Friday, September 28, 2007

Just Say Woah

People, I have a confession. I have an addiction. I know I know, it's shameful and humiliating, but it's true. Despite the fact that I'm usually able to control my illicit and unsavory needs, every few years I break down and practically offer up my first born for that one little taste. For some 25 years now I've been strung out on the sweet stuff. And now the urge is calling again. I can hear it in my dreams....woooooahhh....woooahhhh...wooooahhhh.....

I'm so addicted I've sunk to the bottom of the barrel - whoring my blog out for my own selfish needs. I'll sell my soul to the devil for two tickets to this Friday's (October 5th) Bruce Springsteen show at the Philadelphia Spectrum. Come on, help a sister out.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Meanwhile, a village in Texas is missing its idiot

"Childrens do learn," Bush tells school kids
Wed Sep 26, 2007 1:46pm EDT

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Offering a grammar lesson guaranteed to make any English teacher cringe, President George W. Bush told a group of New York school kids on Wednesday: "Childrens do learn."

Bush made his latest grammatical slip-up at a made-for-TV event where he urged Congress to reauthorize the No Child Left Behind Act, the centerpiece of his education policy, as he touted a new national report card on improved test scores.

The event drew New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, Education Secretary Margaret Spellings plus teachers and about 20 fourth and fifth graders from P.S. 76.

During his first presidential campaign, Bush -- who promised to be the "education president" -- once asked: "Is our children learning?"

On Wednesday, Bush seemed to answer his own question with the same kind of grammatical twist.

"As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured," he said.

The White House opted to clean up Bush's diction in the official transcript.

Bush is no stranger to verbal gaffes. He often acknowledges he was no more than an average student in school and jokes about his habit of mangling the English language.

Just a day earlier, the White House inadvertently showed how it tries to prevent Bush from making even more slips of the tongue than he already does.

As Bush addressed the U.N. General Assembly on Tuesday, a marked-up draft of his speech briefly popped up on the U.N. Web site, complete with a phonetic pronunciation guide to get him past troublesome names of countries and world leaders.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Tuesday Ten #7

My Ten Favorite Books...up til this point

  1. The Prince of Tides by Pat Conroy

  2. Charlotte's Web by E.B. White

  3. A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L'Engle

  4. The Bourne Identity by Robert Ludlum

  5. One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

  6. Papillion by Henri Charrière

  7. Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior by Judith Martin

  8. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

  9. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein

  10. America, A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction by Jon Stewart

Happy Birthday Todd!

OK, what is up with all these September birthdays? Enough already.

Todd, when you finally get around to finding yourself a new job, here is a video to help you with the interview process. I hope this helps.

Friday, September 21, 2007

I love my mom. I really do.

And so I'm living with my mother again. I haven't mentioned it much because A. it's humiliating, and B. it's mortifying. My mother and I, like most mothers and daughters, have an interesting history. My parents divorced when I was 13, leaving me to live alone with her full time. My mother quickly established our new roles - she would revert to being a teenager, and I would be responsible for her daily happiness. In other words, complete role reversal. It was an excellent arrangement for her.

Not to say that I didn't get to be a teenager - I worked very hard to meet every underachieving teenage stereotype ever invented. My primary goal during my adolescent years was to get as far from her as humanly possible without ending up in juvi. I rebelled against our role reversals with every fiber of my being. It was no coincidence that I moved out the day after my 21st birthday. And then went on to travel around the world. Twice.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. I really do. In many ways she is my best friend. Perhaps we are just not meant to live together. We get along swimmingly when we have our own abodes. Living at home again seems to be bringing out my inner teenage rebel. I find myself trying to sneak out without her knowing. I tiptoe around the apartment so she can't hear what I'm up to. I close the door to my room even when I'm just sitting around watching my goldfish troll for food.

At first I felt guilty for doing this, but then I realized why I was behaving in this manner. My mother was, and still is, the ultimate master in getting others to do things for her. After 30 some years, I have come to dread the words "While you're up, do you think you could...." with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

"While you're up, do you think you could
- do my laundry. And make sure to separate the colors.
- bring me a blanket. No not that one, it doesn't match my socks.
- fetch me my slippers. No not those. They don't match my blanket.
- change the channel, no I don't like that show. Keep going. I don't like that either. Go on.
- get my book I'm reading, it's around here somewhere.
- give me a ride to this place. I don't know where it is. Where are your directions? And gas up the car while you're at it.
- carry this 100 pound thing around for a while so I can figure out where to put it.
- work out today's prime lending rate.
- find that thing, you know, that thing I was looking at yesterday.

- and my all time favorite: get me a glass of ice water. But not too much ice!"

You get the idea.

It's harder to get annoyed now that she is using a walker and is getting -
dare I say it - old. But being that this is how she's been since I could navigate stairs, it's now one of those old wounds that festers with age. It's hard to keep a smile on my face after so many years of indentured servitude. I try to be sweet when she interrupts my homework* so I can help her figure out the remote control yet again; or so I can search around the apartment for her glasses only to find that she is sitting on them; or so I can get her yet another glass of water; but it's not easy. I've fetched more water than an African village girl.

I'm hoping she will calm down soon. Perhaps she's just making up for lost time. It's been many years since she's had me here at her beck and call. I still remember her first words to me when I came home from Australia after two years. There she stood waving wildly at the bottom of the escalator at JFK - I had been traveling for 28 hours from Sydney - I had spent the better part of the last two years driving on the wrong side of the road - and her first words to me were, "Welcome back! Here's the keys to the car, thought you'd like to drive us home."

At least this place is beachfront.

*No, this isn't the teenage me talking, I have homework! I'm a grad student now, thank you very much.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Tuesday Ten #6

Ten Reasons I am Doing the Happy Dance

  1. I got a job!

  2. Teaching first grade!

  3. Which is the grade I've been teaching for the last two years!

  4. So it's what I really wanted!

  5. And it's in a really good school district!

  6. Where there will actually be parental involvement!

  7. And the dads aren't in prison!

  8. And I may finally be able to get room moms!

  9. And I'll be making more money than I did before!

  10. Yay!

Monday, September 17, 2007

The Name Game

I stole this from Todd. I have no excuse other than my mind is elsewhere these days. And I'm lazy. And I'm in a writing rut.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car)
Marigold Toyota

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)
Hazelnut Oreo (Yeah, not so tough)

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
B But (I'm using Butler as my last name here - for when I marry Gerard. Best to be prepared I always say. Plus it's a much funnier name this way.

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Red Dog

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Alison Atlantic

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)
But Br (See? Much funnier)

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
The Purple Margarita

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Mark Eddie

9. STRIPPER NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy)
Tommy Bahama Snickers

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names )
Joan Lewis

11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)
Surran Sydney

12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)
Autumn Rose - Todd and I are twinsies!

13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + "ie" or "y")
Watermelon Flip Floppy

14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)
Muffin Fig

15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”)
The Cooking Thunder Tour

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Just Because

It was my favorite song. On my favorite show. In my favorite scene. Ever.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Tuesday Ten #5

Ten Things I Wanted for my Birthday but Didn't Get

A cake

A puppy

Pretty clothes

A naked man


Beachfront Property

A new car

A tree growing money

World Peace

A cigarette

I'm off to an interview. Wish me luck.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

An Open Letter to Mr. Craig

I don't care if you are gay. I don't care if you want to have sex with anonymous men in bathrooms. In fact, I don't give a damn about your sexual orientation whatsoever. I know this may be hard to believe, but some people don't really care about the sexual preferences of strangers. Some people feel that what goes on behind closed doors between consenting adults is really nobody else's business. Some people believe that others shouldn't be persecuted for their sexual orientation, and that discrimination based on sexual preferences is abhorrent and despicable.

It's a shame, Mr. Craig, that those people aren't part of your political party. What's even more shameful is that you have been one of those people up until now.

How does it feel to be hated, vilified, attacked, and humiliated - all based on this new perception of you? Is it shocking to you that suddenly people are treating you differently because they see you as a homosexual? After all, you are the same person you were before that fateful day, aren't you? What is it like to be a walking-talking example of the shoe being on the other foot?

If you are gay, so be it. If you are straight, so be it. If you keep your job after all of this, good for you. But maybe next time you go to vote against basic protections for homosexuals, you will remember the discrimination that you yourself suffered, and perhaps you will choose to do the right thing.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Tuesday Ten #4

Ten Movie Heroes I Would Have Sex With

  1. Aragorn of Lord of the Rings - So what if he's dirty and hasn't bathed in months. And who cares if he's 88 in Middle Earth years. He's a king dammit. And a smokin' hot one at that.

  2. Maximus Decimus Meridius of Gladiator - Tortured, wounded, a true lost puppy. Plus he's got that whole leader of his men thing going on, and he looks good in a skirt.

  3. King Leonidas of 300 - Hello abs of steel! Who could resist having sex with the original Chippendale?

  4. Han Solo of Star Wars - My very first bad boy crush. While all the other little girls were swooning over the wet-behind-the-ears Luke Skywalker, Han Solo was the one who truly saved my day.

  5. James Bond of Casino Royale - No other Bond will do. The previous Bonds may be handsome and debonair, but I'll take the buff brute who comes out of the water looking sexier than Ursula Andress in Dr. No.

  6. Captain Jack Sparrow of Pirates of the Caribbean- He makes Aragorn look freshly scrubbed and Richard Simmons seem masculine, but there is something about Jack Sparrow that makes you want to do bootyful things to him.

  7. Bruce Wayne/Batman of Batman Begins - Yet another tortured soul, and a billionaire to boot. And he's got that rough gravelly voice. Of course he'd have to wear the suit - and bring the gadgets.

  8. Hicks of Aliens/Reese of The Terminator- both characters were played by the same actor in James Cameron action movies - so essentially they are the same person. Both are soldiers. Both risk their lives for the girl while at the same time stepping back to let the girl kick some ass along with him. What's not to love?

  9. Tyler Durden of Fight Club - Fine, he's a sociopathic freak. But he's a hero to other sociopathic freaks, so he counts. And everyone should get a little freaky at least once. Besides, he is ripped to shreds.

  10. Neo of The Matrix - Just. Don't. Talk.