Intellectual Property

So it seems my Brooke Bond concept is not mine alone. An anonymous reader of my blog sent me this video of Gerard Butler on the Craig Ferguson show discussing my international superslut superspy idea together*! Apparently they didn't know about me, or clearly I would have been mentioned. An oversight on their part, no doubt.

OK, actually this show was from a couple of years ago, so technically they came up with it first. But since I didn't know about his until recently, whose intellectual property is it**? I say mine, being that I have the name and Butler didn't get the Bond gig. I'll have to call my agent to deal with this.

*The Bond talk is at the end of the video, but the two of them are quite entertaining together, so if you have the time, watch the whole thing.
**Actually I couldn't care less. I can't even tell you how hot it was to hear Butler say my name.

New Jersey: Take Two

In the world of tv and movies, when our hero - or for the sake of this post, Our Heroine - returns home after a long period of absence, a series of events encompassing both hilarity and poignancy ensue. Our Heroine goes from one incredibly wacky situation after another that leave her shaking her head in that "Only in my hometown do these things happen" kind of way. Family members make her insane - but make her appreciate being home again at the same time. Quirky characters show up to add local color and charm. It's all very interesting and entertaining and amusing.

Because my world is in fact, real, and not on either big or small screen - from here on in I have decided to live my life as a series of riveting and enthralling scenes. I am now Our Heroine. Smart. Funny. Delightfully witty. Not to mention desperately in need of finding the right man. Each and every moment of my life will be treated as if it were the most fascinating thing that has ever happened to me, or anyone else for that matter. Doing laundry, lying around for two straight days in my pajamas, helping my mother into bed - all carefully choreographed scenes designed to delight my nonexistent viewing audience. I'm not a movie star, but I play one in real life.

Tomorrow morning's scene: Our Heroine will go to her favorite local convenience store to get her beloved coffee - and to ogle construction workers. Perhaps she will drop a dollar on the floor, clunk heads with a beautiful manly man as they both reach down to pick it up, and then engage in a flirty little exchange. Later he'll track her down, bring her flowers, and turn out to be not only completely enamored of her but of course, single as well.

Or not.

Stay tuned.

Bond...Brooke Bond

As a child, my mother only bought one kind of tea for our house - Red Rose Tea. This was for obvious reasons, for those in the know. It was actually called Brooke Bond Red Rose Tea. Brooke Bond was a company from England, and the name delighted my mother to no end. My paternal grandparents were right off the boat from the motherland, and I still remember my father teaching me the proper way to drink tea. Milk and sugar. Never ever use cream. I still drink it that way. Only with fake sugar now. Sorry dad.

I remember my mother trying to get me to pose with a rose between my teeth so she could send the photo to the makers of Red Rose Tea. She was convinced they'd want me to be their spokesmodel. At that point in my life, I was what you might call "awkward." I wore extraordinarily powerful glasses, I had a space between my front teeth you could drive a lorry through, and with my short hair and lack of general femininity - I was quite often mistaken for an unfortunate looking boy. It is highly unlikely that the makers of Red Rose Tea would have been interested.

I bring all this up because I recently found a link to my blog that has me listed as "Brooke...Bond?" Seeing that made bells go off in my mind. Not the ones I usually hear. These were different. It reminded me of my childhood, of my love for all things British - especially my lust for British secret agents. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I had a sudden urge to drink tea and drive on the wrong side of the road.

In my last post, Leezer asked me what genre of film I would be making when I became the newest tabloid darling. I responded that I would be starting a new genre - Soft Core/Action. I now have my character. By day I will be Red Rose - tea-swilling, Spotted Dick eating, lady of leisure. By night, Brooke Bond, international slutty superspy. It's going to be so great. Nobody's ever done anything like this before.

Cheers!

Why I Should be the Next Tabloid Darling

With Britney bald and in rehab and our beloved Anna Nicole lost forever, I think it's important that we find a new tabloid queen immediately. Yes, there are a few others, but they make me so nauseated that I refuse to even put their names on my blog. I'm a very sensitive woman, and it just breaks my heart that there are paparazzi out there with nobody to stalk. There are good American people out there with nothing to gossip about. Let's face it, the Britney stuff is just getting pathetic, and soon enough people will be saying "Anna Who?" And then where will we be? Talking about...war? Too depressing. Politics? Yawn. Global Warming? Heard it all before. We need someone new to gossip about right away! And being the good American that I am, I am willing to step up to the plate and sacrifice myself for the good of the many.

As your new Tabloid Darling, I promise to:

• Be famous for doing a whole lot of nothing. Cause like, I'm good at that.

• Make every effort to keep my underwear on in public. But not at home of course. Hello zoom lens!

• Lounge around my pool all day. I do this for the paparazzi, not for myself. I'm selfless like that. And of course there will always be an insanely hot man in the next lounge chair.

• Be outrageously promiscuous. Just don't be expecting any K-Feds or Birkheads on my resumé, I have higher standards than my predecessors when it comes to men.


• Say what I think without putting a whole lot of thought into the consequences. I know what you are all thinking. Shut up.


• Continue to allow my weight to fluctuate wildly on a daily basis. Yes, it's possible that the Oscar dress that the famous designer loaned me only days ago will be popping at the seams come the big night.


• Create controversy and set trends wherever I go. Looks like another trip to the Hanky Panky for me. I really hope that hooker has retired by now.
  


• Jetset around the world just for the hell of it. Oh the sacrifices I make!
  


• Have sex with lots of hot men. Did I say that already? Cause that's an important one.
  

Suggestions welcome. Thank you for your support.

My Celebrity Look-alikes

See which celebrities you look like.
Comments not included.

Bumping Uglies

Kris tagged me for the bumping uglies meme. In this meme, you are supposed to admit which less-than-attractive celebrities you would shag - making the term bumping uglies extremely literal. The problem, as I have explained to Kris, is that I am shamelessly shallow when it comes to the idea of star fucking. If the man is beautiful and famous, I pretty much want to do him. And though I made a concerted effort to think of ugly men I would do, I came up empty.

So instead, I decided to change this to the I don't care how rich, famous, or powerful you are, I wouldn't do you unless there was a gun pointed at my dog meme. It was painful for me to even download these pictures to my computer, let alone add them to my blog. I hope you all can appreciate my sacrifice.

First on my hit parade:

Andy Dick. His name says it all. He is my premiere nominee for Todd's Shovel Justice - people who deserve to be hit in the face with a shovel. And then hopefully buried using that same shovel. I think if I saw him naked I'd gouge my eyes out with a spoon.

David Spade. Don't you just want to smack the grin off of that face? Again, the idea of that "man" - and I use that term loosely - in any type of sexual situation is enough to make me consider celibacy for life.

The Donald. They say that power is an aphrodisiac. In this case it brings on the bulimia. Besides the fact that he is an incomparable ass, that hair should be ripped right out of his big ugly head. And don't get me started on those eyebrows.

The Bush Administration. The true axis of evil. Just thinking about them makes me want to loofah my skin off.

Tom Cruise. Freak.

Feel free to tag yourself. I'm off to fantasize about Viggo in an effort to stave off the nightmares this post will no doubt bring on.

Moving to Entertainment News:

In a surprising turn of events, the role of Angelina Jolie will now be played by up and coming newcomer, Brookelina. Rumors abound regarding Jolie's relinquishment of her coveted position, however calls to Jolie's publicist have not been returned. Brookelina, whose real name is unknown, immediately vacated the role of herself to take on the challenge of becoming the new Angelina.

In a statement released to the press, producers of the Brookelina project swear that due to new technology on the market today, the public will hardly be able to tell the difference between the real Angelina and her replacement. It has been reported that Brookelina has already been fitted with an exact duplicate of Jolie's body and face, including her famous lips. When asked how she felt about taking on this new role, Brookelina's reply was, "Holy shit, look at these tits!!!"

Brookelina's immediate responsibilities will include saving the world from hunger, getting a new tattoo, and banging Brad Pitt until her head explodes.

Auditions will be held immediately to take over Brookelina's previous commitment for this weekend. Responsibilities include the packing of her mother's Boca Raton condo, enduring her mother's never-ending supply of Barbra Streisand CD's, and watching her brothers argue incessantly over who gets the stainless steel cookware. In what can only be described as a bizarre coincidence, all of the understudies previously designated for this position are simultaneously having root canal and are unable to fulfill their contractual responsibilities.

Sources say that Brookelina's lawyers are currently in negotiations to extend her contract to the year 3047.

The Bernard Pivot Questionnaire

I just love Inside the Actors Studio. I know James Lipton can be a pain in the ass, and that Will Ferrell is more entertaining as James Lipton than James Lipton. But I still like the show. I like that the actors actually talk about acting and the movie making process and not about which designer they are wearing or which movie star they are doing. Each interview ends with the world famous Bernard Pivot Questionaire. Nobody has a clue who Bernard Pivot is, and nobody really cares - except for James - and probably Bernard's mother.

I've imagined myself as the world famous movie star/rock star/screenwriter/director up on stage in my perfect outfit and my perfect make-up and my perfect hair, the young eager students watching me with adoring eyes and breathless anticipation, Brad Pitt waiting in the wings to whisk me off to...but I digress. Since it seems apparent that James is never going to ask me these questions, I am taking this opportunity to have my moment in the spotlight.

What is your favourite word?
Doilie

What is your least favorite word?
Mucus

What turns you on?
6-pack abs and a bottle of baby oil

What turns you off?
Stinky feet

What is your favorite curse word?
Fuckwit

What sound or noise do you love?
The ocean - no wait - thunderstorms ....ok it's a tie

What sound or noise do you hate?
Whining

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Brad Pitt's personal sex slave

What profession would you not like to do?
Andy Dick's personal sex slave

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Ok everyone, Brooke is here so I can finally take my long overdue vacation. She's in charge, so whatever she says - goes.

Then I answer the students' questions about my fabulous career, and sneak out the back door to catch my ride.....