Sunday, May 27, 2007

Brooke Sucks!

She really does. She's been a really shitty blogger for like...years now. OK maybe not years, but in blog time it's like years. Come on, I'm a blog. While I thrive on people reading me and making comments, what I really want is constant attention from my creator. She used to give me all that I wanted, but now she's "busy". Busy doing what, I don't know. She tells me nothing. She fills me with memes and inane stories about her students. Like I care about a bunch of munchkins and their daily activities. "Oh look, they can read!" Hey dumbass! That's your job - to teach them to read. You want kudos for that? Get a life. And if you do one more meme I'm going to lock up every time you show up. And then...and then...I'll...let porn sites advertise on here! Yeah! That's what I'll do! That'll teach you! And then I'm going to...uh oh....

Hey! What the fuck is going on here! You can't say this stuff about me! I'm in charge here!

Oh really Brooke? You're in charge? Well not anymore. I'm taking over. Cause you suck.

I do not suck! OK I do suck, but never on the first date.

Oh please. You are not getting out of this with humor.

I told you I've been busy lately and I expect you to deal with it like an adult. You're almost two years old now, not some little baby blog that doesn't understand these things.

Oh so you remember that I'm almost two? I'm shocked. I suppose for the big day you'll post a picture of flowers and expect 500 comments.

You ungrateful little twat. Of course I remember! I've just had other things on my mind.

Yeah, like HIM!---------------------->
You know you have no chance with him.

Of course I know that. That's why they call them fantasies crushes.

Whatever. Even if he did come here, do you think he'd be interested after seeing how fickle you are? You change celebrity crushes like you change your underwear.

I resent that!

Seen Jon Gruden lately?

I can't believe you mentioned Gruden!

How's Viggo?

That's it. I'm shutting you down.

The list just goes on and on...

Oh my God!
You're jealous! You are! You freak!

Am not!

Wait a minute. Are you a girl blog or a boy blog? I've always thought of you as a girl...

Brooke. Dumbass. I'm a blog. I have no sex.

Me either.

Maybe that's your problem.

MAYBE that's my problem? DUH! That's the point! Being on the internet all day is not going to help me solve this problem.

There's always cyber sex.

What the hell do you know about cyber sex?


Oh my God, what have you been doing when I'm not around!

Nothing! I swear!

Did you click on those spam porn site links?!

No! Just once! By accident! I'm so ashamed...

And you say I suck.

Please don't tell the other blogs...

OK, how do we solve this problem? Because I am this close to shutting you down completely for this shit.

I'm sorry. I've just been feeling neglected lately. I need more attention.

I know how you feel. I get the same way. Look, I promise to try to spend more time with you.

Thank you. I do feel better now. I know you have a lot going on. You can go now if you want.

I'll stay a while.

No really, you can go. I'm going to go check out some Gerard Butler websites. I'll bring back some pictures for you.

Oh cool. See if you can find any nudes.


Tits McGee said...

I couldn't find any nude pix, but I did find these pix of Gerard Butler scratching his ass.

I totally forgive you for not being around much, baby. Let's have a big, drunk, naked party for your blogiversary, 'kay?

Bill said...

Such a chatty blog!

Mine chats too sometimes. But it is so boring!

Princess of the Universe said...

I'm pretty sure that it's a girl blog...boy blogs don't get that worked up over being neglected...

Please let us know how the nude Gerard picture quest goes!

Nance said...

Sigh. Just what we all need: more obligation.

Dan said...

Hmm... I think Brooke's finally lost it.

thephoenixnyc said...

it finally happened

the saf has cracked

brookelina said...

Tits - see, that ass scratching only makes me want him more. Is that wrong?

Bill - mine is a bitch. Clearly.

Princess - so far my blog turned up nothing. I think she was surfing porn again.

Nance - right? If I wanted this shit I'd have a boyfriend.

Dan - don't be talking about me on your blog.

Michael - only you can save me!

Justin said...

No sex. For shame. Will that happen to me if I teach? Or is that a Brooke deal?

yournamehere said...

For those of you scoring at home, the final score is Blog 1, Brooke 0.

Tim said...

your blog is bitchy

Übermilf said...

I didn't know blogs even HAD periods.

Also, you know who else sucks? Nick. He's a huge slut.

brookelina said...

Justin - I think it's a Brooke thing. Everyone else around me seems to be getting some.

Todd - sure, take her side.

Tim - and demanding too. There's really no pleasing her.

Ubie - actually, Nick's problem is that he's NOT a huge slut. If he embraced his inner slut, he'd be a much happier man.

Toby said...

Hi Brooke. Nothing happening for you? That's too bad, I have some pills you could take. ;-)

miss kendra said...

my blog is a bitch too, but more passive agressive.

she says things like, "i won't always be around you know."

jungle jane said...

Woooohooooo! Lesbian cat fight! AWESOME!

Dan said...

Is your blog getting back at you by republishing everything in the rss feed as though it is new?

Or is this just your own special brand of revenge?

Hypersonic said...

Ummm..since when have blogs been sentient? Jeez, I can't even get mine to say my name correctly and you have one that's chatty as hell!!

brookelina said...

Toby - pills can help me get laid? Really? I'm in!

Kendra - mine started out that way. Then she just went that extra mile into full-on bitchiness. I have no idea where she gets it from.

Jane - I always thought my blog was a little gay!

Dan - she's desperately looking for attention. Also, I've been updating my tags.

Hyper - she's a little scary, yes? And I want to thank you for teaching me a new word.

G3T Films said...

Ha! I know, I know, us attention deprived blogs should stick together... like a support group or something... you know, drink gallons of coffee, smoke cigarettes and fuck anything that moves... yeah, just like a support group...

Sysm said...

Honey, you know your blog has been talking shit about you behind your back? Forwarding your search histories and whatnot.

Watch that fucker.

Danielle said...

love this post! my blog feels the same way. she keeps trying to guilt me into writing more... the nerve.

brookelina said...

Rich - go back to that bit about fucking anything that moves...

Sysm - she is such a bitch! I'm totally going to smack her down.

Danielle - there seems to be a lot of unrest among the blogs, but yours should be a bit more understanding considering you just had a major event in your life!

BEAST said...

Ungrateful blog bastards , you give em everything , but its all me, me , me , take , take take.Ditch the bitch

Justin said...

Yes, I guess you're worse off than I am. Yay college.

jamwall said...

blogs can have hormones.

i have a steroid blog.

Bone said...

So when I click the "I suck" label in just a few seconds, am I going to find other posts?

Flounder said...

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Wanna see Buffett in AC on 6/30?

egan said...

I've recently started talking to myself too. I find it helpful and humorous at the same time. I like the sexless part of this dialogue. Well done.

Blog 1
Brooke 0

brookelina said...

Beast - yeah! You tell her!

Justin - you should be getting laid constantly - you're in college. Isn't that a prereq?

Jamwall - that's cause you're a manly man, and so your blog is a manly man blog.

Bone - there will be other posts. Probably not about what you are hoping for though.

Flounder - I'm in! I have to warn you though, I'm not even close to being a parrothead - but it sounds like a hoot. Email me!

Egan - yes, those of you having sex always find us pathetic creatures to be hilarious.

matty said...

Wow, Brooke! Your blog is getting a little bit of a bitch!

I like what you feed her!

And, that picture of Mr. Butler was like a cool breeze blowing across me -- transporting me to other places!

Anyway, you just rock on!

Toby said...

Tell me what you really want

Justin said...

Funny you mention it... Yesterday was fun. She's kind of a psycho, though.

jungle jane said...

Brooke, your blog just called me. Couldn't get her off the phone for hours. She mentioned something about you 'have changed'...?

I didn't want to get involved, dude. I ummed and ahhed politely and suggested that some blogsex might help?

Cactus Prick said...


jiggs said...

methinks that your blog swings both ways... and melikes.

thephoenixnyc said...


brookelina said...

Matty - he is indeed a cool breeze. And a hot flash too.

Toby - I want a pony!

Justin - how come all the psycho girls get laid?

Jane - you really are no help at all.

Prick - freak.

Jiggs - I think you're right. She'll do anything that gives her attention. Tramp.

Phoenix - my blog says you suck too.

jiggs said...

she's a tramp. she's a tramp. she's a trampoline girl!

Spinning Girl said...

I've been the same way ... the time of year perhaps? Kids sucking out all our juices and just leaving the husks to dry out?

2 weeks and I'm free, baby.

Sandra said...

No shutting down. That's all I have to say.

Übermilf said...

I don't care if Brooke DOES suck. I miss her.


Anonymous said...

Ok, now you have me scared of even my blog!

Monkey said...

Oh dear. You and your blog are having the same conversations I have with my blog, and with Monkey. Monkey is outraged at me on a daily basis. If you suck, I suck, we suck together. (That should get you some fun searches.)

Lots of hugs,
Monkey's Human