If I Were in Charge of the World: Part Two

This a continuing series on how I would make the world a better place if I were in charge. Ok, it's part two of two. So it's not really a series yet. If you would like to read Part One, click here.

If I were in charge of the world, lying would be a thing of the past. Sorry, that's a lie (Is there any doubt that I am a humorous and benevolent ruler). There would still be lying, but the consequences for liars would be very different. You see, in my world, lying would be handled by ME - with very strict rules. I have made things simple by classifying lies - and the consequences - into three simple categories.

Let's go over these together -

1. Lies on the Small Scale - LOSS.
These are the small lies, the inconsequential lies, often referred to as little white lies. The I don't want to hurt *name of recipient's* feelings types of lies. Examples of LOSS:

"Oh honey, I'm so glad your mother is coming to visit. I've missed her."
"Of course you dont look fat in those."
"You are soooo funny!"
"How did you know I wanted a vacuum cleaner for my birthday?"
"You were wonderful."

Clearly these are lies that only serve to please the other person. There will be no consequences for these - as long as your heart is in the right place(remember, I'm in charge, so I'll know if your heart is indeed in the right place). If your heart is not in the right place, the lie is moved to the next level.

Meet the next level -

2. Lies of the Medium Scale - LOMS.
These are more serious. Often people think they are using LOMS to keep from hurting someone else, but really they are using them to help themselves. Examples:

"Stop being so paranoid! She/he is just a friend. There is nothing going on!"
"Honey, they made me go to the strip club, and it would have been rude to not let her give me that lap dance."
"Oh you should definitely get your hair cut before your big date. Really short, guys like that. And don't shave your armpits, guys like that too."
"I don't know how my credit card got charged for all that internet porn! How do I know it wasn't YOU!"

These are self-serving, manipulative lies. They not only hurt others, but they are used to make others feel bad while the liar gets his/her way. These lies will result in consequences. As stated in Part One, liars will be subject to weight gain. Massive, instantaneous weight gain. Depending on the seriousness of the lie, a person could go from a size 4 to a size 24 in a matter of minutes. So if you are the type that sticks to a lie no matter what, be prepared to buy a second home for all your clothing.

And last we come to -

Lies on the Grand Scale - LOGS: These are the serious lies. The real whoppers. The ones that cause death and destruction and general mayhem. Examples of these would include:

"I don't recall selling weapons to Iran."
"Iraq poses an imminent threat."
"I never said Iraq posed an imminent threat."
"I don't see what's wrong with sleeping in a bed with little boys."

These lies go beyond weight gain. In my twisted sense of humor and logic, I have decided to employ one of the world's oldest expressions regarding lying in a literal fashion. I like to call it the liar liar pants on fire punishment. Yes that's right, when LOGS are uttered - the liar's pants will catch on fire. I know that doesn't sound like a major punishment, but once the pants go ablaze, the rest of the body will light up as well, ultimately resulting in spontaneous human combustion. In other words - *POOF* - liar no more. I originally wanted these liars to explode - but I thought that would be too violent for children to witness. Spontaneous combustion is quicker and neater and kind of cool to watch - and the small pile of ashes left over can be taken care of quickly with a Dustbuster.

This should pretty much wipe out the current administration in Washington. Actually, it will most likely wipe out politicians in general without regard for political affiliation. It will also take care of the majority of news reporters, many gossip magazine employees, various entertainers, and most of the CEO's and CFO's of the world's major corporations.

So if I were you, I would invest in stores that carry plus size clothing and cordless vacuum cleaners.