The Power of Pecs

Excerpts from an interesting chat I had yesterday with another blogger.

him: By the way, is that photo of you in your last post?
me: Which one?
him: The blurry one.
me: Are you kidding? That's him, the guy I was writing about.
him: That's a man?
me: Yes, how is that looking like a woman?
him: Geez, I was getting turned on by a man.
me: Interesting, have you considered that you might be a little gay?
him: I saw the longish hair…wow, so all that trying to unblur it in Photoshop was a waste of my time.
me: You could have just asked, I'd have sent you the original picture. Want it?
him: Sure. I mean no. I mean...ok...he does seem hot.

send unblurry picture of ex

him: Wow, that's some bod he has.
me: Yep.
him: I see you in a bra...
me: It's a bikini.
him: OK....ummm...got any more?
me: Of him? Sure, anything to help clear up the issue of your increasingly confusing sexuality.

send picture of ex and me together

him: The two of you are like in a fashion shoot.
me: That’s sweet.
him: Good looking guys like that are usually terrible in bed, though...
me: Yeah that's true …sometimes. Not in this case though.
him: Figures.
me: But he's straight, so don't get your hopes up.

him: Hey, he's feeling you up in that photo!!!
me: Jealous?
him: Yes!
me: Of me or him? Because really...you were totally turned on by a blurry picture of him.
him: I could have sworn it was you! It was mistaken identity.
me: This is clearly sending you into a homosexual panic.
him: No way. I would be a good gay. I love musicals, and except for the whole having sex with men thing... I could totally be mistaken for gay.
me: Admit it...you wanted to touch his chest.
him: Only to see if he has pec implants!

me: I think you should blog about how you fell for a blurry picture of my ex boyfriend.
him: Can I also post that you are always asking me to come to Florida and sleep with you, but I always say no, to be loyal to my woman...
me: Sure.
him: Sure?
me: You want to do that instead of admitting you were turned on by my ex? Be my guest. We both know the real truth.

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** Added note: Oh! Be sure to read his post about our chat here. And you all thought you were so smart!

Like Hearts Made of Diamond

I knew I had forgotten something the moment I woke up today. I felt that anxious pain - that ache in the pit of my stomach. What was it? An appointment I failed to keep? A phone call I neglected? I started to panic. My mind searched for that little grain of information that was hidden somewhere in the back. And then I looked at the date.

Your birthday, it was the other day. And I forgot. You don't know this, but I still remember your birthday. For the first time in years I didn't think about you on that date. Is this a good thing? Have I made progress? Am I finally starting to put you in the past?

You came along too soon. I wasn't ready for you. You were like no man I had ever known, so sure of yourself, so completely the opposite of me. You were the first man I had ever been with who actually admitted that he wanted to settle down and have a family. I remember how you laughed at the look on my face when you said that. You thought it was because you scared me off, but it wasn't. I just couldn't believe you were real. I couldn't believe that someone like you would want to be with someone like me. You were perfect. And I ...wasn't.

I played games instead of admitting my feelings. I shudder when I think of some of the bullshit I pulled, the hoops I made you jump through. It took me a long time to recognize the mistakes I made, how I allowed my insecurities to rule my emotions. But maybe you were right, maybe it would have been too difficult for us. Different countries, different backgrounds...maybe one of us would have always felt lost...like you said...

Will I ever find someone else who can finish my sentences? Who can always guess my favorite song on a CD? Who I can have an entire conversation - or argument - with, while neither of us says a word? Who just...gets me so completely? Is this why I can't find someone? Do I still compare everyone to you?

I told myself if I ever got the chance I would tell you the truth. You won't ever read this, but at least the truth will be out there. So here it is. I did love you. I'd have stayed if you had asked me. I'd have done anything for you...anything you can dream of...

I hate that song now.

I can see you....

A little voice inside my head said,
"Don't look back. You can never look back."
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go but......

On My Mind

So this is just a post about general stuff going on with me - random things that have been on my mind. I don't normally post about my day to day life. Ok, sometimes I do. Like the time I flipped off a cop. Or the time I got so pissed off at my class that I turned into an animated screen villainous. But it's not like I'm writing things like I went to the store... got some milk.. saw a cute guy... went home.... called my friend ...told her about the guy at the store...bored my blog readers into a coma with my mindless drivel.... I make an effort to leave out the routine things and only focus on the interesting stuff. If I don't do that with this post, tough shit. It's my blog and I can do what I want.

1. As some of you may have noticed, I'm becoming more of a potty mouth than usual. I don't know whether it's the blog company I keep, or the fact that I have to watch my language so carefully at work that I completely lose it everywhere else. It's not really a major concern of mine. It's just something I've noticed. You should hear the things I say when I'm driving, I'd make Jesus and Co. blush. Fuck.



2. I suck at writing fiction. I love doing JJ's Flash Fiction Fridays but I'm hopeless at writing anything that isn't the truth and all about me. I'm clearly a narcissistic self absorbed ham twat. This is why I've only done a few of them, and why almost all of them were actually true stories - except this one. Though that does sound like something I would do. The post below about the heartbroken girl with the indifferent father? That would be me. Every single word is true. For all you fathers and potential fathers out there, please remember, your daughters need your love and support. Otherwise they become completely fucked up basket cases like yours truly. We don't need any more of little Brookes running around, believe me.



3. Every week I start a diet and every week I blow it in less than two days. What happened to my willpower? Does it die at a certain age? Can you buy willpower on ebay?



4. Sometimes I wonder if teaching is for me. I do love my job, and I do love my kids. But there are times that I just want to toss them all under a bus. Is that wrong? On how many levels?



5. An ex-boyfriend got in touch with me recently and is showing interest in getting together. I'm not really sure it's such a good idea, but I admit that I am tempted. I miss being with a guy, and I don't just mean in the sexual way. I miss sleeping next to him (and when I say 'him', I mean a man, not necessarily him) and knowing he'll be there when I wake up. I miss getting excited when the phone rings. I miss curling up on the couch together and watching football or a movie. I miss all the silly little intimate things that couples do. I am actually very interested in someone else, but there are several roadblocks in the way at the moment, and to be honest I'm not even sure that he is still interested in me. So I'll put it out there - do I call the ex and fall back on something familiar? Or hold out for the next possibly great thing? Discuss.

Thank you.

Maybe I'm a Little Gay

Several years ago I met a new boy, I'll call him P. He was a friend of a friend of a friend; good looking in an offbeat way, funny and smart - we met and hit it off instantly. (I've always had a weakness for a quick wit and a washboard stomach) We became friends, in fact, the group of us morphed into a new little posse. Things started to progress in that easy, natural way into the more-than-just friends realm. We had that "click" moment one evening when the gang was at his house; he pulled me onto his lap and we sat and chatted for hours. Later, my friends told me they had never seen him do that. He told me that he had heard that I had gone out with an ex-boyfriend the night before, and he asked how it went. He seemed more worried than jealous; he may have been wondering if things were over before they had a chance to get started. I told him that it was just an ex, that we were friends now and - he lived 2000 miles away. I told him that he was meeting us all that night, so he could see that we were just friends. P seemed happy about that.

We were all sitting in the pub, drinking and laughing, when my ex walked in. I watched girls around the room snap their necks to get a better look at him, bringing back memories of what it was like when we dated. He had no idea about his beauty - no, that's not right - he did know about his beauty, he just didn't really care. It was a lethal combination. My friends' jaws dropped when he waved to me. P leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Please tell me that's not him." My ex picked me up and hugged me, and then I introduced them.

They hit it off, in fact, everyone liked him. Of course they did, he's gorgeous, everyone likes gorgeous. But to be fair, he's also a great guy. When the the ex was at the bar buying drinks, P said, "Hey, I like him, he's a great guy." (See?) He gave me a funny look and then said, "Are you sure there is nothing still between you two?" I assured him there wasn't. He looked over at the ex and then turned to me, "Because that is one good looking guy. Jesus, Brooke, how can you not be sleeping with him? Even I'd do him."

My mouth dropped and we cracked up together, but then I thought I should ask, Ummmm...is there something I should know about you? P laughed, "No, but if I was going to be gay, it would be him."

I never thought I'd hear a hetero man admit something like that. (and so you know, my ex and P did NOT run off together) They love the idea of the girl-on-girl - I can hear erections popping from here at the thought - but the idea of guy-on-guy? Most heteros won't even acknowledge it exists let alone imagine themselves doing it. Most women don't really care about the idea of two women either way, but there are some who actually get turned by the idea of two men. Hell, the girls in Sex and the City would make a night of watching gay porn. It's not something I've ever watched...but I'm not saying the idea of two men isn't a little hot.

I have so many gay friends, both male and female, that people can't decide if I'm a fag hag or a lipstick lesbian. I'm definitely not a fag hag. I love gay men, but I don't fall in love with them and I don't spend every weekend at the local gay bars (of which there are many.) And I'm so not a lesbian. I am pretty much like most women - I can appreciate a woman's beauty - but I'm not sexually attracted to it. There are some women I find extremely beautiful, so beautiful that I take pleasure in looking at them (not that kind of pleasure...get your mind out of the gay gutter), but I never thought I would utter the words that P did about the ex, "If I was going to be gay, it would be her".

And then I turn on James today, and he is interviewing Angelina Jolie. I mean seriously, the woman is insanely beautiful. Even her name is hot - with all the zhzhhzhzhzhzhzhz sounds rolling off your tongue. James could barely keep from drooling. I sat there watching, and I realized I was actually wondering what her boobs looked like. What is up with that? How gay is that??? This isn't good. I don't know if my mother can handle her only daughter jumping the fence. OY!

I immediately called one of my gays.
Help!!! I'm gay!!!! I want Angelina Jolie!!!!
He laughed, "Brooke, everyone wants Angelina, even I want Angelina."
Really?? So I'm not gay then??
"OK, Brad and Angelina are in your living room. Now...... which one do you drag off into the bedroom?"
In my version, Brad is already naked.
"See?"

Oh thank God, I'm still on the right side of the fence. I still like boys. Pretty boys, but boys nonetheless. I remember P's words.

So, if you were going to be straight, you'd be straight with Angelina?
"I'm not going straight, but I'd rather be straight for Angelina than gay with, say........Dick Cheney. So, I guess I'm a little straight."

His words stopped me in my tracks.

Well..... I'd rather be gay with Angelina than straight for Dick Cheney. So I guess I'm a little gay."

And I'm okay with that.