Crushed

It was ten years ago that I was having a drink with a friend at a local watering hole when I saw him for the first time. What was that! we both exclaimed simultaneously. He was blond and blue eyed and beautiful. Someone introduced us. It wasn't long before we realized that we had both grown up in the same small town, knew all the same people, had been born only four days apart, but had never even heard of each other. I remember thinking that was impossible, everyone knew me. He said the same about himself.

He was charming, sweet, and perfect. He owned his own business. His own home. Drove a truck. Had a dog. He was an everyman, and exactly the kind of guy a girl is looking for, even when she didn't know she was looking. My beeper went off twice while talking to him, and he figured rightly that I was seeing someone else. He left without asking for my number.

Over the years we would run into each other on a regular basis. Sometimes he would be happy to see me, so much so that I would crush on him all over again. We would really talk to each other, telling each other things so personal that it was surprising to both of us. Other times it was as if he didn't even know me. I, of course, took this personally. Did I offend him the last time I saw him? Was he embarrassed by how much he had revealed about himself to me? Was he annoyed that our timing always seemed to be off? I had let him know my relationship was over. Had I read all the signals wrong? Was all of this in my head?

Even when I moved away he was in the back of my mind. Unfinished business. The wondering of what might have been. I would jokingly ask my friends back home if they had seen "my future husband" lately. When I would come home for visits I would inevitably run into him, and each time my heart would flutter. There was still something there. I knew he had a serious girlfriend, but always in the back of my mind there was that thought that we were not really ... done with each other... that maybe we would even end up together. He represented everything I was looking for: stable, kind, self-made, ambitious, attractive, easy going, fun. I was willing to wait for him to find his way to me.

Last night while having a drink with a friend (different friend, different bar) we got onto the topic of crushes. She pointed out a guy she had been crushing on for ten years, and I confessed my ten year crush as well. She asked who he was, and I told her. Her mouth dropped open. She is friends with his girlfriend.

Shit! I thought. I never should have said anything.

There's someone you should know about him, she told me.

Oh no, I thought, no no no. He's getting married. It's done. I missed my window - again. I braced myself for the news.

He's a fucking mess. On major medications - and he doesn't always take them when he is supposed to. Bipolar, manic depressive, serious serious issues. She has her hands full with him. She doesn't know what he's going to be like from one day to the next. And she is a total enabler- her last boyfriend was an alcoholic and drug addict. It's no wonder they are together, they are perfect for each other.

So much explained in a few short sentences. Ten years of seeing things one way suddenly wiped clean to expose a new and stunning truth. I had never seen the real picture. I had never seen the real him.

This was not the ending I had expected.