Thursday, December 22, 2005

Subject: Drunk Email

brandon wrote:

well, i'm technically not 'drunk'. i'm probably .19 at the most. although legally, i suppose that IS drunk. but emotionally, i'm as sober as i've been in ages. and i love you. i know that you expect a drunk guy to say something like that to an internet acquaintance whom he's never seen or can verify is actually a woman. but i love you. no, not like THAT, silly! no, i mean i love you in a filthy, emotionally, likable way. and i'm kind of dizzy. i thought you should know that, too, since we're being honest with each other (honesty rules!).

oh, and i'm happy about ANWR. but i'm a total wuss when it comes to entering comment food fights. and i've gotten beaten up a lot this past week in other peoples' comment boxes so i'm afraid of being hurt again. i just want you to hold me.

this drunken email was brought to you by Miller.

brandon

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Brandon,

I am both thrilled and honored to be getting a drunken email spouting your love for me. Being loved in a filthy way is very hot. Despite the fact that I have no doubt you have written this sort of email to at least half the women on your blogroll - I will still hold you close and press you against my boobies. Believe it or not, you aren't the first drunken married internet blogger to profess his undying love for me.

I only wish you had put this on my blog. It's so good! Dammit. But I'll respect your right to privacy and simply torment you endlessly on both of our blogs from here on in.

Happy hangover. Brooke

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brandon wrote:

privacy? pfft. by all means, post it on your blog. it's the best thing i've written all week.

for the record, only 2 other women received drunken emails from me. if i don't have my chivalry, i don't have anything.

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Thanks Brando! You are so very chivalrous. As long as you don't love those other two women in the filthy way that you love me we are all good. Not only do I feel like a pretty pretty (blog ho) princess, but you supplied me with a fabulous post as well. You rock baby. Come here and let Brookie hold you close.

34 comments:

ducklet said...

Ha! The best part was the look on Neil's face as we switched positions.

You should really get blinds.

Knitty Kitty said...

brooke you are the coolest.

Nick said...

You are not the coolest. In fact, you suck.

Monkey said...

I love this! I want more. I'm addicted in a filthy, watching a soap opera while eating chocolate kind of way. It's so tawdry! So fabulous! So much chewy goodness.

I'm going to get drunk this vacation and send you an email. So there.

Egan said...

Fuck, what's in the water here in the Northwest? Brandon, you rule buddy. Brooke, have a professed my drunked married love for you yet? Zut alors. Maybe at a later date... say next week? I can feel the love. Just the type of post you needed after the comment food fight.

Bill said...

I keep seeing references to your boobs. Just how big are these suckers anyway?

And why is it no one ever sends drunken posts or e-mails to guys? I never get these kinds of things. Is it because my chest is concave? My body type skeletal?

Not that I want to get e-mails from anyone named Brandon. A Betty, a Babs, a Bonnie ... but not a Brandon. My orientation is somewhat specific. Still, it would be nice if someone wanted to pass out on my ... well, you can complete that sentence yourself.

Very entertaining. Very troubling. All a blog should be.

yournamehere said...

Brooke,
I'm not married, but I do love you and I will be drunk in the near future. Expect an email soon.

JJ said...

Am I gonna have to kick somebody's ass?

Brookelina said...

Brando - you told me that rustling sound was your new sheets!

Knitty - no, you are!

Nick - I love you sweet little Nicky.

Monkey - drunken emails professing love - does it really get any better than that? I would be honored if you sent me a drunken email.

Egan - I'm sorry I took Brando away from you. I'm sure Flounder will make it all better.

Bill - you should know by now that the world revolves around the boobies. All the boobies, not just mine.

Todd - drunk lovey emails from Kentucky! Now that is something to look forward to!

JJ - I think so. Get 'em JJ! I'll stand over here and look pouty.

none - ya said...

Okay, again I'm getting funny stares from around the office because I'm laughing too loud. It's like a drunk dial but with email. Gotta love it.

Tumbleweed said...

You rule! All I get is drunken phone calls. I may be drunk tonight and I will profess my love for you. It won't be in a filthy way, the men on your blog would enjoy that too much!

Brookelina said...

Mackenzie - The best part is that is the first email I've ever gotten from Brando.

Tumbleweed - we used to call it "banshee dialing" - calling people in the middle of the night in a drunken stupor. Now with cell phones it's easier than ever. Please feel free to email me or leave commenets about any filthy love you have for me.

sandra said...

Filthy love, how I love thee... (sigh)

I think the last drunk email I got was from an ex-boyfriend who found a photo of someone wearing ratty sweats and sent it to me "because it reminded me of you".

Hmm. Maybe the sweats were filthy? And the photo was sent with love?

Lo Lo Lova said...

I'm not drunk and I love you, Brookie :)

Dan-E said...

i'd drunk-email you professing my love except it costs way too much to get me drunk. that and i don't really love you. but i do think you're cool. sorta.

Knitty Kitty said...

i never get drunken emails... how sad.

Jill said...

I love you too, Brooke. And given my recent comments about Nicole Eggert, I think that's going to give all my male readers the wrong idea. Not that you can't be as crush-worthy as a young Nicole Eggert, which of course you could be. And are. Dammit, Brooke, will you be my blogcrush? I can't love you as filthily as Brando can, but I can cook. What can he offer?

ducklet said...

I can cook.

Ha!

Your move, Jill, of JillWrites

Brookelina said...

Sandra - it sounds like he deserves the title of "ex boyfriend" for sure.

Lo Lo - I love you too baby!

Dan - that was really sweet. Kind of.

Knitty - seriously, you don't think that is sad do you?

Jill - we are treading into some interesting territory here. I think you are about to make me extraordinarily popular.

Brando - fight for me baby! Fight for me!

Jill said...

I could LITERALLY have Brooke's babies. If she had sperm.

SO THERE!

ducklet said...

I STILL BREASTFEED

Check and mate

Übermilf said...

What about Nick's penis?

Jill said...

Hey Brooke, how 'bout a threesome with Viggo?

Brandon, you willing to go there?

Brookelina said...

This is so awesome.

ducklet said...

hell, i'd be up for a twosome with viggo. he's a good looking man.

Jill said...

Then let's just have an orgy and get it over with.

Bill said...

Had we but dirt enough, and grime,
Your cleanness, Lady, were no crime
We would sit down and wash all day
And scrub and rub our filth away…

But, though we cannot make our skin
Be clean, yet we will make it sin.

(apologies to Andrew Marvell)

Brookelina said...

Origes, threesomes, twosomes...whateva! I'm drunk. Woohoo! Write more when I'm sober.


Took me 5 mintues to write this damn thing.

jiggs said...

I bet you're expecting me to say something like "I want to be pressed against your boobies". And while that might be true, I don't beg for it. I've got self-respect. Also I have my own boobies that I can enjoy in private. without anyone else.

Bill said...

You're drunk? Write me a filthy e-mail!

miss kendra said...

merry merry to you and your boobies.

unless they're jewish, then happy hannukah.

Neil said...

I've been so bogged down with defending my honor at Blogebrity, that when I finally come home for a little love and kindness, what do I find -- Brooke shagging with another man?!

Brooke, make sure you go to Blogebrity today and say something in my defense. Then, maybe I will forgive you.

Nick said...

I'm the kind of guy that can really put the brakes on an orgy, so I'll step out.

What about my penis?

Neil, this is what happens when you care more about your online namesake getting dragged through digital mud more than a sassy minx like Brooke.


Brooke - Where's my pudding!?

Brookelina said...

Jiggs - show me the pompadour!

Bill - too late. I'm sober again.

Kendra - thank you muchly.

Neil - you really need to let this blog/douche brity stuff go.

Nick - what about your penis? I have no idea. I'll be posting the pudding post haste.