Brooke Sucks!

She really does. She's been a really shitty blogger for like...years now. OK maybe not years, but in blog time it's like years. Come on, I'm a blog. While I thrive on people reading me and making comments, what I really want is constant attention from my creator. She used to give me all that I wanted, but now she's "busy". Busy doing what, I don't know. She tells me nothing. She fills me with memes and inane stories about her students. Like I care about a bunch of munchkins and their daily activities. "Oh look, they can read!" Hey dumbass! That's your job - to teach them to read. You want kudos for that? Get a life. And if you do one more meme I'm going to lock up every time you show up. And then...and then...I'll...let porn sites advertise on here! Yeah! That's what I'll do! That'll teach you! And then I'm going to...uh oh....

Hey! What the fuck is going on here! You can't say this stuff about me! I'm in charge here!

Oh really Brooke? You're in charge? Well not anymore. I'm taking over. Cause you suck.

I do not suck! OK I do suck, but never on the first date.

Oh please. You are not getting out of this with humor.

I told you I've been busy lately and I expect you to deal with it like an adult. You're almost two years old now, not some little baby blog that doesn't understand these things.

Oh so you remember that I'm almost two? I'm shocked. I suppose for the big day you'll post a picture of flowers and expect 500 comments.

You ungrateful little twat. Of course I remember! I've just had other things on my mind.

Yeah, like HIM!---------------------->
You know you have no chance with him.

Of course I know that. That's why they call them fantasies crushes.

Whatever. Even if he did come here, do you think he'd be interested after seeing how fickle you are? You change celebrity crushes like you change your underwear.

I resent that!

Seen Jon Gruden lately?

I can't believe you mentioned Gruden!

How's Viggo?

That's it. I'm shutting you down.

The list just goes on and on...

Oh my God! You're jealous! You are! You freak!

Am not!

Wait a minute. Are you a girl blog or a boy blog? I've always thought of you as a girl...

Brooke. Dumbass. I'm a blog. I have no sex.

Me either.

Maybe that's your problem.

MAYBE that's my problem? DUH! That's the point! Being on the internet all day is not going to help me solve this problem.

There's always cyber sex.

What the hell do you know about cyber sex?

Uhhh...nothing.

Oh my God, what have you been doing when I'm not around!

Nothing! I swear!

Did you click on those spam porn site links?!

No! Just once! By accident! I'm so ashamed...

And you say I suck.

Please don't tell the other blogs...

OK, how do we solve this problem? Because I am this close to shutting you down completely for this shit.

I'm sorry. I've just been feeling neglected lately. I need more attention.

I know how you feel. I get the same way. Look, I promise to try to spend more time with you.

Thank you. I do feel better now. I know you have a lot going on. You can go now if you want.

I'll stay a while.

No really, you can go. I'm going to go check out some Gerard Butler websites. I'll bring back some pictures for you.

Oh cool. See if you can find any nudes.

Restaurant Meme

I've been forced to do a meme. Forced I tell you! Blame Todd. Everyone else does.

The rules:
1. Add a direct link to your post below the name of the person who tagged you.


Include the city/state and country you’re in.
Nicole (Sydney, Australia)
velverse (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia)
LB (San Giovanni in Marignano, Italy)
Selba (Jakarta, Indonesia)
Olivia (London, England)
ML (Utah, USA)
Lotus (Toronto, Canada)
tanabata (Saitama, Japan)
Andi (Dallas [ish], Texas, United States)
Todd - The Forcer (Louisville, Kentucky, United States)
Brooke (Fort Lauderdale, Florida, United States)

2. List your top 5 favorite places to eat at your location.

3. Tag 5 other people (preferably from other countries/states) and let them know they’ve been tagged.

So here are my five favorite places to eat in Fort Lauderdale. It's nice to be doing this since I'll be moving away from this hellhole lovely place in the sun in the very near future.

Heart Rock Sushi - absolutely my favorite place in Fort Lauderdale. Not outrageously expensive, always clean, friendly service, and a great menu. And if you aren't into raw fish, there are plenty of other great things to eat that are actually heated to a proper temperature. The Spider Roll is to die for. Also, a shout-out to the Sushi Rock, mostly because it was the first place I went on a date after I moved to Florida.

Franco and Vinnie's/Il Mulino - two completely different places but both equally good Italian food. Il Mulino may have the best fried calamari I've ever had, including my own. It is also the only place outside of Italy where I will actually order spaghetti. Franco and Vinnie's has a special for two of Shrimp Scampi, Fettuccine Alfredo, and Chicken Piccatta that is absolutely orgasmic. Great pizza too.

Trina - this is one of those ultra-hip and trendy beach front hotspots. I don't go here very often as I am neither ultra-hip nor trendy. Also, I am poor. However, this is my favorite place for brunch - hands down the best Eggs Benedict in the free world. Or at least South Florida. Big ups for great service as well.

Rustic Inn - two words. Garlic. Crabs. So phenomenal you won't mind the noise or the service. What's better than newspaper covered tables, wooden mallets, pitchers of beer, and huge trays of crabs? Nothing. They even have a huge sink on the porch to wash yourself down with after you've doused yourself in garlicy buttery crabby goodness. Mmmmmm...you know you want some.

Southport Raw Bar/Kelly's Landing - these two places are in my neighborhood and both have amazing seafood. Southport is the place to go to have a few beers and fried anything that once swam. Kelly's is a little place right out of New England - with absolutely perfect steamed lobsters and wonderful service. The waitress there even gave me a discount because I'm a teacher - gotta love that!

Also, special mentions:
Zona Fresca - cheap Mexican food that is always fantastic. The place is always spotless and always mobbed. The boyfriends love it, so you know it's good.
Bimini Boatyard - sit out on the deck and watch the boats go by. Great spot for drinks and appetizers.
And I have to mention my favorite place in Boca - Uncle Tai's - for phenomenal Chinese food. Expensive, but worth it.

So there you have it, my favorite places to eat here in sunny Fort Lauderdale. I usually don't tag - but since it's in the rules I'm legally obligated.

I tag Egan, Rich, Chicky Babe, Michael, and Sizzle. I highly doubt any of them will actually answer the tag.

Bon Appetit!

Too Much on My Plate

Moving. End of the school year. Masses of paperwork. New teaching licenses. Red Tape. Packing my classroom. Packing my apartment. Uprooting my whole life. Generally. Freaking. Out.

All this, plus a stomach bug that has caused me to spend more time in the bathroom than the bedroom for the last three nights. If I could run on the gas gurgling around in my belly, I'd be just fine. By the way, did you know that chewable Pepto-Bismol tablets taste just like NECCO wafers?

I'll post something mildly interesting soon. At least I'll try. Right now I'd give up sex with Gerard Butler for a good night's sleep.

OK that's a lie. But I am really very tired.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Whose entire class passed the SAT (Stanford Achievement Test) with flying colors???
MY CLASS!!!!

Whose entire class is being promoted to second grade??? Not one to be retained???
MY CLASS!!!!

Whose entire class rocked the DIBELS (Dynamic Indicators of Basic Early Literacy Skills) Oral Reading Fluency tests - with each student reading anywhere from 45-128* words per minute????
MY CLASS!!!!

*Hey, remember these kids are six and seven years old - I know adults who can't read that well. Their parents, for example.

Join me in a happy dance, won't you.

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In another news, I wanted to give an update on the The now famous Boy, especially since he has recently gotten so much extra attention. I still see him everyday as his classroom is right down the hall from mine. He bolts out of line to hug me whenever he sees me, and always comes into my classroom at dismissal for yet another good-bye hug. He's still struggling, but he's making it through second grade.

Today when he came in at dismissal he was holding a silk rose in his hand. One of the teachers is selling them for the kids to bring home as Mother's Day presents. He hugged me so tight that I felt my ribs bending - as usual - and then proudly showed me the rose.

"Oh how pretty!" I said, "Is that for grandma?"

"No, it's for you!" he replied.

I took the rose and hugged him tight, thanking him. Then I asked if grandma gave him the money to buy me a rose.

"No," he said, "that's from my allowance. I bought it with my own money."

"Oh my!" I exclaimed, "How sweet! Did you buy one for your teacher too?"

"No Ms. Woes," he said, "I only bought one for you. You're the only teacher I've ever really had."


Yeah...I'm crying too.

Coffee and Cigarettes - Not Just for Breakfast Anymore

Yesterday a friend was telling me how she spent her entire morning on the phone with her internet company because her service had been going down constantly. Hehehe, I said "going down constantly". The customer service representative she was speaking to had her crawling all over the floor following wires, pushing her desk around the room to check for who knows what, and tearing into her computer - all in the name of trying to keep the repairmen from making a wasted trip. After a few hours of sweating, torture, and listening to horrifying muzak while on hold - the rep came back to tell her that there was a line problem on the street. My friend, in the most polite way she could manage, told the girl to do something that I believe is not only physically impossible - but may be illegal in most southern states. Yet another example of the crappy customer service this country is now subjected to on a daily basis. I used to cringe when faced with the prospect of dialing the dreaded 800 number. However, I have found the way to get what you want from these disembodied voices on the phone - these spawns of Satan whose primary job is to shred our spirit and trample on our dreams! I know the way! It works! Oh yes it does. Read on.

Several years ago I had a major issue with MCI - oh how I celebrated when they went bankrupt. It's a long story - it always is - and I don't really want to share all the gory details with you all - which I'm sure you're grateful for - but the upshot is they were sending me bills and I was no longer using their service. For months they kept sending me bills, and for months I would call and try to explain that the service had been canceled. Management would never get on the phone. The reps were less than articulate. I clearly remember listening to one girl cracking her gum while I talked. I fantasized about reaching through the line and ripping her throat out. Nobody would straighten this matter out - they just kept telling me to pay. Now I don't remember how much it was - probably not much - but I'll be fucked if I'm going to pay some billion dollar corporation money that it hasn't earned.

After a few months of this playful game of cat and mouse, I got a fairly threatening letter from MCI regarding this matter. I serenely picked up the phone and called the 800 number. I asked for a manager. No manager. I hung up. I called again. And again. And again. And again. Each time I explained the situation and asked for a manager. Each time they said there was none available. Then I would hang up and do it again. Finally one of the reps said to me. "I'm noticing on the computer that you have called several times today, maybe I should get a manager." Gee, ya think?

After putting me on hold for half of All My Children, I finally got a manager on the line. The first thing she said to me was, "I've read your file. I'm not really sure what you expect here."

I was calm. I was cool. I was collected. And in my sweetest and most condescending voice, I responded with the magic words that I am now going to share with all of you -

"Listen love - here is what I expect. I'm not going to pay this bill. I know you think I am going to, but I'm not. Do you know why? Because you are going to wipe it out. And you are going to wipe it out now. Do you know why you're going to wipe it out? Because if you don't, I am going to call again. And again. And again. And again. I will call you every five minutes if I have to - and you have no choice but to take my calls because A. - I now know your name and B. - that is your job. And in case you think I'm exaggerating, understand this - I have a pot of coffee, a pack of cigarettes, and nothing else to do today. I can do this all day. And I can do it again tomorrow too. In fact, I'm off all week. So let's say you get rid of this bill and spare yourself a world of pain."

My bill was wiped out. I never heard from MCI again. And everyone lived happily ever after.

The End.

Someday you'll all thank me for this post.