Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Dumb and Dumber

I found this story in Strange News on my Yahoo! page. Yes, the man starring in the story is clearly dumber than a bag of hammers, but what disturbed me more was how pathetically written this piece was. Now don't get me wrong, I am no grammar expert, but I am not an Associated Press writer either. I always assumed that these writers had to have some sort of expertise in ....you know...writing. My mistake.

Man calls 911 to report stolen drugs

Mon Dec 11, 4:59 PM ET

WICHITA, Kan. - A Wichita man called 911 to report he was the victim of an armed robbery. The theft? A pound of marijuana worth about $1,100 that he had been trying to sell at his home. At his home? Was he trying to sell it to his brothers and sisters? His mom? Grampa? Maybe Gramma needs it for her hip. Also, shouldn't there be some commas in that last sentence?

The victim told police Thursday that a buyer had pulled out a sawed-off shotgun and stole the drugs. Everything about this sentence is wrong. Did the victim tell the police on Thursday? Or did the buyer rob him on Thursday? Why is Thursday an integral part of this one-sentence paragraph? And don't get me started on "had pulled out a sawed-off shotgun and stole the drugs." Learn how to use a verb, asshat.

Police brought in a drug-sniffing dog to the house and located more marijuana and drug paraphernalia. So they brought in a drug-sniffing dog to the house? Not out? Or around? Redundant much? And how much more marijuana? Be specific, you work for a news organization, dipshit.

The victim was booked into Sedgwick County jail on several charges, including possession with the intent to sell drug. Intent to sell drug. Drug is the singular of drugs - the word that should have been used in this sentence. I'm guessing our writer used that word because there was only one drug being sold. Or because he was on drug.

The thief has not been found. Alleged thief! You imbecilic, no-talent moron!!

I can only hope the alleged dealer goes to jail for being an idiot, the alleged thief goes to jail for being a scumbag, and the alleged writer of this story gets fired and gets a job digging ditches.

-----------------------------------------

In other dumb news, maybe fired publisher Judith Regan can get a job working for Mel Gibson.


39 comments:

yournamehere said...

No self-respecting high school newspaper in the country would have that person on their staff.

The real me said...

Maybe the writer's editor was on drug when he approved the copy.

Or perhaps it was the writer's English Comp. teacher in the 12th grade who was on drugs when he commented "You write good, dude" on his final exam.

Hypersonic said...

I agree with most of what you have pointed out. Except the "brought in" that's quite safe as it's the past simple of the phrasal verb "to bring in". As in: "I brought in the special police as the normal police weren't able to find the thief."

Brookelina said...

Todd - my point exactly. Thank you.

TRM - it's quite possible the crappy writing went back that far.

Hyper - but did you have them "brought in" to somewhere? I see what you mean, but the sentence is still crap.

Tim said...

This story reminds me of the classic episode of Cops where a lady flags down the cops because she gave money to a drug dealer and he didn't give her any drugs in return.

Melissa said...

Oh, wow. Reading that made me want to smack my forehead against the desktop until the bad noises went away.

Johnny Pipewrench said...

I dont like to share my drugs,
is that so wrong?

Spinning Girl said...

The Queen's English, people!!!!

Flounder said...

Jews...


Play stupid games.


Jews...


Play stupid games.

Tits McGee said...

That was excruciating.

Thanks for sharing!

jiggs said...

someone woke up on the wrong side of the grammar bed this morning.

Mone said...

oh brooke, I hope you are not getting to mad at my grammar AND spelling while visiting my side...

Thomas said...

Thomas comments.

Flounder said...

Actually Brooke, the entire line about the marijuana isn't a sentence at all. It is a fragment.

--Flounder
Bachelor of Arts, Journalism

Sheets said...

Great. Now I'm going to overanalyze everything I write today.

%#$@&%#$! I have written this comment three times and I'm still uncertain if it's correct!

A pox on you!

TinaPoPo said...

I think it's great how Yahoo! is reaching out to the severely mentally challenged and allowing them to write their breaking news stories.

You know what, that's not fair to severely mentally challenged people. I apologize.

Toby said...

You have a yahoo page.

Judith is a funny name.

Monkey said...

The Queen's English, people!!!!

I love Spinning Girl. And I love you Ham Twat.

I think your supposition that the writer was "on drug" may be correct. Or perhaps it is a cruel joke on the reading public.

TrueJerseyGirl said...

This writer needs to go back to school. Now.

thephoenixnyc said...

This is why that woman wrote "Eats Shoots and Leaves."

Great book.

I love non-violent true crime stories. They always, always show that criminals are criminals for a reason, they really are just too dumb to do anything else.

Brookelina said...

Tim - what happened next? Did she blow the cops? Wait, they probably wouldn't show that huh.

Melissa - it's painful, isn't it?

Johnny - you're a filthy whore. Oh how I've missed you!

Spinning Girl - that's what I'm talking about!

Dr. Flounder - I can't stop singing that song. My mom would not be pleased.

Tits - I almost sent it to you! But it made me so mad I had to spew about it here. Can we still make out?

Jiggs - stop thinking about me in bed.

Brookelina said...

Mone - never ever ever! I'm not an expert, but I'm not a writer for the AP either. I only pick on the professionals.

Thomas - do you often talk about yourself in the third person? Cause around here we taser people who do that.

Dr. Flounder - no way would a doctor know anything about grammar.

Sheets - right back atcha! Pox pox pox!

Tinapopo - you're right, it's not. The only handicaps this writer suffers from are stupidity and a lack of talent.

Toby - your comment is very cryptic. Can I have some of what you're smoking?

Monkey - I love you Turkey Twat!

TJG - him and his editor!

Phoenix - I love that book, it's on my nightstand. Every time you post I want to smack you for marrying someone other than I.

thephoenixnyc said...

I have a question for all of your loyal readers/posters Brooke.

You and I love each other, amuse each other, love reading each other and more. So why is it that NONE of the multitude of you fans ever read my blog, get it like you do and post comments as well?

I don't get it.

Brookelina said...

Cause you didn't marry me?

Toby said...

I don't smoke, but I can hook you up. wink, wink

Anthony said...

I know absolutely nothing about the standards of grammar generally used in journalism, but I do know a bit about English grammar. That certainly isn't the best piece of writing I've read, but it wasn't nearly the worst either.

As for the "the thief" vs. "the alleged thief" part I'd guess that the correct usage would be "the thief" because the lable is not applied to a specific person who has been charged with a crime, but with an unknown criminal. Just because people are innocent until proven guilty does not mean that a crime has not been committed until someone has been found guilty of committing it. Unless of course you mean to imply there was no theft at all.

Tits McGee said...

Pucker up, hot stuff.

Mone said...

Merry Christmas Brookelina :)

Callie said...

See first of all I am just now getting to this post because I was still salivating over the new Bond Picture.

Lemme give it a shot though hold one moment while I put out my doobie...
See in my mind *right* now this is how I comprehend this-

at his house- well duh...he should have had it his his homeys!

intent to sell- well duh again..If he had great skillz such as I, there would be no *intent* about it- it should have been sold or my name aint Big Worm.

the thief- COPS...case closed

buyer pulled out a sawed off shotgun and stole the merchandise. -Cops

But yes..I do understand what you are saying Ms. Brooke. I think you should have the Editors Job.....not just the writer.Go for the whole gusto!

Now I leave you to better days!
adieu

Cactus Prick said...

Written and analyzed like a true virgo. I still love you, even though you left me off your crush list. Bitch.

Hypersonic said...

It be the culture of nstant publishing wat maked it most easy 4 ppl to mek mistakes in grmma and splling. I know this 4 a fact. many ppl dont evn use punctiation prply.

Melliferous Pants said...

I have no idea how you ended up as a teacher.

BV said...

Please don't ever do that to my writing. I'm scared.

Miss Syl said...

Clearly the alleged editor is off at the Christmas party downing too much eggnog.

My wrath goes first to the editor, second to whomever hired that writer (the editor-in-chief, most likely). Writers shouldn't ever be that stupid, but it's not their job to be 100 percent error-free, technically. That a professional editor would have let that article pass her or his desk is a travesty.

And whomever it was who hired that idiot...this is the reason why I had to listen to an hour-long show on NPR about why traditional news organizations are failing. Get your eyes off your profits and on your journalistic quality, fucktards.

matty said...

It's too bad about the subject matter because this could be a fun lesson for your class!!!

Sysm said...

Blogger is, as everyone knows by now, a filthy whore.

It eats my comments.

And I'm nt going to type it a third time. Damn it all to Hell.

Sysm said...

Fine. It took that one. What the fuck?

Hate the beta. Hate the beta.

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