Wednesday, June 08, 2005

The Bernard Pivot Questionnaire

I just love Inside the Actors Studio. I know James Lipton can be a pain in the ass, and that Will Ferrell is more entertaining as James Lipton than James Lipton. But I still like the show. I like that the actors actually talk about acting and the movie making process and not about which designer they are wearing or which movie star they are doing. Each interview ends with the world famous Bernard Pivot Questionaire. Nobody has a clue who Bernard Pivot is, and nobody really cares - except for James - and probably Bernard's mother.

I've imagined myself as the world famous movie star/rock star/screenwriter/director up on stage in my perfect outfit and my perfect make-up and my perfect hair, the young eager students watching me with adoring eyes and breathless anticipation, Brad Pitt waiting in the wings to whisk me off to...but I digress. Since it seems apparent that James is never going to ask me these questions, I am taking this opportunity to have my moment in the spotlight.

What is your favourite word?
Doilie

What is your least favorite word?
Mucus

What turns you on?
6-pack abs and a bottle of baby oil

What turns you off?
Stinky feet

What is your favorite curse word?
Fuckwit

What sound or noise do you love?
The ocean - no wait - thunderstorms ....ok it's a tie

What sound or noise do you hate?
Whining

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Brad Pitt's personal sex slave

What profession would you not like to do?
Andy Dick's personal sex slave

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Ok everyone, Brooke is here so I can finally take my long overdue vacation. She's in charge, so whatever she says - goes.

Then I answer the students' questions about my fabulous career, and sneak out the back door to catch my ride.....

4 comments:

Loz said...

What is your favourite word?
Motorcade

What is your least favorite word?
Phlegm

What turns you on?
That pic of Brad Pitt is doing it for me at the moment

What turns you off?
Bad breath

What is your favorite curse word?
Fuckbag

What sound or noise do you love?
My phone ringing

What sound or noise do you hate?
Gekkos

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Professional Skydiver

What profession would you not like to do?
Andy Dick's anything

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Haha! FOOLED YOU! Now come inside and grab a beer you little atheist!

Brookelina said...

LOL!!! Love it!!

Jeff F. Haines said...

I like James Lipton. (You might want to check out his book An Exhaltation of Larks.) And I, too, have imagined myself sitting opposite him.

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"We have with us our special guest Jeff F. Haines, who has written countless blog posts. Let's skip to the end of this interview."

What is your favourite word?
Interrobang

What is your least favorite word?
Morality

What turns you on?
A girl who hasn't styled her should-length hair, who's wearing her slummin'-it clothes, who doesn't drown herself in makeup, who steps into tennis shoes or slippers that show the tops of her feet, and who asks me what creative project I'm working on.

What turns you off?
Bible-thumpers.

What is your favorite curse word?
Goddamn fucking cunt-lick bastard whore cretin fink.

What sound or noise do you love?
The unwitting utterance of a woman in pleasure.

What sound or noise do you hate?
My voice, played back to me.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
A cartoon voice. (Go figure.)

What profession would you not like to do?
Anything that puts the lives of people in my hands.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"All of your 'mistakes' were necessary. They taught me what not to do. Jeffrey, you have been invaluable. I love you for your lifelong sacrifice."

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Thank you, Brooke. I've always wanted to do this.

Spinning Girl said...

Oh how so very fabu!
Great minds, indeed.