Sunday, July 02, 2006

Twelve O'Clock News Blues

Ever since school ended I have had way too much time on my hands. I can't get anything done when I have too much time. I need pressure. I need deadlines. I have accomplished very little these last few weeks. My vacation is going to be over before I know it and all I'll have to show for it is clean closets. You would think I would be well rested by now, but actually I feel tired all the time...

My sleep patterns are completely off, which is making me a tad cranky. I either fall asleep for an hour and wake up for the next four, or I can't fall asleep until the sun shows up to laugh at me. To make the situation extra special, when I do eventually get to sleep I have super-bizarro dreams - ex boyfriends who claim to be my husband(s), talking dogs, scary clowns; general weirdness. One dream got so strange I actually said in it, "I don't like this dream anymore," and I woke up. I can't complain too much though, there was one all-nighter that involved Josh Duhamel, Elvis music, and a shower for two. A little less conversation indeed...the boy was most impressive...

Unfortunately the same can't be said for all men. My across-the-hall neighbor has a new boyfriend. Caveman, as my nickname implies, is a knuckle-dragging troglodyte. Caveman spends most of his time in the hallway (outside my door) either yelling into his cell phone or yelling at her. Caveman slams doors as though it were an Olympic event. He knows one word - fuck. It's his noun, verb, adjective and adverb. If he uses other words I don't recognize them due to his pathetic enunciation skills. I have come to the conclusion that Caveman needs a good beating. I think I may go shopping for baseball bats today...

I also need general supplies at the store. Lady supplies, to be more precise. I only mention that so I can make the guys squirm...

You know what else makes guys squirm? Erectile dysfunction. I got this spam for "Cheap Viagra" the other day.


Men, I ask you, do you really think that girls will worship you for simply maintaining a stiffy? Will men really envy you because you can get it up? Because I have to tell you, I can't see buying penis medicine on the cheap as being a very good idea...

I have been getting some great deals on eBay! However even with my stupendous savings, I have still been spending money like a drunken sailor. So far I have gotten a crock pot, percolator (which makes damn good coffee!), an iPod, and a Bose Sounddock. I think it's time for me to find a new boy to occupy my time before I go broke. This is what happens when you have too much time on your hands...

37 comments:

charming, but single said...

Nice template! I feel like we just showed up at a party in the same dress or something ...

I feel you on the deadlines. I do not do well on open-ended projects.

Bravo on the closets, though. I've been saying I was going to whip my apartment into shape in advance of hurricane season so that I'd be more prepared to take in evacuee friends and family than last season ... still hasn't happened. There's going to be a storm in the Gulf and I'm going to be trying to remember when I stuffed my extra blankets ...

Bill said...

I sometimes wonder if "erectile disfunction" isn't God's way of saying, "You've served your time. Your free now!"

In other words, it might be something of a blessing. "Sorry doll, can't get it up. Now would you let me sleep?"

Just a thought. I always liked this passage in the movie Network:

Diana Christensen: I'm sorry for all those things I said to you last night. You're not the worst fuck I ever had. Believe me, I've had worse. You don't puff or snorkel and make death-like rattles. As a matter of fact, you're rather serene in the sack.

Max Schumacher: Why is it that a woman always thinks that the most savage thing she can say to a man is to impugn his cocksmanship.

Diana Christensen: I'm sorry I impugned your cocksmanship.

Max Schumacher: I gave up comparing genitals back in the schoolyard.


On the other hand, the guys in the commercials looks so happy you'd think they'd been to Disneyland.

Brookelina said...

CBS - don't even mention the "H" word!

Bill - you've put a lot of thought into this.

yournamehere said...

I'm looking for a job and I'm frustrated to the point that I almost wish I was back in Vegas. Don't tell anyone I said that.

Flounder said...

You need to save some cash for moving expenses back to Jersey.

Spinning Girl said...

Your summer sounds a lot like my summers; I invent little chores for myself so that I can have an excuse for taking a shower & getting out into the world. But I don't want to work in the summers, so there you have it. 8 weeks of do-nothing. Luckily this summer I am buying a house so I gots plenty to do! Wanna come help me pack? It sucks.

Caveman sounds like a prize. Is his name Brad by any chance?

sunshine said...

I know what you mean about sleeping extra and still being tired. My sleep cycles are all off because I know if I stay up till 4:30 a.m. (like last night for instance), I can always take a nap the next day.

In a way there is a tiny part of me that is looking forward to school starting again, if only so there will be more purpose to life.

On the other hand... let's enjoy these lazy days while they last...!

WhiteBoyBob said...

Hey, I've seen that tamplate somewhere else.....now where was it?

I think the people that come up with these ads suggesting it will somehow increase ones attractiveness to the opposite sex if one has priapism are the same ones that suggest women want to go rollerblading (or doing something that involves the splits) when they are menstruating.

Dicks!

WhiteBoyBob said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Bill said...

I think too much. I want a lobotomy.

Kris said...

This new blog is even better looking than that gentle fellow . . .

You rock. per usual.

WhiteBoyBob said...

Oh, and I forgot to mention that I bought one of those Bose sounddocks a few months ago myself. They're great aren't they?

Brookelina said...

Todd - your secret is safe with me. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, how many people do you know that want to move from Florida to Jersey?

Flounder - I have all year to save. Plus I'm counting on donations from you.

Spinning - I envy you buying a house. That's my dream. I'll come help you pack this year if you come help me pack next year.

Sunny - I'm actually excited about going back to work too. But I am well aware that it won't take long before I'm missing all this free time.

WBB - yes, we women really enjoy vigorous activities when it is that time of the month. And we always walk around with a toothpaste smile the whole time too!

Bill - me too. Price them out ok.

Kris - thank you, but nobody is better looking than that boy.

WBB - love it love it love it!!!

katarina said...

Great, now I'm going to have bad dreams about clowns. As if they don't scare me enough.

Two Words:
Tylenol PM

Okay, I guess, technically "PM" isn't a word. But you get my point.
I take Excedrin PM and it works like a charm.

Flounder said...

If you are buying an iPod and sounddocks, you obviously make more money than me and therefore, won't be getting any donations.

I will consider hiring you to tighten up my closets, though.

Kallun said...

Can you please forward me that email... ;-)

Captain Beefheart said...

"Make other men envy you"...?

Gentlemen, do you all show each other your huge erections to be admired? Am I missing out on something here? Do I need to go to a different sauna?

I agree the people peddling the woody pills have probably missed the point, as have those who offer to slit women's chests open and insert those little bags of water with goldfish in you get from the fair. What happens to the goldfish anyway? Are they still swimming around inside the fake boobies?

Miss Browneyedgirlie said...

It's how many days into summer vacation and you're already writing about the free time you have on your hands?

Please don't tell me you're counting the days until the little ones march back into your classroom ;)

Karen Little said...

I am quite envious of your Bose Sounddock, your new template, and your summer holidays. You are quite a lucky girl...

The real me said...

Love the new digs - wish I was as tech savvy and new how to do mess with my blog like you can.

The "Letter to 13" was brilliant. I just might have to rip you off!
(Have you ever read Richard Bach's ONE? If not, get it!)

Brookelina said...

Katarina - oh I am a big fan of the blue bombers, so much so that I think I need something stronger. Like chloroform.

Flounder - I'm a teacher in Florida, how much do you think I make?

Kallun - oh I'm so sorry to hear that...

Captain - you may have just opened up a whole new fetish market.

Girlie - no way! Not at all! Inconceivable!
Shut up.

Karen - the Bose was a good price on ebay, the template was ready made, and summer holidays....ok they rock.

TRM - I haven't read Richard Bach since the 70's, and I was too young to understand him then. Maybe I'll give it another go.

Blonde Vigilante said...

Brooke...when you find that man...make sure he has a brother...give that brother my phone number. We'll do the double date thing.

Anita said...

Brooke do you have a bicycle? Get that puppy out and go to town! That shit is fun. You'll sleep like a ROCK too. I swear by it.

Anyhow, I nearly bought a Gameboy Micro on ebay yesterday. WTF does a grown woman need with a Gameboy Micro? This is the power ebay has over me. Perhaps I/we should seek help.

The Dummy said...

Gosh, a lot people wouldn't be able to make complete sentences without the F word! Does caveman happen to have a hairy back? That would just make the picture perfect.

Lo Lo Lova said...

I like the new look.

By the way, there is nothing wrong with dirty dreams and closet cleaning. Just as long as the dream isn't with some guy COMING OUT OF the closet...

solethoughts said...

This layout is the shizzle. I like it. Since Isla has been here I've pulled two all nighters in a row. I'm beat.

To answer the question do men worship other men that can get it up? Not me. But I do think there are a lot of men out there that can't. A friend of mine was dating a guy she was totally in to but when the time came for him to bat, he was stuck on deck. The poor guy never made it to the plate. That ruined it for her. Sad.

I hope summer levels out for you. I know the feeling of being on vacation and trying to stay motivated. It sucks.

Brooke is rock and roll.

Anita said...

Brooke is bitchin'.

Cactus Prick said...

You used three of my favorite words: troglodyte, percolator, and fuck. Go you.

Bill said...

Okay, someone has to say it ... that guy? That picture? I've never heard of him but have you noticed how he looks like a young Osmond?

I think that's a cause for concern. He could be Donny. But with a wig, he could be Marie.

That's worrying.

jiggs said...

I have always been under the impression that women should worship me each time i get an erection.

TinaPoPo said...

LOVE LOVE LOVE the new template, Ms. Brooke.

I've taken to referring to tampons as "Tam-Ponies." It seems to make the husband less uncomfortable, although I'm not sure how or why.

Brookelina said...

Blonde - it's a date.

Anita - I do have a fabulous bike. Unfortunately riding a bike down here is the equivalent of a suicide attempt.

Dummy - I have not gotten close enough to inspect his hairiness. If I had he'd be a bloody pulp by now.

Lo Lo - only you truly understand the need to closet clean.

PEZ - two all nighters? For sex? You are trying to torment me, aren't you.

Anita - word.

Prick - you know you love me.

Bill - seriously, you should consider joining the 21st century. It's fun here.

Jiggs - and we do. One and all. When you get an erection we all say, "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYY!!!"

Tina - thank you dear. I can't believe you mentioned ponies. That's the subject of my next post.

Melliferous Pants said...

Is buying cheap penis medication like buying condoms at the dollar store?

Tits McGee said...

Mmm...Josh Duhamel. Soooooooooooooo yummy.

Also, the new template? Rocks.

Ruben said...

Brooke! How are you girl. I haven't heard from you in far too long.

Cactus Prick said...

BTW - Styx?

Brookelina said...

Thank you Prick! I wondered who if anyone would catch that.