Why I Should be the Next Tabloid Darling

With Britney bald and in rehab and our beloved Anna Nicole lost forever, I think it's important that we find a new tabloid queen immediately. Yes, there are a few others, but they make me so nauseated that I refuse to even put their names on my blog. I'm a very sensitive woman, and it just breaks my heart that there are paparazzi out there with nobody to stalk. There are good American people out there with nothing to gossip about. Let's face it, the Britney stuff is just getting pathetic, and soon enough people will be saying "Anna Who?" And then where will we be? Talking about...war? Too depressing. Politics? Yawn. Global Warming? Heard it all before. We need someone new to gossip about right away! And being the good American that I am, I am willing to step up to the plate and sacrifice myself for the good of the many.

As your new Tabloid Darling, I promise to:

• Be famous for doing a whole lot of nothing. Cause like, I'm good at that.

• Make every effort to keep my underwear on in public. But not at home of course. Hello zoom lens!

• Lounge around my pool all day. I do this for the paparazzi, not for myself. I'm selfless like that. And of course there will always be an insanely hot man in the next lounge chair.

• Be outrageously promiscuous. Just don't be expecting any K-Feds or Birkheads on my resumé, I have higher standards than my predecessors when it comes to men.


• Say what I think without putting a whole lot of thought into the consequences. I know what you are all thinking. Shut up.


• Continue to allow my weight to fluctuate wildly on a daily basis. Yes, it's possible that the Oscar dress that the famous designer loaned me only days ago will be popping at the seams come the big night.


• Create controversy and set trends wherever I go. Looks like another trip to the Hanky Panky for me. I really hope that hooker has retired by now.
  


• Jetset around the world just for the hell of it. Oh the sacrifices I make!
  


• Have sex with lots of hot men. Did I say that already? Cause that's an important one.
  

Suggestions welcome. Thank you for your support.

Brooke TV - February Lineup

Yet another list - I never tire of these - of recent keyword and phrase searches that landed people here at the Babbling Brooke Network.

CNN

"american girls" "morally bankrupt"

i stole some shoes from a friend of mine

munich american high school blogspots

lesbian prisons

Lifetime

i feel bad for stealing money from my parents

husband mama's boy

how to "decline a lap dance"

my exboyfriend is asking for pictures of us? what does that mean - it means he's going to post them on the internet, you dumb twat

Playboy

fill my twat

titless and very thin

"songs in the key of sex"

kiss the cook apron penis

Travel Channel

cool places london

blogspot bikini

bikini hot blog

This is Sparta

Cartoon Network

babblers buffy

johnny pipewrench

sweater vest fairly odd parents

dog ate homework

MTV

i've been a bad bad girl song

there goes my hero

blind date no call

hot woman over 22 years old tits to fff tits

On Demand

brooke needs

viggo girlfriend

accidental flashing

The X-Files

Idea stolen from Kris.

#1 - if I had married you, I'd suffer the wrath of all who knew us. The disapproval would be palpable from miles away. The fact that you were eight years older than I would not have made much difference as we aged, but it was an enormous difference when we met - me at 18, you at 26. The fact that everyone told me you were a womanizing hellion would have probably have crystallized for me around year two. I'd no doubt be pregnant by then with the first of many. You'd spend your time working and drinking with your friends. I'd spend my time being the good wife and wondering where you were. We'd look like the happy local couple on the outside and go to all the fun local hangout spots where we were expected. But those in the know would cluck their tongues with pity at me, and we'd divorce by the time I was 30 due to your ever-present infidelity.

#2 - if I had married you I'd merely suffer the wrath of your immediate family for destroying your first marriage. Granted, I had nothing to do with it, but no doubt I'd have been blamed. I'd have been a too young stepmother, and I don't think that would have gone over well as time went on. Your late night gigs would have me wondering what you were really up to, but when we were together I'd forget my doubts. We'd share a lot of romance and a lot of genuine love, but we wouldn't have made it in the long run. We would always stay friends, and have friendly coffee dates to keep up with each other's lives.

#3 - if we had married, you would have taken longer to get ready for the ceremony than I, and that would have been a constant joke between us. We would move to Vermont and open that inn that we always wanted. We would give fabulous dinner parties and have many friends. Everyone would wonder how such a quiet man as yourself could have ended up with such a gregarious woman as myself. We'd work hard, and appreciate the skills that we both had and shared. The sex would continue to be off the charts, but the love would eventually dissipate. As time went on you'd really only be interested in me when I caught the attention of other men. Soon we would be more like business partners than lovers. We would divorce but stay business partners. We might stray in and out of each other's beds for years, until one of us found someone else to love, and then we would say good-bye forever.

#4 - if we had married I'd have floated down the aisle. It wouldn't bother me that everyone was looking at the groom on our wedding day, and not the bride, as that's how it had always been in our relationship. We'd live a bohemian life. You wouldn't want to stay still for very long, and I would go wherever you wanted. I'd be the caretaker, the money person, the responsible one. You'd be the dreamer, dragging me from one remote location to another. We'd lie in hammocks and amuse ourselves with conversations about nothing. We'd live in tree houses and ramshackle beach houses. When people would ask how I could stand it, they would only have to take one look at you to know why I followed you everywhere. You'd stay faithful to me despite the constant attention from other women, not because you loved me, but because you really couldn't be bothered. Eventually the vagabond life would be too much for me and I'd leave you, much to my own disbelief. I would move back home and secretly pine for you to come back for me.

#5 - if we had married you'd have done everything in your power to make me happy. You would treat me like a queen on a daily basis - and I would treat you like a king once in a while. I would only appreciate you when I felt myself losing you. People would talk about our age difference but it wouldn't bother us, in fact you would always wear it as a badge of honor that you landed yourself an older American woman. Your parents would continue to hate me for no reason other than I was older and American, especially your mother. The fact that your father and brother would accept me would make things even more difficult. We would end when I cheated on you with #6, whom I never was able to get over, despite us both being married to others.

#6 - if we had married we'd have had more trouble with the logistics of the wedding than the rest of our lives together. We'd spend a fortune trying to please everyone else and no doubt would have been miserable with the result. We'd live in your country, but the city I wanted, and you'd always secretly resent me from taking you away from your hometown. Only when we were alone would we be completely happy, when we could read each other's minds and express ourselves in ways nobody else could understand. We'd laugh when people would ask us how we met, and only a few people would know the real story. You'd always wonder if I wanted to move back home, and I'd always wonder if you were still in love with your ex. You'd be a great father and husband, but deep down I would never completely believe in your love for me. If we'd broken up, it would either be due to my insecurities, or because you slept with the girl I took you from in the first place. I'd move back to the states and never again be able to hear an Australian accent without crying.

#7 - lucky 7. Where the hell are you? It seems like I've been waiting forever.

39 Incredibly Immature Questions

I found these questions on a high school girl's blog. I considered answering all of them in high school mode, but I gave myself a headache.

1. Where do you hang your towel to dry after showering?
On the back of my bathroom door.

2. What kind of mouse pad do you have?
It's from my last job. Everytime I look at it I'm reminded of how glad I am that I changed careers. However, in reading this answer, I realize I need to get myself something a little more pornographic exciting.

3. Do you brush your hair with a comb or a brush?
Like I could get a comb through this mane.

4. In your opinion, who do you think is the hottest celebrity?
My opinion on this subject changes on a monthly basis. At the moment I have an unnatural obsession predilection for Gerard Butler.

5. You have a project due tomorrow, do you use tape or glue?
Duct tape

6. Chicken or pork?
Mmmmm...chicken. Fried chicken. No wait! Mmmm...bacon. Fried bacon...

7. By the time you get to school, is it still dark?
I love that this one is about school, highlighting the teenage aspect of the questionnaire. However, since I do go to school everyday, I will answer it.
No.

8. If you had a choice to be a unicorn or mermaid which would it be?
Oh come on. A mermaid of course. Swim around topless all day? I'm there.
Wait...can mermaids have sex?
Is it too late to change my answer?

9. What color is your underwear?
Underwear?

10. What time does the sun usually set?
I don't like this question. I am ignoring it.

11. What/who do you think of last before you go to sleep?
See number 4.

12. AC or fan?
Both.

13. Do you wear braces?
No, I do not. And no, I never did.

14. Can you do a hand stand?
I can do it in a pool. I can do lots of things in a pool...

15. If you were the opposite sex, how would you style your hair?
I'd have a buzz cut and I'd rub my head all day long.

16. What level English are you in?
I like to think I am at the highest level, thank you.

17. Jessica Simpson or Alba?
Alba, of course.

18. Which subject is worse, English or Math?
Oh. My. God. Like...I totally hate Math!

19. What's one thing you really want to do this very moment?
See number 4.

20. What movie are you embarrassed to admit you've watched?
Godzilla. Mothra vs. Godzilla. Godzilla vs. Monster Zero. Son of Godzilla. Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster. Godzilla vs. Megalon. Godzilla, Ebirah, Mothra: Big Duel In The South Sea.
You get the idea.

21. CD player or iPOD?
Why can't I have both?

22. Would you rather spin upside down going 30 miles or drop 400 ft. into water?
I'd rather kick the person who wrote this in the nuts.

23. Whats your favorite shape?
See number 4.

24. What do you have planned for the weekend?
First I'm going to a kegger over at Jimmy's. Then I'm like totally going shopping at the mall. Then I have cheerleading practice. Then I'm going to bang the football team.
Shut up! Not the whole team. Just the offensive line.

25. Have you ever gone ice skating?
Why is this question here?

26. If you were put in a room with nothing except for a pencil and paper, what would you do?
Draw stick figure porn.

27. Is it always easy finding your remote every time you want to watch TV?
Yes, one of the many perks of living alone.

28. How was your day?
You really don't care. Why do you ask when you don't care?

29. Do you grow your nails, bite or cut them?
I grow them, and they are quite lovely thank you.

30. Describe your handwriting.
Legible on a good day.

31. Do you consider yourself a stalker?
I don't, no. You might want to ask someone else though.

32. Do you bruise easily?
I actually do. I'm a dainty little blossom.

33. There's nothing on TV except Barney and Japanese news what do you do?
Fuck.

34. Do you know more then 3 myspace codes?
I have absolutely no idea what this question means.

35. You got an essay due, you either can type or write in pen, which will it be?
"You got an essay due?" With grammar like that, it won't matter whether it's typed or handwritten.

36. Do you wear jeans to relax at home?
No. I wear holey sweatpants. That's holey, not holy.

37. Describe yourself using three words.
Sweet. Smart. Goofy.

38. Do you use deodorant?
You better hope so.

39. Do you like ice in your drink?
Depends on the drink.

If This Is Sparta...

I am so there.

Gerard Butler in 300.

You Would Think I'd Have More Dates Considering...

Your Kissing Technique Is: Perfect

Your kissing technique is amazing - and you know it. You have the confidence to make the first move. And you always seem to know what kissing style is going to work best. Sometimes you're passionate, sometimes you're a tease. And you're always amazing! Are You a Good Kisser?

AND

Your Wrestler Name Is...

Jade Filthy Lips What's Your Wrestler Name?