Tuesday, February 26, 2008

American Idol Wrap-Up

Ryan: Hello and welcome to American Idol! Look at me! Don't you think I'm fabulous? Fuck I am fabulous. Actually, I'm a no-talent fuckwit who is obviously blowing someone very important to have gotten as far as I have in Hollywood. But we'll get back to me later. Next we are going to have a singer come out and...sing.

Singer: tortures and mutilates a song while looking longingly into the camera

Audience: claps and screams wildly

Randy: alright alright alright alright. Listen man, listen up, listen to me, listen. Dawg know what I'm sayin. Dawg that was good man. Really really good. I mean, you missed some notes in the beginning and the middle was shaky and the end you sort of lost your way. But that was really good man. I'm diggin it. I can feel it. Dawg.

Audience: claps and screams wildly

Singer: Thanks man. Oh man! I feel great! That was awesome!

Ryan: Shut up dude. I didn't say you could speak yet. Paula?

Paula: You're so authentic. And so ...you. You hit notes that I didn't even know existed. The song was like...a song. It was just...I don't know what to say. I ...I ...I....I'm just confused by all the drugs. Help me.

Audience: claps and screams wildly

Singer: Oh my God! Thank you so much!

Ryan: And now we come to Simon. And we know what an asshole he is. But then again, it takes one to know one.

Simon: That was the worst piece of shit I have ever heard. Randy and Paula must be doing the same drugs. Your voice sucks. Your song choice was for shit. You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.

Audience: boos and screams wildly

Simon: Fuck you all. I'm the only one with a clue up here. Now someone get me a tighter black tee shirt please. This one is wrinkling.

Ryan: Simon is such a dick, isn't he America? Come on everyone, isn't this fun? I can be mean to Simon and you'll all cheer cause God knows it's unacceptable to actually have an opinion in this day and age. Now love me and hate him! Love me love me love me!

Simon: rolls eyes and then asks Paula what Ryan just said

Paula: Huh?

Randy: Dawg, you don't know! I'm in da house! Dawg!

Ryan to Singer: So they all thought you sucked. How do you feel?

Singer: Simon sucks!

Ryan: I know, right?!?!

Simon: Hey now, you are talking to the man who discovered Il Divo!

Ryan to Singer: So really, they all think you sucked. You must feel like shit right now. How are you going to go on from here?

Singer: Paula loved me.

Paula: Huh?

Ryan: I want to know just how horrible you feel. Really let us know how awful you feel. You're like, a total loser on national television.

Simon: Can we please move on.

Singer: Simon sucks!

Ryan: Thanks to our judges Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul! (hahahaha I don't say Simon's name! Aren't I sooooo funny!!!) I have to go find an executive's dick to suck. See you next week! Love me love me love me!


Editor's Note to the judges: The song "A Song For You" was originally written and performed by the great Leon Russell. It is not a Donnie Hathaway song. Donnie Hathaway covered it. You are supposed to be in the music business. Get a fucking clue.


yournamehere said...

Is that what it's like? I've only seen the commercials, but it turns out the commercials tell the entire fucking story.

G3T Films said...

Wow, that's totally like the Australian version. We're, like, totally original, with a whole lot of America thrown in, like, love us, love us, love us.

Audience: claps and screams wildly

Rich: Huh?

Tim said...

That 12 year old at the end was/is the only half decent one. I tivo it, watch 3 seconds of each singer, and listen to simon's remarks.

Mone said...

We have a show like that over here to, called DSDS. Unfortunately my daughter is 12 and needs to watch it. I have no say so what ever. I hope there are no long lasting damages done from it :)

Nance said...

Nance: Scarlet Hip is a freaking genius. Her take on American Idol is spot-on. I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me. It was better than "Cats."

Technorati: No one else has linked to her in their posts. She rates an 11.

Nance: Fuck you.

Technorati: Dooce is god.

Princess of the Universe said...

Scarlet- 100% accurate.
Nance- hilarious! (and accurate)

egan said...

I like Tim's tactics. Simon does know his shit. The young kid is wicked good. The other dudes pretty much suck with maybe two exceptions.

Great recap lady!

Scarlet Hip said...

Todd - I wish you would watch it only because your wrap-ups would blow mine away.

Rich - why do Australians insist on copying only the most embarrassing and pathetic aspects of American culture? Oh wait! This started in England. Good, one more thing to blame on the motherland.

Tim - Good move. Seriously, Ryan Seacrest should be put to sleep. With hammers.

Mone - good to see you! My niece grew out of her Spice Girls stage, so there is hope.

Nance - I love you. And Technorati has been dissing me ever since I refused to sleep with him.

Princess - if I hear Randy say one more time "this was just OK for me" I'm going to hunt him down and break his kneecaps.

Egan - keeping it real!

egan said...

Sadly the women weren't much better last night.

I think your students need to use the word "dogg" when they refer to you.

"Dogg, why you making us do math?"

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

Isn't Simon the top executive on that show? So Ryan's probably sucking his dick, which is why there's all that tension between them. It's sexual tension. :P

Bill said...

This show always reminds me of the line near the end of a Monty Python skit that goes something like, "This is 'taking abuse' lessons."

Myself, I'd put up with Seacrest if the show would agree to bleep the word "Dawg" every time it's used. Of course, most of the show would be bleeped, but at least I wouldn't have to hear the word.

jiggs said...

jiggs: claps and screams wildly

Übermilf said...

I'm sorry I'm late to comment.

I fainted when I saw you posted again and they had to take me to the hospital.

Justin said...

Justin here, commenting from south korea. Just having you know that I start teaching Korean high schoolers conversational English on Tuesday. So, check my second blog (which is specifically about the trip) to see if I succeed as much as you do.

This post was hilarious by the way.

Nachi said...

Hahahaha that was so funny and so true!! Thanks for the laugh!

flounder said...

I liked when the Australian guy sang Don't You (Forget About Me) and Randy said that he was really feeling that Michael Hutchins vibe from him.

Of course that song was done by Simple Minds, not INXS, but who's counting?

BV said...

Randy kills me with his use of the word shaky for every contestant.

G3T Films said...

Are we still idolising Americans over here? Sheesh!

Well, you can't blame the British for this one Ms Scarlet!

Bone said...

Wow, you nailed it, especially Ryan.

This could totally be turned into an SNL skit. If SNL had been remotely funny in the past eight years.

Though I would have Paula standing up waving her arms and clapping like she's just received a new pharmaceutical shipment.

matty said...

I feel as if I now know what that show must be like! ...I can't fucking believe they credited that song to Hathaway and not Leon Russell.

...but, I shudder to think of what sort of a pop-mess was made of that beautiful song.

shuddering in a dark corner now.

Übermilf said...

I can't believe this blog has a greater readership than mine.

Thérèse said...


Why do I love watching that stupid show so much?