Thursday, November 30, 2006

Top Ten Reasons Living Alone Sucks


1-10. Nobody to take care of you when you are sick.

Please send chicken soup.
Thank you.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Top Ten Good Things About Living Alone


Also known as 10 things I can do in my apartment that I don't have to be embarrassed about since nobody else is around to see it.

  1. I can shloof around in my favorite ratty sweatpants with the big hole in the ass and not wear panties.
  2. I can spend an entire day watching reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
  3. I can have cake for breakfast.
  4. I can have popcorn for dinner.
  5. I can consume all the greasy pancakes I want.
  6. I can sweat and moan and groan all I want while doing my Tae Bo.
  7. I can take an hour long bubble bath and nobody will ruin it by needing to take a poop while I'm in the tub.
  8. I can go days - even weeks - without shaving my legs.
  9. I can sleep in the center of the bed, hog all the covers, and take off my pajamas in my sleep without bothering anyone.
  10. I can enjoy my fantasies about my various crushes with no sense of guilt whatsoever.

Next: Top Ten Reasons Living Alone Sucks


Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Ms. Woes - Now With New More Appropriate Spelling

We teachers don't make much money, nor do we get much appreciation. That's the just the way things are in our society - a blonde stick figure makes millions to smile and starve - while someone who is truly contributing to the future makes barely enough to pay the rent. However, this is not a complaining post, because we do get certain bonuses that make it worth the crappy pay and lack of appreciation. And besides, who would listen? So, in honor of the Thanksgiving holiday, I thought I'd share the following exchanges so you can see why I am thankful that I am a teacher - and not a vapid, anorexic, bleach-blonde bimbo. Enjoy.

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Ms. Woes, you marked this one wrong, but I got it right.

I'm sorry honey! I guess I just read it wrong. I'll fix it.

That's ok. You're still the greatest teacher in the history of the universe.

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Ms. Woes, from now on you will call me Bubbie*. And I will call you Bubbie. We will be Bubbie to each other and nobody else. OK? You got it?

So let me get this straight. You are commanding me to call you by a nickname that you came up with yourself, and you will call me the same name.

Right.

You got it. You want to tell me why?

Because I love you so much. And I want to have a little part of you all to myself.

Later I asked her where she came up with the name Bubbie. I was curious as to why she wanted me to call her my jewish grandmother. Her response was,
I found it. In my head.


Well, I can't argue with that.

* A little added note about my Bubbie. She is a tiny Spanish thing with enormous eyes who skips wherever she goes. She is insanely cute, and one would never guess that she spent the better part of the beginning of the school year beating the crap out of all the boys in class. Kicking, pinching, and slapping were her areas of expertise. She has since gotten better and now just bosses everyone around. Today the biggest boy in class called her Bubbie. She made him cry.

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Ms. Wose! Sharkbait said the "E" word!

Really? What's the "E" word?

Idiot.

Again, I can't argue with that.

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The new "thing" in class is for the kids to beg me to take them home with them. So the following is a typical exchange with my kids on any given day. It usually starts out with one and then all start chiming in.

Ms. Woes!! I want to come live with you!! Take me home!!

Can you cook?

YES!!

Can you clean?

YES!!

Can you do laundry?

YES!!

You can not!! You can't even reach the buttons! You're no good to me! Come back in a few years when you're over three feet tall!

NO!!! We can do it!!

Hmmmm....can you drive? I'll need you to buy the groceries.

Yes!! We can drive!

You can not!! You can't even see over the steering wheel! Liars! Forget it!

Of course at this point they are all giggling uncontrollably, and now the serious bargaining begins.

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease take us home with you!

No way, what do I get out of it?

I can do your hair!

No.

I can wash your car!!

No.

I can make Crème Brulée!!!

Crème Brulée...hmmmm.

I can do your taxes!!

You can't even do double digit addition! Forget it! No way!

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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And my favorite, from my new Bubbie, who may have just made my year.

You all did so well on that test! I'm so proud of my smarties!

Ms. Woes, you know why we are so smart?

No, why?

Because you are here for us.

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Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Weekly Forecast for November 20, 2006

You are more in touch with your emotions on Monday than you have been in a while. Am I going to be crying a lot? I hate that. My eyes get all puffy. Consequently, you're asking more probing questions of others than they're used to being asked hehehe, they said probing -- and the answers you're getting are deep. Hehehe, they said deep. Tuesday and Wednesday see you being daring in other ways, too, but not being wild. Oh for sure! I have a totally daring new green bean recipe I'm trying out for the holiday. You have a lot of responsibility this week and that's something new?, at least until Thursday and Friday woohoo no school!, when your hard work pays off and you have some free time at your disposal. What's more, you have someone who makes your heart jump to spend it with. Oh yeah? Is he hot? He better be hot. Saturday and Sunday are illuminating. So many things this could be, please be more specific.

Horoscope: Astrology.com - Commentary: The Babbling Brooke

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Fortune and Fantasy

Fortune: no I didn't hit the lottery yet, so don't get too excited. But I did get Chinese take-out last night and got an extra fortune cookie! Woohoo! Yes shut up I know my life is pathetic and I don't care. However, I have decided that these two fortune cookies were matched by the evil fortune cookie factory writers simply to taunt the future-too-lazy-to-cook-her-own-dinner recipient. Here are my fortunes, you decide:

  1. Your skills and talents will be called on in unusual areas.


  2. Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.

Now I ask you, can you think of a more unusual area for my skills and talents to be called on than to smooch an elephant? What if someone had called on me to do just that? Which fortune should I have ignored? This will be the dilemma that haunts me for months to come.

Fantasy: don't get too excited about this one either. After my distressing fortune cookie incident, I cheered myself up by watching my favorite new show with my favorite new object of desire. Yes shut up I've heard the gay rumors and I don't care. But not only was my recently escaped released prison hunk on, but so were the Tampa Bay Buccaneers! Yes shut up I know they lost and I don't care. This has nothing to do with football, though as those close to me know, I'm a football freak. No no no, it just so happens that I am more interested in the coach of the Bucs than I am the actual team. For some bizarre reason he just does it for me. And as I watched his sideline antics with more than a little shame... I recalled that I had written about how Jon Gruden just happens to be my shamefully shaggable man - exactly one year ago to the day! Yes, Gruden still makes me hot. Nice to know some things don't change.

Ok maybe not.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Five Things That Make Me Go EEEEK!


1. Bugs. Hate 'em. All of 'em. Except for ladybugs. They are adorable and I do everything I can to save them. I used to feel this way about spiders too. "NO! Don't hurt the spider! It could be Charlotte!" That sympathy went out the window after I lived in Australia and learned about spiders like this.

2. Light bulbs. Not in general, it's not like I have some twisted phobia. I just hate when they blow out. I squeal like a little girl when they make that pop sound as you turn on the light. It's really quite embarassing. I also break into a small sweat when I have to pull a new one out of its protective cardboard casing. Will it come cleanly? Will my freakishly strong fingers bust through the delicate glass? Someday when I find a man, lightbulbs will be his dominion.

3. Shopping. Clearly I am missing some sort of girlie gene that makes the shopping experience enjoyable. I especially hate shopping for clothes. And shoes. And lingerie. Pretty much anything that I have to physically try on is not a pleasant time for me. Today I went shoe shopping and I could not wait to get out of the store - and that was just to buy work shoes! Buying high heels? The very thought makes me break out in hives. Are they cute according to the cute girlie standards? Or are they trashy and make me look like a $20 whore? I have no clue.

4. Poop.I really don't like anything poop. I mean, I like a good poop joke as much as the next person, but the reality of poop makes me very uncomfortable. Actually it's not the poop itself, it's the odor. I have a highly sensitive sense of smell, and poo stink just makes me gag. There are few things worse than walking into a bathroom where someone has just dropped a cagadota. Dirty diapers, doggy doo, even just stanky farts can bring bile to my throat. In fact, this entire paragraph is making me a little ill.

5. Boys. EEEEK!

Friday, November 10, 2006

Photo Caption Contest!

















Rick Santorum and family during his concession speech.

Winner will get nothing and like it.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

This Pleases Me to No End

You Are Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"We saved the world. I say we have to party."

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Keyword Searches and Asshats

I so enjoy seeing how people land on my site that I am thinking of making this a monthly feature. Yes, that is what I am going to do. Starting now I will post keyword searches at the beginning of each month. Or the end of each month. Either way. I'll have to think about it. I feel my anal retentiveness going into overdrive.

You Looking for Me?
Brooke - now found in Iran!
Brooke needs - newly #1!
Brooke sucks - not #1!! Yay!
The story of Brooke - I started out as a child...
Badgirl Brooke - #1 for this one is titled "Bad Girl Brooke Gets a Spanking." No, it's not me. Shut up.

Perverts
Accidental Flash - still #1!
I want to see my teacher's boobs - from St. Paul Minnesota. I do believe I have a friend in that area.
Women's Rears - that could be just about anyone.
Does Jon Gruden have a honey girlfriend? - I'll be his honey girl! (Shut up!!)
Barbra twat - who is in no relation to Turkey Twat or Ham Twat.
Barney Fife lookalike - ew.
Dakota Fanning lookalike - seriously.
Bea Arthur lookalike - what the hell is wrong with these people?
Amsterdam hookers drunk - I'm so ashamed.

Things That Make You Go What the Fuck?
My body feels like its boiling and going to explode - I hope they found a doctor.
Priceless grampa fish - see title of this section.
Breakfast of champions coffee cigarettes - this is either my doppelganger or the man I've been waiting for my whole life.
Cheeburger for gays - I think that all people, regardless of sexuality, are entitled to a good cheeburger.

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While the searches are amusing, they have also brought some stress. I have a new freak hanging around my blog. Unlike the regular freaks that hang about, this freak is not welcome and is starting to piss me off. For purposes of this post, I will call him Asshat. Asshat seems to be obsessed with someone named Mel and someone else named Jason. Now, it seems that Jason has a dog named Ralph. Coincidentally, I once wrote about a guy I knew - 15 years ago - who had a dog named Ralph. Here is the post, it happens to be one of my favorites.

Asshat was apparently doing a search for Jason and Ralph when he happened upon my blog. Because Asshat is an illiterate troglodyte, he did not bother reading anything else on my blog, and has now become convinced that I am this girl Mel under another identity. I'm sure there are thousands of girls out there who go undercover as 41 year old single schoolteachers to attract men, and I can't help but wonder how that's working for them. It's doing shit-all for my social life, that's for sure.

Asshat went so far as to leave obscene comments on my blog. Allow me to share.

Melanie you are fat and ugly. Cut out your tongue and what is left - one ugly mean person. - left on the celebrity look-alike post - so apparently it's true!! I'm fat and ugly! Woah is me.

sent to your husband mel. you are pathetic. - left on my post about losing my second mom. So mourning the loss of a loved one is pathetic.

I think that Jason has a lot to answer for. Melanie S. has leveled some pretty serious allegations against what Jason lets Ralph do to women. - left on the Ralph post last month. And may I add - HUH??

Ask Melanie Spencer what she thinks of Ralph. I think she might say that Ralph likes Jason's girl friend as much as he does. Sick. - also left on the Ralph post last month. HUH???

Not only has Asshat left me these completely bizarre and fucked up comments, but he has gone so far as to create a completely incoherent blog and list me on there as - are you ready for this - Jason's Dog home page written by Melanie. My blog is a dog's homepage??? Who knew?

I made a comment on Asshat's blog telling him to leave me alone, and while he hasn't been back, he didn't take me off his blog either. Feel free to go over there to recommend some medications and forms of therapy for Asshat. And thank him for taking a perfectly lovely post about a dog saving my life and turning it into something sick and twisted in his fucked up little world. Also, feel free to kick his ass and make him cry like a girl.

Thank you. Please send Grand Marnier.