Wednesday, October 04, 2006

10 Things I Hate About You



An open letter to the Sunshine State.

  1. I hate the way you are so fucking hot all the time. Enough already. Change your fucking seasons and get with the program. Walking from the front door to the car should not turn me into a sweaty mess every morning. Try spending some time below 90 degrees for a kicky change of pace.

  2. I hate your lousy pay wages. The concept of Sunshine Dollars - crappy pay for the privilege of living in your crappy state - is a bunch of crap. And stop patting yourself on the back for not having state taxes. You tax the shit out of everything else to make up for it on a daily basis.

  3. I hate your drivers. You have four kinds: those who are too old, those who can't speak or read the language, those who are visiting and don't have a clue where they are going, and those who are talking on their cell phones. And they all suck.

  4. I hate your politicians. Particularly your governor - who has stolen elections for himself and his big brother. His right hand twat - who helped him and is now being kicked to the curb. This tool - who is quoted as saying, 'I start out with a basic assumption, that the president knows more than I do, and I trust his judgment.' And let's not forget your latest prize: is he a drunk? A gay man? A victim of the clergy's lascivious ways? You decide, cause he sure can't.

  5. I hate the way you ruined Fall for me. It was always my favorite season. Now every year I live in fear of the dreaded H word. For that you suck.

  6. I hate that everybody is so shallow and obsessed with youth, looks, money, and working out. There is more to life than muscle mass and fat percentage. Guys, stop looking in the mirror and try reading a book. You might learn something. Like you're going to be old someday and nobody will care what you looked like. Or that most girls here are not interested in your looks anyway, just your bank account.

  7. I hate that you spend as little as possible on education. Nationally, you rank 29th for teacher salaries, 38th in per pupil spending, and 43rd in class size. In short, you are creating a generation of citizens who will have a bottom-of-the-barrel education.

  8. I hate that you are the only state that explicitly prohibits adoption by gay and lesbian individuals and same-sex couples. And yet in your typical hypocritical fashion, you allow these same people to foster your unwanted children. They can't adopt them and give them a real sense of family, oh no, that would be wrong. So not only do you discriminate against gays and lesbians, but you also punish children who have no families.

  9. I hate the fact that blue land crabs run around the streets threatening me with their big claws and making me scream like a little girl. Leave me alone! Go back to the ocean where you belong you dumb freaks! I hate you!

  10. I hate that there are no rights for tenants so it's ok for my landlord to suddenly decide to jack up my rent by $200. Thanks asshole! Jersey, here I come!

44 comments:

yournamehere said...

Florida is fertile ground for dishonest politicians. They grow there like oranges. Stupid, nasty, rotten to the core oranges.

Brookelina said...

OH! Oranges, lemons, limes...all cost more there than the Northeast. Figure that one out!

darth said...

are those blue crabs good eatin?

Dan said...

don't forget you elect hypocritical homos to congress!

ducklet said...

hey, don't be hatin' on Foley! do you know how boring this week was before MasturGate?

plus, he only wanted to see if i was comfortable. and he thinks i'm hot, bitch.

Dan-E said...

don't be so repressed brooke, let us know how you really feel. it still seems like you're holding back.

MoDigli said...

You were totally in the zone for this one, Brooke. Right on! Give 'em hell - they suck some serious ASS! And Jeb has been touting his STUPENDOUS education reform as of late. He's even bragging how's he's turned it all around with his state mandated testing that makes 5 years puke cause they're so nervous. Ahhhhh! What a TOOL.

Bill said...

Jersey sounds like a big improvement. I take it you aren't employed by the Florida Tourism folks?

Nick said...

That's not so much a letter as it is a numbered list.

jiggs said...

"Go back to the ocean where you belong you dumb freaks! I hate you!"

If I had a nickel for each time i heard that.

Flounder said...

I made the mistake of accepting my admission to Florida Stae without ever visiting the campus. My first visit was for orientation in the middle of July.

Fat Guy + Ragu-like Jersey Blood + Surface of the Sun Temps = One Miserable Bastard Who Was Thinking That Stockton Was Looking Mighty Good.

...and I lived in Florida for two years and all of the citrus that I saw in the stores came from California.

Übermilf said...

I love Angry Brooke.

You know, it would be fairly easy to just chop it off the continental U.S. and let it float away.

Jill said...

Wow, you really make it sound pretty sucky. Forget beaches and oranges, huh? By the way, take a look at the thing I posted about the photographer with the blue eyes. Every time I go perving on the internet, Brookelina, I think of you!

Tim said...

I've said before that in my life I've been to 22 states and Florida is my least favorite.

BV said...

I was just born there...I have nothing to do with it. I swear!

But, it is really pretty when you are facing the ocean as long as you don't turn around.

Diedre said...

really blue crabs running around in the streets?

miss kendra said...

the only thing i can think of that to say is that as foster parents, the families get a stipend from the state, as well as health coverage, which both end when an adoption is completed.

and just because you're not legally adopted doesn't mean you're not part of a family. though it's a nice topper.

(all of the other stuff is true.)

Miss Browneyedgirlie said...

The Northeast is way better anyway.

When are you making the move back to Jersey?

sunshine said...

You are right on with #6 and 7.

mgc said...

this is the first time i have felt pride in being a californian. damn, i thought my state sucked!

thank you so much for sharing your warm and fuzzy thoughts.

Toby said...

Go to Florida on vacation, go home on probation.

Lo Lo Lova said...

Are you really moving back to Jersey, or is this another trick?

Monkey said...

I hear you Brooke! That's why I moved away from that hell hole over 20 years ago.

It smells like rotting vegetation in the summer. Ugh.

The Dummy said...

When are you gonna go back to Jersey? Oh, and what's a book?

Sizzle said...

those are all suckass reasons, for sure but 8 hurts the most. how awful!

Brookelina said...

Darth - I don't know, but if another one chases me around the school I'll be finding out.

Dan - we love our hypocrites here.

Ducky - dream on, you're too old for him.

Dan-e - it's so hard for me to share my real feelings. Hold me.

MoMo - no child left behind, indeed. The worst educational program in history.

Bill - just in case you didn't know, Florida sucks ass.

Nick - next time I'll just advertise for t-shirts.

Jiggs - I would never say that to you! Not unless you were waving a big blue claw at me.

Flounder - you made me spit my coffee out. Thank you.

Ubie - that would be awesome. Make that happen.

matty said...

Oh, yes -- head north or come play in California!!! However, I hear the beaches are great there! But, I hate hot weather!

Brookelina said...

Jill - wow. That is one hot eye. And I am so proud that you think of me when you perv!

Tim - it's quickly become mine as well.

Blonde - ok I'll give it that, the ocean is pretty. It's just not natural that it doesn't smell salty.

Diedre - not only the streets, but around the grounds of our school. Scares the crap out of the kids.

Kendra - you are right. I meant that they aren't part of a family that is recognized by the state - or given the same protective rights. They can be taken away from foster parents much easier than adoptive parents. And they have been.

Miss B - right after the school year is over!

Sunny - you bet!

Mgc - you feel all good about yourself now, don't you.

Toby - I love that!

Lo Lo - I'll be there this June. Counting the days (at the bottom of my blog, see for yourself)

Monkey - so we've both lived in Florida, the Northeast, and Australia. Are you following me! Cause it's cool if you are.

Dummy - living up to your name I see!

Sizz - it's absolutely disgusting, isn't it?

Brookelina said...

Matty - I hate the constant heat too. Luckily my hometown has some of the nicest beaches I've ever been to, and I've been to a lot! However, I will take your comment as an invitation, and be sure to come visit soon.

mernitman said...

Let me chime in with Matt: please come visit L.A. so you can learn to hate it in style, too (tho L.A. certainly has its good points, he quickly added, ducking...)

Janet said...

Good. We'll be closer to each other.

Spinning Girl said...

wow!

Loz said...

but why would the Golden Girls live there if it was so horrible??? i'm in a world of confusion!!!!

jungle jane said...

the blue crabs are probably running away from stingrays....

karla said...

From all I hear, Florida does indeed suck. But I may have to visit just to see crabs running the streets. That would make me giggle. And it would inspire a lot of STD jokes.

matty said...

Yes! Come play in San Francisco! Ing and I will take you all over -- Ing knows all the coolest places. I just follow her lead.

a fish on a bycicle said...

lordy, you're not terribly happy there are you?

~d said...

Florida is hoat a f#@k! Florida does have lots of miserable things.

Holla!

I was going to tell you a Party all the Time story, but perhaps I will wait.


Florida, the only good thing I can think of is that is J.J. Walker's (Dyno-Mite!) mother's name. Florida.
(smile!)

Good Times first aired in February 1974 as a mid-season replacement and went on for six years. This spinoff of the TV series, Maude , centered on the Evans family. In Maude Esther Rolle had portrayed Florida Evans, the black housekeeper, but in Good Times Florida and her family were struggling to survive in a South Side ghetto in Chicago. Florida was married to James Evans (in Maude his name was Henry) and they had three children, J.J., Thelma and Michael

I sure did just copy and paste all the crap there! HOLLA!

thephoenixnyc said...

Yes, well just further proff of the superiority of our home state of New Jersey dear Brooke. I have th ebest of both worlds, grew up in NJ, live in NYC. Schweeeet.

Poor lass.

Cincysundevil said...

Yeah, FLA can suck at times but at least it has hotties like you!!

JJ said...

I thought you were already out of there. So, go already.*

*How sad it must be for someone to look forward to moving to Jersey.

Wombat & Aspen said...

I love Florida.

sandra said...

When are you going to be back in Jersey??!

Dayngr said...

Amen sista!