Saturday, November 04, 2006

Keyword Searches and Asshats

I so enjoy seeing how people land on my site that I am thinking of making this a monthly feature. Yes, that is what I am going to do. Starting now I will post keyword searches at the beginning of each month. Or the end of each month. Either way. I'll have to think about it. I feel my anal retentiveness going into overdrive.

You Looking for Me?
Brooke - now found in Iran!
Brooke needs - newly #1!
Brooke sucks - not #1!! Yay!
The story of Brooke - I started out as a child...
Badgirl Brooke - #1 for this one is titled "Bad Girl Brooke Gets a Spanking." No, it's not me. Shut up.

Accidental Flash - still #1!
I want to see my teacher's boobs - from St. Paul Minnesota. I do believe I have a friend in that area.
Women's Rears - that could be just about anyone.
Does Jon Gruden have a honey girlfriend? - I'll be his honey girl! (Shut up!!)
Barbra twat - who is in no relation to Turkey Twat or Ham Twat.
Barney Fife lookalike - ew.
Dakota Fanning lookalike - seriously.
Bea Arthur lookalike - what the hell is wrong with these people?
Amsterdam hookers drunk - I'm so ashamed.

Things That Make You Go What the Fuck?
My body feels like its boiling and going to explode - I hope they found a doctor.
Priceless grampa fish - see title of this section.
Breakfast of champions coffee cigarettes - this is either my doppelganger or the man I've been waiting for my whole life.
Cheeburger for gays - I think that all people, regardless of sexuality, are entitled to a good cheeburger.


While the searches are amusing, they have also brought some stress. I have a new freak hanging around my blog. Unlike the regular freaks that hang about, this freak is not welcome and is starting to piss me off. For purposes of this post, I will call him Asshat. Asshat seems to be obsessed with someone named Mel and someone else named Jason. Now, it seems that Jason has a dog named Ralph. Coincidentally, I once wrote about a guy I knew - 15 years ago - who had a dog named Ralph. Here is the post, it happens to be one of my favorites.

Asshat was apparently doing a search for Jason and Ralph when he happened upon my blog. Because Asshat is an illiterate troglodyte, he did not bother reading anything else on my blog, and has now become convinced that I am this girl Mel under another identity. I'm sure there are thousands of girls out there who go undercover as 41 year old single schoolteachers to attract men, and I can't help but wonder how that's working for them. It's doing shit-all for my social life, that's for sure.

Asshat went so far as to leave obscene comments on my blog. Allow me to share.

Melanie you are fat and ugly. Cut out your tongue and what is left - one ugly mean person. - left on the celebrity look-alike post - so apparently it's true!! I'm fat and ugly! Woah is me.

sent to your husband mel. you are pathetic. - left on my post about losing my second mom. So mourning the loss of a loved one is pathetic.

I think that Jason has a lot to answer for. Melanie S. has leveled some pretty serious allegations against what Jason lets Ralph do to women. - left on the Ralph post last month. And may I add - HUH??

Ask Melanie Spencer what she thinks of Ralph. I think she might say that Ralph likes Jason's girl friend as much as he does. Sick. - also left on the Ralph post last month. HUH???

Not only has Asshat left me these completely bizarre and fucked up comments, but he has gone so far as to create a completely incoherent blog and list me on there as - are you ready for this - Jason's Dog home page written by Melanie. My blog is a dog's homepage??? Who knew?

I made a comment on Asshat's blog telling him to leave me alone, and while he hasn't been back, he didn't take me off his blog either. Feel free to go over there to recommend some medications and forms of therapy for Asshat. And thank him for taking a perfectly lovely post about a dog saving my life and turning it into something sick and twisted in his fucked up little world. Also, feel free to kick his ass and make him cry like a girl.

Thank you. Please send Grand Marnier.


Übermilf said...

Consider his ass kicked.

Übermilf said...

I think he changed it. Did he at least apologize?

yournamehere said...

This truly freaks me out.

Brookelina said...

Ubie - he didn't change it. Asshat is such an incompetent fuck that he can't even make a link properly. He simply copied and pasted his google search onto his page. Look again, it's worth seeing.

Todd - thank you. Now go kick some ass.

NewYorkMoments said...

Kind of makes you question natural selection, huh?

Sizzle said...

seriously, he's off his rocker!

Nick said...

Actually, I'm Mel. I've been hiding from this guy for a number of years. Sorry to perpetrate this fraud upon all of you.

Churlita said...

I hate the internets for exactly this kind of shit. I had a crazy bugging me and he would send me these bizarre e-mails with everything written in caps so it seemed like he was always yelling at me. Even after I abandoned my old blog he left one last comment in it about how he knew exactly how I felt as he had to keep changing his to get rid of weirdos too. You can't run from yourself, buddy.

Brookelina said...

NYM - agreed. And makes me fear for the future of the gene pool.

Sizz - seriously!

Nick - what happened to your blog affiliates of justice? Where are the heroes when we need them? Oh woah is me!

Churlita - I like that, that he was trying to get away from weirdos too. Imagine his definition of "weirdo."

Janet said...

I paid him a visit. I concluded that he needs some meds. It's rather ridiculous the things that end up in Google's search engine.

Sysm said...

Time to use the dreaded "Flag" command, to have AssHat blackballed.

Dan-E said...

come on now, you like the attention. admit it. ;-)

sleepydog said...

I popped in and said hi.

Anything for you Brooke !

Think Frustrated said...

I think there are a few quarters missing from his change...

You have your first nutjob stalker. It's kind of a milestone, isn't it? Maybe not.

Monkey said...

Oh my! A case of Grand Marnier coming right up!

I'm headed right over there to leave poo on his doorstep. I hate internet stalkers. They take the fun out of everything.

miss kendra said...

you get the best drama.

BV said...

At least he didn't call you a FAT SLUT. Or tell you that if you weren't such a FAT SLUT you wouldn't need to take birth control. Yeah, I had one of those. Whatever, that's why anonymous comments are stupid. At least you know this guy has a's better than not knowing at all. I know that was a lame attempt at comforting, but Momma's all out of cake today.

Brookelina said...

Janet - no kidding. My mistake for using real names in my post. Never again!

Sysm - yes! Brilliant!! Go forth and flag!!!

Dan - and here I was being nice to you through your break-up. Not anymore!!

Sleepy - I can always count on my Sleepydog.

TF - actually I've had other stalkers. But they were sort of fun.

Monkey - exactly! And it's a false stalking! I'm not even the right person! Harumph!

Kendra - this drama I don't need. Maybe Leonard Nimoy could barf on him?

Blonde - he said I was fat and ugly! He made me cry! Ok not really. But he still said mean things!

Brookelina said...

You know what would be hilarious? If I deleted this post. Then he'd have no idea why everyone came after him. Though he probably doesn't know now, being all medicated the way he is.

Egan said...

That guy is very odd Brooke. Html skills are a gift not all of us are blessed with, he'll learn. It freaks me out a bit, but then again it is cyberspace.

NotCarrie said...

We don't get any good keyword searches. Every once and awhile we do.

jiggs said...

i hate asshats. I thought about initiating a blog affiliates of justice act, but it looks like the problem has solved itself.

Flounder said...

Just own up to it Mel.

Egan said...

What Flounder said. We know you are Mel, there's no fooling us.

Lou Pickney said...

Glad to see that I'm not the only person who finds bizarre things in my website search list...

Tits McGee said...


Poor Brooke!

Cactus Prick said...

Mmmmmm, ham twat....