Monday, March 26, 2007

Ask Brookelina

It's official. I am obsessed with the keyword searches that lead to my blog. I find them fascinating - a real insight into the fucked up human condition. It's like communing with the inner freak inside each and every person on the internets - only from a relatively safe distance. I mean really, why are so many people around the world - literally - so rabidly curious about Spartans and their sexually deviant behavior, their homoerotic tendencies, and most of all - their underpants? While at least a dozen others a day are anxious to find out about accidental flashing, bad bad girls, and who Viggo's girlfriend is. Still others just want to know what "Brooke needs" - and I would just like to say thank you to all of them for being so concerned for my needs.

However, lately I'm getting questions. Full-on real questions asking for advice. It started with that poor little 11 year old from this post, but now it's becoming a daily thing. Just how many people out there are turning to Google for advice? Don't these people have friends? Reference books? Therapists? Clearly the answer is no. And so I feel it is my duty* to answer the questions that have led them here to The Babbling Brooke. I should add that I have copied and pasted them exactly - so if there are misspellings or poor grammar - don't blame me. Blame the underfunded education system that brought them to this point.

1. why are the pancakes in the closet
Is this a metaphor for closeted homoerotic behavior? Is the word pancakes a euphemism for something more perverse or even - sinister? Is this an eating disorder issue? Or does this person truly have pancakes in the closet? So many possibilities. It's truly dizzying. I'm going to go with my initial response and say, "Get a maid, you fucking slob."

2. why can't I look like gerard butler
Because all men are not - in fact - created equal.

3. how do you get abs like leonidas
Well the first thing you'll want to do is get off the computer. Next, start doing sit-ups. You can stop some time in October.

4. what does it mean what a girl only calls you by your last mane
I'm concerned about this whole mane thing. Do you have a mane? Is it like a horsey? Or do you just have a long mane of hair, cause most girls like tha....Oh hang on. Name. You meant name. Ok then.
She wants to to date your sister, dude.

5. WHAT IS LIKE CALZONE
Monkey and I both turned up on the first page for this search. I find this odd. Seriously, shouldn't there be more food-related things coming up on this search? But I digress. What is like Calzone? If you are asking about the food, then imagine a rolled-up pizza. If you are asking about the drug-selling, shoe-sniffing, dickless, poor excuse for a dragon - then imagine a drug-selling, shoe-sniffing, dickless, poor excuse for a dragon.

6. IS IT DANGEROUS TO OUT SMART A SOCIOPATH
I'm going to have to go with yes on this one. But you could always ask Calzone.

7. where i come from we swim naked and i dont want to embarass nobody
Relax, you won't embarrass anyone. It happens to all men. When the water is cold, the shrinkage is inevitable. No need to worry.

8. does gerard butler have an enormous penis
I can't answer this question for sure. But in the interest of research, I'll do my best to find out for you.
Hey Gerard! Call me. It's important.

9. how to give self wedgies
You might want to ask Calzone about this one too. He does this when he's high on glue.

10.why am i jealous of my boyfriend's celebrity crush
Because he's going to cheat on you.

*The answers to these questions are strictly for entertainment purposes only. The author is not a therapist nor does she claim to be one. If you find that these answers are not helping you with your issues, then seek professional help. If you simply don't like the answers provided, then go fuck yourself.

Thank you.

29 comments:

G3T Films said...

Calling someone by their last mane implies that they've had different manes. Man, I hate it when I go to all the trouble of growing a new improved mane, name it and then some girl keeps calling it Harold, which was totally the name of my last mane. Disappointed!

Oh and Gerald says he's Jonah Falcon but he's never had any complaints. Well, not about size... only about putting pancakes in peoples closets. It turns him on, but it's a little freaky. Yes, if you've got pancakes in the closet you've been visited by a Gerald. Watch your closets ladies, keep watching your closets.

yournamehere said...

Is she was good enough for FDR, she's good enough for them.

Monkey said...

Todd found a good line, it's working for him and he's sticking with it.

On to your post. Woot woot! Can I get a witness? Oh my.

I have noticed the increase of actual QUESTIONS coming up in searches for my blog also. And the Calzone one comes in about once a week. What the??

I can, however, verify that Calzone does indeed administer his own wedgies.

Your answers are devine. Move over Dear Abby, there is a new diva in town, and her name is BROOKE.

Brookelina said...

Rich - I had to google Jonah Falcon. Hello! You have no idea how many new sites I now have bookmarked.

Todd - you're a couple pancakes short of a closet, aren't you.

Monkey - I think we both need to answer the questions leading to our blogs on a semi-regular basis. It's obvious that there are troubled people out there who need our help. Imagine the possibilities! Our advice should send Zoloft sales through the roof.

matty said...

...people ask the darndest questions!

jiggs said...

i keep pancakes in the closet so that my "straight" friends don't starve.

sognatrice said...

You definitely get some good, age-old if you will, questions. My most interesting so far has been whether there are side effects to smoking basil leaves, to which I suggested the questioner make a nice pesto instead.

Incidentally, I don't know why the pancakes are in the closet either, but if there isn't someone in there "eating" them, it all sounds like a big waste to me.

mist1 said...

I have to go check Google Analytics now.

Tim said...

Very educational post today. Maybe you can answer a question for a lot of people that come to my site "How to darken nipples"?

TrueJerseyGirl said...

I think you are right, these people have no friends and therefore have to ask google. Although the end result is turning up at your fabu blog, so maybe their lives will turn out ok after all.

egan said...

I'm not really into fucking myself. I do like the searches leading to your blog. You have some interesting results for sure. I hope you had a good weekend Brooke.

-Gerard Butler

Bone said...

3. how do you get abs like leonidas
Well the first thing you'll want to do is get off the computer.


LOL

I really like this idea. You're a funny girl.

As for #10, I am totally not going to cheat on her with Lindsay Lohan! So stop spreading that rumor.

miss kendra said...

i love you so much.

sandra said...

Why doesn't anyone ask ME questions??

John said...

Before the weekend I aim to think up the weirdest arse question in order to get on your blog.

Yes, I have that much time on my hands.

And I'm with Sandra...I never get any questions. I've only ever had 2 searches...one being "teabags fuck" from Finland. I just assumed this was a language issue and that the said searcher didn't actually want to fuck a teabag.

Brookelina said...

Matty - it's really quite astonishing. I just hope they don't track me down again and read these answers.

Jiggs - you are a good man. Now I know where to go when I come over.

Sognatrice - I immediately checked out your profile when I read your name. I will be checking out your writing for sure. I love Italy with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

Mist1 - keep me posted.

Tim - now they will all be coming here. The real question is why are they landing on your blog with that question?

TJG - let's just hope they don't actually take my advice. It could be the end of the world as we know it - which might be a good thing.

Brookelina said...

Egan - you're such a liar. You do too like fucking yourself.

Bone - what? You have a girlfriend? I'm so breaking up with you.

Miss K - kiss me baby!

Sandra - clearly you aren't writing about enough ridiculous nonsense. Get on that.

John - I am now getting tons of searches for Brooke Bond. I have you to thank for that.

Bill said...

"how to give self wedgies" ... Wow. Is this even possible? If so, what's the answer. Is there a manual? It would really liven up my Friday nights.

This would be a great seminar topic. And I could see Oprah or Dr. Phil doing a show on it (during sweeps week, of course).

Miss Syl said...

Come on, Jersey girl--you know very well there's only one answer someone is looking for when they ask the questions"what is like calzone" and that is stromboli.

It's probably some landlocked midwesterner who came out east for a vacation and now wants to tell her friends about "the crazy inside-out pizza thing" she ate, but she can't remember the name.

egan said...

Dammit, you busted me again. And you knew I wasn't Gerard Butler too? Damn, you're too smart.

Mone said...

PIZZA? and I thought calzone is some kind of CHEESE? see how uneducated I am, Brooke! Thats why I like to come over here, always something in store for me to learn :P

Flounder said...

I know why the pancakes are in the closet. The rat left them there.

Princess Pointful said...

Weirdness. I posted on 300 (granted, not in as much detail about a certain man's abs as you), and get no searches for it. Almost all of my hits are because of a picture of cherry blossoms, a narwhal, and Grimace from McD's. Weirdness.
Oh, and Bitchy Princess!

Brookelina said...

Bill - the image of you giving yourself a wedgie for Friday night fun is a total turn-on.

Miss Syl - I was afraid they wouldn't know what a stromboli was. Plus explaining the difference between a calzone and a stromboli would have been too difficult. OK not really, but the fact is Calzone the blogger was much more fun to talk about than that.

Egan - I wouldn't believe it if Gerard himself showed up here, which is highly unlikely. No doubt I'd run him off like I have all the others.

Mone - well I am a teacher, it's in my teacher to share the knowledge.

Flounder - what rat? You have rats? Who make pancakes? I wouldn't mind having rats if they made me pancakes.

Princess - I think because I've been blogging now for almost two years, every search on the internet lands here. Give yourself time and you too can land on page one of a search for "gerard butler's favorite food " - which incidentally, I hope to be someday.

Naynayfazz said...

Jeez, I don't visit your site in a few days and miss a heck of a whole lot. Woah, you sure have a lot going on here. On my blog, someone searches for this one picture I have of a gerbil holding a machine gun that I posted back in September. It is weird. The same picture, at least 5 times a day!

Nance said...

Honest to G, Brooke, your blog is a study of public service. These individuals, with no place left to turn, have found in you a virtual font of altruistic knowledge.

Your charity knows no bounds. I am in awe of your goodness.

I'm crying.

BV said...

I bought the first postsecret book and read through it a couple of weeks ago. One of the postcards is of a dragon and it says something to the effect of "I pretend like I'm other people to get myself through the day." I don't even remember. I'll have to scan it and email it to you. You will fall down laughing. Calzone totally wrote it. I just know. If not...he should have.

Spinning Girl said...

That'll be $120 please!

Spinning Girl said...

also, I literally laughed out loud on most of these. Do you want to marry me?