Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Like Hearts Made of Diamond

I knew I had forgotten something the moment I woke up today. I felt that anxious pain - that ache in the pit of my stomach. What was it? An appointment I failed to keep? A phone call I neglected? I started to panic. My mind searched for that little grain of information that was hidden somewhere in the back. And then I looked at the date.

Your birthday, it was the other day. And I forgot. You don't know this, but I still remember your birthday. For the first time in years I didn't think about you on that date. Is this a good thing? Have I made progress? Am I finally starting to put you in the past?

You came along too soon. I wasn't ready for you. You were like no man I had ever known, so sure of yourself, so completely the opposite of me. You were the first man I had ever been with who actually admitted that he wanted to settle down and have a family. I remember how you laughed at the look on my face when you said that. You thought it was because you scared me off, but it wasn't. I just couldn't believe you were real. I couldn't believe that someone like you would want to be with someone like me. You were perfect. And I ...wasn't.

I played games instead of admitting my feelings. I shudder when I think of some of the bullshit I pulled, the hoops I made you jump through. It took me a long time to recognize the mistakes I made, how I allowed my insecurities to rule my emotions. But maybe you were right, maybe it would have been too difficult for us. Different countries, different backgrounds...maybe one of us would have always felt lost...like you said...

Will I ever find someone else who can finish my sentences? Who can always guess my favorite song on a CD? Who I can have an entire conversation - or argument - with, while neither of us says a word? Who just...gets me so completely? Is this why I can't find someone? Do I still compare everyone to you?

I told myself if I ever got the chance I would tell you the truth. You won't ever read this, but at least the truth will be out there. So here it is. I did love you. I'd have stayed if you had asked me. I'd have done anything for you...anything you can dream of...

I hate that song now.

50 comments:

sunshine said...

We girls who lost our fathers at an early age... we have a lot in common when it comes to our relationships.

I still remember my ex's birthday, too. It's been about nine years now.

I think there is love in the cards for you. I think (like me) you are going to be a late bloomer when it comes to love.

Let's hope the wait will be more than worth it in the end.

Cheers, dear.

Egan said...

Finally I can lodge a comment, stupid Blogger.

I love this post Brooke. It's very touching that you have such fond memories of him. I still remember my college girlfriend's birthday. I think this shows you have an amazing heart. Great story Brooke. I love the emotions surrounding this post.

katarina said...

I think the first time I forgot my ex's birthday was the beginning of my new completely different life.
I'm glad you had the guts to let it out even if it was only for us.

yournamehere said...

I'm betting that happiness is in your very near future. You're too special for anything less.

jamwall said...

hey, is that jiggs "joey lawrence" casey?

ChickyBabe said...

Oh God Brooke... I don't know what to say. I'm sorry if my post has stirred up memories like these. I'm all teary eyed now...

Neil said...

So touching, Brooke. But I'm sure he wasn't as perfect as you remember. And I'm sure there are others who can be everything he was and more. I'm always rooting for you.

Bill said...

A beautiful post. But a disturbing one too. Change the genders and I think I could have written it. (Well, I would need balls first. And I might change some details ... but, you know what I mean.)

But at the same time ...

“Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.”
- Jonathan Larson -

So while I sometimes get in that frame of mind, I also get kind of pissed off at myself when I do because I can't turn the clock back.

So I guess I'm saying I liked this post but can't decide what to think of it.

You're going to have to get back to ponies and laundromats. That's easier on my head.

Janet said...

Oh dear... my future postage.

Timing was scary Brooke.

Fitèna said...

I read Egan's coment about how C inspired your post and thought I've got to read this!

Beautiful Brooke. Sad and beautiful. But am with what Neil says. Am sure you'll find someone to finish your sentences.

Am glad I stopped by!

Fitèna

jiggs said...

oh brookie :)

Mone said...

Never give up hope... someday... somewhere... will be the one... meeting with you, believe me, because I know.
Big hugs for now.

Flounder said...

Sounds like good progress to me.

I had a similar birthday thing with an ex, and I haven't thought about her for years. But I did every 9/8 for the first few years of marriage. Not in a longing and what-if way, but just curious where she was at that time.

Your right man is out there.

He'll find you when it is time.

Brookelina said...

Sunny - oh I'm a late bloomer alright! In every way. Cheers to you too love.

Egan - thanks. Maybe next year I won't remember at all.

Katarina - amazing how many of us can't forget these little things, even after so many years.

Todd - right back atcha, babe.

Jam - I should be so lucky!!

Chicky - no no no!!! I was inspired by your previous post - I had already written this when I left that comment. The memories were already there, you just gave me the balls to actually write about it.

Neil - thank you. I'm in your cheering section too.

Bill - but you were confused by the pony too. It really doesn't take much to confuse you, hon.

Janet - there must be something in the air.

Fitena - I am glad you stopped by too!!

Jiggs - oh Jiggsy ;)

Mone - my fear was that he was the one, and I blew it. Is there more than one out there?

Flounder - my birthday is 9/7. So now you can think of me every year instead.

Lo Lo Lova said...

Brooke, the reason that it didn't work out was that IT WASN'T RIGHT. Now that you can look back on that and see it, you can move on. And be open to someone new who WILL be right for you. And you can be open to love this person. And you can be open to be happy. And it can happen. And it will. You have so much to offer in life. Keep that in mind and let yourself be loved. Because you ARE lovable. And when you love yourself, others are open to love you back. And it's okay to love someone, too. I promise! And when the time is right - BOOM - love will be there. But you have to be ready. And it sounds like you're definitely on your way. Hang in there, Baby!

sleepydog said...

Brooke, beautifully written as always. I think he was as lucky to have had time with you as you were to have time with him.

When I read a post like this, I can think of the one that got away with great fondness, and (selfishly) hope that maybe, just maybe, she still thinks of me on my birthday too.

babyjewels said...

Heartbreaking and beautiful post Brooke.

Anita said...

It's hard to cope with the fact that you'll never forget some things. Sometimes SG will do something that reminds me of my first real adult love that makes me realize how much better SG is than he was. And that's how it will be for you. You'll find someone out there that has everything this guy and and then some. (Hugs Brooke, but in a friend way, not in that kinky way some people hug you just to feel your tits that makes you want to pull your shoulders forward.)

Blonde Vigilante said...

I always just remember...my motto...everything happens for a reason. Everyone that enters our lives enters for a reason. We don't always know what that reason is and sometimes we never know.

Maybe your reason is so that when "he" does come around again...you will know what to do.

solethoughts said...

It's never too late. If I can go 19 years just to come full circle to a girl I dated in 8th grade, then it's never too late. Don't let anymore time pass you by.

Thérèse said...

I like that picture. Mucho gusto. Muy? Bah, no hablo español, so I don't know why I try.

And... is it time to tell him? What harm is there in telling him, at this point?

Thérèse said...

Or wait, was the whole writing of this post so purging of the soul that you feel it just a tiny bit less, cause it is now on the page?

That happens with me sometimes. Just looking at it makes it make more sense to stay in the past.

I don't know; you do. I'm a stranger to the situation.

Thérèse said...

*launches self at Brooke's leg*

*humps, nicely*

(Cause sometimes, you just need a commenter to hump you, ever so nicely.)

Brookelina said...

Lo Lo - but but but.....Ok you're probably right. Dammit.

Sleepy - I do hope he still thinks of me on my birthday...or sometimes when he's in the shower...

BabyJ - oh how we miss you!

Anita - I'm going to take your words to heart, and your hug as an attempt to feel me up - cause that's hot.

Blonde - I, too, believe in the everything happens for a reason theory. How did one so young get to be so wise? And I mean you, not me. I'm an idiot.

PEZ - it's too late for him and me, but there is another from my past....hmmmmmm...

Therese - 1.He was a stone fox with a rock hard body. Makes me weak just thinking about it. But he is married now, so no point in bringing all this up now. 2.Yes, seeing it all just written out helps. There is a lot there that I didn't say for obvious reasns, but it does help. 3.Please continue, a good humping is just what I need. Thank you.

sleepydog said...

I'll think of you on your birthday if it helps.

Bonus points for using "Stone fox" in a sentence (And meaning it)

thephoenixnyc said...

Well done Brooke. Writing these type of things out is the easiest path to letting them go.

Blonde Vigilante said...

Brookey, you're not an idiot. But, I am starting to believe you on the wise thing, b/c if the number of emails/IM's I get asking for advice is any indication...I'm effing Dr. Phil.

You need a drink. I need a drink. I'll drink to that.

Malnurtured Snay said...

Hah. I love that photo.

Brookelina said...

Sleepy - the more people who think about me on my birthday, the better. And indeed, he was a stone fox. God I hope he never finds this.

Phoenix - thank you.

Blonde - that's great. Nobody ever asks me for advice. I wonder why...

Snay - well thank you...ummm...you do know what it is a photo of, right?

Jill said...

I'm going to go cry now.

And no, that wasn't a figure of speech.

Tits McGee said...

::hugs::

ChickyBabe said...

To lighten things up a little.... Can I say now what a hot picture it is and can you please repost it without the blur? The chest will do nicely if you don't want to show the face! :P

Sysm said...

I didn't know the song.

That hurts.

But in an okay way.

jiggs said...

OH BROOKIE!!!

Bill said...

Confused though I may be, I am not confused by Robert Frost:

"Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length."

(For what it's worth.)

Loudlush said...

Now I've got an ache in the pit of my gut. I could have written this post myself (although not half as eloquently) and my eyes swam before I got to the end. It goes away one day, I guess. Gorgeous blog.

The real me said...

No quips, no jokes, no sarcasm... I loved this post.

I can SOOOO relate to it.

What is he doing now?
Maybe he remembers your birthday too.

Brookelina said...

Jill - I know you relate to this.

Tits - there is nothing better than being hugged by a woman with tits like yours. Thanks!

Chicky - funny you should say that...one of my readers thought that picture was me! Hmmmm...maybe I'll just email it to you...might be safer that way.

Sysm - Clapton. Journeyman. Track two.

Jiggs - OH JIGGSY!!!!

Bill - that's beautiful. Thank you.

Loudlush - thank you so much. I love your name! Classic!

TRM - I know you get this. He's doing quite well now. Has a great job, wife, kid, maybe more than one at this point. We were in touch a few years ago but not since. It's too hard.

Sizzle said...

i think we all have someone like this in our lives, that comes too early when we aren't "ready" to show us the way. it sucks, trulymadlydeeply, but it DOES give us something, right? i have to believe it or i would not be able to pick myself up and carry on.

i hope putting it out there helps. catharsis! :)

Lo Lo Lova said...

Okay, Brooke. Time for some tough love. I DEMAND THAT YOU REMEMBER SOMETHING AWFUL ABOUT HIM. He's feet stunk. He had bad breathe. He snored. He had a tiny weewee.

DO IT
DO IT NOW!!!

Toby said...

Your post is very moving for me.

I remember them all. All three of them. I don't look at it as a bad thing, I don't dwell on it either.

I know all three remember mine if they like it or not. I was born on Thanksgiving day. I know it's not the same date every year, but close enough. ;)

Brookelina said...

Sizz - it was all worth it. I'd do it all over again if given the chance.

Lo Lo - hmmmm...none of those things applied. But he did dump me for a drop dead beautiful girl who was actually....nice. That was pretty awful.

Toby - the advantage of the birthday/holiday. Always remembered by the exes. That's awesome.

sleepydog said...

Brooke, when is your birthday so I can mark it on my calendar (Or tattoo it on my forehead) ???

Also, just wanted to say again that this was a great post, and it clearly hit home with a lot of people.

You beez the shizzle and the beezus kneezus....I ayn't shittin you......

mernitman said...

As arrows in the heart go, this one was a beaut.

(p.s. tho Dr. Freud -- I called him -- sez: blurry photo may make all of ze good zings look better in ze memory, no?)

The Slickster said...

Ms. Brooke, my Employer appreciates your kind remarks. It will not go unrewarded.

The real me said...

Brooke, I hate you now.
You've given me reason to long...

Bad Brooke!!

Brookelina said...

Sleepy - September 7th. As a child I always thought it was a national holiday. Why should that change now?

Billy - actually the clear picture is much hotter. ;)

Witsie - you work for Clapton?!?!?!

TRM - oh like you needed me to do that...

Tumbleweed said...

Shit Brooke sorry, I thought it might be a blurry pic of you too. At least I thought it was hot and it was a man....I'm not gay! yayyy!

Spinning Girl said...

Oh Shepherd Boy.

The Dummy said...

Very touching. I think people are in our past for a reason: to help us learn from the mistakes we've made while being with them. We need that, for better or worse, in order to grow.