Sunday, February 18, 2007

The X-Files

Idea stolen from Kris.

#1 - if I had married you, I'd suffer the wrath of all who knew us. The disapproval would be palpable from miles away. The fact that you were eight years older than I would not have made much difference as we aged, but it was an enormous difference when we met - me at 18, you at 26. The fact that everyone told me you were a womanizing hellion would have probably have crystallized for me around year two. I'd no doubt be pregnant by then with the first of many. You'd spend your time working and drinking with your friends. I'd spend my time being the good wife and wondering where you were. We'd look like the happy local couple on the outside and go to all the fun local hangout spots where we were expected. But those in the know would cluck their tongues with pity at me, and we'd divorce by the time I was 30 due to your ever-present infidelity.

#2 - if I had married you I'd merely suffer the wrath of your immediate family for destroying your first marriage. Granted, I had nothing to do with it, but no doubt I'd have been blamed. I'd have been a too young stepmother, and I don't think that would have gone over well as time went on. Your late night gigs would have me wondering what you were really up to, but when we were together I'd forget my doubts. We'd share a lot of romance and a lot of genuine love, but we wouldn't have made it in the long run. We would always stay friends, and have friendly coffee dates to keep up with each other's lives.

#3 - if we had married, you would have taken longer to get ready for the ceremony than I, and that would have been a constant joke between us. We would move to Vermont and open that inn that we always wanted. We would give fabulous dinner parties and have many friends. Everyone would wonder how such a quiet man as yourself could have ended up with such a gregarious woman as myself. We'd work hard, and appreciate the skills that we both had and shared. The sex would continue to be off the charts, but the love would eventually dissipate. As time went on you'd really only be interested in me when I caught the attention of other men. Soon we would be more like business partners than lovers. We would divorce but stay business partners. We might stray in and out of each other's beds for years, until one of us found someone else to love, and then we would say good-bye forever.

#4 - if we had married I'd have floated down the aisle. It wouldn't bother me that everyone was looking at the groom on our wedding day, and not the bride, as that's how it had always been in our relationship. We'd live a bohemian life. You wouldn't want to stay still for very long, and I would go wherever you wanted. I'd be the caretaker, the money person, the responsible one. You'd be the dreamer, dragging me from one remote location to another. We'd lie in hammocks and amuse ourselves with conversations about nothing. We'd live in tree houses and ramshackle beach houses. When people would ask how I could stand it, they would only have to take one look at you to know why I followed you everywhere. You'd stay faithful to me despite the constant attention from other women, not because you loved me, but because you really couldn't be bothered. Eventually the vagabond life would be too much for me and I'd leave you, much to my own disbelief. I would move back home and secretly pine for you to come back for me.

#5 - if we had married you'd have done everything in your power to make me happy. You would treat me like a queen on a daily basis - and I would treat you like a king once in a while. I would only appreciate you when I felt myself losing you. People would talk about our age difference but it wouldn't bother us, in fact you would always wear it as a badge of honor that you landed yourself an older American woman. Your parents would continue to hate me for no reason other than I was older and American, especially your mother. The fact that your father and brother would accept me would make things even more difficult. We would end when I cheated on you with #6, whom I never was able to get over, despite us both being married to others.

#6 - if we had married we'd have had more trouble with the logistics of the wedding than the rest of our lives together. We'd spend a fortune trying to please everyone else and no doubt would have been miserable with the result. We'd live in your country, but the city I wanted, and you'd always secretly resent me from taking you away from your hometown. Only when we were alone would we be completely happy, when we could read each other's minds and express ourselves in ways nobody else could understand. We'd laugh when people would ask us how we met, and only a few people would know the real story. You'd always wonder if I wanted to move back home, and I'd always wonder if you were still in love with your ex. You'd be a great father and husband, but deep down I would never completely believe in your love for me. If we'd broken up, it would either be due to my insecurities, or because you slept with the girl I took you from in the first place. I'd move back to the states and never again be able to hear an Australian accent without crying.

#7 - lucky 7. Where the hell are you? It seems like I've been waiting forever.

29 comments:

yournamehere said...

I'm glad you took the "look on the bright side" approach to this little exercise.

Flounder said...

After #3, I really thought that this was going to be 39 ex's and I was going to be here all night.

Cincysundevil said...

I like this idea; except mine would be about women I've loved from afar ... like Ms. Brooke!!

Kid Sis said...

Don't know if I'd be brave enough to do this exercise...what if, what if?

thephoenixnyc said...

"To all the girls I loved before..."

mist1 said...

No matter who I could have married, I'm pretty sure they all would have ended the same way. You know with a "bad" brake job and the cops interviewing me dressed all in black.

Melanie was here said...

Don't give up on us baby.....

Tad Wilson said...

which one was me?

Brookelina said...

Todd - watch out or you'll be unlucky number 7.

Flounder - I appreciate the fact that you were willing to stay up all night for me.

Cincy - oh if I did that we'd definitely be here all night.

Kid sis - see, I should have titled it ...what if what if. Then I'd have cried all night and woken up with puffy eyes.

Phoenix - I better be on that list.

Mist1 - remind me to tell you about the time I tried to run over #4 with my Datsun.

Mel - never ever ever.

Tad - I couldn't write about you. The memories are just too painful.

jkrunning said...

I have a few X-files of my own. Great exercise.

The Dummy said...

lol, I was just about to suggest that Number 7 was going to be a blogger - specifically Todd.

Übermilf said...

Too bad I can't do this exercise.

I was pure and unsullied when I married Dilf.

G3T Films said...

I'll marry you Brooke!

I know it's a bit soon and everything but I just never met a girl quite like you. It's just that I can't stop thinking about you. I think I love... PSYCHE! Sorry You'll have to settle for meaningless cake instead.

jiggs said...

i get it. x files as in "ex-files".

Brookelina said...

JK - I'd be much better off actually doing some exercise, rather than rehashing all of my failed romances.

Dummy - poor Todd, that's the last thing he needs.

Ubie - is that what your therapist tells you?

Rich - how dare you say such a thing to me! Cake is never meaningless.

Jiggs - nothing gets by you.

Me Crabby said...

I know. I feel the same way. Crazy what it could've been.

Naynayfazz said...

Wow, can I send this post to my ex. It says it all! :)

TrueJerseyGirl said...

Wow, this is a great list. I would do it too, if it wouldn't depress the hell out of me.

sandra said...

I'm with you on #7. Where is he?

Diedre said...

You are a brave woman.

Bone said...

if we had married, you would have taken longer to get ready for the ceremony than I...

Ha! That describes a couple of friends of mine.

I like this idea for a post. Although I'd be afraid a couple of my exes would read and decipher and call and curse me out. Based on past behavior :)

Brookelina said...

Tad - I'm a little verklempt now.

NayNay - you mean we went out with the same guys? I'm not at all surprised.

TJG - it was really quite cathartic. I only cried a little, you know, like a weekend's worth.

Sandra - I most likely dated him and dumped him when he proved to be a good man who treated me well.

Diedre - the saddest part is that these were the ones worth writing about. There's a whole contingent that I won't even mention!

Bone - I lived with him very long ago, long before anyone knew what a metro-sexual was. I think he was one of the first.

Bill said...

For some reason this reminds me of the Monty Python argument sketch where at the end of it the guy walks in a room and gets walloped on the head. When he asks why he's told, "It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here."

I guess I just prefer not to imagine the what ifs. "Number 2, if we had married I'd be broke, an alcoholic or dead. Or maybe all three!"

Ok ... I took some license with that.

Interesting concept though.

NotCarrie said...

Wow, I'm scared to do this;)

Christina said...

Oooh, Brooke, this was so good. Bravo!

Naynayfazz said...

I think -most- of them are the same. Girlfriend, I feel your pain.

Me Crabby said...

I still think about you every day.

J to the fucking C said...

Get off my koolade, Tad!

J to the fucking C said...

i meant kool-aid..i think.