Ten Things You Should Know Right Now About Your Future Bride
- I can be a tad inflexible at times. For instance, this is the engagement ring I want. Make no mistake about it, it will be this ring. Am I making myself clear on this? Yes, I am bossy. And demanding. And stubborn. Learn all this now. I am giving you every chance to run screaming into the night.
- I am very set in my ways. I enjoy my solitary existence. I'm not one of those women that sits home on a Saturday night weeping about where her Prince Charming is. I really really like my alone time. So if you have one of those fabulous work from home jobs that everyone is so desperate to have, you are going to have to go out and get a real fucking job. I don't want you hanging around the house like a frigging spider all day. And please, feel free to go out with your friends once in a while for a beer or two. You think I want you around every night too? No. Just make sure you are home in time to service me before I fall asleep.
- I am extremely anal when it comes to my home. I like things neat and tidy. No smelly socks on the floor, dirty dishes in the sink, or hair in the tub. You will be expected to clean up after yourself. I am not interested in being your maid. *This does not include the times I dress up in the French Maid's outfit and we play Master of the Castle.
- I am a hopeless flirt. I enjoy playful banter and ogling the abs of hot young men. This will not stop when we get married. Don't get me wrong - I don't expect you to stop flirting either. I like the idea that other women are attracted to you and that you can appreciate attractive women. Just keep it in your pants sweetie. If you do decide to park the car in someone else's garage, please remember that I am a professional chef and have been trained in the butchering process. In other words, if you cheat on me you will be the main course at your memorial service.
- Cuddling - not interested. I'll tap you if I want you again. Otherwise, get back over to your side of the bed.
- There are two ways to start my day off right. Good coffee. And good sex. You will be required to provide at least one of these on a daily basis. Both would be preferable.
- Every Sunday from September-January there will be football on the television. Deal with it. Yes, we can fool around during halftime. I have no problem with that. Just don't bother me during time of play. And feel free to bring me a beer and some chicken wings while you're up.
- You won't win an argument with me. You can try, but you won't. Every man I've ever known has said that I should have been a trial lawyer. If you do walk away thinking you won an argument, it's only because I am allowing you to think that and have my reasons for doing so. Oh, and I know when you are lying. Don't do it.
- We are getting a dog. This is non-negotiable. I will feed him and train him and love him. You will pick up his poop.
- You know how people always say that it's so important for their significant other to have a sense of humor? Bullshit. Everyone has a sense of humor and most of them stink. There is a big difference between someone with a sense of humor and someone who can make you laugh. I want someone who can make me laugh. Your ability to crack me up is crucial - and believe me it will be reciprocated. If you can't make me laugh so hard that I am afraid I will wet myself, then you better be the best fuck on the planet. And even then if that is all you've got, this won't last very long.
My ring size is 7. If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.