The Other Side of the Fence

I have this fear. It's not something I talk about, or something I even think about too often. But it's there, and it seems to be gaining strength as my life moves forward. I'm sure it's something others fear, but of course as most fears go, it seems unique to me. It's not a fear of heights, or spiders (though I really don't like creepy crawly things), or even any one of a thousand phobias that seem to plague the world of dysfunctional humans. No, my fear is not so much on the surface, it is more inward.

I fear that I will never really be happy. I don't mean that I'm not a happy person in general, because I am. Most people that know me would probably describe me as fun, silly, goofy, easy to be around...in general a happy person. But I am one of these people that is always thinking life would be better if I were living somewhere else, if I were doing something else, and sometimes - if I were with someone else. I fear that I will live my life forever longing for a different career, a different person to be with, a different place to live. I fear I suffer from "grass is always greener" syndrome.

I've felt this way for as long as I can remember. Maybe it started when I was in eighth grade, after my parents divorced and it was just mom and me in a new city. I ached for the way things used to be, the house we used to live in, the friends I used to have. I would walk the mile back and forth to school every day, imagining what it would be like to move back home. Everything would be perfect then. Eventually we did move home, and though it wasn't perfect, I was happy to be back. But something had changed, I had disconnected from things. There was a wall up now that hadn't been there before. Sometimes I wondered if we would have been better off staying in the new town. Sometimes I wondered what it would be like to go back. And so began the cycle.

I went about my life, coasting along, becoming part of the local scene in my hometown, yet always feeling like an outsider looking in. When I went backpacking in Europe, I think I felt truly comfortable for the first time in my life. Friendships were fast and furious - a few days in Paris, a week or so in Rome, bouncing from place to place - friend to friend - quick good-byes and then on to the next adventure. Nobody got too close, and no real time to wonder what might have been.

In Australia, I was more than comfortable, I was truly at home. I fell in love with the country, a boy, everything that was Australia. I never wanted to come home. This was home. But life has a funny way of tossing you curve balls when things seem perfect, and two years later I was back in the states, wishing I was in Sydney, where everything seemed so right. For years I lived my life in the state of "temporary". I wanted back to Sydney so bad I could think of nothing else. I wouldn't get in a serious relationship (why bother? I'd be going back soon), I wouldn't go on trips (why waste the money? I need it for Sydney), I wouldn't even get a magazine subscription...until finally I couldn't take it anymore. I knew I wouldn't be going back to live there. It was the time I was there that made it perfect, going back could only lead to disappointment.

I decided to stay in Jersey and make a life for myself. But again, life threw me a curve ball. Somehow my brother convinced me to move to Florida. The excitement of a new place and a new life brought back that old feeling of anticipation. Is that my problem? Am I an anticipation junkie? Possibly. I don't know. All I know is that now I am at another crossroads: it's been close to five years here in Florida, and I'm not really happy - again. The heat is oppressive, the people are obnoxious (not all, but the majority), and the payrate for teachers is among the lowest in the country. I have friends I love, and family (though having family here is both an argument for and against staying here, if you know what I mean). Do I stay, make a real life for myself, and let go of the past? Or do I give in to this ache I am feeling and move back to Jersey? I miss the change of seasons, the smell of the ocean (you don't smell it in Florida for some reason), and knowing just about everyone in town (and the pay is substantially better). Florida does offers a lot more opportunity to meet someone - my hometown, well, not a lot of single men with a full set of teeth left. I wish I just knew what to do. Why can't I just be happy? Why is the grass always greener on the other side of the fence? I just want to settle down and just be - on the right side of the fence.

It's so not fair that life doesn't come with an instruction manual.