The End is Near Here

30 posts in 30 days. I said I would do it, and I did. I looked at this as a challenge, a test if you will. Having started my new job only two weeks before this NaBloPoMo thing, and while working on my Master's, I managed to post every single day this month. And do you know what I learned from all this?

1. I can do anything I set my mind to.
2. I do not like posting every single day.*
   
3. I will never do it again.**
4. I am a dumbass.

I'm tired and would like to take a nap now.

*It really wasn't that bad.
**I'll probably do it again.

Cable Lineup - November

The most recent set of words and phrases that landed unwitting freaks to my blog/cable network.

Reality TV - new!

• what would 20% of adults "do for $100,000"
• if i'm that great how come I'm still single
• there's a village in texas that is missing its idiot
• busier than a crack dealer on payday
• cures for a snotty cold

Playboy

• mummification-sex password
• "best fuck on the planet"
• dreaming about having sex on the beach
• how to make flashing look accidental
• see you in a bra
• when men like big asses
• 27" bad girls pinball legs
• down on the shore of the hanky panky
• naked boobage
  

Lifetime

• "You can only find happiness when you stop looking for it."
• ive been a bad girl and still am
• too picky for a boyfriend
• his skirt dance role reversal
• fat cheeks when smile
• how to darken nipples
• scarlett big butt

Food Network

• coffee and cigarettes diet
• what do we call the fruits of the wild rose
• kiss the cook apron
• rosehip.gin
• dill clown tkam
  
• what do rose hips taste like?
  

Gerard Butler TV

• gerard butler - page 51 of the search, this person really delved deep
• gerard butler butt
• gerard butler butt image
• gerard butler's penis
• gerard butler's ass
• "gerard butler penis size" - it should be noted that because this was in quotation marks, my blog was the only one to come up in the search. I'm so very proud.
• girls linked to gerard butler
• brooke sucks
• brooke needs
  
• viggo's girlfriend in 2007

Religious TV - new!

• what does museltov mean?
• KIN AHORA
• ghetto fabulous christian according to the bible

Overheard in my Classroom

Ewwwww!

What's the matter?

She put that money in hew mouth! You nevew put money in youw mouth!

He's right, honey. You shouldn't put money in your mouth. That's good advice.

Why not?

Money is diwty!

Yes, money is dirty.

What's advice?

Advice is like a suggestion, something that can help you.

I know thome advithe! Newer go outside without your thockth.

OK, yes. That is good advice. Does anyone else have any advice?

I have purple socks on!

My socks have holes.

Thanks for sharing. No, you don't need to take off your shoes to show us. We believe you.

My grandfather has a HUGE refrigerator!

OK then. Anyone else have any advice for the class before we move on?

Yah! I have advice. Nevah mawwy youw cousin.

Right, let's clean up and get weady...I mean ready...for lunch.

A Victim of No Child Left Behind

39 Questions

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
I cut my hand open while butterflying a chicken breast. My stupidity earned me eight stitches and huge bragging rights in the male-dominated kitchen I was working in at the time.

2. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
My own home. And a man. And a puppy.
Pretty much in that order.

3. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
9:23 pm on a Tuesday evening.

4. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
It's a tie between my Easy Bake Oven and my Barbie Camper Van.

5. THE BEST TV SHOW EVER CREATED:
Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

6. THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO?
My mother. I took her dinner order. If I don't get a life soon I'll be answering this question with the words My therapist for the rest of my life.

7. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
I do. I'm a big sissy. Hold me.

8. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Someone completely unworthy.

9. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
All of them. It's where I store all my wisdom. There is no way they are coming out.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
Whatever Gerard Butler wears is fine with me.

11. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
I like dark hair and light eyes, but that is not set in stone.

12. WOULD YOU RATHER BE SMART OR FUNNY?
This implies that I am neither. I take offense to this question.

13. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
Since when isn't coffee an energy drink?

14. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
The hazelnut gelato at Perché No in Florence, Italy.
You said anything.

15. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
The list of possibilities is endless.

16. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
I speak fluent six year old.

17. DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE?
I do I do! I'll pass you a note in study hall and tell you all about him!

18. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
You mean fall in love with someone completely unavailable? Who couldn't return my love? Who would only break my heart and abandon me, leaving me behind in a broken heap? Who would do that to themselves?

19. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
I like to call him names, kick him in the shin, and then run away screeching at the top of my lungs. After which my girlfriends and I giggle wildly and crank call his house.

20. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
The asshole who parks in the illegal spot in front of Wawa everyday making it impossible to turn the corner without driving into oncoming traffic. I hope he gets a hemorrhoid from sitting there.

21. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE U.S.?
Many many times. I think it should be a requirement of all American citizens to get the fuck out of this country so that they can see that there is a great big world out there, and that it doesn't revolve around the U.S.

22. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Dimples and six pack abs.

23. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I'd like to be made into Angelina Jolie.

24. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
I did it for Princess. It's always a good idea to suck up to royalty.

25. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
I'm single and 42. You do the math.

26. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
My megawatt smile and razor sharp wit.

27. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
I don't understand the question.

28. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
No more than 18 is best.
Oh wait, that's not what you meant...

29. WHERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
My mother wanted to name me after my Aunt Fannie. Thank you dad.

30. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
As I stated before, I'm a big sissy. I cry on a fairly regular basis. Sappy commercials. Random acts of kindness. Puppies. Rereading Charlotte's Web. Gerard Butler's abs in 300. Pretty much anything can set me off.

31. ANY BAD HABITS?
Absolutely not. I'm a complete delight.

32. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Absolutely. I'm a complete delight.

33. DO YOU KNOW ANYONE FAMOUS?
I know lots of famous people.
Oh, you meant do they know me back...

34. DO LOOKS MATTER?
To me? Seriously, is this your first time here?

35. HOW DO YOU RELEASE YOUR ANGER?
I take it out on Todd.

36. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
No, I am very wary of whom I trust. This is because I am a rotten judge of character.

37. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG:
Milkshake. I mean, she's really not talking about her milkshake, now is she.

38. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
The last day of school.

39. FAVORITE EXPRESSION?
Shut up!

Mmmm Mmmm Gross

nataliedee.com

I decided early on that I was going to try something different with my Thanksgiving dinner this year - I was going to experiment with some new recipes. Now as some of you know, in my former career I was a professional chef. I have always been one who made every single aspect of my Thanksgiving meal from scratch using only the best and freshest ingredients. But this year I decided that I was going to attempt some tried and true recipes that the everyday people of my country seem to swear by with a vengeance. So I spent the better part of the week before Turkey day trolling the internet for classic recipes for Candied Yams, Corn Puddin', and Green Bean Casserole.

I decided to steer clear of the "chef" sites such as FoodTV and Martha, and instead wanted to find the delights that the typical housewife in America was sharing with her compatriots. The recipes required ingredients that as a former professional chef I thought I would never use in my lifetime, but that made it even more exciting for me. For example, I actually purchased canned yams this year. Up until now I had never even seen a canned yam. The texture was one I had never encountered before in any of the food groups. However, after suitably mashing them to a pulp, drowning them in maple syrup and brown sugar, and then covering them with the required mini-marshmallows - I had the all-American candied yams I have heard so much about. They were indeed a tasty treat. Thank you Linda from Albuquerque.

The corn pudding casserole from Dawn in West Virginia was also a hit. I appreciate her boldness in not holding back on either the butter or the sour cream. There is still quite a bit left in my refrigerator and by Monday the consistency should be just perfect for spackling my bathroom. I did use my own recipes for sausage and mushroom stuffing, garlic mashed potatoes, and cranberry sauce only because they are so ingrained in my head that looking up other recipes for them would have been a waste of time. Also certain family members would have beaten me to death with frozen drumsticks if I messed with those recipes. But - I did buy two cans of "cranberry jelly" for my nephew - who ate both of them before the meal was even served. I searched wildly for new ways to roast Mr. Turkey, but most of them were just variations of the same theme, and basically all would have resulted in a bird that would be so overcooked that the breast meat could be served next year as turkey-jerky. I chose to stick to my own method for the bird.

I have to admit my excitement when it came time to make the world famous green bean casserole that I have been hearing about throughout my lifetime. Yes, you read that correctly. I have never made, eaten, seen, or smelled the casserole that consists of canned green beans, cream of mushroom soup, and French fried onions. I have always made fresh green beans almondine, or broccoli with lemon butter, or grilled asparagus with a citrus marinade, or a lovely display of fresh cut vegetables to nibble on during the big feast. I admit I was ecstatic to simply dump three ingredients into a casserole and be done with it. I felt so American, so womanly, so a part of things. I now was a true member of the American culture that is Thanksgiving.

And may I say OH. MY. GOD. I haven't been this disappointed in the tastes of the American public since the axis of evil took over the White House. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you people. It was the most disgusting mass of grossness in the history of ickiness. It was a pimple on the ass of my perfect meal. It was a horror show in the midst of dulcet loveliness. It was shock and awe of Bush proportions.

Never again will those ingredients be welcome in my home. Never! Thanks for nothing Tammy in San Antonio! Good day to you, Tammy! I said good day!

Beauty is Pain

I'm getting a mani-pedi today. My nails look positively monstrous!

They like me! They really like me!

Holidays getting you down?

Family driving you crazy this Thanksgiving? Is the pressure getting to you? Take it out on someone who really deserves it. Beat the hell out of your Bush Bopper!

Thanksgiving Advice from Miss Manners

An excerpt from Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. If you don't have this book then run - don't walk - to your nearest bookstore and purchase it immediately. Or just buy it online by clicking the link.

Dear Miss Manners:
Are there any special rules for the eating of Thanksgiving dinner, or is it like any other big lunch or dinner?

Gentle Reader:
Yes, and yes. Thanksgiving dinner is like any other big lunch or dinner, only worse. The special rules are that several ordinary rules can, in fact must, be violated. It is held at a dreadful hour in the early afternoon, because a turkey must be cooked for many hours (and doesn't taste like much even then)*, and also so that many of the guests will eventually leave the table to watch football on television, which would be a rudeness at any other occasion but is a relief at Thanksgiving and probably the only way to get those people to budge. Next, excessive quantities of food must not only be served, but be urged with great emotional arguments on guests who have long since become uncomfortably bloated. Polite behavior on the part of guests involves literally eating themselves sick. They are also expected to hang around long after the children have gotten cross and the hosts are ready for a nap. All this makes for an unspeakable day, but who are we to argue with the wisdom of the Pilgrims?

*I disagree with Miss Manners here. Turkey tastes terrific!

Love to eat turkey!

How do I love thee Thanksgiving? Let me count the ways...

1. I love that Thanksgiving is a national holiday with no twisted religious aspects attached to it. Yes I am aware of the fact that the pilgrims came here so they could worship as they pleased, I'm a first grade teacher after all, but that wasn't the real reason behind the actual day of thanks.
   


2. I love that it's a day of appreciation that everyone can be involved in, even if they are not American. No matter how bad things are, there is always something to be thankful for.
   


3. I love that it's a day for family and friends.
   


4. I love that I get to do my favorite things - cook, eat, and watch football. Hopefully next year I'll get to do another of my favorite things too.
   


5. I love that after I do all the cooking I can relax while everyone else has to clean up. And watch more football.


6. I love the smells of the food and the fireplaces and the cold in the air.
   


7. I love that I'm back in the Northeast so I can have a fire going in the fireplace.


8. I love the feeling of belonging, that everyone in every house around me is doing the exact same thing.


9. I love that I am no longer a professional chef, so I have the day off.


10. I love the Adam Sandler Thanksgiving song.
    

The truth hurts

Every now and then I hear a quote from a movie that rings so true for me that it is almost painful. The other night while watching The Holiday, I had one of those moments. It's not easy to admit that a piece of silly fluff such as this had a line that almost caused me to fall over with the sheer simplicity of its truth, but that's what blogs are for.

In the movie, Iris (Kate Winslet) is an Englishwoman who, in a completely improbable set of circumstances, switches houses for a few weeks with an American woman named Amanda (Cameron Diaz). Iris's primary reason for doing such a thing is to get away from an extremely unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship, a situation that I am all too familiar with. While having dinner with Amanda's charming elderly neighbor, Arthur, Iris learns the key to her problems with her life.

Arthur: Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.

Iris: You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god's sake! Arthur, I've been going to a therapist for three years, and she's never explained things to me that well. That was brilliant. Brutal, but brilliant.

Wow. Yes! You are supposed to be the leading lady of your own life! Thank you! I have never been one to want to draw attention to myself - in both my personal and professional lives. I can't tell you how many times have I acquiesced to someone else so that I don't step on toes or hurt feelings. But now I see that it's alright for me to call attention to myself. I don't have to stand back and give others the spotlight. I can take credit when I have earned it. I can enjoy attention from others even if it means someone else will not be the center of attention for a while. It's OK to be the star of my own life!

At least I didn't spend three years in therapy for this.

Thanks Arthur!

Saturday Song

Throw Your Arms Around Me by Hunters & Collectors.
An Australian anthem. You can't go to a pub without hearing this song, everyone with their arms around each other's shoulders swaying in a drunken love fest. Gives me goosebumps just thinking of it. The video is cheesy and the dubbing not so in sync, but the song is golden.

Friday's Feast

Friday's Feast 169

I've succumbed to the Friday Feast. I've seen this posted on the lovely Spinning Girl's blog and I have tried to resist, but my will is broken and my brain is fried. Also, I'll do anything for food.

Appetizer
What was your first “real” job? I worked at a hot dog stand on the Atlantic City Boardwalk called "Dip-Stix". Shut up.

Soup
Where would you go if you wanted to spark your creativity? For a walk on the beach.

Salad
Complete this sentence: I am embarrassed when…ever the president opens his mouth.

Main Course
What values did your parents instill in you? A strong work ethic. Common sense. Independence. A moral center. Empathy. A nonjudgmental attitude. Open-mindedness. A love of reading. To not be afraid of new things. A healthy sense of humor.

Dessert
Name 3 fads from your teenage years.

1. Opalescent lipstick
2. Scrunchy socks worn over leggings
3. Big hair
   

Animals in the News

Man fleeing police killed by alligator in Dade pond: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Super Gator!

Giant German Rabbits feed the poor: Mama's wittle baby woves wabbit, wabbit, Mama's wittle baby woves wabbit stew.

Cows flee after seeing McDonald's: Clearly they realized they were not about to get a happy meal.

Will doughnut trap lure mystery animal?: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a big orange ball of fur!

Man in India marries dog as atonement: No, seriously.

Ignorance

Sadly, ignorance is not as funny as Calvin and Hobbes make it out to be. Lately it seems as if the ignorance and hate in the world is so prevalent that there is no getting away from it, not even here in blogland. Maybe I'm a Pollyanna. Maybe I think that deep down everyone means well. Is good inside. Can see the difference between right and wrong. But now I realize I'm wrong. The ignorance in this world is so prevalent, so hateful, that I actually feel the need to scrape myself off in the shower to wash away my disgust and disappointment. It saddens me that people can look at things in such a black and white manner, spout poison, and then claim it to be in the name of their religion or nationality.

At least I have Calvin and Hobbes.

Edutopia's Pop Quiz Meme

It's Meme time! In honor of American Education Week, I am posting this educational meme. Fine, so it's not an educational meme, but actually a meme about education. You say potato...I say shut the fuck up. Thank you to Cajunvegan, fellow educator and NaBloPoMo contributor.

-----------------------------------------------------------

What is your idea of a perfect teacher?
Someone who makes you want to come to school no matter how rotten you feel.

What was your most memorable school experience?
When I was picked to be a co-captain of the safety patrol in fifth grade. They had never had two co-captains before, and they had never had a girl in a captain position before. I broke the safety patrol glass ceiling! Runner up: graduating from college at the tender age of 39.

What was your favorite subject?
French. Shut up.

What was the low point of your school career?
It's a toss-up between when my perverted Geometry teacher made up a song about me that he sang to me in front of the class every single day of my freshman year - or when my perverted Humanities teacher told me that the autobiography I wrote wasn't "personal enough" because I didn't write about boys or sex.

Did you go to public or private school?
Public.

Where did you fit in your schools' social hierarchies?
I was at the top of the heap. Sadly, as popular as I was, I still couldn't get a date with a high school boy to save my life. Thank goodness for college boys.

If you could change one thing about education in America, what would it be?
That the teaching profession get the same respect - and pay - of other professions.

What should they teach that they don't teach now?
Organizational skills and time management.

What is impossible to learn in school?
Physics. No wait... that's just me.

What did you learn today?
I learned that six year olds have a difficult time counting by threes.

What did you teach?
How to count by threes.

What is in your dream lunch box?
A turkey provolone sub, potato chips, and diet root beer.

If you wrote a textbook, what would it be called?
How to do Everything My Way.

If the prom were tomorrow, whom would you take?
My current movie star boyfriend.

First graders comment on Veterans Day

In Word War 2, we beat up the Germies.

My Aunt is joining the Submarines.

We have to honor the veterans cause they fight for us and take care of our animals.

My dad went to Iraq cause those terrors knocked over our buildings.

War is bad. Whoever starts one* should be punished.

*"I fully understand those who say you can't win this thing militarily. That's exactly what the United States military says, that you can't win this military." --George W. Bush, on the need for political progress in Iraq, Washington, D.C., Oct. 17, 2007

If I Were in Charge of the NFL

Ever since I was a little girl with four big brothers in the house, I have been a football fan. It's not like I had much choice. If you weren't watching football on Sundays in the fall at my house, you were persona non grata. My father, who worked six and a half days a week at his store, was always home in time for kick-off. My mother could, and still can, tell you the name and history of almost every coach in the league. We weren't one of those families that was obsessed with a certain team, or with the stats of the players, we simply enjoyed the game.

The game has changed over the years. Much more money is attached to it now, and the players (as a whole) seem more interested in calling attention to themselves than being part of a team. This is why I need to take over. Much like my "If I Were in Charge of the World" posts one and two, where I proclaim how I will clean up the world, it is now time for me to clean up the NFL. So here is a list of things that would change if I had Roger Goodell's job. Which I should.

1. This battle between the NFL and Time Warner - over. Grow up assholes. Everything you both have is because of the fans. It is time to start catering to them and not to your own tremendous greed and massive egos. I don't care who is right, who is wrong, or who wants to be the first to bend over and take it like the men you claim to be. Let it go.


2. The NFL and the team owners will cover the cost of their own stadiums - not the taxpayers. How the hell you have managed to convince cities to cover your costs is beyond me, but the buck stops here. Billionaires should pay their own bills.
   


3. Players, I have a little reminder for you. Playing in the NFL is a privilege, not a right. You are an employee just like the majority of the population. You play for your team, the owner, your coach, your fans, and the NFL. You are answerable to others. The team, the owner, your coach, your fans, the NFL - they all have the right to question your actions - on and off the field. You are lucky to be getting paid to do the job you do. You are role models to children. You need to start stepping up and acting like it. If you would like an example of how to be a class act on and off the field, then study this man carefully. If you do not like the fact that people have expectations of your behavior, then get another job. You have college degrees, finding another job should be a piece of cake.
   


4. In continuing with the concept discussed above, players will sign a very stringent "Code of Conduct" clause attached to their contracts for behavior on and off the field. Oh I know there is one now, but it doesn't seem to be working very well. So here is the deal. If you do not follow the Code of Conduct, you are fired. Period. No review. No fine. No long tedious examining process. Breaking the Code is like breaking your contract. You break it, you buy it.
   


5. You cheat - you're fired. Period. Bye bye Belichick. Enjoy life in the private sector.

That's all for now. I'm sure I'll think of more as the season continues.

Saturday Musical Interlude

My favorite song. Ever. While there are many songs that I love, none have ever knocked The Boys of Summer from the top spot of my list. It is at once nostalgic, heartbreaking, inspiring, and gorgeous.