Tuesday, July 12, 2005

If I Were in Charge of the World: Part Two

This a continuing series on how I would make the world a better place if I were in charge. Ok, it's part two of two. So it's not really a series yet. If you would like to read Part One, click here.

If I were in charge of the world, lying would be a thing of the past. Sorry, that's a lie (Is there any doubt that I am a humorous and benevolent ruler). There would still be lying, but the consequences for liars would be very different. You see, in my world, lying would be handled by ME - with very strict rules. I have made things simple by classifying lies - and the consequences - into three simple categories.

Let's go over these together -

1. Lies on the Small Scale - LOSS.
These are the small lies, the inconsequential lies, often referred to as little white lies. The I don't want to hurt *name of recipient's* feelings types of lies. Examples of LOSS:

"Oh honey, I'm so glad your mother is coming to visit. I've missed her."
"Of course you dont look fat in those."
"You are soooo funny!"
"How did you know I wanted a vacuum cleaner for my birthday?"
"You were wonderful."

Clearly these are lies that only serve to please the other person. There will be no consequences for these - as long as your heart is in the right place(remember, I'm in charge, so I'll know if your heart is indeed in the right place). If your heart is not in the right place, the lie is moved to the next level.

Meet the next level -

2. Lies of the Medium Scale - LOMS.
These are more serious. Often people think they are using LOMS to keep from hurting someone else, but really they are using them to help themselves. Examples:

"Stop being so paranoid! She/he is just a friend. There is nothing going on!"
"Honey, they made me go to the strip club, and it would have been rude to not let her give me that lap dance."
"Oh you should definitely get your hair cut before your big date. Really short, guys like that. And don't shave your armpits, guys like that too."
"I don't know how my credit card got charged for all that internet porn! How do I know it wasn't YOU!"

These are self-serving, manipulative lies. They not only hurt others, but they are used to make others feel bad while the liar gets his/her way. These lies will result in consequences. As stated in Part One, liars will be subject to weight gain. Massive, instantaneous weight gain. Depending on the seriousness of the lie, a person could go from a size 4 to a size 24 in a matter of minutes. So if you are the type that sticks to a lie no matter what, be prepared to buy a second home for all your clothing.

And last we come to -

Lies on the Grand Scale - LOGS: These are the serious lies. The real whoppers. The ones that cause death and destruction and general mayhem. Examples of these would include:

"I don't recall selling weapons to Iran."
"Iraq poses an imminent threat."
"I never said Iraq posed an imminent threat."
"I don't see what's wrong with sleeping in a bed with little boys."

These lies go beyond weight gain. In my twisted sense of humor and logic, I have decided to employ one of the world's oldest expressions regarding lying in a literal fashion. I like to call it the liar liar pants on fire punishment. Yes that's right, when LOGS are uttered - the liar's pants will catch on fire. I know that doesn't sound like a major punishment, but once the pants go ablaze, the rest of the body will light up as well, ultimately resulting in spontaneous human combustion. In other words - *POOF* - liar no more. I originally wanted these liars to explode - but I thought that would be too violent for children to witness. Spontaneous combustion is quicker and neater and kind of cool to watch - and the small pile of ashes left over can be taken care of quickly with a Dustbuster.

This should pretty much wipe out the current administration in Washington. Actually, it will most likely wipe out politicians in general without regard for political affiliation. It will also take care of the majority of news reporters, many gossip magazine employees, various entertainers, and most of the CEO's and CFO's of the world's major corporations.

So if I were you, I would invest in stores that carry plus size clothing and cordless vacuum cleaners.


im here somewhere said...

are you refering to someone in particular brooke?
*checking to see if my pants are on fire*

nope not me.

yournamehere said...

My most frequently spoken lie is told to food servers: "No Coke? Pepsi's fine, then."
I fucking hate Pepsi.

Neil said...

I want to say something nice about that post, but I don't want to get into trouble with you.

Only kidding. You are super talented. I love your writin...ow! ow! my pants!

JJ said...

Ahem, you once said I was "so funny". How are your pants?

gone said...

This would open up many political seats for those people who can't help but tell the truth ALL the time. You know the ones I'm referring to. The ones who tell you how bad your breath smells, or how your face needs a good rearranging. However, what these people lack is tact. So, now we are faced with the issue of tactless politicians.

I smell a part three!

gone said...

And, boy! does it STINK!

Anonymous said...

Seems fair enough.

How do you view, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman"?

It didn't result in any death's but according to the right, Clinton is worse than Hitler for getting a BJ off an intern.

I'm going to open a new shop called Big, Tall and On Fire.

Brookelina said...

Lilred - you are about the last person I need to worry about regarding honesty.

Todd - I don't like Pepsi either. That one doesn't count.

Neil - your pants are not on fire, they are just too tight now.

JJ - I'm not wearing any pants.

Jacob - it's going to be a lot more fun in Washington when I take over!

Bob - that one is definitely not a Level 3, and I think we all saw the weight gain of Clinton while in office...sooooo......

Throw in a Dustbuster with each purchase over $500 and you will be a very rich man.

Anonymous said...

which lie have I told in the past month, and how serious was it?

a) yes it's ten inches
b) of course my draft of The Barber is complete and ready for submission
c) I'll call you next week and we'll get together for lunch and discuss it further
d) I really hate when you disrobe in front of me and pick up my ballpoint pen
e) all of the above

Brookelina said...

You need to go out and get some new clothes and WhiteBoyBob's Big, Tall, and On Fire shop.

Brookelina said...

and = at

Kallun said...

I have some conceptual difficulties with you philosophy. For example, is there any concession made for the Lie-ee (the individual being lied to) being gullible? I refer you to you example sentence where the person was giving advice about cutting hair short, and not shaving underarms...

Brookelina said...

If you are lying to someone because they are gullible just for the sake of your own enjoyment...then you too have to buy clothes at Bob's shop.

Of course, I'm making this up as I go along.

Gordy said...

Fantastic, I love this post. I definitely agree with the Pepsi/COke lie..I hate Pepsi!

im here somewhere said...

brooke, i am having confusing feelings about what you commented to me..*sniff, sniffle* do you not love me anymore? but, i thought we were going to be lovers and make out all the time???

*deleting all things brookelike, cause i cant take the pain*

Brookelina said...

Lilred - you are the most honest blogger I have seen on here! That was a compliment. Besides, you broke up with me when I wouldn't watch chick flicks with you.


Gordy - thank you!! You are soooo on my good side!

Glen Young said...

I really like your ideas on how to make the world better. Sounds like a cool place to live. Well thats it really.
Thanks for reading.

Lo Lo Lova said...

I'm waiting on Michael Jackson's pants to explode... And by "pants" I mean penis!

JJ said...

I think LilRed is trying to cut in on my SMG action.

I'm trying to imagine a world where you couldn't trick gullable people into doing stupid stuff. Would I even want to live in a world like that?

Brookelina said...

Glen - thank you too.

Lo Lo - Micheal Jackson's penis. Ewwwwwww!

JJ - I only have blogeyes for you.
And you are right, that world would not be fun. Let's say that as long as there is no long term damage to the gullible, then it will be considered a LOSS.

Lo Lo Lova said...

Brooke, I really don't know if he actually HAS a penis. But the word on the street is that it's spotted. WTF??? I guess since he cannot decide if he's black or white, he decided to mix it up in the nether-regions. You know, so that he can attract all races and nationalities... and not discriminate!

Anonymous said...

If I were in charge of the world I would do something that might be percieved as a bit tyranical by imprisoning all of these so called evangelical morons and republicans. Don't even get me started on what I'd do to white supremacists.

MoDigli said...

I'm laughing OUT LOUD!!! You have done it AGAIN. And I'm still fitting into the outfit I'm currently wearing, just so you know I'm telling the truth!

How soon after Bush spontainiously combusts can we vote for you? And can I be VP?


PS. Today I got Qatar! Once, way back in the early 90's, somebody stole my phone card and make $3000 in phone calls to Qatar and Kuwait! Hmmm... I guess this is their way of apologizing!!!????

Which brings me to this question:
What happens to theives when you will start running the world?

JJ said...

I would definitely vote the Brooke/Mo ticket.

In other news, Washington DC is in flames.

Brookelina said...

Lo Lo - the spotted penis! Great name for a biography of Michael the Molester.

Ruben - all of the people you mention are on the Dustbuster list.

Mo Mo - president? I will be in charge of the whole wide world! You can be president. As for Qatar, it's probably the same person trying to get your credit card info now!

JJ - you are the best SMG boyfriend.

Spirit Of Owl said...

So, when you commented on my blog recently, and I quote, "You are soooooo hot," are we looking at a category one... or worse? ;P

Brookelina said...

Owl, look at the picture that I commented on, and you tell me.

Brookelina said...

I just looked at the picture. Owl, you are hot!

Lo Lo Lova said...

I wish I could figure out how to copy and paste this picture. The title of the email is "Rapist flees with victim's vehicle" and it's a shot of "The Spotted Penis" on a tricycle with the cops chasing him. Good stuff!

Brookelina said...


I love google. I typed in Michael Jackson tricycle and there it was. LOL

Amanda said...

haha, that was awesome!!

MoDigli said...

what's an SMG boyfriend?

Brookelina said...

Thanks Manda!

Mo Mo - I am JJ's supermodel girlfriend. His SMG. So he is the SMG boyfriend. I was going to call him the SM boyfriend, but I was afraid that people would get the wrong idea.

joanne said...

Too funny! You know I love you, Brooke Bella! See my response to yours on phoenix's blog. I am not sure about Mickey, though. He might accuse cats of being an imminent threat and have them obliterated! Oh wait, I am allergic to cats so maybe that wouldn't be so bad.

JJ said...

Oh, yes, please don't call me the SM boyfriend. I don't look good in pleather.

Cactus Prick said...

First, AWESOME post. You are one witty babbler!

Second, LOMS is like Pinnochio on crack.

Third, I have another theory for spontaneous human combustion -- caused by friction while moving rapidly in courderoy (sp?) pants.

Brookelina said...

Jo - Mickey would never do that! And I bet Mickey can pronounce "nuclear" correctly.

JJ - You are not allowed to wear pleather.

Cactus - thank you! But Pinnochio on crack? That's just creepy!

MoDigli said...

SMG/SMB ~ You two are HOT HOT HOT!!! Be careful before you go spontaniously combusting from all that friction you're probably making.

so, Brooke - you're brookalina; and JJ must be Brad.


Anonymous said...

This is such a clever idea, I'm wondering if I can somehow include the "pants catching on fire" thing as one of my classroom consequences this fall?

Also, "tag," you're it. I tagged you in the "Cook Next Door" meme that's going around. Hope this is OK. For details, you can see the latest post on my site. Let me know if you don't want to play and if so, I'll nail someone else!

: )

Nick said...

Have you eve seen a strippers face when you decline a lap dance? It's like someone killed their puppy. I say yes out of the kindness of my heart.

darth said...

can't the LOGS thing have the weight gain AND the pants on fire?

JJ said...

I'm actually Joe Bob Brad, Brad's better looking, Nascar driving cousin from Arkansas. I'm also the top model in the Arakansan fashion industry.

Brookelina said...

Mo Mo - in the blog world, exactly.

Sunny - oh no, now you have gone and done it. Introduced me to cooking blogs!!!! I'll never get my fat ass away from the computer now.

Nick - you are such a humanitarian. And you need to head over to Bob's shop.

Darth - I like how you think. Interesting. We should work together.

JJ - you know me so well.

Übermilf said...

I was going to post a serious comment. But after LoLo's exploding penis remark, all I can do is picture the hot dog that I cooked too long in the microwave.

Lo Lo Lova said...

Another great visual, Ubi!

Brookelina said...

Yes, thank you both for the visuals - especially since I didn't post pictures. As usual, you have both made me spit my coffee out. I love you guys.

thephoenixnyc said...

What abolut the little lies that actually make people feel better?

Brookelina said...

That's a LOSS. No consequences!

Lo Lo Lova said...

Brookie, we love you too!!

Brookelina said...


I just had to add that to make it 50 comments.