Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Ms. Monster Teacher - Updated!

As some of you here know, I'm a first grade teacher at an inner-city school here in Florida. On Friday I took a day off from work as I had been fighting a cold all week and I really wanted to take advantage of having a nice long holiday weekend. Being that today was a teacher planning day - it was extra sweet to come back to work wearing sweats and a tee shirt and have no monsters to deal with. Sadly, this was our last teacher planning day, all the rest were given up to make up for hurricane days....but I digress.

I walked into my lovely quiet classroom to find a gigantic and heinous note from the substitute describing just how horrid my little monsters were in my absence. To say they were out of control would be like saying Godzilla did a little damage to downtown Tokyo. I was then treated to the stories from various teachers/witnesses about just how rotten my darling tomatoes were. Though the teachers did admit that the substitute was a hopeless twat, it still doesn't excuse my kids - not completely anyway.

In a rage, I rearranged the room from the cute little "pods of learning" - teacher talk for kids sitting in groups to learn cooperatively - to military style rows. No more sharing of book tubs, they now each have their own little cardboard book cubbies - and if these cubbies are abused in any way it will bring about my unholy wrath. Rules are going to be changed - or rather - kicked up a notch - and practiced for the rest of the week. Recess will be spent learning how to walk in a straight quiet line again - something they apparently completely forgot how to do on Friday - according to every teacher that shares my hallway. And the gavel is coming back out again. Yes, you read that right. I have a gavel on my desk - and I'm not afraid to use it.

These little monsters have no idea what they are in for this week. Compared to me, Cruella de Vil will look like a puppy lover, Maleficent will seem no more frightening than Sleeping Beauty, the Wicked Witch of the West will.....ok...you get the idea.

*insert evil laugh here*

**UPDATE: Yes, I scared the crap out of the little shits from the moment they lined up outside the classroom door this morning. They were in absolute terror of making a wrong move the entire day. They did not so much as utter a peep without permission.
Some of the consequences of their horrific behavior were:
  • Our soon to be held pizza party was called off.
  • Rules were written instead of going to their beloved centers.
  • Lunch was eaten in total silence.
  • They had to apologize to every teacher that had been interrupted by their behavior.
It was glorious. The kids with the worst behavior problems were actually correcting the others if they even looked like they were going to do something wrong. It would have been a perfect day if one of them hadn't barfed on my alphabet carpet.

As for the the three students who had gotten a good report - they had a fabulous day. They did centers, had a special table to eat at during lunch, and got to play on the computers when everyone else was writing.

By the afternoon, however, I lightened up. They were pretty wrung out. I even read their favorite story to them.

Let's see what tomorrow will bring. I can always call upon Maleficent again if necessary.

67 comments:

Egan said...

spank me first Ms. Wose!

yournamehere said...

Wow, whenever I manage to be one of the top forty to post a comment, I feel honored.

Every time you talk about being in the classroom, Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" plays in my head. I had a hot teacher in 2nd grade. She looked like Beyonce as Foxy Cleopatra in the Austin Powers movie. All of my other teachers were at least seventy.

Brookelina said...

Egan - you will have to get in line. The men of blog seem to all want to be spanked. Or is it that they want to spank me? I keep forgetting...

Todd - I am a turnip compared to Beyonce. A turnip! But I'm not 70.

Chuck Dawson said...

Can we play a game?

I'll be an unruly student and you'll be trying punishment after punishment but none of them seem to work ant the finally you'll decide to take me down to the boiler room where you've hidden some gin.....

gotta go...

sandra said...

Oh, god...substitute teachers...my heart goes out to them. There was a guy named Mr. Chutis who used to sub at my junior high -- and who was constantly taunted by students, who would scream, "CHUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDDIIIISSSSS" in a way that just seemed mean. He'd walk by, head hanging and blushing, like you'd expect a peer to walk by. Always felt bad for him. But on the other hand, I suppose you have to decide to have a pretty thick skin if you are: a) substitute teaching or b) teaching junior high students at all. Between the braces, hormones, pimples and bad haircuts...well, they're not a happy bunch.

Brookelina said...

Chuck - you drive me wild.

Sandra - but these are first graders! Still, you can't show any fear with kids. Tomorrow the fear will be theirs.

Melliferous Pants said...

Next time you take a day off you should request Miss Viola Swamp sub for you.

miss kendra said...

gavel. hehe.

you are awesome. to the tenth power.

they will feel your horn.

jiggs said...

I can't believe that you're gonna beat children with a gavel.

Just kidding.

Actually I think regular, weekly beatings are an important part of any learning experience. Corporal punishment to the max!

Why do you think they call it the school of hard knocks?

Neil said...

Shit, even I'm afraid of leaving the house tomorrow.

Brookelina said...

Pants - I should totally read that story to them! I've already decided to tell them the sub was a friend of mine. That'll get 'em.

Kendra - I am not nearly as awesome as you. And your boobies.

Jiggs - if I didn't think I would lose my job and spend several years in prison, the gavel would be used for corporal punishment. As it is, I will just have to resort to uberbitchiness.

Neil - you should be! Was that you running in the hallway!?!

J to the fucking C said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
GrandPooOfAwesome said...

Haha, I love Miss Viola Swamp.

I totally feel for you. Hopeless twats for subs do not help at all though.

MoDigli said...

i've been on both sides of that coin: the teacher returning to find out about the horrible day. And now, the sub who deals with all the tricks the kiddies try to play!

I say teach them early and teach them well to respect the sub and care for their own classroom! You go girl! Give em heck. :)

Chuck Dawson said...

Well, I waited in the boiler room for about two hours before I realized somebody was playing a joke on ole Chuck.

There wasn't even any gin.

Spinning Girl said...

Ahhh, first grade.

The year we first put the substitute to the test.

The first year we were publicly shamed.

The real me said...

Who are you and what have you done with Ms. Wose?

TheBlogSnob said...

I read that you wanted me to check this out.....

Well, it seems you picked a great title for this blog. Babbling you are!

But, I do like they way you don't make my head hurt. So I guess I can give you one more chance.

Tumbleweed said...

Go gettum turbo! We need more teachers like you!! Our pansy ass teachers around here are too scared to even raise their voices. I don't mess around with that shit, discipline is important!

Bill said...

Ooh ... you'd have made a great nun in my Catholic school! As for the spanking ... well, I won't go there.

Seriously, though (since I don't teach and don't have kids) ... does this approach teach them actions (or lack thereof) have consequences? In other words, do they learn from this? I'm not being critical - it would be my natural response to what they've done. I'm just wondering if it actually works, or just makes me feel better.

Or is this effective for some, but not for all (because people, and kids, respond differently depending on who they are)? In other words, how do you effectively disciple/teach kids at that age (or any age)? I'm just asking 'cause I really don't know. In fact, I'm the last person on the planet who would know. So I ask.

(I like the gavel idea, if only as a physical symbol they can see. It makes things more tangible.)

Monkey said...

Maleficent indeed! Magnificent is more like it. Next time get the Old Maleficent to sub.

I am dying to hear the next entry after a week of "there's a new sheriff in town kids". Or "Santa's driving a panzer..."

Um. Yeah. It's late. I'm not funny. Thank you.

Spank me?

Monkey's Human

ChickyBabe said...

Will you be dressing up in black leather too?

Nick said...

you should bring a dead puppy into the class and tell them "this is what happens when children misbehave. God kills all the puppies!"

GrandPooOfAwesome said...

nick's idea is great! I think I'll use that one and my kids didn't do anything. I'm sure they will though, so I'll just say, "this will happen again if you misbehave."

Looking forward to hearing about your day of wrath and how the kids respond. I'm willing to bet they're very apologetic.

Zombie Lou said...

If Debby Harry tries to talk shit about Lou Reed on your blog please contact Lou Reed as fast as you can but not by phone because Lou Reed lost his phone. BUT DON'T BELIEVE A WORD DEBBY HARRY SAYS BECAUSE DEBBY HARRY IS A BALLOON HEADED MONKEYTOOTH LYING COKE SLUT!

Lou Reed will leave this comment EVERYWHERE. Feel Free to repost Lou Reed's Comment.

gone said...

Miss Wose, can I student teach in your classroom?

Molly said...

aawwww, it was a substitute, cut them some slack!!!

Kallun said...

My God, what fun!
I've never wanted to be a teacher so bad in my life... the power...!

Übermilf said...

Unholy wrath! I've got that, too!

*Insert Chanting Cheer*

Brooke! Brooke! Brooke! Brooke! Brooke! Brooke! Brooke! Brooke!

FindingHeart said...

Oh babe, I'm feel'en the pain. I could never do 1st, but with 5th graders, a sub had little chance. I would prep the class the day before by saying I had 2 secret note-takers who would report to me about their behavior. Of course, I rarely did. But the next day, I would have kids giving Mr Teacher 'secret notes' trying to rat out the losers who took advantage of the sub. The subversive element was nice sometimes. LOL!

Then there was the group who had to feel the wrath of changing desks to military rows. They hated it....at first. Then, with 31 big better behaved 10 yrs olds, I needed the space back and started to go back to coop groups. They bitched and moaned because they wanted the quietness and order of military rows. Crap!

Good luck this week. :)

Marel Lecone said...

Damn! I can't wait to read how it goes. They really need to learn that as much as they love you, they should show their love by being behaved on the days that you're gone. Good luck! :)

none - ya said...

My father has been a substitute teacher since he retired from the navy 10 years ago. I don't know how he deals with 30 different faces everyday. It would scare me shitless. 30 8 years olds just staring up at me, blinking there eyes and just waiting for their moment to pounce. I can give a presentation to 100 financial advisors, but I'm scared of 8 year olds. Mad props to you Brooke. Kick some ass sea bass.

JJ said...

I had a drill instructor just like you when I went through boot camp. He wasn't pretty, though, which made it even worse. Give 'em hell, SMG

the original marriedman said...

You can borrow me and I'll fucking kick their asses, literally.

Amy said...

I hated returning after a day out of the classroom to notes like that. I worked at an "at-risk" school and my darlings were not darlings for subs, unless it was one specific person. AHHH! I can sympathize and I'm glad I'm not them!

Cactus Prick said...

I'm still stuck on the gravel ???

darth said...

awww..you big softie, you. still read them their favorite book :)

Brookelina said...

Grand Poo - I got even more feedback today about what a twat he was. So bad that the AP requested that he not come back, so that says something.

MoMo -it's tough in this school. These are kids who have no role models whatsoever. They only behave for me because they love me.

Chuck - baby, I'm sorry. You must have gone to the wrong boiler room. Either that or someone got there first and took the gin....hmmmm

Spinning - oh do tell! I hope that the shame I put them through is at least on par with what you remember.

TRM - I am Maleficent! Feel my wrath you rotten little ankle biters!!

Blogsnob - blow it out your ass.

Weed - yeah baby!! What I need is to be tall like you, so I can really look down and see them quake in their teeny tiny socks!

Brookelina said...

Bill - yes, yes, and yes.

Monkey - I never thought you'd ask! Now I can say I spanked the monkey.

Chicky - I haven't worn black leather since the 80's.

Nick - I could see myself on the evening news for that one. It would almost be worth it.

Grand Poo - not only were they apologetic, they were begging to apologize to every teacher that had been interrupted by them. It was like a 12 step program.

Lou Reed - when I see you, I realize how important my job really is.

Jacob - only if you call me Ms. Wose. And wear very little.

Molly - maybe next time. If they live through this week.

Kallun - you can come be my assistant - but only if you call me Ms. Wose. And wear very little.

Brookelina said...

Ubie - I think you have rubbed off on me. Don't tell any of the guys, they'll read that in a sexual way.

FH - I think they like the rows already too! Dammit! Little shits.

Marel - I like how you put that. Show me the love kids....guilt them into behaving. Why didn't I think of that?

Mac - if your dad is ex-military, he can handle it. Though my sub was a grown man too. 23 six year olds have the ability to make any man cry.

JJ - you always say just the right thing. How's the heart love?

Boot - so you do the kicking yourself? Or do I have to put you on, like a superhero costume?

Amy - my school is at-risk as well. These are the poorest of the poor, the major behavior problems. Honestly, I worry if I don't start instilling values in them now, they will end up in prison someday.

Prick - how the hell did you ever pass the bar? I mean the bar exam, not the bar on the corner.

Darth - I know, no matter how mean I try to be, it just doesn't last. It's just not in me to be a mean person.

Fuck that blows.

Chuck Dawson said...

Well, if you think I'm going to fall for that one again you're wrong.
Unless you ask really nice or whisper in my ear... then I'll trust you one more time.

Spirit Of Owl said...

Did the kid who threw up eat alphabeti-spaghetti for lunch? If so, they might have been trying to help.

I'm glad you read them their favourite story. :)

Damien said...

Yes yes, may your dark reign of terror continue unabated. Great that you evened things out though with a book reading - kids can be such terros sometimes.

jiggs said...

It would have been a perfect day if one of them hadn't barfed on my alphabet carpet.

I like that. That needs to be immortalized.

gone said...

Or nothing. I'd traumatize your students.

Flounder said...

Maybe the kids acted up because they felt that you "back-burnered" them last Friday. Maybe they read your blog.

Marel Lecone said...

So, three of the kids received a good report. Oooooh, what torture for the others. From over here, I'm proud of the ones who did not succumb to the peer pressures of first grade!! Good for them.

Satan said...

do you want me to stop in and teach those little bastards a thing or two

a little fear might do wonders

i plan to provide a lot of fear

Monkey said...

"Stephanie's Ponytail" sounds fantastic! I'm going to the library tomorrow.

You traumatized that poor child until it heaved on your lovely carpet! (good job)

sunshine said...

And where were all these tattling teachers when the class was roaring past them in the hallway followed by the clueless sub?

I hope someone helped the sub!

Today I saw a class terrorizing a sub on the playground when she was trying to round them up from recess. No one would line up and they were basically being defiant and mouthy. I went over and got in their faces and did my best to scare the bejeebers out of them for a good five minutes. I told her if anyone gave her more trouble, to send them to me. None of them ended up being sent to my room so I hope it worked!

Oh I can't stand it when I come back from a day off and everyone starts telling these stories about what your kids did. Some of them seem to enjoy it.

I tell my students that if they're mean to the sub and I find out about it, they will get the usual consequences -- but three times over. That means if they miss recess one day with me, they'll miss it for three days or even a week for being mean to the sub.

I've also made my students write apology notes to subs, and make them read it out loud to the sub the next time he/she comes back to our school.

P.S. I LOVE the gavel idea and just might use it... if I can figure out where to buy one!

Melliferous Pants said...

"Stephanie's Ponytail" looks like the same illustrator as "Paperbag Princess". (I know entirely too much about children for someone who doesn't have them. I don't know why I don't become a teacher.)

gone said...

I don't know why either, mellif.

Join us or die.

Monkey said...

"Paperbag Princess" has always been one of my all time favorite books. I love it when she gives him the boot at the end. Calzone loves that book too, oddly enough.

CBT... I always WANTED to be a teacher, but I was afraid of the parents. I still am. Forgive me?

JJ said...

It's all yours, SMG.

Sizzle said...

awesome job :)

Anthony said...

Hah! Twat.

I'm glad you regained control, and I'm glad the very worst you had to resort to was a Disney villain(ess?)

I'm also glad to know if I was bad, you'd read me my favourite story if I appologised.

thephoenixnyc said...

Fact: Teaching = the hardest job in America. God bless you honey.

Brookelina said...

Chuck - whisper whisper whisper

Owl - I didn't look that closely, I was too busy gagging. I'm a sympathy barfer.

Damien - you have to balance the sweet with the sour. I learned that in culinary school.

Jiggs - I am honored that you feel my words are so special.

Jacob - screw them, this is all about me and my perversions.

Flounder - bite me.

Marel - at least I have a few good ones ...thank God.

Satan - I think just one look at you would cause a mass pants pooping.

Monkey - oh I wish! But she was actually absent the day of the horror, so she was happily reading in my little library with my other good ones when she decided to hurl all over the rug.

Sunny - no shit! I was fairly pissed that none of them offered to take some of the monsters off his hands. I always tell the subs to send me the bad ones. I learned a good lesson about this sort of thing - to put that in my sub plans!

Pants - it's the same guy! And now I must get Paperbag Princess! My kids adore Stephanie's Ponytail - they actually fight over who gets to read it.

Jacob - I think we must convert her. She needs to become one of us.

Monkey - you must read Stephanie's Ponytail. My kids absolutely shout out the words with me as I read "ugly ugly, very ugly!!" They love it!

JJ - oh if you weren't already taken...the things I would do to you. I mean for you. I mean with you. I mean...never mind.

Sizz - why thank you!

Anthony - of course I would. What's your favorite?

Phoenix - thank you sweetie. What a nice thing to say.

gone said...

So, you want a naked man in your classroom along with your students. You certainly are perverted.

Brookelina said...

Classroom? Who said anything about a classroom...

J to the fucking C said...

you'd better show this time.

The real me said...

Do they call you Drill Sergeant?

Alistair! said...

Oh Joy! I wish I could do that with my students...but they'd probably beat me up as they're adults. but you'd be suprised how much like wee kiddies they act in the classroom. You are definitely added to the links list.

Brookelina said...

Jesus - have I ever let you down?

TRM - they call Ms. Wose.

Alistair - yay!!! I love being linked!!!

Anthony said...

My favourite story is The Catcher in the Rye. Now all I have to do is be bad...

Cincysundevil said...

Somehow this post reminds me of my days in the Army .... I'll get you a drill sergeant hat to complete the effect

Claudia said...

Robert Munsch Rocks the Casbah.