Thursday, July 07, 2005

Big Red Letter Day

*Author's note: I did not write this. I was emailed this today, and while I'm sure it has been around and around in various forms on the internet, I still felt it was worth posting. It was apparently written by a very angry Californian. If this were to actually come to fruitition, I would immediately and permanently relocate back to Jersey. For a somewhat similar version of this that is not so kid-friendly, click here - Fuck the South.

Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the entire Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma, and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Elliot Spitzer.
You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty.
You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft.
You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard.
You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue.
You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.
You get a bunch of single moms (and deadbeat dads).

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at your state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools - plus Stanford, Cal Tech, and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson, and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you very much!

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11... and an astonishing 61 percent of you actually believe you possess higher morals than we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too.
You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,
Author Unknown in New California.

62 comments:

gone said...

This is very very funny. But the last thing we need is another Civil War. Revolution? Maybe.

Brookelina said...

Absolutely no war! Just a nice smooth secession.

gone said...

But those Red States will get pissed and pick up all those guns they like to own and come and get us.

Anyway, I'm just glad the Blues get to keep all the good pot. I was sort of freaking about that until I read it towards the bottom. The Reds can keep their meth labs and sell that crank to as many truckers and trailer trashers as they see fit.

Brookelina said...

True about the guns. But if we bring all our kids home from Iraq, they will have to replace them with their own. That should keep them busy for a while.

Egan said...

That's some good shit Brooke. Thanks for sharing.

evercurious said...

that was a good one. Thanks for the laugh. Can I come?

Harley Quinn said...

Very good post...thanks for sharing.

joanne said...

I live in a red state. We have green chile and Intel is here too. I guess Intel would have to split up somehow. The only problem I have with this kind of thinking is there are a lot of blue people in red states too. Just because the vote came out in favor of red, it doesn't mean that red states are full of only red people. But, putting together a letter like this sounds like something an angry blue would do (just my opinion). LOL.

Brookelina said...

Egan, ever, LA - glad you enjoyed!

Jo - I am well aware of that - remember, I live in Florida! lol So feel free to come live in the true blue states! And yes, can you blame the blues for being angry? Look at the mess the red has made!

gone said...

In a singsong voice...

"This is the mess! This is the mess that the Red has made! That the Red has made!"

If you didn't grow up in an evangelical sunday school, you may not get this reference. Sorry.

Übermilf said...

Also, we have "red" people in the blue states.

They may have them. We can organize an exchange, ours for theirs.

They may not fight; they think they're superior, so they might welcome our leaving.

This could work.

Lo Lo Lova said...

CBT: Let us rejoice and be glad

Brooke, my only comment is that I did not vote for Bush I and I did not vote for Bush II.

JJ said...

Living on a blue island in a red state, I say amen. I don't care that much Cali but I'll move to the new country the moment they draw the border line.

darth said...

can we bring canada with us too?

gone said...

Shit, let's just join Canada!

joanne said...

I actually adore FL. The winters there are wonderful. I don't like to think of people as being red or blue, though. I used to be red, I guess. Now I am just purple (something in between).

JJ said...

I hope as long as we're taking the good pot we legalize its use -- much to the chagrin of prison industry.

JJ said...

Yikes, I just thought of a problem. The difference in the election was only like 4% which means the red states are actually 46% blue. If all the blue people move to the blue states, it's to get crowded real fast.

Also, 4%? Not a mandate.

TrueJerseyGirl said...

Love this! And soooooo glad to be blue!

TrueJerseyGirl said...

And I just clicked through to F the South - and I laughed the entire time!!!

Ruben said...

Just let me know when to pack my things and move to the new world.

Brookelina said...

Jacob - I don't know that one. You are such an interesting character!

Ubie - I agree, a fair trade between nations.

Lo Lo - neither did I.

JJ - right there with you. And don't forget to shave.

Brookelina said...

Darth - absolutely!

Jacob - I have no problem with joining Canada, I just don't want to move there - it's cold!!!

Jo - it's good to have some moderation - come with us to the blue world.

JJ - I'm with you on the legalization, especially for cancer patients. That decision still makes me sick.

Jersey - that page cracks me up.

Ruben - the new blue world. Love it.

Sarah Liz said...

interesting

Major7 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Moviequill said...

Mr Angry Californian forgot they invented a little thing called The Interstate Highway System and at the same time the geniuses created Allied Moving Company, so the entire country is a hodge-podge (first usage of this word in '05 noted) mix of Red and Blue citizens... he may be sucking on a big Dunkin Donut's with sprinkles up there but the guy next to him just ate a dozen Krispy Kremes from Birmingham and say hello to your new neighbour. It is pretty assinine to think areas of the country are 100% one way or the other (except on matters involving Jacko)

Lester T. said...

for your information, canada is cold in the winter and hot in the summer (unless you live in a remote area), like it's supposed to be. you may join canada after you move all "red" canadians to the south, denounce all sports other than hockey, basketball, lacrosse and curling and promise to eat canadian beef.

Brookelina said...

Sarah - thanks, although I didn't write this. (However, I did make some grammatical corrections)

MQ - I'm sensing anger.

Lester - there will be no curling other than hair curling.

gone said...

Brooke - I hear BC is a temperate rainforest...no sun, but not that cold!

yournamehere said...

We'd better form our own country, because with elitism like that we'll never win another election.

Damien said...

Blue States versus Red States, hey i'd pay to see that on cable.

Damien said...

Blue States versus Red States, hey i'd pay to see that on cable.

Brookelina said...

Jacob - I've actually heard that BC is beautiful. BC it is!

YNH - let's face it, it's false elitism, we have absolutely no power in the world today.

Damien - that's a scary thought!

yournamehere said...

What I was getting at is that some of the "unwashed" red staters (in fact, some of the red states themselves) helped Bill Clinton win two elections. We need some moderates on our side or Jeb Bush will be our next prez. Lumping them in with snake charmers and daughter molesters won't help us.

I did laugh at it a little. I'm nothing if not a screaming hypocrite.

Brookelina said...

I will say that Jeb is more intelligent than George, but I still dislike him with almost the same intensity as I do his brother.

Then again, I'm starting to feel this way about politicians in general - no matter which side of the fence they reside on.

Lester T. said...

i forgot to mention that all american immigrants will be relocated to remote areas for a period of at least 5 years to get reacquainted with nature. did i mention that we live in igloos, don't have indoor plumbing and kill baby seals for food & clothing?

MoDigli said...

I wanna live in New Cali, too!

yournamehere said...

I come from two "red" states (Kentucky, Nevada), but two "blue" cities (Louisville, Las Vegas) within those states. I don't really have a point here. I just like to comment on Brooke's blog 'cause she's hot.

A. Estella Sassypants said...

I'm a true blue in a red state. I would love to be a true blue in a blue state, but I absolutely cannot leave the Mexican food in TX. Priorities and all.

Marel Lecone said...

Don't take me wrong. I guess one can find some humor in this. But, it sounds a little more angry than funny. It's sad, really. Sounds very discriminating. It's no wonder the world is in the condition that it is--if we all don't believe the same way in every area of living, there is a cessation of people. Well, those are my thoughts. Just being honest . . .

JJ said...

Regarding "Fuck the South", one look at the electoral map and you can see they aren't the only problem. The Southwest and Midwest folded like a house of cards, too. Like Louis Black said on the Daily Show: "We can't do anything that might scare Midwesterners."

It would be best to turn their hearts from hate and exclusionism and willful ignorance rather than seceed, I think. We start with NASCAR.

Brooke: The Brunei delegation is here with your plane ticket and harem name badge.

Neil said...

The best beaches? I live in Los Angeles. Has this person seen the junk that comes in over at Santa Monica?

And where would we put South Florida -- not exactly "red state" territory.

Plus, I sort of liked Opryland.

Mariangela said...

lol, great stuff.

Brookelina said...

Mo - of course you are coming!

Todd - much appreciated. You're hot too - great hair.

Andi - I can understand that. In this day and age we must keep our priorities in order.

Marel - this is a sarcastic letter. It's not meant to be taken seriously. I don't necessarily see anger in it as much as frustration. Some of the points are very valid (taxes especially) and I think it sort of sums up the shock that "blue" states felt when Bush was once again elected.

Brookelina said...

JJ - I don't get NASCAR. I just don't. Rednecks driving around in circles. Where is the entertainment in that?

Neil - I live in South Florida, and the red states can keep it - even though South Florida is a "blue" area. However, some of the most beautiful beaches in the country are in the Pacific Northwest, the MidAtlantic, and the Northeast. So I'll be quite happy with them.

Mari - as another South Floridian, you know what I mean!

Marel Lecone said...

OK, I'm back. Back to Florida--I am an original Florida girl. Beaches--have you been to the Panhandle?--snow white beaches. So beautiful. Regarding South Florida, born and reared in Homestead. Lived in the Keys. So great and untouched in alot of ways. Miss it all, really. Just want you to know that I can appreciate the post and the comments back. Take care.

On the same vein, have you read about the controversy with the red and blue hats with the W on it for Washington Nationals baseball team? http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/07/04/AR2005070401219.html You might find it interesting. Talk to you another time.

mcopeland said...

Ok, first I realize my comment is a minority. And I give credit to the original author for effort and research. And since I'm a "lazy" red-stater I have no intention of matching all the author's effort, since really the only correct way to do this is for both of us to stand up and scream at each other, until we either give out, or result to screaming "I'm rubber your glue. . ." But 2 minor points. I realize the intent is to show Blue good, Red bad. But if you want to take Intel & Microsoft, I'll be more than happy with Wal-Mart. Since they had sales almost 3x Intel & MS combined. And Opryland, come one, Opryland. When was the last time this person was in Nashville, the only thing left is a hotel. They build a huge shopping center over the park, it is gone. But we do have this small hole in the ground in Arizona, maybe you've heard of it, The Grand Canyon? Unless the point was that the Reds don't have a man-made gift from a foreign country. Of course there is a much larger man-made structure, Mount Rushmore. And really, Ole' Miss, come on, that's just an insult, GO STATE!

Brookelina said...

Marel - I'm glad you came back. And I read the article you posted. I have to admit, I couldn't bring myself to wear a red hat with W on it either. I guess that just goes to show how divided this administration had made this country.

MCopeland - Again, this is a sarcastic letter, not meant to be taken verbatim. I visited your blog, and I think it's safe to say that it is unlikely we would agree on anything. But I still appreciate all intelligently written comments, so thank you.

mwcopeland said...

wow, thanks for the visit. and you would probably be surprised about what we might/might not agree on. And yes I did get the sarcasim from the letter posted. Not so much from the fuckthesouth one, since let's face it was meant only to induce anger or allow for someone to vent. Which is often how topics are dealt with. It is much easier to deal with someone about a subject when both parties are angry/passionate. Since then it doesn't matter what you say, because you both, nonverbally agree, that neither of you are going to budge. So anyway, thanks for the laugh, since it is funny how we both can reach conclusions about each other from a few posts on the web.

Kid Sis said...

Brooke, still laughing. Thanks for making my day!!!! So tired of being the "minority."

im here somewhere said...

freekin right!!!
although, we do have alot of misquetos(why can i never spell that) in minnesota..
but, ill protect the pot.

Cincysundevil said...

That sounds so sweet ... trust me, I can't wait to leave this abyss of culture and learning known as Ohio. The Republicans can have it!

JJ said...

Brooke - NASCAR was once described to me as watching a bunch of over caffeinated drivers make a left turn.

So, yeah. I don't get it, either. Unless it really is the "maybe someone will die in a fiery crash" thing, but I hate to think that's the case.

Brookelina said...

DD - you are absolutely right. Thanks for coming back. I'll be sure to keep checking on your blog so we can see what we agree on. And if we don't, who cares? As long as we both have humor it's ok to disagree!

KidSis - me too! Though we don't seem to be around here.

Lilred - knew I could count on you.

Cincy - at least your governor isn't Dubya's brother.

JJ - you have made your SMG very happy.

im here somewhere said...

crap, i cant keep the pot. last time i smoked pot i had a one-night stand and i have given them up for july.

mcgibfried said...

everyone knows florida has the best beach on this planet..

the one that forms in my front yard every hurricane season!

Cactus Prick said...

Hey Brooke! Thanks for the shout-out on my blog. And for the link! And for the picture in the bikini ;-) But shouldn't you be fleeing the state right about now?

Brookelina said...

Lilred - stay away from the wacky weed.

McG - stay safe! Dennis is headed up the west coast!

Prick - or should I call you Cactus? I love your stuff...meaning your writing. I'll be sure to come back when I have some time to check out your older posts. Dennis hit here late last night, so all is well in South Florida now. Just lots of wind and rain, and ficus trees in our pools.

Evil Petting Zoo said...

just point me to the women and booze and i'm there....when do we move?

Brookelina said...

I knew you would show!

60! Woohoo!

The Dummy said...

This guy hit it right on. I've secretly wanted to have the Blue States secede ever since Butt Head got elected. Nice to have an open voice be listened to like this.

Brookelina said...

I totally agree. Go Blue!