What the world needs now...

Pearls Before Swine

Cable Lineup February-March

Recent search words and phrases that landed unwitting freaks to my blog/cable network.

Lifetime

• i've been a very bad girl
• ive been a bad bad girl and its all because of you
• 10 things i hate about you fat guy
• enjoying singlehood leg shaving
• hot blooded man and stubborness
• it's my fucking birthday

Travel TV

• down by the shores of the hanky panky
• boob deck on a boat
• florida sucks bugs
• different places been kissed
• take your tongue on a sleigh ride

Playboy

• lick wild
• penis and vagina
• small penis
• unblur naked pics
• naked boobage
• sleepy sluts
• penis touches the porcelain
• titless blog
• kinky hips

Food TV

• hip roll
• pictures of brooke bond tea
• gin rules
• expensive gin
• greasy pancakes
• what's the difference between a calzone and a wedgie

The Learning Channel

• american id
• who's birthday is on september 7
• k is for kinky
• stomach bugs best ways to flush out
  

Entertainment TV

• gerard butler penis
• gerard butler queerclick
• viggo penis
• gerard butler girlfriend
• brooke bond nude
• brooke bond sexy
• erection looking at scarlett
• big butt scarlett photo

The What the Fuck Network

• what do people wose roses for

A Victim of No Child Left Behind

Animals in the News

Man fleeing police killed by alligator in Dade pond: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Super Gator!

Giant German Rabbits feed the poor: Mama's wittle baby woves wabbit, wabbit, Mama's wittle baby woves wabbit stew.

Cows flee after seeing McDonald's: Clearly they realized they were not about to get a happy meal.

Will doughnut trap lure mystery animal?: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a big orange ball of fur!

Man in India marries dog as atonement: No, seriously.

The Name Game

I stole this from Todd. I have no excuse other than my mind is elsewhere these days. And I'm lazy. And I'm in a writing rut.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car)
Marigold Toyota

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)
Hazelnut Oreo (Yeah, not so tough)

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
B But (I'm using Butler as my last name here - for when I marry Gerard. Best to be prepared I always say. Plus it's a much funnier name this way.

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Red Dog

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Alison Atlantic

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)
But Br (See? Much funnier)

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
The Purple Margarita

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Mark Eddie

9. STRIPPER NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy)
Tommy Bahama Snickers

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names )
Joan Lewis

11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)
Surran Sydney

12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)
Autumn Rose - Todd and I are twinsies!

13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + "ie" or "y")
Watermelon Flip Floppy

14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)
Muffin Fig

15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”)
The Cooking Thunder Tour

You Would Think I'd Have More Dates Considering...

Your Kissing Technique Is: Perfect

Your kissing technique is amazing - and you know it. You have the confidence to make the first move. And you always seem to know what kissing style is going to work best. Sometimes you're passionate, sometimes you're a tease. And you're always amazing! Are You a Good Kisser?

AND

Your Wrestler Name Is...

Jade Filthy Lips What's Your Wrestler Name?

Merry New Year!

Marriage According to Kids

I believe this has gone around and around the internets, but that doesn't mean I can't post it. Considering I spend my days with kids, and I'm not married, I felt this was a very topical post for me. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm in the midst of a holiday sugar coma and can't think of a coherent thing to say.
Shut up.

HOW YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry, God decides it all and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10

Happy Hanukkah!

Photo Caption Contest!

Rick Santorum and family during his concession speech.

Winner will get nothing and like it.

For The Hass-Been Fans

Kudos to the has-been never-was who is not afraid to admit to being a dirty old scumbag desperately trying to pick up teenagers in his penis mobile. Bravo to The Hass-Been!

I Love Spam

Although I normally don't open email in my spam folder, this subject line was just too irresistable. I'm so glad I did, as Branden is either psychic, or he knows me from somewhere.

The message read: YOU NEED TO GET LAID!!!!!!!!!!!

Well no shit, Branden. Thanks for the heads up.

I wonder what Branden looks like.

Let My Peeps Go

Land Shark

It seems the smell of the teriyaki chicken that a Hilton Head couple was grilling in their back yard was too much to resist for one of their more carnivorous neighbors. After hearing a muffled knock on the front door, the couple looked out the window to see a six foot gator trying desperately to ring the doorbell.

The couple did not invited him in, and the gator took off before anyone realized he had neglected to bring wine for his hosts.


**Editor's note: photo caption contest in comments.
Say that three times fast.

Whodathunkit?

Fun Friday

Get your own!

Death Becomes Me

You Are Death

You symbolize the end, which can be frightening. But you also symbolize the immortality of the soul. You represent transformation, rebirth of a new life. Sweeping away the past is part of this card, as painful as it may be. Your fortune: Don't worry, this card does not predict death itself. Instead it foreshadows the ending of an era of your life, one that is hard to let go of. But with the future great new things will come, and it's time to embrace them. Mourn for a while, but then face the future with humility and courage.

What Tarot Card Are You?

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This is true on so many levels that it's not even funny. But then again, death is no laughing matter. So remember boys and girls, I am death. Fear me.

Word Cloud

Make your own word cloud. Thanks once again to SG!

*The tiny words you can't see are (in alphabetical order): beach, bed, boyfriend, complete (?), computer, fun, funny, hate, missed, modigli, neil, pants, pet, profile, shit, shy, travel, viggo, and wrong. I can't believe twat wasn't on there!

Thanks Lushy

Your 2005 Song Is

Mr. Brightside by The Killers "It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss" Let's just say you're happy to be done with 2005!

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

Unconscious Mutterings and Big Asses

I got this from Spinning Girl, and she in turn got it from its creator, Luna. *Play along. Just put the first thing that comes to mind. You can do it in the comments section or on your own blog. Have fun. Don't say I never gave you anthing. And go wash your hands please. Lord knows where they've been.
*This is not a meme.

1. Long distance::
2. Meant to be::
3. Here::
4. Endless::
5. Resentment::
6. Insipid::
7. Bunny::
8. Slogan::
9. Naked::
10. Sarcasm::

Don't
Look
At
Mine
Until
You
Think
Of
Your
Own
Answers

Now
You
Can
Look

1. Long distance:: romance
2. Meant to be:: not this time
3. Here:: today, gone tomorrow
4. Endless:: bullshit
5. Resentment:: screw you
6. Insipid:: love songs
7. Bunny:: fuck like a ..
8. Slogan:: more bang for your buck
9. Naked:: Sedaris
10. Sarcasm:: wasted on seven year olds

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I would like to thank Natalie Dee for once again creating the perfect drawing for me to share with my fellow bloggers. This one is for some of you in particular. I will not name names. They know who they are.