Sunday, November 25, 2007

Mmmm Mmmm Gross

natalie dee

I decided early on that I was going to try something different with my Thanksgiving dinner this year - I was going to experiment with some new recipes. Now as some of you know, in my former career I was a professional chef. I have always been one who made every single aspect of my Thanksgiving meal from scratch using only the best and freshest ingredients. But this year I decided that I was going to attempt some tried and true recipes that the everyday people of my country seem to swear by with a vengeance. So I spent the better part of the week before Turkey day trolling the internet for classic recipes for Candied Yams, Corn Puddin', and Green Bean Casserole.

I decided to steer clear of the "chef" sites such as FoodTV and Martha, and instead wanted to find the delights that the typical housewife in America was sharing with her compatriots. The recipes required ingredients that as a former professional chef I thought I would never use in my lifetime, but that made it even more exciting for me. For example, I actually purchased canned yams this year. Up until now I had never even seen a canned yam. The texture was one I had never encountered before in any of the food groups. However, after suitably mashing them to a pulp, drowning them in maple syrup and brown sugar, and then covering them with the required mini-marshmallows - I had the all-American candied yams I have heard so much about. They were indeed a tasty treat. Thank you Linda from Albuquerque.

The corn pudding casserole from Dawn in West Virginia was also a hit. I appreciate her boldness in not holding back on either the butter or the sour cream. There is still quite a bit left in my refrigerator and by Monday the consistency should be just perfect for spackling my bathroom. I did use my own recipes for sausage and mushroom stuffing, garlic mashed potatoes, and cranberry sauce only because they are so ingrained in my head that looking up other recipes for them would have been a waste of time. Also certain family members would have beaten me to death with frozen drumsticks if I messed with those recipes. But - I did buy two cans of "cranberry jelly" for my nephew - who ate both of them before the meal was even served. I searched wildly for new ways to roast Mr. Turkey, but most of them were just variations of the same theme, and basically all would have resulted in a bird that would be so overcooked that the breast meat could be served next year as turkey-jerky. I chose to stick to my own method for the bird.

I have to admit my excitement when it came time to make the world famous green bean casserole that I have been hearing about throughout my lifetime. Yes, you read that correctly. I have never made, eaten, seen, or smelled the casserole that consists of canned green beans, cream of mushroom soup, and French fried onions. I have always made fresh green beans almondine, or broccoli with lemon butter, or grilled asparagus with a citrus marinade, or a lovely display of fresh cut vegetables to nibble on during the big feast. I admit I was ecstatic to simply dump three ingredients into a casserole and be done with it. I felt so American, so womanly, so a part of things. I now was a true member of the American culture that is Thanksgiving.

And may I say OH. MY. GOD. I haven't been this disappointed in the tastes of the American public since the axis of evil took over the White House. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you people. It was the most disgusting mass of grossness in the history of ickiness. It was a pimple on the ass of my perfect meal. It was a horror show in the midst of dulcet loveliness. It was shock and awe of Bush proportions.

Never again will those ingredients be welcome in my home. Never! Thanks for nothing Tammy in San Antonio! Good day to you, Tammy! I said good day!


Übermilf said...

While I admit to eating it and having it at my Thanksgiving meal, I must say I haven't enjoyed green bean casserole since I was a kid. It's color is rather yucky, too.

But that corn pudding recipe was awesome and I've been eating it for breakfast.

Justin said...

Never had green bean casserole either. I don't think black folks do casserole.

Hypersonic said...

Oh Gross!!! That'll teach you. I'm going to try a Thanksgiving Dinner next year and see how Brazilians like them, I shall now steer clear of everything that you mentioned was icky. The broccoli with lemon butter sounds scrumptious.

Sizzle said...

don't you know by now not to trust the american public?? not just on food!

green bean casserole is blech!

miss kendra said...

i will never get to eat these items due to my allergies... but i can't say i'm terribly disappointed.

thank you for reminding me why.

Princess of the Universe said...

I grew up with green bean casserole. I made it a year or so back and was surprised at how much I hated it.

yournamehere said...

Tammy from San Antonio also uses her teeth way too much.

Susie said...

Green bean casserole would NEVER be allowed in my family's household and I've never had it either. My mom made green beans with carmelized onions and mushrooms. Yummm.

Scarlet Hip said...

Ubie - I have been eating corn pudding all day. I suspect I'll be spending most of tomorrow in the bathroom, and not spackling.

Justin - black folks don't do casseroles? I can't believe that!

Hyper - anything tastes good with lemon butter. Except maybe waffles.

Sizz - it's double blech!

Scarlet Hip said...

Kendra - if I could magically make your allergies go away, I would. Then you could eat all my fattening food.

Princess - at least now I can say it's disgusting and be speaking from experience.

Todd - that's not really an image I needed to have at this time.

Susie - it will never be allowed in my home again either! Go Mom!

Melliferous Pants said...

Phew! I thought the tuna/mac/casserole masses brain washed you.

Valley Girl said...

LOL!!! "I haven't been this disappointed in the tastes of the American public since the axis of evil took over the White House." I love you.

Justin said...

Yeah. No to casserole, but yes to chitlins - Excuse me, chitterlings.

Not for me though.

jiggs said...

tammy is such a bitch!

Jo said...

Brooke, you forgot jell-o with vegetables suspended it. It's almost as good as the green bean shit.

Think Frustrated said...

Yeah, I hate green bean casserole, too. My dad is a chef, so I have much more refined tastes. No cranberries in a can, no stove-top stuffing. I prefer some of the things you mentioned making in the past. Cream of mushroom soup is actually weasel puke that is put in a can. Gross.

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

I've only recently seen green bean casserole but I've never eaten it because I claim an allergy to mushrooms. Really it's just an allergy to the smell, sight, and taste of mushrooms but no one has to know that.

Real Live Lesbian said...

I want to come to YOUR house next year. Sounds fabulous (except for the bean yuck)!

Catherinette Singleton said...

Ugh, the stuff is just so nasty! Why ruin perfectly good green beans with cream of mushroom soup? Why??

Nance said...

Potatoes--from a CAN--and marshmallows. Tell me someone didn't do THAT on a dare and pull a major fast one on the public.

Sigh. It's just SO sad.

Never had it, never will. It's not food, it's...wrong.

Scarlet Hip said...

Pants - nevah!

Valley Girl - right back atcha.

Justin - I've actually never had chitlins. I don't really know what they are. Please don't tell me.

Jiggs - and according to Todd, she's a slut too!

Jo - oh no, I have to draw the line somewhere.

Jacob - I'm a chef too, which is why I had never had any of those foods before. But I felt it was my duty to at least try what everyone else seems to love. My mistake.

Scarlet Hip said...

Big Momma - you are a genius. I never thought to pull the allergy card.

RLL - you are certainly welcome. Trust me, there will be no green bean casserole within 100 yards of the place.

Catherine - where were you last week when I needed you!!

Nance - actually it was quite tasty. Who knew?