Monday, February 06, 2006

I'm Driving in My Car

A typical drive home for me - complete with thoughts (black), ranting (red), and singing (blue). No need to worry for my safety, windows stay closed so nobody can hear my horrendous singing or my ferocious potty mouth. If you are offended by bad words, then please move on. Thank you.

it's only monday and you're already fried.....little fuckers can't be good for just one day...what the fuck...frigging parents should be neutered...stop bitching...you're going to miss them like crazy when you move...shut up..don't think about that now...oh very nice...drive much bitch...love the way you used that turn signal...no no no...i didn't need to know you were turning...i'm psychic...stupid twat.......oooooh...good song.... i hate everything about you...why do i love you....you hate everything about me....why do you love me....... check the cell phone...see if he called...dumbass..he didn't call..he's not going to call...get over it...move on already...fuck....just check it already while you're at the light....what is that smell...asshole in the next car blowing his cigarettes smoke right in the car...nice....fuck i want one of those...i wonder if i smile.....oops...green light...move along dipshit.....ooooooooooh...look at that antique shop...i have to got to stop there one of these days.....jesus christ could this fuckhead go any fucking slower......accelerator is on the right asshole.....there ya go....good...it's ok to go over 25 in a 40 zone...really...it is....asswipe...when it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love ...you'll understand what I mean when I say there's no way we're gonna give up...and like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams....is there anyone out there cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe....why am i so hungry...what did i have for lunch....soup...god i want some greasy fries...no ..bad...fries are bad and go right to your ass.... oh my god....fucktard just made a left turn from the right lane...where the fuck do these assholes learn to drive...oh i'm so sorry...you were busy on the phone and smoking a cigarette while you were driving...next time why don't you jerk your boyfriend off while you're at it...dumb fucking twat...i hate these florida drivers....how much longer before i move home....don't think about it...then you start thinking about packing and that is almost as bad as the idea of staying....packing blows...wonder how much it would cost to get them to pack for me... for god's sake doesn't anybody actually stop at a fucking stop sign...yes dickless...it's my right of way...i hate this damn street...almost there....so close...and here we go...another Q-tip in front of me...oh my god if you were going any slower you'd be going backwards...that antique in his wheelchair just passed us....ok....too many commercials...switch...uggghhh...Mariah Carey...the world's ugliest female impersonator...when are people going to realize she has a penis...oh....much better...and when we meet...which i'm sure we will ....all that was there..will be there still ....i'll let it pass ...and hold my tongue ...and you will think....that I've moved on ...ohhhh...is that a white truck coming towards me...no way...yep...it's him...the cop...yeah yeah...i'm smiling..i'm waving...i hear you beeping... hi!....could have at least tried to track me down .. jerk ...i can't wait to get in the tub... and i need to write a new blog post.....pizza....pizza sounds good....and a nap....that sounds good too....oooh...it's monday...24 is on...yay...

Oh I almost forgot....Calzone has no penis...pass it on...

86 comments:

Sonya said...

Damm, are we driving the same streets? LOL!

Ruben said...

I have road rage so bad that they need to invent a new term to describe mine.

Cactus Prick said...

I love it. It's suprisingly similar to my driving adventures, only I fart alot and have to roll down the windows.

babyjewels said...

Oh how I wish we could car pool.

Brian said...

Nice use of the word fucktard...But really, it was a great post ;-)

miss kendra said...

mmmm pizza.

i miss cheese.

Monkey said...

In Florida you take your life into your own hands each time you drive. My brother calls them "coffin dodgers".

Calzone said...

holy fuck...its like a frigging hamster on a wheel in there

Egan said...

Hey, next time this happens you need to call 415-856-0205, Audioblogger.

Brookelina said...

Sonya - you from Florida?

Ruben - I'll put my potty mouth up against yours any day. Wait...that didn't come out right...

Prick - so when I come to visit you I'll rent my own car.

BabyJ - oh now that would be fun. And scary.

Brian - you are a dollbaby. Thank you.

Miss K - you gave up cheese??? But...why???

Monkey - it's safer to swim in the Everglades than to drive on 95.

Calzone - shut up dumbass, your train of thought is still boarding at the station.

Oh...psssssst....Calzone has no penis...pass it on...

jiggs said...

baby you can drive my car...
but only if you do something about your roadrage.

Brookelina said...

Oh Egan...we posted at the same time. That was hot.

Jiggs - fuck you. Gimme the keys.

Monkey said...

psst... Calzone has no penis... pass it on...

Charlie "the party" Manson said...

Baby, it's not what you think.

Egan said...

...beep beep n beep beep....

Calzone said...

God my cock is huge...pass it on.

Calzone said...

I rented my cock out as a tent at a wedding last weekend

Calzone said...

Its really that fucking big

Calzone said...

I mean fuck!!!!!!!

Its goddamn huge!!!

Calzone said...

The other day my cock was on time, but I was three minutes late!!!!

Monkey said...

When Calzone says "cock", he means the ceramic rooster his granny gave him for Christmas.

Charlie "the party" Manson said...

OHHHH!! Calzone got burned!!

Good one monkey!

Calzone said...

Okay Ill say prick..its huge

Brookelina said...

pssssssst....Calzone has no penis....pass it on....

Charlie "the party" Manson said...

Dickless Dragon

The real me said...

Brooke if we ever read you complaining about NJ drivers, I'm gonna throw this back in your face!

I have to go pee now from laughing so hard... brilliant baby - oh, and I'm glad I'm not the only almost-40 lady who loves Maroon 5!
I actually dragged my husband to their concert last year... let's just say we helped bring the average age up several years!
But I digress...

Brookelina said...

Charlie... you have a penis.. right?

jiggs said...

One time somebody tried to kill calzone by dropping him out of an airplane. That was the wrong move. He used his foreskin as a parachute. It's true. His dick really is that big.

Calzone said...

My penis is so huge that if wear red shorts kids yell "Hey Kool Aid"!

Calzone said...

My cock is so huge I put it on a dollar bill and it turned into four quarters

Calzone said...

My cock is so huge I have to pull down my pants to get into my pockets

Calzone said...

My cock is so huge when you put in the scale it says to be continued.

Calzone said...

My balls are so huge you could show slides on them

Brookelina said...

You don't have any pants.

jiggs said...

Calzone... Your balls are big? I remember them being extremely small... It was a little sad actually seeing you there with your giant penis and tiny little balls. Your balls were the size of mentos. And believe me. They weren't the freshmaker.

Brookelina said...

Jiggs - those were Mentos. And the cock was a dildo. Didn't you notice it was plastic? And bright fuschia? And had batteries??

Calzone said...

My cock is so big I sat on the beach and green peace tried to throw it in the ocean

Brookelina said...

That was because of the smell. It was worse than all of the dead fish in the sea. You really need to take that thing off and wash it once in a while.

Calzone said...

My cock is so big that when women get on top of me their ears pop

Neil said...

Remind me to avoid all roads you drive on.

Brookelina said...

TRM - I love that song, it's very sexy. Glad you got a good laugh out of my daily stress!

Neil - I'm an exellent driver.

Calzone - dickless blog squatter.

Charlie "the party" Manson said...

I don't understand what your problem is, Brooke?

Tumbleweed said...

Get outta my fucking head Brooke, that shit is crazy. I swear I had no idea anyone thought that same crap I did! Are we losing it or is that shit normal??

Egan said...

I see my blog squatting position on this blog has been filled.

darth said...

uh..that cop didn't follow you home again, did he?

Dan said...

How did you manage to get all this down?

yournamehere said...

Blogger just ate my comment. Fuck blogger. It was a brilliant comment filled with humor and wisdom and pathos -PATHOS!!!- and now it's gone.

I likes me some boobies.

That's all I have left.

Calzone said...

Brooke is a man

Bill said...

One day I'll have to learn how to drive a car so I can do this too.

Egan said...

Brooke is a man?

sunshine said...

I loved this post!!

Here in Orlando, one of our newspaper columnists wrote that you should enter any intersection the way a deer enters a clearing during hunting season. He was so right!

Brookelina said...

Jiggs - that parachute story is a lie. I was the one that dropped him out of the airplane. He landed on his belly and bounced right into a gay bar.

Charlie - I will not share you with a bevy of bimbos. I don't need you to satisfy me, I can always use Calzone's strap-on for that.

Weed - I want to move somewhere remote and isolated so nobody will ever bother me on the road again. I hate all drivers, all of them.

Egan - once he starts talking about his strap-on, there is no stopping him.

Darth - he works on my street, so if he had really been interested he'd have been stalking me by now.

Dan - I have an excellent memory.

Todd - I love your pathos. Did you know that Calzone has no penis?

Calzone - you wish I was a man...that would justify all these uncomfortable feelings about men that you have.

Bill - excuse me?

Egan - oh so now you want a piece of me too, huh? Calzone is your man...you two would make an adorable couple. The problem is...he's got no penis...pass it on...

Sunny - the end of my street is a four way stop. Every day it's a new adventure!

Flounder said...

But are Florida blue-haired drivers worse than shoobie drivers?

Just think Brooke, in a few months, when you write one of these, you can say, "FM 95 suncheck, ding, it's time to turn over."

Charlie "the party" Manson said...

Whatever Brooke, you're totally over reacting, again. You said I could see other girls. How about I make it up to you?

Calzone said...

Whether I have one or not everyone talking abouy my penis is hot

Nick said...

You know what's really sad? It's early february and Jiggs' comment about Calzone's Ball not being The Freshmaker just moved into first place for comment of the year.

Also, Most Terrifying Visual of the Year, but I'm sure that's temporary.

Nick said...

balls. s.

The real me said...

Not nearly as sexy as "Secret"... Check the lyrics on THAT one!

Übermilf said...

She's come undone.

It's okay, Brooke, it's okay...

JJ said...

You're right, I'm never gonna call.

Thérèse said...

I may have to blog-stalk you, Brooke.

Thérèse said...

I mean... you're okay with that, right?

Thérèse said...

Before you answer, you should know that by it's very nature, blog-stalking will happen to you whether you consent or not.

Thérèse said...

Just ask Egan. It's not like he pays me.

Although he so should.

Thérèse said...

And thus commences the blog-stalking.

Thérèse said...

Looks like slow-ass asshole drivers are popular worldwide.

Thérèse said...

And pizza is like Cheeseburgers. Healthy. All four food groups are in there.

Bill said...

I don't drive. Never have. So I'm not relating to this very well. Do you mean to say there are actually assholes inside of cars? Who would have thought?

Egan said...

Oh shit, Thérèse is now stalking you Brooke! Consider yourself officially popular.

Sizzle said...

i.love.it!

Egan said...

Just wonderful, now she's commenting on my blog. I think Thérèse works for the Canadian government. She's not to be trusted. Anyone that lives in New Brunswick year round is wacky.

im here somewhere said...

stupid twat is my favorite expression!

will you be my girlfriend again?

you can move here. minnesota drivers arent that bad.

The real me said...

"Slow these engines
Calm these jets
I ask you how hot can it get
and as you wipe off beads of sweat
slowly you say...

I'm not there yet."


Hope I got it right - after a 1/2 bottle of some cheap Spanish red swill, my brain doesn't work as quickly as it should...

Brookelina said...

Flounder - imagine a typical summer weekend of shoobies driving through Ventnor...then times that by ten...and then imagine it year round.

Charlie - ok. I'm listening.

Calzone - we are talking about your nonexistent penis. That's not hot. That's just sad.

Nick - I know, that one knocked me out too. Jiggs kills me.

TRM - it's not the words..it's the beat...very driving...very sexed up...

Ubie - help me.

JJ - you love me and you know it.

Brookelina said...

Therese - I have no problem with being stalked. You're not gonna like...hurt me...or lock me in your basement and feed me nothing but bologna...are you?

Bill - you've never driven? How do you ....get places?

Egan - you haven't arrived until you have a proper stalker. I'm really quite thrilled. And terrified.

Sizz - i. love. your. new. pic!

BH - what the hell is with the name change??? How about Black Hole Sun instead?

TRM - now that is hot.

Cincysundevil said...

Now, that is hilarious; you swear like a sailor ... that is pretty cool.

marriedman said...

It's nice to be back.

hey, brooke, what's up baby?

Brookelina said...

Cincy - I'm a total potty mouth. You didn't know that?

MM - oh my. I didn't know til recently that you are...who you are. I'm extremely disturbed by this. That picture makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon.

Egan said...

I miss you Brooke.

Bill said...

I wait till the world comes to me. :-)

Actually, I walk. Or take buses or cabs. Sometimes friends will give me a lift. But I'd say walking is my big thing.

Have I mentioned that I'm skinny? I am.

Brookelina said...

Ego - awwww...you're such a sweetie...at least someone misses me!

Bill - but....why???

Thérèse said...

No, never, Brooke.

Canned tuna, maybe, but never, ever bologna.

Ramblin Writer said...

Love It!!!

Spinning Girl said...

This was much fun to read. I might copy this someday. You don't mind, right? :)

King of Cake said...

I am fascinated. Brooke Brain for Breakfast. A good start to the day.

Brookelina said...

Therese - I love tuna. Please make sure it's in water though. Thank you.

Ramblin - thank you!

SG - be my guest. I steal plenty from you.

King - you always know just what to say.