Saturday, January 28, 2006

FFF #23

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There was someting a little bit quiet in the way she cried. Even when she was alone, her tears were silent, held back, withdrawn. But on this day in particular, she was more careful than ever to keep her tears in check. The tears were always for the same reason. Her broken heart. And this man who broke it.

He did it in a methodical manner over the course of many years. It was not a calculated endeavor on his part, it was just an extraordinarily high level of apathy. She knew right from the beginning that she could never count on him. He spent as little time with her as possible. He forgot her birthdays. If he did remember them, he often spelled her name wrong on the belated cards. He betrayed her trust, especially when she needed him most. He didn't take care of her when she was sick, even when the doctors thought she needed surgery. He made her feel like an afterthought, an annoyance even. His indifference was a constant source of agony - and it was this indifference that brought on the silent tears more than anything else. Each day he broke her spirit a little bit more. And still, she loved him so.

When she finally stood up to him and told him how she felt, he pushed her away. He did not fight to save the relationship - he did not fight for her. He simply shut down and tossed her aside. He just ...let her go. For a long time they did not speak. And although it was he who eventually reached out to mend the fence, things were never quite the same. It didn't really matter though, because things had never been right in the first place.

Her subsequent relationships have all followed this same pattern - indifferent men who treat her as if she is not worthy of love. She allows this. She has come to realize that this is the way things are for her. She knows she lacks the trust needed to make a relationship work. She knows she will never truly give her heart to anyone. She knows that no man would ever want someone so damaged, so completely fucked up. It would be a killing thing to live day in and day out with that apathy again... to be with someone who won't fight for her love... who never puts her first. Better to be alone...safe from the pain.

And so on this day, she listened to the stories of his life from his many different friends. She learned things about him she had never known, of how so many had loved and counted on him. It broke her heart yet again to know that he had given so much to everyone but her. Even in death, he was able to break her heart.

When it came time for her to speak, she was not sure she would be able to do it. She had to take several deep breaths as she held back the silent tears again. He never saw her cry when he was alive. She was not about to cry in front of him now, in the end. She put her game face on. Nobody wore game face better than she did. Years of practice had made her an expert.

She stood up and went to the podium.

"Before I say anything else, I would like to thank you all so much for coming to the service today and sharing all of these wonderful stories about my father........ "

She didn't cry. Not once.

22 comments:

Nick said...

wow.

Debby said...

OMG, Brooke, yours is soooo much better than mine turned out to be. I'm gonna back and starting over again!!

Sysm said...

Forget that no cuddling business. Here's your hug.

yournamehere said...

Yeah, I want to hang out with you now. We could smoke clove cigarettes and trade witty remarks. Or just get drunk.

J to the fucking C said...

Very nice.

Gorgs said...

Cloves? Are you going to wear a beret and read shitty poetry too?

J to the fucking C said...

I'd rather smoke a joint.

I knew some guys that used to smoke cloves and play D-n-D all night.

Bill said...

Wow ... nice surprise at the end. Makes it all make sense but isn't expected.

And yes, we both wrote little downers about love. Odd emotion.

Marel Lecone said...

My word . . . that was so sad. Indifference is a horrible thing.

Brooke, you wrote this so well. Thanks for sharing.

sandra said...

Amazing. And made me tear up.

Gnomey G said...

I did guess it was the father she was speaking of but that did not dampen my pleasure. I'd like to hear the rest of this eulogy--I have a feeling she would tell a lot of white lies so as not to make anyone, but herself, uncomfortable with how she really felt about him.

Übermilf said...

I want to go out and kick every bad father in the balls now.

JJ said...

That was extremely good.

none - ya said...

That story makes me feel bad that I have a father that loves me. I'm a little spoiled rotten brat. I'm thankful for it.

Bill the Apostle said...

very lovely.

Monkey said...

I cried because I knew who the man was from the first paragraph.

Monkey's Unloveable Human

sweet trini said...

even though i knew who it was, i loved this. makes me wanna rewrite my entry this week...
walk good.

Ruben said...

It's Monday and you have made me weep already. Damn you Brooke! LOL

Tuesday Girl said...

I am sorry.

Flounder said...

Sounds like bullshit to me (Just kidding, but I have no real reply to this post). I knew that it was Daddy in the box, though.

Egan said...

Brooke, thank you so much for sharing your story. I haven't much to say since I am an emotional basketcase recently. This story is tough to swallow, but tells so much about us as people. Take care.

MoDigli said...

Brooke ~ It's the heartbreak that never heals. It just leaves an empty space that can't be filled, although we do try to fill it up with lots of things. You're such an amazing person, and you know what? HE MISSED OUT!

I read your next post, too. You deserve to have that guy you're holding out for. Would going back to the ex continue that pattern you talked about in this post? If so, I think you should tell him to beat it! BTW, he isn't the same guy you talked about in your chef-backburner analogy, is he?