Sunday, November 13, 2005

Bumping Uglies: Part Deux

This is for Kris, who has just celebrated her birthday and is hiding from the world to recover. Not long ago she posted a meme about shamefully shaggable men. In other words, celebrities you would shag even though you are too embarassed to admit it in public. I have admitted to being shamelessly shallow when it comes to fantasizing about celebrities. Name a celebrity, if he's hot, I probably want to do him. So I did the meme, but I did not follow the rules, which is very typical of me. Instead, I did the I don't care how rich, famous, or powerful you are, I wouldn't do you unless there was a gun pointed at my dog meme.

But today I was watching football, as I always do on Sundays, and I found my shamefully shaggable man. I don't know what it is about him. He has freckles. He has a perpetually bad haircut. He wears a thick gold chain and a visor. He makes facial expressions that only a mother could love. But still, he makes me hot. So Kris, this one's for you. I present you with:


Jon Gruden
Head Coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
and dead ringer for:
Chucky

Psychopathic Synthetic Serial Killer

I'm so ashamed. Happy belated birthday, Kris.

62 comments:

Kris said...

I cackled - NAY, I GUFFAWED - at this! You could not have given me a better birthday present.

A number 1) oh no you didn't call him a synthetic serial killer. This is CLAAAAAASIC! Too good not to be read by every last reader visiting Al Gore's Internet. Seriously.

B number 2) more perfect comparison photos do not exist. Holy crap - every detail, down to the mouth.

This is reason enough to take the sunglasses off and re-enter society. (Or maybe put the sunglasses on?)

Brookelina said...

I can not take the credit for the comparison. Yes, I picked the photos, however the comparisons between Jon and Chucky have been going on for years. And let me make it very clear that it is Jon that I am hot for, and not Chucky.

Glad I made you laugh. It's really getting to the point now where I just want to blog about everything that pops into my head. I need a life!

Neil said...

Tampa Bay Buccaneers? Are they a rock group?

If we ever got married, what am I supposed to do every Sunday while you sit there on your butt all day watching idiotic sports shows? Serve you lemonade?

Calzone said...

Hey whats up Gruden fucker?

Brookelina said...

Oh why do I keep finding men who don't appreciate the game of football? Neil, you will not have to serve me lemonade. It's a football game - you'll serve me beer.

And chicken wings.

Brookelina said...

Not much dickless. How's things with you? Get a job yet?

Loser.

Calzone said...

damn that hurt

Brookelina said...

You are so into me.

Calzone said...

Baby you don't even know.

Brookelina said...

Well slap my ass and call me Shirley!

Marel Lecone said...

No way! You are too much!! heehee It must be the football in him, right? :)

Übermilf said...

I'd like to use Calzone as a football.

Just to punt him. Hard.

Dan-E said...

hehehe this is awesome. i've known other girls who have this sort of reaction to a football coach. i knew one girl who had a crush on gruden back when he was still in oakland.

there was this other girl who wanted badly to jump bill cowher of pittsburg. that was odd.

Brookelina said...

Marel - maybe it's the power. I don't know. All I know is I watch the games straining to get a look at him the whole time.

Uber - I think that might turn him on.

Dan - oh wow, is it the coach thing? I did used to have a crush on Pat Riley back when he was way hot wearing those Armani suits....

Zombie Lou said...

Lou Reed is dry. He wonders if Brooke is holding...

Bill said...

I don't know ... whenever I see that guy I think "hemorrhoids." But maybe that's what you're into? Anyway, I think if he ever gets the sphincter thing cleared up, I see him as a Sunday morning evangelist. Or on one of those CNN politics shows. I think either is a good career move for people with anger management issues. And he certainly looks like a guy who spends a lot of time being really cross.

But what do I know? Football ... that's the game with a lot of big guys and grunting, isn't it?

The real me said...

I always suspected you were very, very disturbed.

JJ said...

The resemblence is eerie. Oh, and I just lost a lot of respect for you.

The Moviequill said...

I'd rather do Chucky..cause I may get like three wishes or something after

Melliferous Pants said...

Are you saying you WOULDN'T f Chucky?

Sizzle said...

chucky! man, that is frightening.

thephoenixnyc said...

You're hot for CHUCKY. This gives me hope.

Crazy Dan said...

Who wouldnt wanna get it on with Chucky.

Brookelina said...

Lou Reed - you are a tool.

Bill - think what you want. I'd still do him.

TRM - come on. He's hot!

JJ - thank you very little.

MQ - you can have Chucky. He's all yours.

MP - yes that's what I'm saying. You and MQ can fight it out for him.

Sizz - not Chucky!!! Gruden!!!!

Phoenix - oh please. Like you need help in that area.

Crazy Dan - fight it out with MQ and MP.

Zombie Lou said...

Tool or not, Lou Reed needs a fix. Hook him up.

Marel Lecone said...

This post is now so wrong. You poor thing, you've had to defend yourself in saying "No, he looks like Chucky! I don't want to do Chucky!!!" So funny. heehee :) Just bring Viggo back, I guess. :)

Brookelina said...

Lou - head over to Nick's blog. He's the one with the drugs. He's very secretive about it. You'll need the password. It's "Nick is a needledick bugfucker." Say that in his comments and he'll give you all the drugs you want.

Marel - I know!!! My next post will be Viggo. Viggo Viggo Viggo.

Brookelina said...

And I notice that not one of you admitted who your shameful shags are!!!

im here somewhere said...

*sigh*

potzie
( i dont know if i spelled that right.)

Brookelina said...

Thank you lilred!

Potzie? Seriously?

Monkey said...

I've never seen this man before, but that you would admit to shagging him if the opportunity arose, is another testament to your bravery and indominatable courage.

My shameful shag? Jane Goodall.

Brookelina said...

I appreciate that Monkey. He's actually quite adorable. I guess I go for those beer swilling truck driving football types. You know, morons.

I'm thinking you will have less competition for your shameful shag than I will have for mine. For that I'm grateful.

Calzone said...

I used to think about screwing Potzie. Sometimes I still think about Potzie doing Mr. Cunniningham from Behind and Chachi is tied up in the corner crying.

I think about that a lot. Thanks lilred, I thought I was wierd.

Calzone said...

Okay someone say something.

Calzone said...

this is getting awkward.

Brookelina said...

Freak. I broke up with you. Are you stalking me?

RicknCalif said...

what would be more embarressing at gruden's place when he invites ya over Brookie.
#1 To run out of toilet paper.....or #2 to drop the new roll into the bowl. #3 to see his collection of chucky dolls in his bedroom. or #4 to actually be able to perform sexually with a bunch of chucky dolls glaring at ya....how we ponder the useless things in life.

Monkey said...

Calzone is totally stalking you. He mumbles about your breasts and popsicle in his sleep. It's disconcerting.

Brookelina said...

Rick...you should consider medication.

Monkey - that is extremely disconcerting. I feel so ....dirty. I need to go loofah.

Monkey said...

Loofah and then a nice exfoliating hydro acid should do the trick. It's what I do.

RicknCalif said...

Medication would be good...got any Zantac, Sudafed and Viagra :oP

Brookelina said...

I was going to change my profile pic anyway. I think this one is way too sexy and suggestive.

Acid? It doesn't dry your skin out? I hate that scaly feeling.

Brookelina said...

Rick - the bloggers on my list are a virtual pharmacy (or streetcorner) of various medications. I'm sure someone will hook you up.

Monkey said...

You can follow the acid up with a heavy duty moisturizer. It's all a scam by the cosemetics industry. Have you noticed that they recommend shampooing every day, and then you have to condition to "repair" over shampooed hair?

And then there are the exfoliants the acid cleanser things, that after you strip the first layer of your skin off, you have to "replenish you natural oils" by slathering on unnatural oils...

But I rant...

Monkey's Human

P.S. Monkey says your avatar is way HOT and he worries for your moral compass.

Brookelina said...

Monkey's Human - you can rant anytime. And since I have you here there is something I have been meaning to discuss with you....


Australia!!!! Ok. So here is my story - the short short version. I went there in 1990 to see a boy (isn't it always a boy) that I had met while backpacking in Europe. He turned out to be a jerk. Shocker, I know. I thought I was going for a three month visit. I stayed two years. It was fabulous. I lived in Manly Beach for the majority of the time with a five surfers, three cats and two dogs. I worked at a cafe on the Corso and had an all-around fabulous life. I fell madly in love with a beautiful boy but alas, things didn't work out. I would go back tomorrow if I could.

I plan on blogging about my adventures there but I get all veklempt when I try. Your turn!

The real me said...

MANLY Beach?
Sounds like paradise!

Brookelina said...

TRM - you have no idea.

Calzone said...

Hey...I think you and Monkey's human had the same boyfriend!!!!

Monkey said...

Brooke...

I went to Australia for a boy also. 1988: We met in Indonesia where we both working on dive boats. I went back with him to Australia where we continued to work on boats. He lived in Cronulla, but his parents had a farm in Kangaroo Valley and another place up north near Cairns. I couldn't stay for two years because of my visa, so I stayed for six months, came back to the States for a month, went back and so on for nearly two years.

He would come here during the off times. It was wonderful and of course I loved everything about Australia. The farm was beautiful and we used to go down there quite a bit.

I loved Manly Beach, so much fun! There used to be a really good Indian Restaurant there where you could sit on pillows and smoke a hookah. (sp?)

I probably missed you by a few months, I left Australia for good in September of 1990. The boy and I did not break up for any reason other than distance. I pined for him for years until I met Calzone's arm.

Young love.

Übermilf said...

I thought I commented on this post.

I must've just read it.

I have had various odd, inexplicable crushes.

Most recently on Rob Corddry of the Daily Show.

Yeah, I don't know why, either.

Brookelina said...

Oh I loved Cronulla too! We used to go see the Sharks play Rugby League. They were my favorite team due to Andrew Ettingshausen - I am so very shallow.

There were a couple good Indian places in Manly on South Steyne. And the pubs...oh the pubs. I barely ever left Manly once I moved there.

I couldn't stay for years either. Every six months my best friend and I would go to immigration and flash her mother's stock account papers. There was about 250K in there, none of which we had any access to - but immigration didn't know that. If they threatened to throw us out we would just say "No worries, we'll just go to New Zealand and blow our money there." Instant visa extension! And they say greed only lives in America!

I actually had two boys there. One in Sydney and one in Melbourne. It was all very sordid and wrong. I was a bad bad girl.

Brookelina said...

And I still pine for one of them...but I won't say which one.

Ubie - humor is hot! Total turn on - but would you actually shag him if the opportunity arose? And Dilf was unconscious somewhere?

Monkey said...

I love sordid and wrong stories.

I only had the one boy, but he was a remarkable boy.

Smart idea about the Stock Account Papers! Each time I went over there I had to bring about $5,000. with me to prove that I wasn't going to take anyone's job. Hrmm...

I liked Melbourne, but my heart belongs to Sydney. Can you hear me sighing? I'm sighing. I will have to take the boy and Calzone there one day.

I loved the pubs and the "hotels". I found them so funny. A huge pub on the first floor and then a few rooms without baths upstairs. The perfect set up. You could just stumble upstairs and snore your drunk self sober. Ah... Australia.

The Australian boy, who oddly enough is now a man, has an 8 year old boy and we've talked about getting the kids together.

Monkey said...

Poor DILF! Was he knocked in the head with a rolling pin? Or did someone slip him a Mickey?

Brookelina said...

Funny you should say that about your heart belonging to Sydney. I feel exactly the same way. That was one of the issues between me and Melbourne boy. Hey, if I'm moving 10,000 miles, I should at least get to pick the city. But he felt that one of us would always be living in a foreign country no matter where we wound up, and that would ultimately tear us apart. Broke my heart.

And now you know which one I pine for. He too is married with a child, could have another one by now. I am now sighing with you.

Dammit. We need to have drinks.

Brookelina said...

Noooo...Dilf would just be drunk and passed out somewhere.

Where the hell is the waitress!!!

Calzone said...

You guys had the same boyfriend mos def.

Was Australia kind of like jersey?

Brookelina said...

It was actually. The boys were hot. And they all had great tans. I love tan boys.

Plus they had those accents. To die for. Ask monkey's human about the accent. I'll be she ravages you just thinking about it!

Jill said...

I am so freakin' jealous reading these comments, you have no idea. I love sordid stories. I have some of my own, but as of right now they are totally unpublishable.

Brookelina said...

No no no....just change names. And why do you think I have this dumb picture up now as my profile picture? Gives me anonymity.

I think I spelled that wrong.

Jill said...

I could change names, but the details that make the stories interesting would give it away to people who ought not have any proof. Some day soon, I hope, they will become unclassified.

Brookelina said...

If I can admit to wanting Jon Gruden, then you can admit to anything!