Ten Words that I can't say without giggling

1. Underpants


2. Doily


3. Pudding


4. Fuckerdoodle


5. Wifflejunk


6. Smock


7. Squid
   


8. Galoshes


9. Kumquat


10. Balls
    

Tuesday Ten #8

Ten Dumb Blogthing Names

Your Pirate Name Is...

Skull Crusher Hook-Handed Helen

What's Your Pirate Name?

Your Outrageous Name is:

Candy Yass

Outrageous Name Generator

Your Adult Film Star Name Is...

Sindee Slickbooty

What's Your Adult Film Star Name?

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Seagoing Wombat Your Superpower is Unexplained Your Weakness is Cold Weather Your Weapon is Your Foam Bazooka Your Mode of Transportation is Snowshoes

What's your Superhero Name?

Your Vampire Name Is...

Seductress of Prussia

What's Your Vampire Name?

Your Elf Name Is...

Twinkles Sweet Cheeks

What's Your Elf Name?

Your Hippie Chick Name Is:

Tranquilla

Hippie Chick Name Generator

Your Drag Queen Name Is:

Ophelia Cox

Drag Queen Name Generator

Your Wrestler Name Is...

Jade Wildcat

What's Your Wrestler Name?

Your Celebrity Baby Name Is...

Caledonia Moxie

What's Your Celebrity Baby Name?

Your Old Fashioned Name Is...

Charity Rippringham

What's Your Old Fashioned Name?

Tuesday Ten #7

My Ten Favorite Books...up til this point

1. The Prince of Tides by Pat Conroy


2. Charlotte's Web by E.B. White


3. A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L'Engle


4. The Bourne Identity by Robert Ludlum


5. One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez


6. Papillion by Henri Charrière


7. Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior by Judith Martin


8. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee


9. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein


10. America, A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction by Jon Stewart

Tuesday Ten #6

Ten Reasons I am Doing the Happy Dance

1. I got a job!


2. Teaching first grade!


3. Which is the grade I've been teaching for the last two years!


4. So it's what I really wanted!


5. And it's in a really good school district!


6. Where there will actually be parental involvement!


7. And the dads aren't in prison!
   


8. And I may finally be able to get room moms!
   


9. And I'll be making more money than I did before!


10. Yay!
    
    

Tuesday Ten #5

Ten Things I Wanted for my Birthday but Didn't Get

A cake



A puppy



Pretty clothes



A naked man



Diamonds



Beachfront Property



A new car



A tree growing money

World Peace



A cigarette



I'm off to an interview. Wish me luck.

Tuesday Ten #4

Ten Movie Heroes I Would Have Sex With

1. Aragorn of Lord of the Rings - So what if he's dirty and hasn't bathed in months. And who cares if he's 88 in Middle Earth years. He's a king dammit. And a smokin' hot one at that.


2. Maximus Decimus Meridius of Gladiator - Tortured, wounded, a true lost puppy. Plus he's got that whole leader of his men thing going on, and he looks good in a skirt.


3. King Leonidas of 300 - Hello abs of steel! Who could resist having sex with the original Chippendale?
   


4. Han Solo of Star Wars - My very first bad boy crush. While all the other little girls were swooning over the wet-behind-the-ears Luke Skywalker, Han Solo was the one who truly saved my day.
   


5. James Bond of Casino Royale - No other Bond will do. The previous Bonds may be handsome and debonair, but I'll take the buff brute who comes out of the water looking sexier than Ursula Andress in Dr. No.


6. Captain Jack Sparrow of Pirates of the Caribbean- He makes Aragorn look freshly scrubbed and Richard Simmons seem masculine, but there is something about Jack Sparrow that makes you want to do bootyful things to him.
   


7. Bruce Wayne/Batman of Batman Begins - Yet another tortured soul, and a billionaire to boot. And he's got that rough gravelly voice. Of course he'd have to wear the suit - and bring the gadgets.
   


8. Hicks of Aliens/Reese of The Terminator- both characters were played by the same actor in James Cameron action movies - so essentially they are the same person. Both are soldiers. Both risk their lives for the girl while at the same time stepping back to let the girl kick some ass along with him. What's not to love?


9. Tyler Durden of Fight Club - Fine, he's a sociopathic freak. But he's a hero to other sociopathic freaks, so he counts. And everyone should get a little freaky at least once. Besides, he is ripped to shreds.
   


10. Neo of The Matrix - Just. Don't. Talk.

Tuesday Ten #3

Ten of My Favorite Quotes

1. I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet cushion. -Henry David Thoreau


2. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. -Homer (Simpson)


3. History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it. -Winston Churchill
   


4. Needs should definitely be met, as long as it doesn't require ointments the next day. -Xander Harris


5. Why slap them on the wrist with feather when you can belt them over the head with a sledgehammer. -Katherine Hepburn


6. No man is totally useless, he can always serve as a bad example. -Apocrypha


7. Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. -Mark Twain


8. Life itself is the proper binge. -Julia Child


9. I don't believe in accidents. There are only encounters in history. There are no accidents. -Pablo Picasso
   


10. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. -Unknown 7 year old

Tuesday Ten #2

Ten Reasons I Will Not Get a Cat

1-10. I'm a single schoolteacher living at home with my mother.

Tuesday Ten #1

I recently saw this blog that hosts a weekly meme called the Thursday Thirteen. Each week people create a list of thirteen things of any topic they can think of, and then they all tell each other about them and read each other's lists. It's all very organized and social. I like the idea very much, but I don't want to do it. For one thing, I'm very superstitious, and 13 is an unlucky number*. For another, I'm usually kind of busy on Thursdays**. But most importantly, I just can't ever seem to make myself follow the crowd. I have an innate predilection to defy the norm. To fight the power. To march to the beat of my own drummer. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel.

But I do love the idea of making lists. I'm a Virgo, we are natural born list makers. It suits our anal retentive sensibilities. And so I have decided that every Tuesday I will make my own list of ten things. I will call it the Tuesday Ten - for obvious reasons. See how I did that? I picked a day that I'm not nearly as busy. Then I whittled down the list to only ten, a nice round even number that still allows for a nice alliteration. And I'm doing it all by myself with no judgments from the establishment. I am a clever girl.

Since I already exposed my silly superstitious nature, my first Tuesday Ten will be my about that topic.

My Top Ten Superstitions

1. I'm afraid to point out fortunate things - or ways I've been lucky - about myself, as this can bring on the evil eye. For example, I won't ever say something like, "I can't believe I've never fallen off the top of a mountain and broken every bone in my body," or "Thank goodness I haven't gotten that flesh eating disease that everyone else has," or "Boy am I lucky that Viggo is so warm for my form***." These are the kinds of statements that invite the evil eye to come a knockin'. If I do inadvertently blurt out something stupid like this, I immediately shout, "Kin ahora kin ahora, pooh pooh pooh!" which is basically a Yiddish expression meaning "No evil eye here! Knock on wood!" Well, actually the kin ahora part wards off the evil eye. I add the pooh pooh pooh part. It's my verbal knock on wood.
   


2. I also won't say anything that could bring on any type of bad karma to myself or the people around me, nor will I allow others do so. For instance, recently a friend was commenting that I could still get hired before the school year because some teacher could possibly fall off a mountain and break every bone in her body, or maybe could contract some sort of flesh eating disease. Despite the fact that I am desperate for a teaching position, I do not want it to be based on the misfortune of someone else - that's bad karma. Unless that person got what was coming to them for having their own bad karma. Like for being mean to the elderly. Or mistreating small animals. Or voting republican. That's different. Kin ahoras cover that no problem.


3. Besides my verbal knocks on wood, I'm a big believer in the physical knock on wood as well. What's important to note here is that I don't just knock three times after making a seemingly innocent comment that could potentially cause the end of the world as we know it. I knock the entire time I'm making the statement. This allows me to speak freely while warding off the evil eye. It's a little known fact that the evil eye can't hear anything over the sounds of rhythmic knocking.


4. On the first day of each month, the first thing I say upon waking up is "Rabbit rabbit rabbit." It's meant to bring good luck. Some people say "Bunny bunny bunny." I used to say that, but now that I'm a grown up it sounds silly.
   


5. I'm very superstitious about New Year's Day. Anything that can be gotten rid of to make a fresh start for the new year must be done. My house has to be spotless. All trash must be removed. The fridge and cupboards must be stocked. All bills must be paid and filed. I even clear off all the dirty pictures junk files on my computer. Everything must be in its place. It's one big beautiful freak show of a clean slate. I'm all aflutter just thinking about it.


6. I won't ever sit in a wheelchair. My mom has one here since she broke her hip, and the other day my brother sat in it and started rolling around. I screamed, "Get out of the chair get out get out get out that's bad luck!!!" I almost set off his defibrillator, which proves that it is indeed bad luck to sit in a wheelchair.
   
   
7. Purse on the floor - you will be poor. I never put my handbag on the ground. Apparently the money oozes out the bottom and hides in the floorboards. I must have put many handbags on the floor in a previous life to be as economically challenged as I am today.


8. I never put shoes on the bed or a table. I don't know why. This might just be a neat freak thing, but I have heard it's bad luck. Shoes on the table - bad. Shoes on the floor - good. Purse on the floor - bad. Purse on the table - good. I hope you are all taking notes.


9. I will only pick up found pennies that are heads up. They say you are supposed to turn a tails-up penny to heads-up to bring good luck to the next person, but I'm not falling for that one. If that tails-up penny is bad luck, I'm not touching it. You can't fool me three times.
   


10. I never light three cigarettes on the same match - that's very bad luck. Smoking three cigarettes at once is really disgusting anyway.

So that is the first edition of the Tuesday Ten. Feel free to come up with your own list. If you do, let me know in the comments section. You can be a follower and do the same topic that I chose, or you can be a rebel and come up with your own - which I can then steal for next week's installment.

*The number 13 is only acceptable when referring to a baker's dozen. An extra doughnut is always a good thing.
**Thursday is laundry day.
***Shut up.

10 Places I Have Been Kissed

An elevator in the Eiffel Tower

The upper deck of the Manly Ferry

On the coast of the Whitsunday Islands

A bathroom in Salzburg Austria

The Sydney Opera House - during an opera

On Las Ramblas in Barcelona

Half-time at an Aussie Rules football game

Jim Morrison's grave

The boardwalk - and beaches - of the Jersey Shore (I should hope so)

A cheap Baltimore hotel (OK not such an exciting venue, but the kiss is worth mentioning)

Top 5 (Current) Reasons that Florida Sucks Ass

How Angry is Your City?
According to this article in Men's Health, four of the top ten 'angriest cities' in America are in the Sunshine State.

Pembroke Pines, Florida, has the most dangerous intersection in the United States
Because nobody in this friggin' state can drive. No wonder everyone is so angry.

Broward judge in Anna Nicole Smith case accused of smoking pot in Hollywood park
"They said they smelled a very strong odor of what they found to be marijuana," Rode said. "They followed the smell to a gentleman sitting under a tree. He was actively smoking the marijuana cigarette as they approached him."

How proud we are of our judicial system. Way to set an example dude.

Education commissioner: State school enrollment down 3,500
It's a matter of fewer children than expected entering school and more leaving, mainly going out of state and a lesser extent to private schools, DuBard said.
She said researchers, though, don't know why students are leaving Florida.

You don't? Then you're dumber than a bag of hammers. Let me fill you in. Nobody can afford to live down here on your crappy Sunshine dollars anymore. And since all the land developers made a killing by razing the low-income homes that were destroyed in the hurricanes and building million dollar condos - these families had to move to other states to find affordable housing and competitive wages. And there go all your students. Buh-bye.

Budget crunch, new requirements could mean misery for Florida's teachers
Last year, Broward lost 532 teachers because they could no longer afford to live in South Florida, according to the district's exit interviews. State officials recorded a similar pattern: 81 percent of departing teachers surveyed in 2005 said they were leaving because of poor pay and benefits.

Florida's average teacher salary of $41,590 ranks 32nd in the country, and more than $6,000 below the national norm.

"I have great confidence in the teachers in Florida," said Chancellor Cheri Pierson Yecke, who oversees state K-through-12 education policy. "What I've seen are people that embrace reform."

If by reform you mean putting up with shitty pay, constant budget cuts, and outlandish expectations from moronic bureaucrats, then yes - Florida teachers not only embrace reform - they make out with it on a daily basis.

Things I Have Learned From Relationships with Men

1. How to drive on the left side of the road.
2. How to drink Jack Daniels without making a face.
3. Liking football does not make me less feminine.
4. Tequila. Bad.
5. Strawberry Body Butter. Good.
6. Dimples make me weak.
7. I am worth fighting for.
   
8. If a man tells you he is not good enough for you, believe him.
9. Men can't read minds.
10. He either loves you or he doesn't. He's not "afraid" or "freaked out" or "going through a bad time."
    
11. Stay away from bartenders and musicians.
    
12. Being vulnerable will not kill you.
13. How he looks is not as important as how he treats you.
    
14. It's ok that I'm not perfect. So I have a bit of a potty mouth, deal with it.
15. Always fight fair.
16. After a break-up, do not leave the house unless you look fabulous.
    
17. A king sized bed is an absolute necessity.
18. Humor is hot.
    
19. Smart is sexy.
20. Sex is fun. Laugh. Enjoy. Don't hold back.
21. Morning sex is better than coffee to get you going.
22. It's ok to let him take care of you.
23. Being alone is better than being in a bad relationship.
24. Being alone is not the same as being lonely.
25. Settling is not an option.

Inspired by This Fish. She did ten things, but I'm older, so I figure I should have learned more by now.

Top Ten Reasons Living Alone Sucks

1-10. Nobody to take care of you when you are sick.

Please send chicken soup.
Thank you.

Top Ten Good Things About Living Alone

Also known as 10 things I can do in my apartment that I don't have to be embarrassed about since nobody else is around to see it.

1. I can shloof around in my favorite ratty sweatpants with the big hole in the ass and not wear panties.
2. I can spend an entire day watching reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
   
3. I can have cake for breakfast.
4. I can have popcorn for dinner.
5. I can consume all the greasy pancakes I want.
6. I can sweat and moan and groan all I want while doing my Tae Bo.
7. I can take an hour long bubble bath and nobody will ruin it by needing to take a poop while I'm in the tub.
   
8. I can go days - even weeks - without shaving my legs.
9. I can sleep in the center of the bed, hog all the covers, and take off my pajamas in my sleep without bothering anyone.
   
10. I can enjoy my fantasies about my various crushes with no sense of guilt whatsoever.

Next: Top Ten Reasons Living Alone Sucks

To My Future Husband

Ten Things You Should Know Right Now About Your Future Bride

1. I can be a tad inflexible at times. For instance, this is the engagement ring I want. Make no mistake about it, it will be this ring. Am I making myself clear on this? Yes, I am bossy. And demanding. And stubborn. Learn all this now. I am giving you every chance to run screaming into the night.



2. I am very set in my ways. I enjoy my solitary existence. I'm not one of those women that sits home on a Saturday night weeping about where her Prince Charming is. I really really like my alone time. So if you have one of those fabulous work from home jobs that everyone is so desperate to have, you are going to have to go out and get a real fucking job. I don't want you hanging around the house like a frigging spider all day. And please, feel free to go out with your friends once in a while for a beer or two. You think I want you around every night too? No. Just make sure you are home in time to service me before I fall asleep.



3. I am extremely anal when it comes to my home. I like things neat and tidy. No smelly socks on the floor, dirty dishes in the sink, or hair in the tub. You will be expected to clean up after yourself. I am not interested in being your maid. *This does not include the times I dress up in the French Maid's outfit and we play Master of the Castle.



4. I am a hopeless flirt. I enjoy playful banter and ogling the abs of hot young men. This will not stop when we get married. Don't get me wrong - I don't expect you to stop flirting either. I like the idea that other women are attracted to you and that you can appreciate attractive women. Just keep it in your pants sweetie. If you do decide to park the car in someone else's garage, please remember that I am a professional chef and have been trained in the butchering process. In other words, if you cheat on me you will be the main course at your memorial service.



5. Cuddling - not interested. I'll tap you if I want you again. Otherwise, get back over to your side of the bed.



6. There are two ways to start my day off right. Good coffee. And good sex. You will be required to provide at least one of these on a daily basis. Both would be preferable.



7. Every Sunday from September-January there will be football on the television. Deal with it. Yes, we can fool around during halftime. I have no problem with that. Just don't bother me during time of play. And feel free to bring me a beer and some chicken wings while you're up.



8. You won't win an argument with me. You can try, but you won't. Every man I've ever known has said that I should have been a trial lawyer. If you do walk away thinking you won an argument, it's only because I am allowing you to think that and have my reasons for doing so. Oh, and I know when you are lying. Don't do it.



9. We are getting a dog. This is non-negotiable. I will feed him and train him and love him. You will pick up his poop.



10. You know how people always say that it's so important for their significant other to have a sense of humor? Bullshit. Everyone has a sense of humor and most of them stink. There is a big difference between someone with a sense of humor and someone who can make you laugh. I want someone who can make me laugh. Your ability to crack me up is crucial - and believe me it will be reciprocated. If you can't make me laugh so hard that I am afraid I will wet myself, then you better be the best fuck on the planet. And even then if that is all you've got, this won't last very long.

My ring size is 7. If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.

100 Things About Me

Jacob did it. So did Girl With an Alibi, Evercurious, and True Jersey Girl. And I, being the follower that I am, have now done it as well. Yes, I've succumbed to the 100 Things You Didn't Know About Me post. And I am not even halfway to the 100th post point. But this is yet another excuse to talk about ME! Cause let's face it, nobody in my daily life is interested in hearing 100 things about me. If you are not interested in reading 100 things about me, then feel free to click the next blog button at the top of the page. And then you can bite me.

Here we go.

1. I was born and raised in South Jersey.
2. But I do not have the "Joisey" accent.
3. I moved to South Florida five years ago.
4. I really hate hurricanes.
5. And I really miss the change of seasons.
6. I am on my second career.
7. I was a chef in my first career.
8. At 19, I was running a catering service.
9. I didn't think it was a big deal at the time.
10. Now I realize what a big deal it was.
11. I was known as the "Soup Queen" when I was a chef.
12. I should have written a cookbook.
13. I graduated college two months ago - at the age of 39.
14. I missed graduating with highest honors by .011.
15. Now I am an elementary school teacher.
16. I once worked as a nanny - which could be why I became a teacher.
17. I abhor the word "bored" - only boring people get bored.
18. I can be very stubborn.
19. I have a tendency to be a tad anal retentive.
20. I can quote more movies than I would like to admit.
21. My favorite all-time tv show is Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
22. I have a magazine addiction.
23. I am a huge football (go Packers!) fan.
24. I cry when I am really happy.
25. I spend too much time on my computer.
26. I spend a lot of time with my family.
27. Sometimes more than I would choose to if it were up to me.
28. I am turning 40 on September 7th.
29. I'm a little freaked out by this.
30. Mostly because I never thought I would live this long.
31. Most people guess that I am in my mid to late 20's.
32. They say it's because I look young.
33. I say it's because I'm immature.
34. I am not married.
35. I don't know if I want to be married.
36. I would rather be alone than settle.
37. I don't have any children.
38. I don't know if I want to have any children.
39. I have a new movie star crush every few months.
40. Currently it's Viggo Mortensen.
41. I think I would have his children.
42. If I do have children, I know what I will name them.
43. But I won't say the names here.
44. I have never been to Disneyworld.
45. I lived in Australia for almost 2 years.
46. I was in love with a boy there.
47. If he had asked me to stay, I would have.
48. Sydney is my favorite city in the world.
49. Florence is a close second.
50. I backpacked in Europe for six months.
51. I was on the Berlin Wall New Year's Eve 89 - the year the wall came down.
52. It was one of the greatest nights of my life.
53. I have a tattoo of a rose on my ass.
54. It was done by Tattoo Molly at the Hanky Panky in Amsterdam.
55. I think that Molly is somewhat famous in the tattoo world.
56. Molly got me stinking drunk the night before he tattooed me.
57. He also saved me from being killed by a homicidal prostitute.
58. I should blog about that night.
59. I should have written a book about my travels.
60. I have always wanted to go to Bora Bora.
61. Maybe Viggo will take me there for our honeymoon.
62. I have had many nicknames, none of which I am willing to reveal here.
63. One of my favorite things to eat for dinner is a big bowl of popcorn.
64. I play the flute.
65. I do not like shopping.
66. I would like to own my own home - with a yard - someday.
67. I really want a dog, hence the need for a yard.
68. I collect Russel Wright dinnerware.
69. I have a lot of cool antiques.
70. I love to decorate.
71. I like to imagine what I would do if I won millions in the lottery.
72. I tend to procrastinate.
73. I like spending time alone.
74. I can go for days without talking to anyone.
75. Although most people would say I am very social.
76. I have had sex on three of the seven continents.
77. I have not had a boyfriend in waaaaaaaay too long.
78. Two of my former boyfriends are seven years younger than I am.
79. I have a weakness for dimples.
80. And Levi's jeans that fit just right.
81. I have seen Bruce Springsteen in concert six times.
82. I hate getting out of bed in the morning.
83. I love bubble baths.
84. I used to smoke.
85. I am still trying to lose the weight I gained from quitting.
86. My parents divorced when I was 12.
87. According to my mother, I was a wild teenager.
88. Mom was no picnic herself in those days.
89. Now we are the best of friends.
90. I am not religious, but I do have faith.
91. I believe that everything happens for a reason.
92. I used to ride my bike every single day.
93. It's too hot to ride in Florida.
94. That is one of the reasons I want to move back to Jersey.
95. I have moved 16 times in my life, not including my travels.
96. I believe in love at first sight.
97. It happened to me a long time ago.
98. And I still love him now.
99. I wonder sometimes if I'll ever get over him.
100. Or if I should.

Top Ten Signs Brooke's Anal Retentiveness is Out of Control

1o. She can't sleep if there are dishes in the sink.

9. She can't get into an unmade bed.

8. She is unable to do any type of computer work unless her apartment is spotless. (and let's face it, she is always at the computer)

7. If she breaks one nail, she cuts them all so they will be even.

6. She opens Word to check spelling and grammar for her blog posts.

5. Her spices and canned goods are in alphabetical order and are all facing front.

4. She looked up the term "anal retentive" to see if she actually is, technically, anal retentive.

3. She bleaches her coffee cups.

2. She reads her daily bloglist alphabetically - no skipping.

And the number one sign Brooke's anal retentiveness is out of control:

1. Coasters, coasters, coasters!


Brooke wrote this post in the third person so that she could separate herself from her freakish anal retentiveness and write objectively. She will go back to writing properly in her next post. Thank you.