Mmmm Mmmm Gross

nataliedee.com

I decided early on that I was going to try something different with my Thanksgiving dinner this year - I was going to experiment with some new recipes. Now as some of you know, in my former career I was a professional chef. I have always been one who made every single aspect of my Thanksgiving meal from scratch using only the best and freshest ingredients. But this year I decided that I was going to attempt some tried and true recipes that the everyday people of my country seem to swear by with a vengeance. So I spent the better part of the week before Turkey day trolling the internet for classic recipes for Candied Yams, Corn Puddin', and Green Bean Casserole.

I decided to steer clear of the "chef" sites such as FoodTV and Martha, and instead wanted to find the delights that the typical housewife in America was sharing with her compatriots. The recipes required ingredients that as a former professional chef I thought I would never use in my lifetime, but that made it even more exciting for me. For example, I actually purchased canned yams this year. Up until now I had never even seen a canned yam. The texture was one I had never encountered before in any of the food groups. However, after suitably mashing them to a pulp, drowning them in maple syrup and brown sugar, and then covering them with the required mini-marshmallows - I had the all-American candied yams I have heard so much about. They were indeed a tasty treat. Thank you Linda from Albuquerque.

The corn pudding casserole from Dawn in West Virginia was also a hit. I appreciate her boldness in not holding back on either the butter or the sour cream. There is still quite a bit left in my refrigerator and by Monday the consistency should be just perfect for spackling my bathroom. I did use my own recipes for sausage and mushroom stuffing, garlic mashed potatoes, and cranberry sauce only because they are so ingrained in my head that looking up other recipes for them would have been a waste of time. Also certain family members would have beaten me to death with frozen drumsticks if I messed with those recipes. But - I did buy two cans of "cranberry jelly" for my nephew - who ate both of them before the meal was even served. I searched wildly for new ways to roast Mr. Turkey, but most of them were just variations of the same theme, and basically all would have resulted in a bird that would be so overcooked that the breast meat could be served next year as turkey-jerky. I chose to stick to my own method for the bird.

I have to admit my excitement when it came time to make the world famous green bean casserole that I have been hearing about throughout my lifetime. Yes, you read that correctly. I have never made, eaten, seen, or smelled the casserole that consists of canned green beans, cream of mushroom soup, and French fried onions. I have always made fresh green beans almondine, or broccoli with lemon butter, or grilled asparagus with a citrus marinade, or a lovely display of fresh cut vegetables to nibble on during the big feast. I admit I was ecstatic to simply dump three ingredients into a casserole and be done with it. I felt so American, so womanly, so a part of things. I now was a true member of the American culture that is Thanksgiving.

And may I say OH. MY. GOD. I haven't been this disappointed in the tastes of the American public since the axis of evil took over the White House. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you people. It was the most disgusting mass of grossness in the history of ickiness. It was a pimple on the ass of my perfect meal. It was a horror show in the midst of dulcet loveliness. It was shock and awe of Bush proportions.

Never again will those ingredients be welcome in my home. Never! Thanks for nothing Tammy in San Antonio! Good day to you, Tammy! I said good day!