that way, it's good for my voice.

Brookelina said...

JC - my response to your response was total sarcasm as well. This entire thing was laden with sarcasm. I'm not looking for a husband - if I were - do you think I would actually post this? This is the perfect way to run off potential suitors.

J to the fucking C said...

I love sarcasm.

babyjewels said...

Forget the ring and demand it's cash value instead. Then we can go out and party and shit.

J to the fucking C said...

I also love running people off.

Especially the good ones.

Brookelina said...

JC - we love all the same things! I'm an expert at running people off. I could give seminars on it.

BabyJ - have you seen that pretty pretty ring? I could never give that up!

J to the fucking C said...

I sometimes lament over the one I let get away. Then I have to remind myself that I threw her away.

J to the fucking C said...

I've thrown a lot of things away. I'm totally self-absorbed and shit.

Brookelina said...

Funny you should say that. My next post is about that very thing.

J to the fucking C said...

I'm on top again.

charming, but single said...

Brooke, you crack my ass up. I could actually steal your list (right down to the kickass princess cut ring) except for the fact that I am kind of messy. Also, I would stipulate that we are getting a small, short-haired dog, preferably a miniature dachshund.

Also, I would specify that there will be no drinking of crappy crappy coffee in my house. No folders, no taster's choice. Not ever.

Danielle said...

This is great... We are sooo much alike! Except for football and morning sex, I can relate to every word. I love alone time, am a total flirt, need a dog, and someone to crack me up(even if it is with poopie jokes), and cuddling? Not unless he is rubbing my back.

Brookelina said...

JC - as always.

Charming - while it looks very much like a princess cut, it's actually an Asscher. Though I like the name of the princess better.

Dani - no morning sex? Really? Wow.

yournamehere said...

There's usually a little truth in sarcasm.
According to you, I can make you laugh. I know I can make coffee, and I can't sleep if someone else is touching me, so the no-cuddle rule is fine by me. Also, I like to flirt and it never results in sex. All I have to do is start cleaning up after myself and I'm in.

And I think Jesus Christ wants to bang you.

Gorgs said...

He's going to have to get past me, first.

Bill said...

Sarcasm? Not really looking for a husband? Oh dear. I hope Mom hasn't mailed those invitations yet.

WhiteBoyBob said...

We all think you're da bomb and everything, but your list makes you look like what we men folk call "high maintenance". Or did someone already mention that? I'll shut up now.

Jill said...

I'll "me too!" on everything but the football. But I wouldn't mind being served the chicken wings. "Master of the Castle..." hee hee hee...

Brookelina said...

Todd - so far you are batting a thousand - almost. And yes, Jesus wants to bang me. Me and everyone else.

Slim - like that would deter him.

Bill - no mamas' boys allowed.

WBB - you say that like it's a bad thing.

Jill - hehehehe. You so get me.

GrandPooOfAwesome said...

"Next time I'll get Mike to write me a post" hahahaha! I laughed outloud.

I'm with you on most of these, only I:

1) want cuddling
2) don't want football, but he can go over to his friends and watch it while me and their wives make out

jiggs said...

I dunno if I would want to be trapped, but I certainly don't mind visiting.

I've always wondered if I was a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

Kris said...

I seriously think you and I could get married.

You did say you were looking for a husband though, didn't you? Oh well.

WhiteBoyBob said...

Having re-read that list, it does sound almost exaclty like me. I think dogs are wonderful BTW.

J to the fucking C said...

Go STEELERS!

J to the fucking C said...

Baby, I don't want to bang everyone else.
You are the only one.

Well, that's not the 100% truth.

Brookelina said...

Poo - ok, sometimes cuddling is ok. But not when I want to sleep. Then I need my space.

Jiggs - visitors are always nice.

Kris - I know I said I am inflexible, but I'm not entirely inflexible on this point. I'm starting to think I would be better off with a woman. Is there some sort of pill I can take to make me gay?

WBB - so I haven't scared you off then? Really? Go Steelers!

JC - go Seahawks! Ha! And thanks so much, you make me feel so very very special.

Candi said...

Yeah! JC wants me too!

J to the fucking C said...

This is true. I called the girl I was with last night "Candi" by mistake.

She was all like "what did you call me?" and I was like "nothing, Brooke" and played it off like it was just some kinky shit that I was into.

WhiteBoyBob said...

Hell no! But my wife may have something to say about it ;O)

GO STEELERS!!

I'm just counting down the days now!

Debby said...

I wasn't being mean to you Brooke sugar. I meant that you were supposed to add that to your list!!!

LMAO

Flounder said...

Your ring looks like the Scott Kay one that I got my wife for our anniversary a couple of years ago. Expensive little fucker, that's for sure.

Kris said...

Ben Gay would be the obvious choice, but I think it's more of a salve.

Brookelina said...

JC - we are sooooo over! Come get your stinky socks and beat it!

WBB - watch out, people will start thinking you're a Yank.

Debby - ooooooh. I'm a little slow sometimes. That is so going on list 11-20!

Flounder - that's my ring. Shut up.

Kris - or something HOMeOpathic. Ok I tried.

J to the fucking C said...

Not until you get your panties out of my car.

Candi said...

Those are mine.

J to the fucking C said...

Yeah, well I tried to sell them on ebay.

Neil said...

sigh... other than the football stuff, you sound just like my last wife...

No, actually you sound a little less high-maintenance. In the morning, Sophia always demanded, sex, coffee... and eggs benedict.

Egan said...

Hmmm... that swallow stuff is intriguing. And fuck those damn Steelers. I don't give a shit where Bettis grew up and whether or not he has a ring. I just want Brooke to get a size seven.

Bill said...

Mama's boy? Mama's boy? You keep talking like that and I'm going to tell my Mom. (She says you're just a "school teaching' hussy." So she's a big supporter of home schooling.)

Think Frustrated said...

Your list is perfect. If I wasn't married, you and I would get hitched.

I would have the uncanny ability to make you laugh, as well as "service you" every morning. Often, it would be simultaneous.

Tumbleweed said...

You are the greatest. I totally wish we could hang out!

Übermilf said...

Other than my preference for sapphires and not minding the "work at home" (he does disappear into his office with the door closed, however) we are alarmingly similar.

Including the cuddling. Dilf actually has asked, "Can I please cuddle you?"

none - ya said...

I'm with you on the cuddling thing. Makes my limbs go numb. I know you're there, I don't need you to touch me.

Cincysundevil said...

So Brooke, when are we getting married. You sound perfect.

miss kendra said...

my computer didn't even tell me this post was here.

computer hates me.

i like your ring and you sound like a good woman to me.

i will heartily endorse you to any serious inquirrerererers.

The Dummy said...

You should carry all that in a card and give it to every guy who wants to take you out on a date!

Monkey said...

hanging around the house like a frigging spider all day

Thank you. I laughed.... out loud... like a deranged hyena.

Brookelina said...

Neil - I will only require Eggs Benedict on Sundays. Now I'm going to have to teach him how to make a proper hollandaise.

Egan - you rock. Did the swallow reference make you horny?

Bill - you are not doing well here. I'd consider a republican over you right now.

TF - you're married? You suck! I was all excited!

Weed - we will someday. Count on it.

Ubie - I love sapphires, they are our birthstone. But for the engagement ring, it's gotta be this. And I would let him work from home if he could shut the door, and stay in there til dinner. He could do the laundry while he's working too...hmmm...this is not so bad after all...

Mack - exactly! Thank you! As I said, I'll tap you if I need you.

Cincy - honestly I thought this list would scare the crap out of most men. The first step is the ring. No wait, the first step is us actually meeting. Right, that makes more sense.

Miss K - your computer may hate you but I love you. And your boobies. I'm going to stop talking about them before you never come back to visit me.

DD - yeah, that ought to scare them all away!

Monkey - you truly don't know how happy it makes me that I made you laugh like that. I am going to make it my mission to make you pee yourself whenever you see my gorgeous avatar.

Monkey said...

You do indeed have a gorgeous avatar. Would you like to visit me? You could make me pee myself once a day and I'll feed you and pat you.