Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Drunken Email: Part Two

A guest post from Brandon, of the now defunct - and defunked - One Child Left Behind.

Once a year (OKAY, JUST ONCE) I send Brooke a drunken email professing my undying love for her (OKAY, HER RACK) and because generic Viagra is now down to $2/pill (IN THAILAND) I figured it was time to crack open her woman parts with a pry bar (FIGURATIVELY) by writing her a letter.

Unfortunately, I was given nothing but top shelf liquor for Jesus’ birthday, so I’m in one of those intellectual drunk phases. So my ‘Love Letter’ this year is a tad different:

Dearest Brooke:

On the way to work today I saw a whole mob of religious zealots marching up and down my neighborhood with picket signs reading, ‘THE END OF THE YEAR IS COMING! REPENT!’ and a quick survey of federal statistics will back up their warnings: the average cost to maintain a federal inmate is apparently greater than the average starting salary of a teacher (IN NORTH DAKOTA). And if you take into consideration the fact that the average teacher begins her first day on the job with $17,000 in loan debt, you realize one very amusing tragedy about this country: it is a far wiser economic decision to become a convict than an educator. After all, prison (in most cases) requires no higher education, nor does it reinforce unhealthy eating/binge drinking habits so prevalent among college campuses.

Both colleges and prisons have libraries, workout facilities and free hazing sex, so the advantages for either there are negated. Colleges are generally quieter on the weekend. However, prisons have much better parking. And as many college students know, parking tickets are pretty much the gateway drug to more serious crimes, such as assault with intent to do bodily harm. Which, ironically, has led to what some social scientists have referred to as the ‘over-qualification of the prison body.’ In fact, there is now a greater glut of PhDs hoping to find a tenured position as an associate or assistant prisoner than at any time in our nation’s history. And why wouldn’t they be? After all, because of a loophole in the federal code, it is virtually impossible to collect student loan repayment from a felon serving a life term.

Finishing graduate school in any field other than business, law or medicine is emblematic of having once great hopes utterly destroyed and then debased. In fact, it’s sort of like dreaming of going down on a famous celebrity only to look up after 20 minutes and see that it's Rosie O’Donnell, then spend the next 4 days trying to get the taste of corn dog out of your mouth.

Oh, by the way, if you’re in the neighborhood next Halloween I have a great idea for a couple’s costume: you dress up as a teacher and I’ll dress up as a 14 year old boy willing to feed your ego while you feed on my tender loins in my brother’s van. Well, it’s not so much a ‘costume’ as a ‘scenario.’ Think about it.



PS – I’m drunk and I love you.

PSS – No, wait, I mean ‘I’m IN love with you.’

PSSS – Still waiting for the pictures.


thephoenixnyc said...

Thank you. You have inspired me. I am now loading my sawed0ff and heading to the local bank.

I'm tired of paying bills and all that drudgery.


TrueJerseyGirl said...

What am I doing wasting away in this menial job when I could be wasting away having hot lesbian prison sex in lockup? You have shown me the error of my ways. Off to do something illegal. Later.

miss kendra said...

i want to play this teacher game too.

Callie said...


Sweeeeeet...Brooke at least you have drunken love struck people adoring you. I get crack heads.


yournamehere said...

I always profess my undying love(lust) for Brooke, to no avail.

Toby said...

I was rollin until I got that corn dog/rosie taste in my mouth.

Sizzle said...

he makes some excellent points. ;)

jiggs said...

in vino veritas

Think Frustrated said...

Genius. Give him a drunken chance. At least he doesn't pledge his love for you and then mention his wife, like some people.

Plus, for JerseyGirl, I don't think that Lesbian Prison Sex is hot. It's probably more like being raped by a fat guy with a bad haircut and no penis.

Tits McGee said...


Melissa said...

Best love letter EVER.

Sysm said...

I tried undying love.

Then I tried undead love.

Then I spent time in the pokey.

WhiteBoyBob said...

I can't see the appeal of being gang raped personally, but it takes all sorts I suppose.

Bill said...

A very cogent missive for someone in their cups. Perhaps I should drink more frequently to improve my posts & comments?

I once had an undying love but sadly I also had a short attention span. Ah, love ...

matty said...

Aw, send Brandon some pix! He deserves 'em!

This was neat!

No one sends me lust, uh, I mean, love letters on my blog anymore.

Bubbles, Ink. said...

oh dude...that rosie o'donnell bit just made me vomit my b-fast of gin and gin, into my mouth.

Raggedy said...

great letter!
Have a wonderful day!
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Hypersonic said...

Brandon you really wussed out this year. You made me think! I hate having to think too hard this soon after christmas.

PS: Did Brookie-baby put out this year?

The real me said...

I wish someone was sending me drunken emails... I'm so jealous of Brooke!

sandra said...

Aww, Brando! Heart.

r said...

Awww, poor Brandon. It was a hard candy Christmas, or wait..maybe it wasn't.