Sunday, November 11, 2007

If I Were in Charge of the NFL

Ever since I was a little girl with four big brothers in the house, I have been a football fan. It's not like I had much choice. If you weren't watching football on Sundays in the fall at my house, you were persona non grata. My father, who worked six and a half days a week at his store, was always home in time for kick-off. My mother could, and still can, tell you the name and history of almost every coach in the league. We weren't one of those families that was obsessed with a certain team, or with the stats of the players, we simply enjoyed the game.

The game has changed over the years. Much more money is attached to it now, and the players (as a whole) seem more interested in calling attention to themselves than being part of a team. This is why I need to take over. Much like my "If I Were in Charge of the World" posts one and two, where I proclaim how I will clean up the world, it is now time for me to clean up the NFL. So here is a list of things that would change if I had Roger Goodell's job. Which I should.
  1. This battle between the NFL and Time Warner - over. Grow up assholes. Everything you both have is because of the fans. It is time to start catering to them and not to your own tremendous greed and massive egos. I don't care who is right, who is wrong, or who wants to be the first to bend over and take it like the men you claim to be. Let it go.

  2. The NFL and the team owners will cover the cost of their own stadiums - not the taxpayers. How the hell you have managed to convince cities to cover your costs is beyond me, but the buck stops here. Billionaires should pay their own bills.

  3. Players, I have a little reminder for you. Playing in the NFL is a privilege, not a right. You are an employee just like the majority of the population. You play for your team, the owner, your coach, your fans, and the NFL. You are answerable to others. The team, the owner, your coach, your fans, the NFL - they all have the right to question your actions - on and off the field. You are lucky to be getting paid to do the job you do. You are role models to children. You need to start stepping up and acting like it. If you would like an example of how to be a class act on and off the field, then study this man carefully. If you do not like the fact that people have expectations of your behavior, then get another job. You have college degrees, finding another job should be a piece of cake.

  4. In continuing with the concept discussed above, players will sign a very stringent "Code of Conduct" clause attached to their contracts for behavior on and off the field. Oh I know there is one now, but it doesn't seem to be working very well. So here is the deal. If you do not follow the Code of Conduct, you are fired. Period. No review. No fine. No long tedious examining process. Breaking the Code is like breaking your contract. You break it, you buy it.

  5. You cheat - you're fired. Period. Bye bye Belichick. Enjoy life in the private sector.
That's all for now. I'm sure I'll think of more as the season continues.


Übermilf said...

I didn't read this.

Scarlet Hip said...

You've got spinach in your teeth.

yournamehere said...

Can someone also punch Belichick in his smug face? Repeatedly?

All Mod Cons said...

I've never seen the NFL, and know absolutely nothing about it. However, this sounds remarkably similar to "professional" footballers over here (I guess you'd call them "soccer" players). They're on about 100,000 plus per week. 99% of them are utter c****. And don't even get me started on their attitudes/commitment when they turn out for the national team. Grrrr!

Nance said...

Honey, I totally agree, esp. about Belichick, who we couldn't wait to get rid of here in Cleveland. I hate him. And please let me be the fashion consultant when you run things over at the NFL. I've already covered it at The Dept. many posts ago.

Anonymous said...

Preach it, sister. Amen.

Dan-E said...

it doesn't surprise me how any billionare owner, regardless of sport, can talk a local government into helping pay for a stadium since they are billionares. it's still kinda retarded, though.

as for the code of conduct, i think we're seeing a new era of enforcement with the new commisioner roger goodell, who issued suspensions to guys like pacman jones, tank johnson, and most of the cincy bengals with little resistance from the player's union. knowing that, i think nfl players are giong to be more leery of commiting off-field felonies (or they may be more smart about covering their tracks).

still, idiots like those guys are the exception. 90% of the guys who play are generally good guys who don't carry guns, drive drunk, beat women, or shoot up strip joints.

CP said...

How DO they get the taxpayers to pay for these stadiums? It's like...whoring almost. Without the gratification or condom.


yourflounderhere said...

You are killing me.

I wanted so badly to blast you and say that a woman's role in football is to bring me beer and wings while I watch the game, to call you a hypocrite for being such a liberal AND someone against spending my tax money, and to also remind you that Favre was a pain pill poppin Packer just a few years ago, but then I read the following:

Bye bye Belichick.

I am now sitting alone on a train in a full state of arousal with no way to "release".

I think I love you.