If I Were in Charge of the NFL

Ever since I was a little girl with four big brothers in the house, I have been a football fan. It's not like I had much choice. If you weren't watching football on Sundays in the fall at my house, you were persona non grata. My father, who worked six and a half days a week at his store, was always home in time for kick-off. My mother could, and still can, tell you the name and history of almost every coach in the league. We weren't one of those families that was obsessed with a certain team, or with the stats of the players, we simply enjoyed the game.

The game has changed over the years. Much more money is attached to it now, and the players (as a whole) seem more interested in calling attention to themselves than being part of a team. This is why I need to take over. Much like my "If I Were in Charge of the World" posts one and two, where I proclaim how I will clean up the world, it is now time for me to clean up the NFL. So here is a list of things that would change if I had Roger Goodell's job. Which I should.

1. This battle between the NFL and Time Warner - over. Grow up assholes. Everything you both have is because of the fans. It is time to start catering to them and not to your own tremendous greed and massive egos. I don't care who is right, who is wrong, or who wants to be the first to bend over and take it like the men you claim to be. Let it go.


2. The NFL and the team owners will cover the cost of their own stadiums - not the taxpayers. How the hell you have managed to convince cities to cover your costs is beyond me, but the buck stops here. Billionaires should pay their own bills.
   


3. Players, I have a little reminder for you. Playing in the NFL is a privilege, not a right. You are an employee just like the majority of the population. You play for your team, the owner, your coach, your fans, and the NFL. You are answerable to others. The team, the owner, your coach, your fans, the NFL - they all have the right to question your actions - on and off the field. You are lucky to be getting paid to do the job you do. You are role models to children. You need to start stepping up and acting like it. If you would like an example of how to be a class act on and off the field, then study this man carefully. If you do not like the fact that people have expectations of your behavior, then get another job. You have college degrees, finding another job should be a piece of cake.
   


4. In continuing with the concept discussed above, players will sign a very stringent "Code of Conduct" clause attached to their contracts for behavior on and off the field. Oh I know there is one now, but it doesn't seem to be working very well. So here is the deal. If you do not follow the Code of Conduct, you are fired. Period. No review. No fine. No long tedious examining process. Breaking the Code is like breaking your contract. You break it, you buy it.
   


5. You cheat - you're fired. Period. Bye bye Belichick. Enjoy life in the private sector.

That's all for now. I'm sure I'll think of more as the season continues.

Intellectual Property

So it seems my Brooke Bond concept is not mine alone. An anonymous reader of my blog sent me this video of Gerard Butler on the Craig Ferguson show discussing my international superslut superspy idea together*! Apparently they didn't know about me, or clearly I would have been mentioned. An oversight on their part, no doubt.

OK, actually this show was from a couple of years ago, so technically they came up with it first. But since I didn't know about his until recently, whose intellectual property is it**? I say mine, being that I have the name and Butler didn't get the Bond gig. I'll have to call my agent to deal with this.

*The Bond talk is at the end of the video, but the two of them are quite entertaining together, so if you have the time, watch the whole thing.
**Actually I couldn't care less. I can't even tell you how hot it was to hear Butler say my name.

Coffee and Cigarettes - Not Just for Breakfast Anymore

Yesterday a friend was telling me how she spent her entire morning on the phone with her internet company because her service had been going down constantly. Hehehe, I said "going down constantly". The customer service representative she was speaking to had her crawling all over the floor following wires, pushing her desk around the room to check for who knows what, and tearing into her computer - all in the name of trying to keep the repairmen from making a wasted trip. After a few hours of sweating, torture, and listening to horrifying muzak while on hold - the rep came back to tell her that there was a line problem on the street. My friend, in the most polite way she could manage, told the girl to do something that I believe is not only physically impossible - but may be illegal in most southern states. Yet another example of the crappy customer service this country is now subjected to on a daily basis. I used to cringe when faced with the prospect of dialing the dreaded 800 number. However, I have found the way to get what you want from these disembodied voices on the phone - these spawns of Satan whose primary job is to shred our spirit and trample on our dreams! I know the way! It works! Oh yes it does. Read on.

Several years ago I had a major issue with MCI - oh how I celebrated when they went bankrupt. It's a long story - it always is - and I don't really want to share all the gory details with you all - which I'm sure you're grateful for - but the upshot is they were sending me bills and I was no longer using their service. For months they kept sending me bills, and for months I would call and try to explain that the service had been canceled. Management would never get on the phone. The reps were less than articulate. I clearly remember listening to one girl cracking her gum while I talked. I fantasized about reaching through the line and ripping her throat out. Nobody would straighten this matter out - they just kept telling me to pay. Now I don't remember how much it was - probably not much - but I'll be fucked if I'm going to pay some billion dollar corporation money that it hasn't earned.

After a few months of this playful game of cat and mouse, I got a fairly threatening letter from MCI regarding this matter. I serenely picked up the phone and called the 800 number. I asked for a manager. No manager. I hung up. I called again. And again. And again. And again. Each time I explained the situation and asked for a manager. Each time they said there was none available. Then I would hang up and do it again. Finally one of the reps said to me. "I'm noticing on the computer that you have called several times today, maybe I should get a manager." Gee, ya think?

After putting me on hold for half of All My Children, I finally got a manager on the line. The first thing she said to me was, "I've read your file. I'm not really sure what you expect here."

I was calm. I was cool. I was collected. And in my sweetest and most condescending voice, I responded with the magic words that I am now going to share with all of you -

"Listen love - here is what I expect. I'm not going to pay this bill. I know you think I am going to, but I'm not. Do you know why? Because you are going to wipe it out. And you are going to wipe it out now. Do you know why you're going to wipe it out? Because if you don't, I am going to call again. And again. And again. And again. I will call you every five minutes if I have to - and you have no choice but to take my calls because A. - I now know your name and B. - that is your job. And in case you think I'm exaggerating, understand this - I have a pot of coffee, a pack of cigarettes, and nothing else to do today. I can do this all day. And I can do it again tomorrow too. In fact, I'm off all week. So let's say you get rid of this bill and spare yourself a world of pain."

My bill was wiped out. I never heard from MCI again. And everyone lived happily ever after.

The End.

Someday you'll all thank me for this post.