Monday, August 18, 2008

A week in the life of a squeaky toy

Day One: Hello! This is Monkey. Not the same Monkey as the famed videographer (wait, is that a word? why is it coming up as an error in spell check? dammit!) and retired blogger. Oh no, I am none of those things. I spend my life hanging from a tri-colored rope and resting on a fuzzy banana. I am a squeaky toy. A squeaky toy manufactured to be a dog's best friend. To supply hours of squeaky goodness to my canine master and human pack leader. Though it doesn't sound like much, my life has a purpose. I am grateful for this.

Yay for me!

Day Two: I was very excited when I met my canine, Riley. It was love at first sight! He's been through a tough time, so he was well-deserving of a Monkey of my caliber. He was very welcoming, and immediately introduced me to one of his good friends, Frog. He didn't say much, but I assumed that my new Frog friend was just very shy. (This is what they call foreshadowing.)

Look at those big, trusting eyes.

Day Three: Riley and I have been playing nonstop since I got here! Oh the joy of running around the house together, my squeaker sounding emphatically under Riley's powerful jaws. While he's a sweet puppy, he does play a bit rough. I figured that sooner or later he would let me rest with Frog and the other toys in the basket. I am already growing quite tired, and my tri-colored rope has become a bit unraveled. Also, most of my fuzzy banana is now in the dumpster. It was quite startling to see its innards spread throughout the living room, I can tell you!

I'm hanging in there!

Day Four: I have discovered, too late, that shyness is not Frog 's problem. His inability to speak is due to the fact that his tongue has been ripped out by the devil dog from hell. His beautiful green plushy outside is covered with the slime of our torturer, as am I. My ears are chewed through, and I have a very embarassing hole near my bottom. The human laughs at my pain. I am in fear for my life. Somebody save me!


Day Five: Frog tried to save me, but alas, it's too late for me. No needle and thread can undo this damage. My life's purpose is to end up in a dumpster next to the innards of a thousand other shredded squeaky toys. Run Frog, run! Save yourself!

Warning - the following picture may be too graphic for younger audiences.







This sucks.


Sizzle said...

Oh no!

Anonymous said...

I am trying to be sympathetic...really! Oh God I can't help myself! I'm cracking up laughing here! That was priceless!

nicalyse said...

Poor monkey. I hope Riley had fun at least!

Melliferous Pants said...

I wonder what The Monkey would say about that?


Tits McGee said...

I miss Monkey. :(

Übermilf said...

I don't see any signs of life in frog's eyes, either.

RIP, squeaky toy.

egan said...

Give the dog a bone.

Scarlet Hip said...

Sizz - oh yes! It's horrible, I know!

Penelope - see? I'm not the only human laughing at Monkey's pain.

Nicalyse - between you and me, that's the third Monkey that Riley has

Pants - this would be like a snuff blog post to Monkey.

Tits - oh I do too. I do.

Ubie - I think seeing the carnage of Monkey was quite devastating to Frog.

Egan - if you look in the top corner of the last picture, you will see a bone. The dog is insatiable I tell you, insatiable!

Anonymous said...

This was awesome,'s midnight and I'm sitting here laughing like crazy.

Glad to see Riley enjoying himself!

egan said...

Aw, I do see the bone. Riley sure is a cute dog. Apparently you just shouldn't cross him.

Anonymous said...

I mourn for monkey.
And for my eyes, after seeing such carnage.

Scarlet Hip said...

BEG - Riley is enjoying himself - at the expense of helpless plushy toys. At least he's happy.

Egan - especially if you squeak when he bites you.

Danny - you've seen worse. I have no doubt.

Monkey said...


What the??

What kind of MONKEY SNUFF blog is this???

The ASPCA and the Humane Society have been notified. Ahem.

Good Lord... now to get this vomit out of my fur.

Tits McGee said...


::covers computer screen with a thousand tiny kisses::

Bone said...

This is why I never read stuffed animal posts.

I knew it was going to have a bad ending.

Poor Monkey.

jiggs said...

I think the monkey was asking for it.