Thursday, March 09, 2006

Welcome To My Meltdown


I have no idea what to write. My head is swimming in a pool of fog. I don't remember ever being this tired before...like if I went to bed and didn't set my alarm I might not wake up until next week. Seeing straight is a concept, not a reality. My feet are numb. The fear gripping my chest is like a vise. Is this what it is like to have a complete and total meltdown?

The last couple of weeks I have spent a great deal of my former blogging time with my mother. She has numerous health issues at the moment, the worst of which is a disc pressing down on the nerves of her spine. It's difficult for her to do the simplest of things without mind blowing pain. I try to do as much as possible for her, but it never seems to be enough - especially to my brothers. But I digress - and they can fuck themselves.

Yesterday she had surgery to help fix her back problem. I spent 12 hours at the hospital. Have you ever noticed that it is far more exhausting to sit in a hospital for 12 hours than to say....bike for 100 miles? It's true. I've done both. I looked like hell when I was there due to stress and lack of sleep, which sucked since the doctor was kind of hot. Not that I care about meeting a doctor when my mom is in pain. I don't. If I did I'd have made an effort. He barely looked at my face anyway - he kept staring at my feet. Maybe he liked my toe ring and French pedicure. I'm making no sense. I know this. Dr. Hot said he was pleased with the results. She was fine after the surgery, more lucid than I am right now. Everything seemed great.

Last night she spiked a fever of 102.

Today she barely knew I was there.

I'm afraid to go to sleep tonight. If I go to sleep tonight something will happen to her. I just know it. If I stay up, she'll be ok. So I just need to stay awake. Even if I am so tired I can't see straight. I need to make coffee. Coffee will get us through this.

I'm making no sense. I know this.

54 comments:

Danny said...

Good luck kiddo.

I say kiddo because you are older than I am, and it makes me feel cool. I am not cool, this I do know, but I like to think that I am. It's all part of my plan to take over your bed as ruler.

Anyway, best of wishes.

jiggs said...

You'll make it through and when you do, I'll be on the other side with a big yaaaaayyyyyy for you.

MoDigli said...

Oh boy. I'm sorry to hear all this news. Surgeries and health issues are the toughest thing to go thru - and ironically, a lot of times they're tougher on the support people than they are on the patient!

I hope you've taken some extended time off at work so you don't completely wear yourself out.

BTW, it's okay to nap right by her side! You'll hear all the bells and whistles if they happen to go off because you won't be sleeping that soundly anyway! But at least it will be some kind of rest. It's okay to take care of yourself, too, y'know!

Hang in there. Lots of positive vibes coming to you from San Diego!

Dana said...

I know what you mean about hospitals being exhausting. So sorry you are going through all of this. But it’s great that your mom got through the surgery with good results.

Spinning Girl said...

Hi, just stopping by to say I too have been sick & not into reading, but next week when I am on vacation I will come back & read all I have missed! xoxox SG

miss kendra said...

you will make it through this, and while i have to go out for a little bit, if you want to chat later, we can.

email me.

Brookelina said...

Danny - I love that even when I am full of self-pity - you still want to fuck me.

Jiggs - will you wear a skirt? With no panties?

MoMo - you are the best of the best. Guess what? I'm going to your advice and snooze right next to mom. Maybe the nurses will bring me jell-o too.

Dana Lynn - thank you so much. I just hope she makes it through the recovery.

SG - I haven't been around much either girlie. I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. We'll play catch up when things are back to normal.

Miss K - thanks sweetie. I appreciate that.

Bill said...

Good grief ... I don't know what to say. But go to sleep even though I know exactly what you mean about being afraid to go to sleep because ... But go to sleep anyway. If you don't get some rest you'll start barking and walk into walls.

Hope your mom's fever is a passing thing. (And while you were not making sense it all made sense. Y'know?)

Brookelina said...

Bill - I'm spending my evening reading blogs and writing stupid comments to try to pull myself out of this meltdown. So far so good. Got anything to drink?

jake said...

i love you, Brooke.

I hope comes together soon.

I am wishing you well.

Knitty Kitty said...

T.T. I love you!
I'm sorry, I know this is really hard... I'll be thinking about you!

Danielle said...

that is just heartbreaking to read. you will be in my thoughts... wishing you and your mom all the best.

Nick said...

I've got you and your mom atop the pate. Everything will be fine.

Brothers are douchebags.

bob said...

so what if it was my only thought?

jiggs said...

nick, why do you have people on top of your pate? Is duck liver soothing?

Brooke: of course, I'll wear a skirt and for you, no panties.

Bill said...

I'll be eating shortly (I tend to eat late) and will likely have a Cabernet Sauvignon as it is sitting on the counter asking to be enjoyed. This, too, may lead to barking and walking into walls.

yournamehere said...

I still want to fuck you too, Brooke.

ChickyBabe said...

Hang in there Brooke. And remember you need to look after yourself as well.

*hugs*

Übermilf said...

It's driving you crazy because there's nothing you can do but wait, nothing you can do to make her better...

There's no reason to think it's anything other than an easily treatable infection.

Nick said...

Jiggs - Did you see an accent mark? cause I didn't.

Todd - Classy, bro.

Brookelina said...

Jake - love you too. Is your girlfriend going to kick my ass now?

Knitty - I am loving your new picture. Love you too TT.

Dani - thanks. Jersey girls rule.

Nick - make sure my brothers stay below the pate.

Bob - did you just have another thought? Did that hurt?

Jiggs - will you serve duck liver pate while you cheer for me?

Bill - I think you need to record the barking. I smell an audioblog. (smell an audioblog?)

Todd - clearly self-pity is a highly fuckable quality. I should have tried this years ago.

Chicky - you are absolutely right. Tomorrow I am going to work out. Or drink. I haven't decided yet.

Ubie - must you always hit the nail on the head so quickly and succinctly? It makes the rest of us look bad.

Nick - I like that you are responding to my comments. Please continue.

jake said...

she'll probably just kick my ass.

Jill said...

i've been there, thinking that while my father was in the hospital i needed to stay awake the entire time. eventually, you just pass out. and eventually, you wake up again. and moments later, you remember that you're supposed to be worried. hang in there, and keep a soft pillow nearby.

Dan-E said...

hang in there brooke. we'll all say a little prayer for you. and if all else fails, try drinking youself into a stupor. it works. so i hear.

Mone said...

Best wishes for you and your mom. Hope everything is gonna be allrigth. You are strong. You are just as strong as you have to be...

Neil said...

Thinking about you... hope you get some rest tonight...

Girl With An Alibi said...

Makes perfect sense to me. I'll say a prayer for your mom. And for you .... and Dr. Hot.

kerri said...

delurking to say that i hope your mom is better soon. hang in there.

Flounder said...

First, I'm glad to hear that your mom's surgery went well.

Second, I agree. Fuck your brothers. It's easy for them to criticize when she is with you, not them.

Third, not to be critical, but the Maloney's Bike-A-Thon doesn't count as biking for a hundred miles.

And finally, my advice to you is to start drinking heavily!

Love ya, babe!

katarina said...

I'll be thinking and praying for you and mom.
I hope you get some sleep.

the Caitlinator said...

Your mom is very lucky to have you around. All my best wishes to you both.

none - ya said...

You make perfect sense. Remember to breathe. Remember we are here for you if you need us. We love you Brooke.

Egan said...

As Mackenzie stated, you are making perfect sense Brooke. Best of luck with everything. I'm actually at a loss of words. Take care.

Sizzle said...

you are making the best of sense under the worst of circumstances.

please take care of yourself!

xo, sizz

FindingHeart said...

Brooke, You get a medal for sticking out the hospital time for so long lately. Just having you there, whether she's awake or not, you mom benefits from your presence. Get some sleep and heal yourself as well. Prayers going your way. Peace!

solethoughts said...

Somewhere there's some good in all of this. I know it. I hope all gets better sooner rather than later.

Bill said...

Did you get some sleep? Rest? (Not the same thing.) What happened with your mom's fever? Are you okay? (Well, in Brooke terms.)

What do audioblogs smell like? (I'm thinking probably something with a chemical quality to it, sort of like a TV dinner.)

sleepydog said...

My only thought in reading this blog is how fortunate your family & friends are to have someone as loving, as caring, as devoted and faithful as you are in their lives. You think you're a fucking mess, but I think you're a fucking angel.

babyjewels said...

Brooke, I read this at work and couldn't comment. I am thinking of you and I'll say a prayer for you and your mom tonight. Hang in there, I agree with sleepydog. You are an angel.

babyjewels said...

with a sweet pooper.

crabcake said...

Aw. I'm sorry, Brooke. Hang in there. You and your Mom are in my prayers.

I'm real aware of how tiring it is to be waiting around the hospital. When my mom died we had to be there all the time for weeks. It was bad.

Everything you're feeling is par for the course when you're going through this kinda crap.

Hopefully they'll get your Mom's fever down and she'll be doing well soon. You should get some rest if you can.

Übermilf said...

What happened?

Brookelina said...

She seems to be doing better. She knew it was me today and actually ate some jell-o and soup. Just keep a good thought everyone. I can't tell you how much it means.

I promise to stop being such a whiny little prig and get back to entertaining soon.

I'm wearing a towel as I write this.

Bill said...

Oooh ... Brooke in a towel. That's exciting.

Glad she's doing better. And yes, only good thoughts. (Even if I am a little tipsy from wine.) Hope this doesn't sound like I mean it only as a joke. I don't.

Bill said...

By "she" I mean your mom - I glad she's doing better. And I hope you're feeling better (rested and so on). And now I hope someone will pull me away from the freakin' keyboard before I make a bigger ass of myself ...

Lucky said...

I hope all is well!!Take care!!!

Danny just do it. said...

Hi there.

Princess LadyBug said...

Brooke, lots of good thoughts headed your way. Keep us posted.

And I think the number of comments proves that you don't always have to entertain us. Just be real. We like that too because we like you. Some of us more than others. Just how many guys have offered to fuck you in the last few days?! :P

joanne said...

Poor Brookie, you need a vacation.

jiggs said...

I'll serve you some pate and I'll totally be freeballing under my skirt.

The real me said...

I promise to stop being such a whiny little prig and get back to entertaining soon.


No... this is real.
We like real.

Melliferous Pants said...

If we lived closer we could have a meltdown together! Or a drink, your choice.

sandra said...

I think it all makes perfect sense. It's the random stuff that crosses your mind when the important things in your life are in clusterfuck land. Hope your mom is doing better!

Thérèse said...

I realize this is later rather than sooner, but I want you to know I was thinking about you all day when I read this.

(retroactive hug)